Rawr!
We're going to pretend I'm not way behind on posting again :D
So, I've got a lot of random things to share. Conveniently sorted into sections. Because otherwise this would be a giant confusing ramble.
Anyway. Also have a meta at the bottom if you want to skip all the events.
School
Academically, I am in HELL. Right now I have Human Anatomy/Physiology - extremely hard class. I have AP English, which I just sparknoted the book for tomorrow's discussion (Great Gatsby.) I have Marketing Economics with a batshit insane teacher. Seriously, she is CRAZY. I have Understanding the Holocaust first thing in the morning, which leaves me depressed for the whole day. And I have Chemistry, which is a much harder class than it should be.
Which brings me to this.
School. Sucks.
I don't mind the academic work. Well, I do. It's hard. But it takes a back seat to everything else.
Last trimester I had US History, this time with a different teacher. The problem wasn't the teacher, it was the students. I heard more "kike" and "what a Jew" comments in that class than I ever wanted to hear.
I had trig last trimester too, and the teacher himself made a very anti-Semetic joke that led to me hating that class with a passion.
Add on the constant homophobic comments and its pretty stressful. And the SCHOOL SANCTIONED SEXISM. I SWEAR. AKSLFJAKSLFJ. They held a "gender week" at school. Activities included girls dressing up as housewives. And girls doing a workout while the boys played video games. And girls MAKING SANDWICHES THAT GUYS ATE. I am NOT LYING about that last one.
Raised epic fuss of epic. Nothing got done, of course. Fuck you, Idaho, fuck you.
Oh, also, my Scholastic team made it to state and we placed 4th. Go us!
Note: Our scholastic team is 50/50 male female ratio just about. We've got a few minority people. The other teams from state? Vast majority male, almost all white. Go figure.
OH. AND GUESS WHO HAD HER FIRST EXPOSURE TO A DEATH THREAT. I was in marketing econ, and looked at the girl next to me. Saw she was writing a note. It was a death threat to "fags and lesbians." She didn't hand it to me or anything - she just folded it up and stuck it in her pocket. So I told the teacher my blood sugar was high and went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall until I could breath.
Guess that's what I get for having triple-minority status. I'm female. I'm Jewish/Atheist (Proud of the Jewish heritage, don't really believe any of it.) And I'm bisexual. Whoo.
GSA
I feel horrible. I'm a terrible leader of it. I just suck at rallying people behind me and I feel like I'm letting people down. I don't know what I'm doing. FML
College
Made a decision. Going to college in Canada. Not even kidding. So many reasons - gay and women's rights, tolerant (or at least more tolerant) atmosphere, health care so I don't end up screwed once I turn 18 and am no longer under my dad's insurance, and college is actually pretty damn cheap there.
Go Canada!
Although there are problems. My dad has to pay for my college. He hates Canada with a burning passion. This will be a bitch of a conversation. Not only that but he wants me to go to college near where he lives so I can visit, so I'll also be breaking his heart. Oh, and I need to come out to him too. FUN. CONVO.
Plus I have a PFLAG meeting this coming Sunday. I love going because I trust the people. I hate going because I feel so GUILTY. They go on about how I'm doing such great things - yeah, sitting in a room every Thursday at lunch trying to rally the "members," three of which only joined because they happened to be sitting in the room the first meeting and saw that I was alone and had no members, one of which is a dick and never shows up anyone, one of which can't show up although she wants to, and two that want to help but can only do a little. Then they say I'm the future of the fight in Idaho. I don't want to stay. I want to go. I can't stand it. I'll continue this in the meta at the bottom.
Family
Have a new cousin-once-removed. Cousin of mine just had a baby.
Uncle in rehab.
Trying to go to Wisconsin for Passover. I miss it terribly.
Stepdad and I are on worse terms than ever.
Stepdad says a lot of really, really homophobic things that really hurt. One night, I decided enough was enough. I asked him, at the dinner table, to stop with the comments. I told him how much they hurt me inside.
He yelled at me, accusing me of calling him a liar and continuing with horrible comments like how gays are unnatural and cause AIDS and that he's not REALLY homophobic but he just thinks gays have a disease. I started crying. What did he do when he saw I was crying - not just crying, bawling.
