Song of Autumn (2/4)

[spokes_man]

It seems I fell asleep on the couch, because the next thing I remember is waking up to the feeling of fingers running through my hair, and the smell of Yunho’s cologne invading my nostrils. I was resting on his shoulder, television on with the lowest volume possible, lights dim. I stirred up, and Yunho turned to look at me.

“Hey, how are you?” He asked in a soft voice.
“Tired” I mumbled. I suppose all the tension and fear left my body, leaving me more tired than ever when I finally relaxed.
“Why don’t you go to bed, then?” Yunho smiled, warm and caring and Yunho. My Yunho.
“It’s early” I complained, but just because I wanted to stay longer with him. Now that my heart was assured that I could trust him, I didn’t want to let go anymore.
“It’s not that early!” He chuckled “Plus, you’re mentally tired, so you should really try and rest” Caressing my forehead, parting my fringe, his thumb drew warm lines over my skin, and I remembered; he confessed and I didn’t answer him. He confessed and I fainted and went into chaos and forgot about it all. “Jaejoong?” He was looking at me funny, probably because I blushed.
“Ah, Yunho, I…,” I had to tell him something, I had to answer him. Enough cruelty from my side towards him.
“What?”
“You, the other day… confessed to me, right?” He turned beet red instantly, and stuttered before he was able to talk. Adorable.
“Just, well, forget it? It was a bad timing and I understand it all and…,”
“But I like you too” And that silenced him. Wide eyed, his gaze locked into mine. I smiled, for the first time in all this days, I really smiled.
“You do?” A whisper, and I broke into laughter. I lent forward and surrounded his shoulders, hugging him.
“Of course I do!” He hugged back, and laughed back, and he pushed me away and studied my face for what looked like ages. And he was shining. He was gorgeous and perfect and bright. And he kissed me. He lent forward and kissed me. Shy, caring, playful, warm; then exploring, brave and deep. And I lost my breath, and my heart, and I knew.

I knew I was gone forever in those arms and those lips.

Sun rays hit my face, and the light woke me up. I opened one eye, going instantly blind for some seconds. Complaining, I tried to turn away from the window light, but I found I couldn’t. I was pinned down on the mattress by some unknown weight. Lifting my hands, surrounding that weight over me, I felt it warm and comfortable and breathing. Cracking the not-blinded eye open, I saw a mop of blond hair resting on my chest. It took me two seconds to process it all, and then there was no way I could stop a grin from splitting my face.

That first morning, waking up with Jaejoong sleeping all over me… I will never forget it.




That night had been a crazy roller-coaster of sensations. He told me he liked me back, insinuated than more than liking, and we kissed. We hugged and kissed for hours. I brought one hand to my lips, touching them, trying to remember the feeling of the soft and thick lips of Jaejoong over mines, but, of course, it was impossible. Jaejoong’s lips were too perfect to recreate with anything else.

My chin resting on his head, I surrounded his warm body with my arms, squeezing him against me. I think I’ve been in love with him since always. I think I was in love with him even before knowing him, if that makes any sense. Caressing his back under the blanket I noticed his t-shirt had rode up, exposing naked skin of his waist. I delighted for some seconds running my fingers on it, drawing careful patterns with my fingertips, worshiping every centimeter I could conquer. Jaejoong mumbled something, moved a little, and opened his eyes slowly. There is no explanation for the warm wave that filled my heart seeing him rubbing his sleepy eyes, pouted lips, hair in all directions and still with my arms around him. That was the place I always had wanted to be.

