Bridgits Flame: Take Two
Hey all, heres my entry for Bridgits Flame this week! I am really excited to post this one, its what I wanted to post last week so if you need a reference point just look at my entry from last week. That can be considered as a prequel, but you really shouldnt need to read it to understand this one.
And I promise that next weeks entry will be alot more lighthearted (if I make it that is) I just needed to get some anger out as you will see, and its gone! I cannot wait to continue on with this communinity, it is so much fun! p.s. watch pushing daisies its an awesome show and it needs more viewers (shameless arent I?)
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There is nothing now. My dreams had been stripped from me with just an idle wave of the hand. No more golf state dreams for me. Nothing resembled a purpose in my life that could fuel me onwards. All I could focus on now was putting one foot in front of the other. Just one after the other, over and over again. Something in my stomach twisted, scratched at my insides. As I walked down the cart path, my heartbeat quickened as I put more and more distance between me, and what was now my past, which had been left behind me in shambles.
There was no way I could go on. I had no drive, no cause, nothing. No fuel. What was there to live for? The thing that I had focused on for so many months was over. Gone. Done. Forever. It had given me a purpose. The center of my universe had suddenly vanished with six words, “You are the number two alternate” leaving behind only a vast empty void. Suddenly, the void was plugged up. But what filled it terrified me even more. It became crowded with images of what could have been. Quick flashes at first, glimpses of the now impossible future.
Me at state hoisting the trophy over my head triumphantly, having won the match for my team. A smile on my face.
I winced, make it go away.
Me and the rest of the team coming up on a stage, the entire school in front of us applauding.
Stop. Stop!
New images took their place, what was to come.
Now, me at school, alone, the rest of the team off winning state without me. No thought of me.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Get out of my head!
Me in the crowd, looking up as the team was congratulated on stage, the traitor’s face who had taken my spot standing out. Looking at me, smirking.
My eyes now snapped open. I had to get rid of this pain. My stomach had disappeared leaving behind it a knot. This knot twisted and turned, tightening, loosening, and dropping everywhere. I had to get rid of it! This is what could drive me onwards. This is would be my fuel. My anger.
A fluke had caused this pain, pure luck of the draw. It was inconceivable that I had lost, but I did. The tournaments that the coach had picked were not my best. I did not perform well in them. I knew in my gut, that I was the rightful owner of the state spot, if any other matches has been picked then I surely would have won. Next year, there would be no excuses. I would be better, stronger. No one could take this away from me. I had my plan.
But that did not matter now. The anger building up inside of me took top priority. I had to burn it all off this anger, this unharnessed fuel. I had to get rid of this pain.
I started running. All I could focus on now was running. My golf bag was still on my back, weighing my shoulders down, causing them to hunch over. I didn’t care; the extra weight drove me onwards. More fuel. My golf shoes I had decided were impractical. They scuffed the ground, causing me to trip often. The spikes occasionally would drive into my shins drawing blood. I kicked them off leaving them in the parking lot of the golf course. The green and white shoes lay on their side abandoned. Alone, just like me.
As I ran, the knot inside me was coming alive. It had developed a consistent heartbeat. A constant thudding that reminded me every second of what had happened. It beat in tune with my pounding footsteps.
Inhale. Exhale. Thud.
Foot. Ground. Thud.
Repeat.
Repeat,
Repeat.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
So there I was; running barefoot in my golf clothes along a busy street. Not the smartest decision of my life. Several passing cars honked at me, condescendingly I imagined. This of course lighted a fire within me, but I just absorbed it like a sponge, taking it in, more fuel. The soles of my feet began to ache as I put more and more force behind each step, slapping my foot to the ground, channeling all of my mental pain into my feet. Better there than in my heart, when I would actually have to deal with it.
I had ran for what seemed like forever, but in actuality was probably only twenty minutes. Gradually, my head began to clear and I was beginning to see straight again. Things were coming back into perspective. But still however, I ended up in my own backyard without knowing how I had gotten there.
Taking in my surroundings, I dropped my golf bag in the center of the yard, my shoulders exhaling in relief as I took of their restraints. Then I quickly retreated to the side of my house. The bushes were evenly spaced, perfect for a human-sized wreck to fit into too. I wedged myself between them, and positioned myself in a squat, and then it happened.
The floodgates broke.
The tears started coming out, my face just crumbled and I started to have convulsions. My chest heaved up and down as I wildly gasped for breath, the tears streaming down my face in torrential floods. I covered my mouth with both my hands, cupping them around it, shielding from the world what had formed on my face. A smile. I cannot explain it. I was smiling and crying at the same time. The grin was wide and unrelenting and the tears were constant and vigilant. The knot twisted in pleasure at this unexpected new development. Why had this reaction been forced out of me? Does it happen to regular people when they break down? Or had I snapped? Had the sudden blow damaged my emotional capacity?
I tried to get it to go away, that darn smile. Was some analytical part of my consciousness happy that I had lost? Could it see the benefits that at the moment were concealed from me at the moment? Or was it just a coping mechanism? A thing that I had done constantly during the day in times of pure bliss brought out to comfort me when I needed that feeling the most?
As I contemplated this, I stared at the house next door, wondering idly if they could see me going through my own internal conflicts, wondering why this emotionally unstable teenage girl was sulking in their backyard. But I didn’t care what they thought. The tears just kept on coming and I gradually I felt all of my fuel, all of my anger, drain out of me, little by little.
Finally, after an eternity, it stopped
I lay on the ground gasping for breath. But despite what my lungs told me, I knew. I could truly breathe again. The knot slowly unraveled itself, fading away into oblivion Lying eagle spread on the ground I stared up at the sky as it slowly made the transition from dusk to dark. The colors spreading across the sky were mindbending. Sun-dappled clouds, flecks of orange and purple dyed the blue sky a unique blend of pink. The cool grass felt wonderful under my arms, and a light breeze blew waves through the grass, causing ripples and swells, tousling the sweat soaked hair that lay matted on my head, and now of my own will power,
I smiled.