Am I ungrateful?
I've always thought that life was more about giving what you could, when you could, and trying in your own life to make yourself into a consistent and honest person who is able to give more and more of themselves. I've never really thought that worrying about how much of what you give is returned to you was a very productive use of time or mental energy.
Today I was confronted with someone who keeps a tally in their head. Someone who feels like people owe them gratitude; a little return gesture like *this*, because they did *that* for them. This person is seriously concerned with what is coming back to them when they give... enough that they're keeping track when they give so they can compare what comes back, and even when it comes back. This way of thinking was very foreign to me, so I asked myself:
"What is the true spirit of giving?"
I suppose you could say that I've been more focussed on the giving side of things. I've never really expected even a thank you for the things I've given, because I've always given from the heart, meaning it made me happy to give whatever it was I gave. I've never expected anyone to give me anything in return, or actually even to give me anything at all. I don't keep track of what people do give me in thanks, I don't care if someone says thank you, because the gift to me is in giving to others. A thank you is an unexpected surprise to me - since I'm already happy to have given, a thank you or a return gesture in thanks is like a bonus, not required or expected. I'm certainly not looking for thanks, and I'm not insulted when I don't receive it.
In speaking with this person about how they see giving and receiving, I was told that my attitude might be a "difference in education". I would have to say only this about that remark: If this person has been educated to expect thanks for what they give to others, and me not... I would have to say that my "different education" here seems to make me the happier. After all, I'm not walking around keeping track, feeling sour about the things I've given that have yet to come back to me. Maybe it's cultural too... I was always educated to think that people who made remarks like "...and you know, he never even said thank you." were petty, and that the kind of people who said things like this were the kind who gave in order to be able to tell themselves they were good people, not who gave to actually embrace the spirit of giving that I know. To me, it's the same genre as those who are unkind with others regularly, but go to church every Sunday... thinking that because of this they are "good christians."
I believe the act of giving should not have any trace of self centeredness, but I think it does when you expect *anything* in return, because then the focus is not on the other person... in fact it's on you, and all about what comes back to you, what you get, what you did.
In my eyes, keeping track of all the things you do or give is weird. It means that you give with the expectation of receiving, like an investment, or that you are measuring for some reason whether it is to compare or to validate your esteem in some way. This feels very contrary to my notions of giving, in fact it just kind of ruins the 'true (selfless) spirit' of giving in my opinion. I do my banking and investing at the bank, and from them I *expect* a return... I do not take this approach with people.
That said, after being told I was ungrateful today by this person who measures and calculates their input to output ratios, I did realize that maybe I haven't been focussed enough on the balance between giving and receiving. I don't think my idea of giving is askew, so I asked myself:
"Am I an awkward receiver?"
I say thank you, and I try to say it as soon as I remember to vocalize my happily impressed state, but I do have to admit that I'm not really the kind of person to gush, even when I am internally 'wowed'. And I do sometimes neglect to vocalize a "thank you", I suppose because I think it's obvious that I'm touched by the gesture or the gift. I guess I need to recognize that some people are actually waiting to hear those two little words.
Maybe here is my problem... maybe I don't show *material* gratitude (more than the initial thank you) in a timely enough manner? But ... what the fuck? It's a pretty fucked up world if you give a starving man 20 cents and expect him to give you his last piece of bread in return just so you can be positive that your 20 cents meant a lot to him. (Because now, you know... he can use your 20 cents to go and get uh, another last piece of bread?)
So, after turning it all over in my head for the last little bit, writing and erasing, and so on, here's my thinking about this: I probably do need to get a little more vocal and immediate about my thank yous, however you better believe that if there is something I'm able and have the means to do for you, I'll probably try to do it for you if I'm grateful to you for something, even if it's just that I'm grateful that you walk on the planet and I get to know you. But what remains unsettled after all of that is this thing, about expecting (and measuring) gratitude.
So here's how it boiled down for me:
-When you give someone something (love, time, money, whatever,) that is a gift from you.
-A gift is actually defined (dictionary) as "a thing that is willingly given to someone without payment."
-A gift is not the same thing as a loan or exchange. Both loans and exchanges involve both parties being aware of the loan or exchange terms right from the start, and both loans and exchanges involve the expectation of payback. They have their own associated verbs: loaning and exchanging. Giving is not the same as these, because the result of giving is a gift. The result of loaning is a loan, and the result of exchanging is an exchange.
Looking at it this way, by the very language of it, I realized that this means these people aren't giving-people at all. They are calculating-people. Loaning-people. Exchange-brokers. They invest, but *call* it "giving". They tell themselves that because they've called it giving, they are doing something nice for you, when in fact they are playing you like the stock market, and they are either elated or disappointed by your returns. The sickest part is that you can't really tell in the end who is actually giving you a gift, and who is signing you up without your knowledge to some kind of loan contract that you never would have agreed to in the first place. (This signing you up for debt, I'll remind you, is something these people think it is NICE of them to DO for you.) Of course, the ones who are secretly loan-brokers eventually show up with a bill, and at that point, although it's probably too late to salvage the situation, the one true gift you will receive at that moment is to finally know what kind of person you've been dealing with.