“Good morning” I felt his heart jumping when he heard my voice, but as soon as he turned his face towards me, and a beautiful close-lipped smile stretched his face, his heartbeat turned calm, loving, musical again.
“Good morning. For a second here, I forgot it all” He smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t you dare forget it all!” I slapped his low back teasingly, and he chuckled.
“Sorry! It just seemed too good to be true…,” I hugged him tighter, squeezing. He complained while laughing. “I won’t forget, I won’t!!”
“That’s good then,” Letting him go, he lifted his upper body leaning on one elbow, and lightly punched my chest with his free hand, making me lose some air. Laughing, I grabbed him, and rolled us on bed until he was trapped underneath me. “Now what, huh? Yield?” He was laughing freely, and my heart was soaring.
“Now I kiss you” and before I could carry on, he was raising his head and his lips were all over mine. We kissed for a while, playful, innocent, warm. I discovered my new most favorite thing: kissing Jaejoong. When we broke for air, his eyes never left mine, his smile never left his lips. I know I was positively beaming.
“Let’s go have breakfast.” I offered.
“eeh, why? It’s nice here!” His arms and legs came around me, trapping me in a ‘koala’ hug. I laughed.
“Yes it’s nice, but we have some classes to attend, don’t we?” He let me go instantly, and I wanted to slap myself “That’s, well, if you feel like it? We can stay here all day if you want!” I saw hesitation for a couple of seconds, then I saw determination, and then, once he met my eyes with his gaze, I saw happiness and, dare I say it, love. I smiled at him. “Whatever you want, baby.”
“Hmm, baby sounds pretty nice…,” He caressed my face with his big and soft palm “Just for that you deserve a prize.” He raised his head and gave me a small peck. “Let’s go have breakfast, and get ready for class.” I couldn’t be prouder of him.

We made it barely on time for the first class, but we couldn’t be less bothered about it. We had a wonderful breakfast composed of toasts, jam, coffee and laughter. We played with the food, offering it to each other, then throwing it all over us. We ran by the hall, we hid, we joked, we hugged, we kissed.

Jaejoong glowed. During the whole morning I saw a new light in him. His skin was brighter, his eyes clearer and more colorful, his smile bigger and whiter. He was full of life, he was pure sunshine. I am not exaggerating, really. Jaejoong was always a sight to behold, handsome beyond words, but that morning he was simply out of this world. He was ethereal. I still remember it all so well… I still can hear his carefree laughter echoing on the walls. And I was so proud, so happy I could burst at any moment, knowing it was me who did that. It was me who changed Jaejoong for the better. It was me who he asked for help, who he liked, who he kissed and me who made him shine more than he had ever done before.

Oh, I was so deeply in love, nothing else mattered.

Days were wonderful. I was happy.

There was no other way to describe it: I was genuinely happy. Yunho pulled me out of the nightmare with his hugs, his kisses and his smile. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I really forgot it all during those days, thanks to him being always by my side.

Yoochun gave me thumbs up when we first appeared the day after talking to him, holding hands. People watched us, and I could feel their jealousy. It made me raise my head higher. ‘Yes, people, I am the one holding perfect Jung Yunho’s hand. I am the one sharing kisses and secrets with him, and none of you will ever taste him’. I was elated.

But reality crashed on us not even a week later.

We were sitting in front of each other at the food court of the university, sharing jokes, and bad food, and caresses, when a younger student came running to our table.
“Jung Yunho hyung!!” He yelled breathlessly once he was next to our table.
“What?”
“Your brother, Changmin, has fainted!!” And all hell broke loose.

We ran to the infirmary, Yunho was out of himself. He was very protective of his brother, always talking about his smart and witty younger brother, always proud, always caring. His anguished face when he saw the taller young boy broke my heart. We asked around, and the nurse informed us he complained about a horrible headache, and then fainted. I froze. It couldn’t be, could it?

We stood there for around one hour, the nurse coming and going, Yunho sitting on a chair next to the bed, me caressing his shoulders, kissing his hair. My mind never stopping ‘could it be, could it be?’. Then, Changmin woke up, startled.

