When life hands you watermelons.....
I surround myself with people that are better than me in the hopes I can pluck even the tiniest shard of their being to better myself.
And so begins my weekend. Thursday and Friday came and went, much to my surprise. And I'm feeling none the better for it. You know those days when you come home so elated and happy and overjoyed, knowing you gave it your all and it turned out great, only to have those that know you best turn you down and leave you alone?
Or perhaps you can join me in another world. One where everyone around you excels and exceeds and you're told you're great but inside you, and only you, know a truth. It's a hollow shell that only brings you unhappiness.
I'm sorry to report I'm in a pretty bad way right now, and what's even worse, is that I don't know why. Inside, I want to tear myself up emotionally. It hit me Thursday and hasn't left. It's like this gut-wrenching pain that won't receede. And you feel even ore shallow for having it.
Right now, I need someone to talk to and vent. I need a breath of fresh air and my 3 little kittens to play with. I need a computer that works. I need a life outside of my life where I'm admired, not jested. Where I can strong and smart and brave and handsome. One where I can instantly be all that I want to be.
But I'll survive with what I have. I'll turn it around and make lemonade.
The juxt of my worries, I guess (if I reveal the truths behind) are relationships and love and life. Sure I've gone on about it before in great detail. But now more than ever I need a body to cuddle up next to and snuggle.
Sure, my flatmate, Sally, and I cuddle every night (as friends) and tell each other everything. And she's a sweetie young thing thats doing well for herself despite all that's shes been through. We're a rock for each other at the moment.
But I fear I'm losing her. And I think that's whats got me all in a knot.
I can't believe I'm typing this.
She's just broken up with her boyfriend and I've been her shoulder, for my part. And now she has 3 potential other guys that shes playing around with... and well.... I guess I viewed myself (besides her boyfriend) as the other main man in her life. And now that is kinda coming undone.
And she's going out, having fun, hooking up with guys and being all kinds of awesome. And here I am, sulking in the shadows, feeling all down and depressed.
This by now is a post rather for me to gather my thoughts, for those that have not garnered that as of yet.
I'll just continue to write what comes to mind in the hope of clarity.
I think I'm almost hitting the nail on the head in relation to my negative feelings. Right now I want to cry and curl up into a ball and I don't know why.
Perhaps I'm jealous of Sally.
I know I shouldn't be and it's imature and childish, but then again, is it? She has what I have - happiness.
Or is it she's not paying me the attention I want anymore.
It's like my heart clutches my chest, begging not to let go. I want tp punch a wall and cry out in ecstacy. A wave of emotions tumble and turn like a thunderstorm within the catacombs of my body, to and fro.
*takes a deep breath*
Now is a strange time for me. I hope I can change, and ask myself the hard questions in light of a need for change.
I wish to touch inner core and connect with the light and relese my inner glow.
it will take time.
- J
And so begins my weekend. Thursday and Friday came and went, much to my surprise. And I'm feeling none the better for it. You know those days when you come home so elated and happy and overjoyed, knowing you gave it your all and it turned out great, only to have those that know you best turn you down and leave you alone?
Or perhaps you can join me in another world. One where everyone around you excels and exceeds and you're told you're great but inside you, and only you, know a truth. It's a hollow shell that only brings you unhappiness.
I'm sorry to report I'm in a pretty bad way right now, and what's even worse, is that I don't know why. Inside, I want to tear myself up emotionally. It hit me Thursday and hasn't left. It's like this gut-wrenching pain that won't receede. And you feel even ore shallow for having it.
Right now, I need someone to talk to and vent. I need a breath of fresh air and my 3 little kittens to play with. I need a computer that works. I need a life outside of my life where I'm admired, not jested. Where I can strong and smart and brave and handsome. One where I can instantly be all that I want to be.
But I'll survive with what I have. I'll turn it around and make lemonade.
The juxt of my worries, I guess (if I reveal the truths behind) are relationships and love and life. Sure I've gone on about it before in great detail. But now more than ever I need a body to cuddle up next to and snuggle.
Sure, my flatmate, Sally, and I cuddle every night (as friends) and tell each other everything. And she's a sweetie young thing thats doing well for herself despite all that's shes been through. We're a rock for each other at the moment.
But I fear I'm losing her. And I think that's whats got me all in a knot.
I can't believe I'm typing this.
She's just broken up with her boyfriend and I've been her shoulder, for my part. And now she has 3 potential other guys that shes playing around with... and well.... I guess I viewed myself (besides her boyfriend) as the other main man in her life. And now that is kinda coming undone.
And she's going out, having fun, hooking up with guys and being all kinds of awesome. And here I am, sulking in the shadows, feeling all down and depressed.
This by now is a post rather for me to gather my thoughts, for those that have not garnered that as of yet.
I'll just continue to write what comes to mind in the hope of clarity.
I think I'm almost hitting the nail on the head in relation to my negative feelings. Right now I want to cry and curl up into a ball and I don't know why.
Perhaps I'm jealous of Sally.
I know I shouldn't be and it's imature and childish, but then again, is it? She has what I have - happiness.
Or is it she's not paying me the attention I want anymore.
It's like my heart clutches my chest, begging not to let go. I want tp punch a wall and cry out in ecstacy. A wave of emotions tumble and turn like a thunderstorm within the catacombs of my body, to and fro.
*takes a deep breath*
Now is a strange time for me. I hope I can change, and ask myself the hard questions in light of a need for change.
I wish to touch inner core and connect with the light and relese my inner glow.
it will take time.
- J