He yelled more.
Later he came up with half-assed excuses. First he said he was just trying to show me there is "another side." All I get, all day at school, is the other side. All I get. Then he said that people called him gay when he was younger and it hurt him more than any gay person because he wasn't actually gay. YEAH. THAT MAKES SENSE. RIGHT.
Ever since that night we're on eggshells. We fight over everything. Everything.
Other
Can finally use iPod.
Started hyperventilating earlier today because I got into a panic because I was worrying about that future conversation with my dad and whether my grades were good enough etc.
Wallet robbed.
Red velvet cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory is an orgasm in your mouth.
Meta
So this mostly revolves around the Canada thing.
When I was little, I used to look at racism and sexism and all that, and think it didn't exist anymore. It was just something we learned about so we wouldn't forget it once happened.
Needless to say, my innocence was eventually shattered.
I was shocked to see these things. Every time I heard the n-word I would stop and stare. When someone said something homophobic I would freak out. I always saw the best in people, and would be horrified when they said something like that. The word "kike" made me clench my fists.
My exposure to these things intensified tenfold upon moving to Idaho.
Now when I hear the n-word I put my head down and walk faster. Homophobic things make me look away and try to think of something else. The word "kike" makes me ditch class in terror. (Yes, I ditched class to avoid it more than once.) I look for the worst before the best. I assume someone is a bigot before I assume not.
And worst of all, I'm not surprised anymore. My friends in Canada always react strongly to these stories and wonder how they can happen. I just shake my head and shrug.
I hate it. I hate not having that part of me anymore, that part of me that sees the best, that is truly surprised and angered by these comments. I hate having to fight. I want to enjoy my life. I'm done with this state, I really am. And this goes against everything I set out to do - I wanted to fight until bigotry was gone, but I can't. I just can't fucking do it anymore. I'm losing myself and not even making a dent.
And the worst part is, this is a lose-lose. I stay? I'm miserable and not making a difference. I go? I feel like I'm letting the people at PFLAG and the gay kids down, and letting myself down because Harvey Milk is my hero and he didn't back down, not even to worse threats than what I've had.
I feel like such a coward for planning to escape to Canada.
So, I've got a lot of random things to share. Conveniently sorted into sections. Because otherwise this would be a giant confusing ramble.
Anyway. Also have a meta at the bottom if you want to skip all the events.
School
Academically, I am in HELL. Right now I have Human Anatomy/Physiology - extremely hard class. I have AP English, which I just sparknoted the book for tomorrow's discussion (Great Gatsby.) I have Marketing Economics with a batshit insane teacher. Seriously, she is CRAZY. I have Understanding the Holocaust first thing in the morning, which leaves me depressed for the whole day. And I have Chemistry, which is a much harder class than it should be.
Which brings me to this.
School. Sucks.
I don't mind the academic work. Well, I do. It's hard. But it takes a back seat to everything else.
Last trimester I had US History, this time with a different teacher. The problem wasn't the teacher, it was the students. I heard more "kike" and "what a Jew" comments in that class than I ever wanted to hear.
I had trig last trimester too, and the teacher himself made a very anti-Semetic joke that led to me hating that class with a passion.
Add on the constant homophobic comments and its pretty stressful. And the SCHOOL SANCTIONED SEXISM. I SWEAR. AKSLFJAKSLFJ. They held a "gender week" at school. Activities included girls dressing up as housewives. And girls doing a workout while the boys played video games. And girls MAKING SANDWICHES THAT GUYS ATE. I am NOT LYING about that last one.
Raised epic fuss of epic. Nothing got done, of course. Fuck you, Idaho, fuck you.
Oh, also, my Scholastic team made it to state and we placed 4th. Go us!
Note: Our scholastic team is 50/50 male female ratio just about. We've got a few minority people. The other teams from state? Vast majority male, almost all white. Go figure.
OH. AND GUESS WHO HAD HER FIRST EXPOSURE TO A DEATH THREAT. I was in marketing econ, and looked at the girl next to me. Saw she was writing a note. It was a death threat to "fags and lesbians." She didn't hand it to me or anything - she just folded it up and stuck it in her pocket. So I told the teacher my blood sugar was high and went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall until I could breath.