“Changmin!” Yunho was hovering over his brother in less than one second.
“H-hyung?” Changmin was sweating, his eyes too wide, looking around trying to guess where he was. My heart clenched in fear, all too familiar.
“Are you ok?? They told us you fainted,” Yunho kept on checking on his brother’s face, as if searching for something.
“Ah… yes, I’m ok. I think.” Changmin looked straight at me then. I felt goosebumps.
“I’ll go call the nurse, ok? Jae, can you stay with him?” Yunho caressed my forearm, and I nodded.
“Of course.” He pecked me, and after assuring us he will be back fast, he left. And somehow, I was worried of being left alone with his younger brother.
“Is it gone now, the headache?” I tried to ask casually. I was concerned for his health, sure, but this feeling of ‘what if’ was seriously telling me to run away.
“It happened to you too, right?” His voice was shaky, and I laid a hand on his forehead. It was cold and clammy.
“Don’t know if it’s the same, I had horrible headaches, yes, and then…,”
“And then you remembered it all, right?” My heart stopped beating, painfully “You saw it all, too, right? What they did to us…,”
“Oh, damn, Changmin” I hugged him. I threw myself over his bed and hugged him, and he hugged me back, and I think he silently cried, because I could feel his body shaking. Why, why him too?
“It was horrible, horrible…,” Whispering, as if afraid of telling it too loud. And gods, how I understood him. The fear of demons appearing if you mentioned such horrible past out loud.
“I know, I remember it all too.” I didn’t know what to tell him, how to comfort him.
“Do the rest remember?” His voice was muffled by my shoulder and cut by his sobbing.
“Yoochun does, the rest no.”
“Oh my god, then my brother will have to go through this too…,” I shivered. Yunho, my Yunho, will have to suffer it all too. I thought maybe only me and Yoochun will remember, but now that Changmin remembered too… I thought about Junsu. It had been long since I saw him the last time, and maybe he remembered too? Before I could think of anything else to do or say, the door opened.
“Jaejoong?” Yunho’s voice came from behind me, and then the nurse pushed me apart from Changmin, to check on him. I walked towards Yunho, and seems I had some tears in my eyes too, since he looked at me concernedly and hugged me, asking me what was wrong.
“We have to tell him, Jaejoong hyung.” Changmin said.
“We can’t…,” I choked.
“We have to.” Yeah, I knew it was true. I just didn’t want to, I really didn’t want to make him suffer like that.

But we had to.

After the shock of my brother’s fainting and my boyfriend crying over him as if he was going to die, we made it out of the nursing room and went back home. They were completely silent for the whole way back, Jaejoong holding my hand and caressing Changmin’s back with the other in a protective way. I was so lost, and somehow, so scared…

We arrived to our place, but Changmin asked Jaejoong if we all could go to his’. Jaejoong agreed, and we continued our way in silence. I was totally freaked out.

Once at Jae’s place, I sat down on his comfortable couch next to Changmin, whose gaze was fixed on the floor, almost teary. It was breaking my heart. Jaejoong disappeared for some minutes that I tried to use to talk to my brother, who barely responded with nods and hums. Jaejoong came back with three mugs of something steaming. Once he offered the mugs to us, I saw it was tea.

“We need it, for our nerves”

Well, I was certainly freaking out, so I agreed with the choice.

Silence enveloped us for long minutes, an eternity. We sipped our tea in silence, Jaejoong checking on Changmin with a worried stare, Changmin gazing at nowhere, and me checking them both, feeling like crying out.

“Ok.” Changmin broke the silence. “This is really going to be difficult, hyung, but…,” Jaejoong rested a supportive arm on my brother’s shoulder, and squeezed it. A lot of weird stuff ran through my head about what they could know that I didn’t, what they had to talk about. They didn’t even know each other that well, right? I even thought Changmin was going to confess his love for my boyfriend, and Jaejoong was going to leave me…

Silence was making me lose my mind.

“Please, do try to tell me cause I’m going crazy over here.” I kind of exploded, but the tension was nerve wracking.
“Well, you see… I’ve been having these headaches for some days already,” Changmin started.
“What?? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was afraid. I thought I was going crazy… but then I remembered it happened to Jaejoong hyung too, at least the headaches, and I wanted to ask him.” Jaejoong squeezed Changmin’s hand. I wanted to bit my nails. “But it’s not necessary anymore, since now I know. Now I remember” My heart jumped. Those were almost the exact words Jaejoong had said when he had his last headache.
“What the hell, what are you playing at?” I was so confused, even thinking they were having a good laugh with me.
“Yunho!” Jaejoong protested.
“It’s not a game. I wish it was.” A couple of fat tears ran down Changmin’s face, and I froze on my place.
“What is happening…,” Jaejoong was tearing too, now “You’re both scaring me.”
“It’s just… we remember. Our past. Our childhood.”
“Of course you remember! I remember too!!” Being scared and being angry is a pretty close feeling, I discovered.
“No. What you remember, is a lie.” Changmin said it so coldly, a shiver ran down my arms. “We’ve been living a lie, Yunho.”
“What the…,” I was so lost…Jaejoong stood up and knelt in front of me, grabbing my hands, kissing them, his eyes full of unshed tears.
“We are all remembering, Yunho. Yoochun remembers it too.” My Jaejoong said, looking like a broken angel paint, and I felt like I could cry just by seeing such sadness in his eyes.
“What? What are you remembering?” I shouted in despair.
“What we are. What we were raised to do. What they did to us,” And with a sobbing Jaejoong squeezing my hands, and the saddest gaze I had ever seen on my brother’s face, they began to explain everything to me.

