Let me clarify this part: "...And plus, with four years minimum before she would move to Portland, or wherever, there's definitely another lover on the horizon." He means me (edie) having another lover, in case you were confused. Which you probably weren't, since he mentions two of his in this entry alone. And there was a pronoun missing, so i thought i'd clarify.
Another clarification - 3 years now - not four! I've officially been in debt settlement for a year. Well, 11 months I guess. See, it's going really fast! And my car will be paid off in 2.6 years. So, if all goes well, in three years I will be free, with $675/month extra in disposable income. That's if I stay in my current job, which I probably won't, so I'd still be a poor person. And i'll be a free poor person! As free as any human can get that is.
It was two years ago you asked me about marriage, after being together only a year. Scared the crap out of me, and after hearing you explain it in context I probably overreacted. We were defining concepts of "trust," "safety" and "consistency" back then. I had never been involved in such a tumultuous relationship before you, and I always thought it was unhealthy when couples would split up and get back together, let's be together, no let's not, and so I was certainly not sure about our fate at that point. I wasn't even sure I knew who you were. I feel much, much more confident than i did then. Not that I want to get married, I don't really believe in the institution of it, and besides, well, I suppose I won't mention the pink elephant in the middle of the living room.
I am beginning to feel a lot more comfortable in the long-term stability of us.. It's true the intensity has waned a little bit as of late, and I'm enjoying the safety of it, knowing it probably won't last, waiting for the next ride on the rollercoaster. I like having a little break once in a while. I'm also looking forward to spending a few days alone with you - we haven't in a long time - and I think that will kick it up a notch.
I've enjoyed hearing about your escapades over the weekend, and I'm always a little envious that you are able to meet people and instantly have deep connections with them. It usually takes me years of knowing someone before I feel that intimacy and freedom to let my guard down. Which is of course something I need to work on. And i wonder, how do you know those connections are real? How can you feel so confident about who a person is based on a few hours of interacting in a very controlled environment?
I don't think we need to call out whether or not we are "only with each other" or "seeing other people" at any given moment - I think this will happen as a matter of course, as it has been the whole time. There are either other people or there aren't.
I remember you saying a couple months ago, that if things didn't work out with me and Paul, you wanted us to be monogomous for awhile, that you didn't want to have to think about the other stuff, and that you felt you were getting older and probably weren't going to meet anyone else you felt that kind of connection to. And I tried to talk you out of that mentality - you are amazing and there are so many amazing people out there, of course you will meet others you connect with! Older? Geesh you're only 31. I remember saying, "i know you feel that way right this second, but winter's going to come and you're going to be lonely and cold in Portland and you'll meet someone you want to be with much sooner than you think." And there was Jadene not even a couple weeks later, and now you've met this Birdie creature, and i need to hear more about this Katie.
How do you do it? I love that you are open to these situations, and I want so much to practice having other relationships and just have fun with all the awesome people in the world, and I can't seem to get anywhere. It's frustrating a little, especially since you are a bit of a minsanthrope and I'm a hippie who loves everybody. I know I'm totally okay on my own, and I have really good friends, so I don't let it bother me too much. I do love my life. And I'm super happy you are meeting people and having actual fun!
Another clarification - 3 years now - not four! I've officially been in debt settlement for a year. Well, 11 months I guess. See, it's going really fast! And my car will be paid off in 2.6 years. So, if all goes well, in three years I will be free, with $675/month extra in disposable income. That's if I stay in my current job, which I probably won't, so I'd still be a poor person. And i'll be a free poor person! As free as any human can get that is.
It was two years ago you asked me about marriage, after being together only a year. Scared the crap out of me, and after hearing you explain it in context I probably overreacted. We were defining concepts of "trust," "safety" and "consistency" back then. I had never been involved in such a tumultuous relationship before you, and I always thought it was unhealthy when couples would split up and get back together, let's be together, no let's not, and so I was certainly not sure about our fate at that point. I wasn't even sure I knew who you were.
I feel much, much more confident than i did then. Not that I want to get married, I don't really believe in the institution of it, and besides, well, I suppose I won't mention the pink elephant in the middle of the living room.
I am beginning to feel a lot more comfortable in the long-term stability of us.. It's true the intensity has waned a little bit as of late, and I'm enjoying the safety of it, knowing it probably won't last, waiting for the next ride on the rollercoaster. I like having a little break once in a while. I'm also looking forward to spending a few days alone with you - we haven't in a long time - and I think that will kick it up a notch.
I've enjoyed hearing about your escapades over the weekend, and I'm always a little envious that you are able to meet people and instantly have deep connections with them. It usually takes me years of knowing someone before I feel that intimacy and freedom to let my guard down. Which is of course something I need to work on. And i wonder, how do you know those connections are real? How can you feel so confident about who a person is based on a few hours of interacting in a very controlled environment?
I don't think we need to call out whether or not we are "only with each other" or "seeing other people" at any given moment - I think this will happen as a matter of course, as it has been the whole time. There are either other people or there aren't.
I remember you saying a couple months ago, that if things didn't work out with me and Paul, you wanted us to be monogomous for awhile, that you didn't want to have to think about the other stuff, and that you felt you were getting older and probably weren't going to meet anyone else you felt that kind of connection to. And I tried to talk you out of that mentality - you are amazing and there are so many amazing people out there, of course you will meet others you connect with! Older? Geesh you're only 31. I remember saying, "i know you feel that way right this second, but winter's going to come and you're going to be lonely and cold in Portland and you'll meet someone you want to be with much sooner than you think." And there was Jadene not even a couple weeks later, and now you've met this Birdie creature, and i need to hear more about this Katie.
How do you do it? I love that you are open to these situations, and I want so much to practice having other relationships and just have fun with all the awesome people in the world, and I can't seem to get anywhere. It's frustrating a little, especially since you are a bit of a minsanthrope and I'm a hippie who loves everybody. I know I'm totally okay on my own, and I have really good friends, so I don't let it bother me too much. I do love my life. And I'm super happy you are meeting people and having actual fun!
Dare I say you are becoming human again?
Reply
Leave a comment