Guess that's what I get for having triple-minority status. I'm female. I'm Jewish/Atheist (Proud of the Jewish heritage, don't really believe any of it.) And I'm bisexual. Whoo.
GSA
I feel horrible. I'm a terrible leader of it. I just suck at rallying people behind me and I feel like I'm letting people down. I don't know what I'm doing. FML
College
Made a decision. Going to college in Canada. Not even kidding. So many reasons - gay and women's rights, tolerant (or at least more tolerant) atmosphere, health care so I don't end up screwed once I turn 18 and am no longer under my dad's insurance, and college is actually pretty damn cheap there.
Go Canada!
Although there are problems. My dad has to pay for my college. He hates Canada with a burning passion. This will be a bitch of a conversation. Not only that but he wants me to go to college near where he lives so I can visit, so I'll also be breaking his heart. Oh, and I need to come out to him too. FUN. CONVO.
Plus I have a PFLAG meeting this coming Sunday. I love going because I trust the people. I hate going because I feel so GUILTY. They go on about how I'm doing such great things - yeah, sitting in a room every Thursday at lunch trying to rally the "members," three of which only joined because they happened to be sitting in the room the first meeting and saw that I was alone and had no members, one of which is a dick and never shows up anyone, one of which can't show up although she wants to, and two that want to help but can only do a little. Then they say I'm the future of the fight in Idaho. I don't want to stay. I want to go. I can't stand it. I'll continue this in the meta at the bottom.
Family
Have a new cousin-once-removed. Cousin of mine just had a baby.
Uncle in rehab.
Trying to go to Wisconsin for Passover. I miss it terribly.
Stepdad and I are on worse terms than ever.
Stepdad says a lot of really, really homophobic things that really hurt. One night, I decided enough was enough. I asked him, at the dinner table, to stop with the comments. I told him how much they hurt me inside.
He yelled at me, accusing me of calling him a liar and continuing with horrible comments like how gays are unnatural and cause AIDS and that he's not REALLY homophobic but he just thinks gays have a disease. I started crying. What did he do when he saw I was crying - not just crying, bawling.
He yelled more.
Later he came up with half-assed excuses. First he said he was just trying to show me there is "another side." All I get, all day at school, is the other side. All I get. Then he said that people called him gay when he was younger and it hurt him more than any gay person because he wasn't actually gay. YEAH. THAT MAKES SENSE. RIGHT.
Ever since that night we're on eggshells. We fight over everything. Everything.
Other
Can finally use iPod.
Started hyperventilating earlier today because I got into a panic because I was worrying about that future conversation with my dad and whether my grades were good enough etc.
Wallet robbed.
Red velvet cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory is an orgasm in your mouth.
Meta
So this mostly revolves around the Canada thing.
When I was little, I used to look at racism and sexism and all that, and think it didn't exist anymore. It was just something we learned about so we wouldn't forget it once happened.
Needless to say, my innocence was eventually shattered.
I was shocked to see these things. Every time I heard the n-word I would stop and stare. When someone said something homophobic I would freak out. I always saw the best in people, and would be horrified when they said something like that. The word "kike" made me clench my fists.
My exposure to these things intensified tenfold upon moving to Idaho.
Now when I hear the n-word I put my head down and walk faster. Homophobic things make me look away and try to think of something else. The word "kike" makes me ditch class in terror. (Yes, I ditched class to avoid it more than once.) I look for the worst before the best. I assume someone is a bigot before I assume not.
And worst of all, I'm not surprised anymore. My friends in Canada always react strongly to these stories and wonder how they can happen. I just shake my head and shrug.
I hate it. I hate not having that part of me anymore, that part of me that sees the best, that is truly surprised and angered by these comments. I hate having to fight. I want to enjoy my life. I'm done with this state, I really am. And this goes against everything I set out to do - I wanted to fight until bigotry was gone, but I can't. I just can't fucking do it anymore. I'm losing myself and not even making a dent.
And the worst part is, this is a lose-lose. I stay? I'm miserable and not making a difference. I go? I feel like I'm letting the people at PFLAG and the gay kids down, and letting myself down because Harvey Milk is my hero and he didn't back down, not even to worse threats than what I've had.
I feel like such a coward for planning to escape to Canada.