It was a high tech facility in the middle of nowhere. Fields upon fields of green grass and colorful flowers surrounded the place for kilometers; there was even some deep woods around. There were four buildings: the main one was a weird looking monstrosity of white, grey and steel and glass. It was pretty intimidating but that was part of its function, so it was a perfect design. The other three buildings were normal buildings: concrete, beams, white and blue paint with huge windows covered by dark chocolate venetian blinds, and lots of rooms with beds, desktops, closets and books and toys.

Dozens of children lived there. All orphans. Officially, it was a place for those lucky ones who could proof they were ‘sane’ enough to continue living; so the children living in those buildings were happy: playing, running, laughing.

Junsu was the first to arrive, not older than ten. He was happy, friendly, and played with everybody. Then came Yoochun, and Yunho with Changmin, all around the same age. They became inseparable.

Sometimes kids were called to the main building. And once those kids entered, they were never the same again. They became paranoid, always scared, crybabies, lonely, sad. It hurt the group of friends to see some of the others going there because they knew they lost one of their companions. Sometimes, some kids didn’t even come back.

Then, Yoochun was called.

They bawled and kicked and fought, but it was unstoppable. They didn’t see Yoochun for three days.

When he came back, he was silent. He didn’t raise his gaze from the floor. His steps were timid, and his hands were always clenched in fists. When he finally saw the rest of his gang, he cried, and cried, and cried, and they all cried and hugged him. Something had changed, something had snapped.

Then they called Junsu, and Yunho, and Changmin.

Inside that building there were ugly men, ugly old men with scary instruments in scary rooms, full of beeping machines and sharp looking artifacts. They put the kids on stretchers and sedated them. And while they were falling asleep they heard the cries, the yelling of other children, the noises of machines being used, the voices of adults discussing.

When they woke up they had been connected to machines, and there was blood and there was people around them, studying them, touching them, hurting them.

They couldn’t yell nor move. They could just cry in pain and horror until they let them go; and then they cried together, hugging each other, all of them terrified.

Then, came Jaejoong.

Blond hair, turquoise eyes, pale skin. Jaejoong looked like he didn’t belong there. All the kids surrounded him. Silent, scared kids wanted to talk to him. Jaejoong smiled, laughed loudly, and played with them all. Jaejoong brought laughter back to the place.

Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin and Yunho were fascinated by the new kid, and the new kid was too with them. Soon, Jaejoong was part of the gang. For a long while, it all seemed fine. The adults were happy with whatever they achieved, and the children could play, laugh and forget. Or at least, try it.

But then they called Jaejoong.

And Jaejoong didn’t come back for more than three weeks.

They were all sure they lost their friend, and when he came back they were all afraid of talking to him. But Yunho did, Yunho hugged him. And Jaejoong smiled. And Jaejoong said he was ok. So they played again, and laughed again.

And things kept going like that. They took Jaejoong a lot of times, they took the other four too. They laid more times in those horrible stretches than in their own beds.

But they wanted to do something with Jaejoong. They said he was perfect, and they wanted to create something new from him. Jaejoong was scared. Yunho was scared. They all were. So they tried to resist every time the adults came, and they achieved it a couple of times. But then the soldiers came, and there was nothing else to do. They took Jaejoong against his will. And then, he did cry. They all cried.

They tried to save him, to take him out, but Jaejoong was lying half opened with those horrible adults doing atrocities to his body.

He has the perfect blood, they said. He has the perfect organs, they said. He was perfect to clone his organs, so they could mass-produce them or something, and then sell them to all the sick people in the world.

They wanted to destroy Jaejoong, cut him to pieces, to make business. They wanted to do it with all of them, all this time.

So they ran away, or at least, they tried to. But the soldiers appeared, and shot them. They shot little horrified children who were trying to ran away from the horrors of such mutilation and torture.

