(no subject)
thank you all who commented to my last post and huge hugs to each of you....
on that note...i dont know how i push away everyone... funny thats one thing ash and i seem to have in common, we get scared and hurt and jsut start pushing people away when all we really want is to cry out "hold me, please gods hold me and dont let me go...".. its like if we dont open up like that and they walk away then we'll be ok cause we can pretend we didnt want them here anyways... and it really doesnt make us ok... it just makes you crazy... i keep trying to open up and i keep getting hurt and i am becoming afraid to open up anymore... i dont want to act like i care because then how do i deal if it doesnt matter? how do i say "i care adn i dont want to see you go and i want to figure this out and i need you to try to udnerstand me" when i am afraid the answer will be "well this is your problem and i dont care how you feel..." i jsut want to be a kid again when i could hide in my parents arms and they could tell me it would be ok and i believed them... i'd take that right now.. and i know there are people who would hold me and tell me it will be ok... but it never seems to be the one who can actually make it better will tell you that... the person you are fighting with never wants to sit down and tell you it will be ok... and the last time they did.. i didnt believe them... maybe thats the problem... maybe i jsut dont believe them anymore...
i'm so tired.....
on that note...i dont know how i push away everyone... funny thats one thing ash and i seem to have in common, we get scared and hurt and jsut start pushing people away when all we really want is to cry out "hold me, please gods hold me and dont let me go...".. its like if we dont open up like that and they walk away then we'll be ok cause we can pretend we didnt want them here anyways... and it really doesnt make us ok... it just makes you crazy... i keep trying to open up and i keep getting hurt and i am becoming afraid to open up anymore... i dont want to act like i care because then how do i deal if it doesnt matter? how do i say "i care adn i dont want to see you go and i want to figure this out and i need you to try to udnerstand me" when i am afraid the answer will be "well this is your problem and i dont care how you feel..." i jsut want to be a kid again when i could hide in my parents arms and they could tell me it would be ok and i believed them... i'd take that right now.. and i know there are people who would hold me and tell me it will be ok... but it never seems to be the one who can actually make it better will tell you that... the person you are fighting with never wants to sit down and tell you it will be ok... and the last time they did.. i didnt believe them... maybe thats the problem... maybe i jsut dont believe them anymore...
i'm so tired.....