Bridgits Flame: Take Two
Hey all, heres my entry for Bridgits Flame this week! I am really excited to post this one, its what I wanted to post last week so if you need a reference point just look at my entry from last week. That can be considered as a prequel, but you really shouldnt need to read it to understand this one.
And I promise that next weeks entry will be alot ( Read more... )
11. perfect for a human-sized wreck to fit into too. Try leaving 'too' out of this sentence, as it flows well without it.
12. The floodgates broke. I really like how you have left this sentence in its own paragraph. Doing this adds emphasis to the sentence, which really works in this instance! Very well done!
13. Was some analytical part of my consciousness happy that I had lost? Could it see the benefits that at the
moment were concealed from me at the moment? A good thing to try and do when writing is to avoid using the same words too frequently. In this sentence, try replacing the second instance of 'at the moment' with something like at the time, or another phrase that conveys the same meaning.
14. A thing that I had done constantly during the day in times of pure bliss (to improve the flow of this sentence, insert a comma after bliss) brought out to comfort me when I needed that feeling the most?
15. But I didn’t care what they thought. Another rule I try to follow is to avoid using but at the beginning of a sentence. This sentence flows well without it. Try leaving it out, and see what you think.
16. The tears just kept on coming (insert a comma before and, which is a conjunction) and I gradually I (remove I) felt
all of my fuel, all of my anger, drain out of me, little by little.
17. But (as above, try leaving but off the start of this sentence. It flows well without it.) despite what my lungs told me, I knew. I could truly breathe again. Try making these two sentences into one. example: despite what my lungs told me, I knew I could truly breathe again.
18. The knot slowly unraveled itself, fading
away into oblivion (insert a full stop after oblivion) Lying eagle spread (spread eagle is the correct term) on the ground I stared up at the sky as it slowly made the transition from dusk to dark.
19. The cool grass felt wonderful under
my arms, and a light breeze blew waves through the grass, causing ripples and swells, tousling the sweat soaked hair that lay matted on my head,(try ending this sentence here, as this last sentence deserves a paragraph of its own.)
and now
(try leaving the and out, as it's best to try and avoid starting a sentence with and.) of my own will power, (try replacing the comma here with an elipsis .... example: Now, of my own will power....
I love how you end this piece! saying, simply, I smiled, sums up the happiness you felt, and ends the story on such a happy note!
I thoroughly enjoyed this! Very nicely done, thank you so much for bringing this very personal piece to us!
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