But they didn’t kill them; the children woke up in those horrible stretchers seconds before being sedated. And they knew, they knew this people could erase brains. And they knew. It was all over.

Changmin was biting his lips, shifting his gaze from me to my hands, to Jaejoong, who had his head lowered onto my knees and was crying silently, squeezing my hand as if it was his last piece of lifeline.

I was trying to breathe.

There’s some seconds I don’t remember. I think I blanked out.

Then I was angry and I thought it was a horrible joke, and I wanted to punch them both.

But then I saw my brother’s face, pale, horrified. I saw my boyfriend’s shoulders shaking with his muffled sobbing and I knew they couldn’t lie to me like this, ever.

What was I supposed to say, then? I didn’t remember any of that, and it was quite big. No, more than that. They were saying my whole life was a lie, that my real history was a horror tale of torture and mutilation for the greater good. I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I heard them calling me but I couldn’t care less. I closed the door once inside, let myself slide to the floor and sat with my head between my legs, trying to breathe, trying to think. Trying to swallow.

“Yunho, babe…,” I heard Jaejoong’s pained voice from behind the door.
“Please… please, give me one second” I begged. I don’t even know if I actually talked or it was just inside my mind.
“… of course.” He whispered back.

I closed my eyes and let my mind blank, staying in there for who knows how long, trying to recollect the pieces of the life I had known until that very day, which were now floating everywhere, without a sense to glue them all together anymore.




I seriously thought I would go mad with worry.
Changmin was exhausted so he was lying down on my couch, eyes closed, but seemingly not sleeping. I was just sitting on the floor, looking down the hall, waiting for the bathroom door to open and for my Yunho to walk out of it.

It was a bad idea, I knew it. We should have waited for him to remember on his own. Sure, the headaches were bad, but we just broke his world cruelly.

I stood up and paced around the living room until I heard Changmin groaning, complaining, then I resumed my pacing up and down the hall. Yunho had been closed there for more than forty minutes and I was beyond myself. I was seriously considering breaking down the door when I heard the lock open and the door creak. Then, the silhouette of my poor man walked out of the bathroom.

“Oh, Jae, what are you doing here?” His voice was husky, his eyes whole red and puffy, his nose runny… I threw myself into his arms and hugged him as strongly as I could. “Jae?”
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” I repeated again and again. I felt his arms strongly hugging me back and his cheek resting on my head.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. This is something I had to know.” He sounded a mix between scared and sure.
“You believe us?”
“Of course I do. You both wouldn’t lie to me in something like this. Probably that’s why it’s so hard…,” I leaned back and kissed his lips, once, twice, then his cheeks and his nose and his eyes and his forehead. He let me kiss every corner on his face while he sighed, seemingly happy with the affection. Probably needing it.
“You are the bravest man I’ve ever known.”
“I am not. How long have I been there, one hour? That’s not brave at all…,” He snorted sadly, and I shook my head in negative.
“Of course you are! Look at me, I needed days!” He looked at me wide eyed and with a weird expression I didn’t understand.
“Oh my god Jaejoong, of course, that’s why you acted like that…,” Oh, then I understood. He didn’t tie loose ends together yet. “Oh babe, you had to go through this alone…,” And then it was him kissing me everywhere and hugging me.
“And that shows you both give a fuck about the younger who just survived all this today, right?” Changmin’s voice came from the living room, and we both hurried to his side.

Yunho was all over him, hugging him. Even if Changmin is not a ‘let’s show care’ type of guy, he didn’t complain to any of the hugs Yunho gave him. They adored each other, these brothers.

For a while we sat really close together, as if in a knot, arms thrown over shoulders, hands caressing faces and backs, trying to show support and care to each other, because we all knew now. We all understood what we felt.

And even if it was the worst reality one could imagine, I was so glad I had them with me. So glad I wasn’t alone, and Yunho was there, holding my hand.

We stayed up all night. There was no way we could go to sleep.

I was feeling quite weird. Have you ever had one of those dreams, so real that you think you are awake? I was feeling somehow like that, with the difference that I knew I was awake. But reality had become so strange I couldn’t find a way to grasp it anymore.

We talked for hours, or watched the silence come down into us, or just walked out to the balcony to breathe the night’s scent, trying to put our minds in some order.

