(no subject)
Hmm... It's been a while since I've said anything on here. Maybe because I'd been having a decent go of things for the past little while, before now-ish. Maybe my brainspace was still only like 3/4's full until now. Either way, this feels like as good a time as any to flush a few things out.
I haven't been sleeping well since I've got home. It's like... maybe 4 of the 7 days of the week, I'll get to bed, and then just lie there, awake, thinking about everything and nothing. I hadn't made anything of it the first little while, assuming I was just acclimatizing to being home again or something, but it's bothering me now. It's getting to the point where sleep is just annoying and generally not restful. I have some theories on this.
Considering I've yet to hear back from the bulk of the Law Schools I applied to, I've jumped to the conclusion I didn't get in. That's not a problem, I'm still not sure if I even wanted to go in the first place. What seems to be the issue is how that's leading to this omnipresent feeling of being trapped. It's like I'm claustrophobic in an open space or something. If I start thinking about the fall or the next year, I get all tight in the chest and start worrying about the rest of my life en masse. It's not helpful, and not really 'me', either, which makes it all the more problematic.
I still have -no- idea what I'd like to do with the rest of my life. I don't like anything enough to commit myself to. I figured at 21 I'd have a -rough- idea of where I'd like to see myself in ten years. Currently, "alive" tops that list, and then a variety of substances and situations intertwine themselves with it. Aside from that, I'm pretty easy going for the next rest-of-my-life.
For the first time in my life, I find myself desperately wanting to travel. To just get up and go somewhere entirely away from this place, and the people I'm around. Come to think of it, I think maybe University was just that; some kind of vacation from myself, or my life. I've had a couple different invites to go out West in Canada with various people (furries are always so accommodating. It's cute) and I find myself more and more willing to just pick up and leave. I never used to be like that. A month ago I wasn't like that. I thought graduating was supposed to alleviate this junk. Shouldn't it have settled me down? Encouraged me to pick a place and work towards that?
I think it backfired. I'm all wanderlusty and dissatisfied. I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know if I can fix it.
To digress slightly: Hanging out with a bunch of straight guys nearly consistently as your exclusive friend base can be one of the greatest exercises in futility I can think of. Most of my good girl- or gay- friends are back in Hamilton or other places in Ontario, and I'm left with my core of good, straight, male friends. It's nice for routine and just for like 'hanging out', but aside from that, it can be incredibly... frustrating, I guess? I don't even know how to describe things with them. They're all lovely friends, but their straight-wolf-pack sort of mentality leaves me out of alot of their plans, even if I'm being strictly intangible. If they want to go to the bar, they're going to meet girls. If they want to hang out somewhere, they'll talk about girls. They date girls, they live and breathe them. It's something I've never noticed before, really, that is to say, how alienated I feel from them just because of the whole gay-straight thing. I try my best to pretend its not a distinction in the least, but it just seems to work its way in there once in a while. It's disheartening to see how quickly a guy friend will leave you once a girl comes along.
I'd put all the blame on chicks, but it's not like I'm that mad at them. I think these guys I know -need- girls in their lives to balance them out... but they're just so terrible at trying to balance friendships and relationships that one inevitably gets ignored for the other. Worse still, I can't be the bad guy and say anything.
In fact, I can't really say much of anything substantial around these guys. They're very much geared towards superficial conversation; they fear anything deeper or more emotional. I don't know if that's how their are in their personal lives, but I don't think I could live that way. I enjoy conversation that can break away from recollecting past conversations or Street Fighter 4 (not that I'm knocking that game, it's epic), but it's just... I don't know, redundant, if you play it both physically and linguistically.
However, it's getting late. I might try and add to this tomorrow, but I doubt it. Usually I wake up with an entirely different perspective on things, and it takes a couple of hours to readjust. Maybe it's just harder to see the walls first thing in the morning.
Sorry if you read this whole thing; it didn't really go anywhere near the end there, yeh?
I haven't been sleeping well since I've got home. It's like... maybe 4 of the 7 days of the week, I'll get to bed, and then just lie there, awake, thinking about everything and nothing. I hadn't made anything of it the first little while, assuming I was just acclimatizing to being home again or something, but it's bothering me now. It's getting to the point where sleep is just annoying and generally not restful. I have some theories on this.
Considering I've yet to hear back from the bulk of the Law Schools I applied to, I've jumped to the conclusion I didn't get in. That's not a problem, I'm still not sure if I even wanted to go in the first place. What seems to be the issue is how that's leading to this omnipresent feeling of being trapped. It's like I'm claustrophobic in an open space or something. If I start thinking about the fall or the next year, I get all tight in the chest and start worrying about the rest of my life en masse. It's not helpful, and not really 'me', either, which makes it all the more problematic.
I still have -no- idea what I'd like to do with the rest of my life. I don't like anything enough to commit myself to. I figured at 21 I'd have a -rough- idea of where I'd like to see myself in ten years. Currently, "alive" tops that list, and then a variety of substances and situations intertwine themselves with it. Aside from that, I'm pretty easy going for the next rest-of-my-life.
For the first time in my life, I find myself desperately wanting to travel. To just get up and go somewhere entirely away from this place, and the people I'm around. Come to think of it, I think maybe University was just that; some kind of vacation from myself, or my life. I've had a couple different invites to go out West in Canada with various people (furries are always so accommodating. It's cute) and I find myself more and more willing to just pick up and leave. I never used to be like that. A month ago I wasn't like that. I thought graduating was supposed to alleviate this junk. Shouldn't it have settled me down? Encouraged me to pick a place and work towards that?
I think it backfired. I'm all wanderlusty and dissatisfied. I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know if I can fix it.
To digress slightly: Hanging out with a bunch of straight guys nearly consistently as your exclusive friend base can be one of the greatest exercises in futility I can think of. Most of my good girl- or gay- friends are back in Hamilton or other places in Ontario, and I'm left with my core of good, straight, male friends. It's nice for routine and just for like 'hanging out', but aside from that, it can be incredibly... frustrating, I guess? I don't even know how to describe things with them. They're all lovely friends, but their straight-wolf-pack sort of mentality leaves me out of alot of their plans, even if I'm being strictly intangible. If they want to go to the bar, they're going to meet girls. If they want to hang out somewhere, they'll talk about girls. They date girls, they live and breathe them. It's something I've never noticed before, really, that is to say, how alienated I feel from them just because of the whole gay-straight thing. I try my best to pretend its not a distinction in the least, but it just seems to work its way in there once in a while. It's disheartening to see how quickly a guy friend will leave you once a girl comes along.
I'd put all the blame on chicks, but it's not like I'm that mad at them. I think these guys I know -need- girls in their lives to balance them out... but they're just so terrible at trying to balance friendships and relationships that one inevitably gets ignored for the other. Worse still, I can't be the bad guy and say anything.
In fact, I can't really say much of anything substantial around these guys. They're very much geared towards superficial conversation; they fear anything deeper or more emotional. I don't know if that's how their are in their personal lives, but I don't think I could live that way. I enjoy conversation that can break away from recollecting past conversations or Street Fighter 4 (not that I'm knocking that game, it's epic), but it's just... I don't know, redundant, if you play it both physically and linguistically.
However, it's getting late. I might try and add to this tomorrow, but I doubt it. Usually I wake up with an entirely different perspective on things, and it takes a couple of hours to readjust. Maybe it's just harder to see the walls first thing in the morning.
Sorry if you read this whole thing; it didn't really go anywhere near the end there, yeh?