Loans disguised as gifts.
Wolves in sheeps clothing.
It kind of makes my skin crawl.
Today I was confronted with someone who keeps a tally in their head. Someone who feels like people owe them gratitude; a little return gesture like *this*, because they did *that* for them. This person is seriously concerned with what is coming back to them when they give... enough that they're keeping track when they give so they can compare what comes back, and even when it comes back. This way of thinking was very foreign to me, so I asked myself:
"What is the true spirit of giving?"
I suppose you could say that I've been more focussed on the giving side of things. I've never really expected even a thank you for the things I've given, because I've always given from the heart, meaning it made me happy to give whatever it was I gave. I've never expected anyone to give me anything in return, or actually even to give me anything at all. I don't keep track of what people do give me in thanks, I don't care if someone says thank you, because the gift to me is in giving to others. A thank you is an unexpected surprise to me - since I'm already happy to have given, a thank you or a return gesture in thanks is like a bonus, not required or expected. I'm certainly not looking for thanks, and I'm not insulted when I don't receive it.
In speaking with this person about how they see giving and receiving, I was told that my attitude might be a "difference in education". I would have to say only this about that remark: If this person has been educated to expect thanks for what they give to others, and me not... I would have to say that my "different education" here seems to make me the happier. After all, I'm not walking around keeping track, feeling sour about the things I've given that have yet to come back to me. Maybe it's cultural too... I was always educated to think that people who made remarks like "...and you know, he never even said thank you." were petty, and that the kind of people who said things like this were the kind who gave in order to be able to tell themselves they were good people, not who gave to actually embrace the spirit of giving that I know. To me, it's the same genre as those who are unkind with others regularly, but go to church every Sunday... thinking that because of this they are "good christians."
I believe the act of giving should not have any trace of self centeredness, but I think it does when you expect *anything* in return, because then the focus is not on the other person... in fact it's on you, and all about what comes back to you, what you get, what you did.
In my eyes, keeping track of all the things you do or give is weird. It means that you give with the expectation of receiving, like an investment, or that you are measuring for some reason whether it is to compare or to validate your esteem in some way. This feels very contrary to my notions of giving, in fact it just kind of ruins the 'true (selfless) spirit' of giving in my opinion. I do my banking and investing at the bank, and from them I *expect* a return... I do not take this approach with people.
That said, after being told I was ungrateful today by this person who measures and calculates their input to output ratios, I did realize that maybe I haven't been focussed enough on the balance between giving and receiving. I don't think my idea of giving is askew, so I asked myself:
"Am I an awkward receiver?"
I say thank you, and I try to say it as soon as I remember to vocalize my happily impressed state, but I do have to admit that I'm not really the kind of person to gush, even when I am internally 'wowed'. And I do sometimes neglect to vocalize a "thank you", I suppose because I think it's obvious that I'm touched by the gesture or the gift. I guess I need to recognize that some people are actually waiting to hear those two little words.
Maybe here is my problem... maybe I don't show *material* gratitude (more than the initial thank you) in a timely enough manner? But ... what the fuck? It's a pretty fucked up world if you give a starving man 20 cents and expect him to give you his last piece of bread in return just so you can be positive that your 20 cents meant a lot to him. (Because now, you know... he can use your 20 cents to go and get uh, another last piece of bread?)
So, after turning it all over in my head for the last little bit, writing and erasing, and so on, here's my thinking about this: I probably do need to get a little more vocal and immediate about my thank yous, however you better believe that if there is something I'm able and have the means to do for you, I'll probably try to do it for you if I'm grateful to you for something, even if it's just that I'm grateful that you walk on the planet and I get to know you. But what remains unsettled after all of that is this thing, about expecting (and measuring) gratitude.
So here's how it boiled down for me:
-When you give someone something (love, time, money, whatever,) that is a gift from you.
-A gift is actually defined (dictionary) as "a thing that is willingly given to someone without payment."
-A gift is not the same thing as a loan or exchange. Both loans and exchanges involve both parties being aware of the loan or exchange terms right from the start, and both loans and exchanges involve the expectation of payback. They have their own associated verbs: loaning and exchanging. Giving is not the same as these, because the result of giving is a gift. The result of loaning is a loan, and the result of exchanging is an exchange.
Looking at it this way, by the very language of it, I realized that this means these people aren't giving-people at all. They are calculating-people. Loaning-people. Exchange-brokers. They invest, but *call* it "giving". They tell themselves that because they've called it giving, they are doing something nice for you, when in fact they are playing you like the stock market, and they are either elated or disappointed by your returns. The sickest part is that you can't really tell in the end who is actually giving you a gift, and who is signing you up without your knowledge to some kind of loan contract that you never would have agreed to in the first place. (This signing you up for debt, I'll remind you, is something these people think it is NICE of them to DO for you.) Of course, the ones who are secretly loan-brokers eventually show up with a bill, and at that point, although it's probably too late to salvage the situation, the one true gift you will receive at that moment is to finally know what kind of person you've been dealing with.
Loans disguised as gifts.
Wolves in sheeps clothing.
It kind of makes my skin crawl.