My brother amazed me. Jaejoong and I were more of a mess than he was, and supposedly Changmin was the last one who had just suffered the horrible headaches and saw the horrible visions (yeah, they explained me everything that happened to them during the fainting). I was just told, as if it was a horror tale, but he was stronger and more in one piece than I was. By far.

In resume, we decided to ‘keep going’. We couldn’t understand why we were out there. Free, living normal lives, when supposedly we were so useful for the science and the human kind. But we were sure that if we suddenly disappeared, all of us, someone would notice, someone would know why it happened, and we would face some serious shit. So we were going to stay, continue our classes, our lives, and try to grab all the information we could about what happened to us after they ‘cleaned’ our brains.

Next day Changmin and I skipped classes. We had an excuse, since everybody knew my brother had those headaches and fainted. I could stay pretending to keep an eye on him. As much as I wanted Jaejoong to stay with us, he was right thinking better not to. It could be suspicious.

Yes, suddenly, we were afraid of everything, and conscious of our every move.

By evening, Jaejoong came back to our place and spent the night there. With his hands between mine, and sitting as close as we could, he told me about how the day proceeded with normalcy, but how he didn’t see Yoochun at all, nor Junsu for some days. Weeks.

Sure, Junsu didn’t study at our university. He didn’t study at all, in fact. He was a worker at a coffee shop near the campus where we usually went in our free time. He worked there with his family and at least once every week we used to see him. He became a close friend of Yoochun, and since then hanged around with us even out of the coffee shop. It was weird not seeing him in so long... and now, knowing what we knew, it was beyond weird.

It was terrifying.

Next day the Jung brothers came back to class with me. I remember I didn’t have much classes that day, so I decided to check on our missing friends. I walked around in search of Yoochun, tried to contact him through phone a thousand times, but it was impossible, and I gave up. Sending a text to Yunho to tell him where to find me, I walked towards Junsu’s cafe. It wasn’t far away, so in less than ten minutes I found myself standing on the entrance, heart clenched, nervous to the point of being sick. I stepped inside.

