Bridgits Flame: Take Two

[sporty502]

Hey all, heres my entry for Bridgits Flame this week!  I am really excited to post this one, its what I wanted to post last week so if you need a reference point just look at my entry from last week.  That can be considered as a prequel, but you really shouldnt need to read it to understand this one.

And I promise that next weeks entry will be alot

Comments

[desert_rose]

Hi there,

One of your editors here, checking in a little late, sorry.

I really like your take on this topic! It's personal, and expresses your feelings beautifully!

My editing suggestions:

1. "You are the number two alternate" Insert a comma before the end quote.
2. Stop. Stop! To add emphasis to these words, try putting an exclamation mark after the first stop as well, and also capitalizing them.
3. New images took their place, what was to come. Replace the comma after place with a full stop, as it seems to improve the flow. See what you think, anyways. Also, as what was to come sounds like a question, replace the full stop with a question mark.
4. This is would be my fuel. Try removing is from this sentence, as it doesn't seem as though 'is' is really necessary. example: This would be my fuel.
5. was the rightful owner of the state spot, (to improve the flow of this sentence, replace the comma after spot with a full stop) if any other matches has (had) been picked then I
surely would have won. Replacing has with had is more gramatically correct, and keeps the piece in the past tense.
6. I had to burn it all off (to improve the flow of this sentence, insert a comma after off) this anger, this unharnessed fuel.
7. Better there than in my heart,
when (try replacing when with where, and see if that's the word you wanted here)I would actually have to deal with it.
8. I had ran for what seemed like forever, As this is in the past tense, had is not necessary before ran. example: I ran for what seemed like forever, but in actuality was probably only twenty minutes.
9. my head began to clear (insert a comma after clear, as commas are needed before conjunctions, of which and is one) and I was beginning to see
straight again. example: my head began to clear, and I was beginning to see
straight again.
10. my shoulders exhaling (this word is mainly used when releasing a breath. Try a word like relaxed. If using relaxed, try leaving out in relief.) in relief as I took of (off) their restraints. example: my shoulders relaxed, as I took off their restraints. As this piece is written in the past tense, try to stick to this tense for consistency. I hope this makes sense. :-) If not, I'm more than happy to explain when I'm less tired.