Chapter 8 - Welcome and Warning, by VKitty
Melting from Harry's fetching reflection into mud (which, if I didn't know these movies so well, I would take as a reflection of Cuaron's own views on Dan Radcliffe's face) we are treated to a sight of the - gasp! - thestrals!
Or an un-sight. However you'd like to put it. Either way, anyone who enjoys Thestrals better soak it up now because you won't be seeing (or unseeing) them again until the fifth movie. Maybe not even then.
From the Thestrals, they take us into the school itself, where we see… the Hogwarts Merry Twinkling Jolly Jazz Clan? I don't know. Either way it some sort of invented-for-the-movie choir and they're playing… frogs?
Also, do all British people look that stern? Because those kids kind of angry.
See?
The Hogwarts Merry Twinkling Jazz Clan stops singing and makes way for… Dumbledore! Yes, Dumbledore. The amazing and most magical, the wonderful and blasphemable, the coolest and most down with it wizard ever!
DUMBLEDORE: And now let me introduce your new and improved... Professor Lupin! You may or may not have met him on the train, sleeping like the unbearable drunk he is.
HARRY: Dumbledore always chooses the best new professors.
DUMBLEDORE: Good luck, Professor Lupin!
LUPIN: *is humble*
SNAPE: *is pissed*
There's a small divertion from the scene, in which Draco Malfoy manages to piss off the entire world. And show off his new haircut. Well played, Malfoy, well played.
DRACO: Harry, you're made of cotton-lollied siss.
HARRY: Mind your knitting, grandma.
Then back to the regular show.
DUMBLEDORE: And since I've got such a great track record in appointing teaching positions to people who are either absolutely inept, or evil, or both - I've seen to it that Hagrid is our new Care of Magical Creatures teacher!
Yes, that's right. The guy who bred a dragon is now the Care of Magical Creatures professor.
Either way, the Gryffindors are happy, the Slytherins aren't and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws couldn't care less because they're not getting any more screentime either way.
DUMBLEDORE: And one last thing! I've allowed several dozen Nazguls of Unusual Size on campus until an evil fugitive out for Harry Potter's blood is captured. They're cold, evil, all-around unlikable creatures, so at least try to stay out of their way. If that doesn't work, then please don't bother them while they're sucking your soul out through your nose. *mumbles* We don't want another repeat of the 1364 incident....
(NOTE: After hearing about the so-called "1364 incident", vkitty went to go dig up everything she could about it. She found a lot, but upon trying to get back into the US from Argentina, most of it was confiscated. She did, however, manage to sneak these few photographs of evidence into the US. You don't want to know how.)
We present to you now, the photographic history of the 1364 incident.
HARRY: The what incident?
HERMIONE: I'll tell you later.
HARRY: So, do we have... like, curfews or anything?
DUMBLEDORE: Of course not! Roam the campus at your leisure! I need a Vicodin! Good night!
The students flood out of the Great Hall and all go to their respective common rooms.
THE PINK LADY: Thank god, I've got so much more personality than the LAST film!
GRYFFINDORS: Oh god, she's got personality now.
THE PINK LADY: I don't think I'll let you guys in. Just for shits and giggles.
Then Dean Thomas walks into a ghost, you know, just so that we remember he's there.
When they're all up in their dorm, the boys eat candy (or... magical animal crackers?) and start roaring/chimping/snorting like what I'm going to assume will be their Patronuses in the future. No, seriously. Why do I think this? Because NOTHING IN THIS FANDOM IS INSIGNIFICANT.
(For the record, Ron is a lion,
Neville is an elephant and Seamus is a monkey.
And Harry is a giant ball of steam.
Interesting. I guess that sort of foreshadows the fifth movie.)
After eating their candies, the boys settle down and get into a pillow fight, of course. Because thirteen-year-old boys have so many dirty pajama pillow fights.
A Dementor roams the campus outside.
DEMENTOR OUTSIDE: Hogwarts... Potter... ssssssss
Or an un-sight. However you'd like to put it. Either way, anyone who enjoys Thestrals better soak it up now because you won't be seeing (or unseeing) them again until the fifth movie. Maybe not even then.
From the Thestrals, they take us into the school itself, where we see… the Hogwarts Merry Twinkling Jolly Jazz Clan? I don't know. Either way it some sort of invented-for-the-movie choir and they're playing… frogs?
Also, do all British people look that stern? Because those kids kind of angry.
See?
The Hogwarts Merry Twinkling Jazz Clan stops singing and makes way for… Dumbledore! Yes, Dumbledore. The amazing and most magical, the wonderful and blasphemable, the coolest and most down with it wizard ever!
DUMBLEDORE: And now let me introduce your new and improved... Professor Lupin! You may or may not have met him on the train, sleeping like the unbearable drunk he is.
HARRY: Dumbledore always chooses the best new professors.
DUMBLEDORE: Good luck, Professor Lupin!
LUPIN: *is humble*
SNAPE: *is pissed*
There's a small divertion from the scene, in which Draco Malfoy manages to piss off the entire world. And show off his new haircut. Well played, Malfoy, well played.
DRACO: Harry, you're made of cotton-lollied siss.
HARRY: Mind your knitting, grandma.
Then back to the regular show.
DUMBLEDORE: And since I've got such a great track record in appointing teaching positions to people who are either absolutely inept, or evil, or both - I've seen to it that Hagrid is our new Care of Magical Creatures teacher!
Yes, that's right. The guy who bred a dragon is now the Care of Magical Creatures professor.
Either way, the Gryffindors are happy, the Slytherins aren't and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws couldn't care less because they're not getting any more screentime either way.
DUMBLEDORE: And one last thing! I've allowed several dozen Nazguls of Unusual Size on campus until an evil fugitive out for Harry Potter's blood is captured. They're cold, evil, all-around unlikable creatures, so at least try to stay out of their way. If that doesn't work, then please don't bother them while they're sucking your soul out through your nose. *mumbles* We don't want another repeat of the 1364 incident....
(NOTE: After hearing about the so-called "1364 incident", vkitty went to go dig up everything she could about it. She found a lot, but upon trying to get back into the US from Argentina, most of it was confiscated. She did, however, manage to sneak these few photographs of evidence into the US. You don't want to know how.)
We present to you now, the photographic history of the 1364 incident.
HARRY: The what incident?
HERMIONE: I'll tell you later.
HARRY: So, do we have... like, curfews or anything?
DUMBLEDORE: Of course not! Roam the campus at your leisure! I need a Vicodin! Good night!
The students flood out of the Great Hall and all go to their respective common rooms.
THE PINK LADY: Thank god, I've got so much more personality than the LAST film!
GRYFFINDORS: Oh god, she's got personality now.
THE PINK LADY: I don't think I'll let you guys in. Just for shits and giggles.
Then Dean Thomas walks into a ghost, you know, just so that we remember he's there.
When they're all up in their dorm, the boys eat candy (or... magical animal crackers?) and start roaring/chimping/snorting like what I'm going to assume will be their Patronuses in the future. No, seriously. Why do I think this? Because NOTHING IN THIS FANDOM IS INSIGNIFICANT.
(For the record, Ron is a lion,
Neville is an elephant and Seamus is a monkey.
And Harry is a giant ball of steam.
Interesting. I guess that sort of foreshadows the fifth movie.)
After eating their candies, the boys settle down and get into a pillow fight, of course. Because thirteen-year-old boys have so many dirty pajama pillow fights.
A Dementor roams the campus outside.
DEMENTOR OUTSIDE: Hogwarts... Potter... ssssssss