Bridgits Flame: Take Two
Hey all, heres my entry for Bridgits Flame this week! I am really excited to post this one, its what I wanted to post last week so if you need a reference point just look at my entry from last week. That can be considered as a prequel, but you really shouldnt need to read it to understand this one.
And I promise that next weeks entry will be alot ( Read more... )
You asked for a tough edit, so you will get one. I tend to go paragraph by paragraph - just because it helps me give a thorough edit. Remember that these are all suggestions, recommendations. Accept them or not as you choose.
You convey these emotions well. The few edits in paragraph 1 are mostly clarity and tightening. I changed “resembled” to “resembling” for the purpose of flow:
Then, I made the following line consistent. You have “one foot in front of the other” and then “one after the other”. I changed them both to the first choice. “All I could focus on now was putting one foot in front of the other. Just one in front of the other, over and over again.”
In the last line of the paragraph, I have removed a comma, the phrase “what was now” before “my past” and the word “me”, after behind since it is not necessary.
My next suggestion is in the part where she is seeing images and then telling them to go away. It is an effective piece and I like it. The italics for the images set them off from the responses to a certain extent. I think putting the outbursts in quotes would be even more effective.
In the second paragraph after the alternating images and outbursts, I have a few changes. I changed the did to had for agreement with the earlier phrase. I struck through the word that before "the coach". I also put a period after “spot”. Making the last phrase a sentence by itself makes it stronger.
The next paragraph: Remove the initial But
Removed "it all" before "off" (just discovered the strike through feature doesn't work, and that my complete edit is too big for a comment!)
The next two paragraphs are terrific, no changes. I like the image of the golf shoes abandoned on the golf course.
I like the three word phrases, then the single words. It reminds me of the single mindedness you expressed in the preceding paragraph. Also reminds me of drum beats or heart beats.
In the next paragraph, you have several comma issues. In the last line you used the word “when” but you are talking location (feet v. heart) so you want “where” instead. I made the changes below.
“So there I was; running barefoot in my golf clothes along a busy street. Not the smartest decision of my life. Several passing cars honked at me, condescendingly I imagined. This, of course, lighted a fire within me but I just absorbed it like a sponge, taking it in, more fuel. The soles of my feet began to ache as I put more and more force behind each step, slapping my foot to the ground, channeling all of my mental pain into my feet. Better there than in my heart, where I would actually have to deal with it.”
OK, here is the paragraph wherein you seemed to place all of your possible choices and forgot to pick one! ;-) For example, the first sentence could begin “I had run for what. . .” or “I ran for what” in the second clause you can use “but in actuality was only (or about) twenty minutes.” OR you can use “but was probably only (or about) twenty minutes.” The last line has the same problem: “But still however, I ended up in my own backyard without knowing how I had gotten there.” You have three conditional words to start with. I would suggest “still” or “however” instead of “but” only because but is overused.
Next paragraph: Should clearly be “as I took off their restraints.”
The line about the bushes is a good image. I suggest that you consider the following change. “The bushes were evenly spaced, a perfect fit for a human-sized wreck.”
In the paragraph in which you discuss her losing control, I only have one change. I would make the first sentence into two sentence with the first period after "out". The shorter sentence has more power. The rest of the paragraph is wonderful. You paint a terrific picture of this breakdown.
The only other change I would suggest is in the last paragraph: remove the word “power”. The revised line would be: “ . . .now of my own will,
I smiled.”
Again - the storm is over, out comes the sun - actually and metaphorically. Nice work. I hope to see more of your work on Brigits Flame.
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