“Oh, Jaejoong oppa!” Junsu’s sister was standing behind the counter, cleaning it. The cafe was practically empty “Long time no see, how are you?”
“Oh, I’m... fine,” Somehow it surprised me to see her so... how to say it, ‘normal’. I don’t know what I was expecting... but after all the roller-coaster of emotions of the past weeks, somehow I thought I would find problems here, or something like that.
“Good to know! You alone?”
“Yep, the others are still in class”
“All of them? Cool, sit down and have something to drink?” She smiled, and I did as she told, asking for a hot coffee and some sweet bread. She went on working on the machines preparing my order.
“Hmm, hey Eunsu, do you know where your brother is?” She turned around to look at me, an eyebrow arched questioning.
“What do you mean do I know? Of course I do! Didn’t he tell you?”
“Tell me what?” She came walking to the table I was sitting at, and put my order on it.
“Oh gods, that idiot. He went on a trip with some friends from his school years. Don’t know where, though.”
“I see. Well that’s good, it means he’s ok.”
“Why wouldn’t he?” Startled, I looked back at her. I didn’t notice I told that aloud, too relieved at knowing Junsu was fine and having fun somewhere. I gulped. Her face was inquiring, but at the same time... nervous? Yeah, her eyes had a nervous shine on them. Before I could open my mouth to answer, the door opened and Yunho entered the place, looking around until he spotted me.
“There you are,” Smiling, he walked towards us “Hey there Eunsu, how’s it going?” Yunho put a friendly hand on Eunsu’s shoulder, and sat down after a second. He missed Eunsu’s blushing, but I saw it all perfectly.
“So good to see you again, Yunho oppa” Even her way of talking changed. “Something to drink?”
“Same as Joongie here, please?” With a smile and an ‘of course’, Eunsu walked away to prepare Yunho’s coffee. Yunho’s full attention was mine now “All ok?”
“Yeah. You?”
“All good.” He smiled, I smiled. I always felt at peace with him around. “Any news on Su?”
“Yeah, seems he is on a trip with friends.”
“Uh? He has other friends than us?” He smirked, and I punched his forearm.
“Smart-ass”
“Your smart-ass” He was rubbing his abused arm, but the smile never left his lips. He made a motion as if to grab my hand, but Eunsu came back with his coffee, almost smashing it on the table, and with a smile on her face. That she scared the crap out of us goes without saying.
“Enjoy” She walked away with a forced smile.
“... what’s her problem?” He asked me. I sighed.
“You being blind, that’s her problem.” I sipped my coffee while I heard Yunho mumbling ‘why’ and ‘what are you talking about’. I always knew Eunsu enjoyed Yunho’s visits more than anyone else, the way she looked to him was practically worshipping. But Yunho never noticed, and I felt kind of bad now for being here, with him. He was mine, and as much as I felt proud and happy about it, Eunsu never did anything wrong to me to rub that fact on her face.
“Whatever” He gave a small sip on his coffee. “Have you seen Yoochun around?”
“No, and I’ve been searching for him all day long. He doesn’t answer the phone either.”
“Hmm... maybe...” The noise of the door opening stopped him.
“Yo” Changmin entered the place with, for our surprise, Yoochun following him.
“Chun! Finally, man, where have you been?” I asked as soon as they were at our table, grabbing chairs to sit down with us.
“Sorry, I’ve been really busy.” He answered flatly.
“But I called you and everything! You could check your phone at least”
“You did? Sorry.” Yunho and I looked at him and then looked at each other. Seemingly we both noticed something was off with our friend, He spoke ‘automatically’, if that makes any sense.
“Yoochun? Are you...” Yunho said, but was interrupted again by Eunsu.
“Nice to see you all together here, even if I find it quite weird. Changmin oppa, you hang around with this guys too?”
“Huh, Yunho is my brother, you know?” Changmin looked at her as if she was dumb. She blushed a little.
“Of course I know! I just never saw you here with the others... well, whatever. What will you have?” Yunho chuckled, making the girl frown while writing the orders on her pad, and I pinched him to stop him.
“Auch! Joongie, what the hell?”
“Aw, you call him Joongie publicly? So cute, things are going nicely, huh?” Even if Changmin said that, his tone of voice and his eyes were telling quite the contrary.
“Shut up you sad and jealous human.” It would have been a funny thing if it wasn’t for Eunsu’s eyes burning me, or Yoochun looking nervously between her and me.
“Are you two...,” Eunsu started, shutting up the brothers “... nothing, just ignore me. Be right back with your orders” She walked back to the counter, and Yunho looked at me.
“She figured it?” He was smiling, and somehow I thought he maybe wasn’t as blind as he made us all believe. I would have continued talking about that, but Yoochun’s way of acting was worrying me quite a lot.
“Chun, you ok?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He didn’t look at my eyes, playing with the sugar bottle on the table. The brothers’ attention on us.
“Don’t know, I just find you acting a little weird...,”
“Then that’s your problem, not mine, right?” That took me unprepared.
“Dude, what the hell!” Yunho exclaimed angrily.
“Damn... Eunsu, ignore my coffee! I’m going now.” And just like that he stood up and walked out of the cafe, ignoring our calls. We simply stood there, in silence, trying to understand what just happened.

We finished our orders fast and walked to Yunho and Changmin’s place. We stood silent all the way, until we were in the safety of their flat. They both were living on their own since they started going to the university, so we felt free to talk there about what was happening, about Yoochun’s weird mood and the possible relation to what was happening to our lives.

Couple of hours later, with nothing clear and even more confused than before, Yunho and I were laying down on his couch, TV on with some random sitcom going on. Changmin declared himself too tired to continue discussing anything, and had gone to his bed long minutes before, so we were just trying to relax and enjoy some time together.

Yunho’s long fingers were caressing my hair slowly, almost with devotion, and I was enjoying it so much I could had perfectly mewled in his arms. Lights were off, only the TV’s flickering lights avoiding total darkness to envelope us. Yunho was under me, his head turned towards the screen, his eyes glossy and half closed. I was resting my head on his chest, half my body lying sideways between his long legs and the couch’s backrest. Comfortable doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. I was safe. Protected. And almost falling asleep, too.

“Yun,” I mumbled, eyes closed. I felt him turning his face, probably to try to look at me.
“Hmm?”
“I’m sleepy.”
“Hmm. Ok, let’s go to bed.” I felt his lips on my forehead, and I opened my eyes, raising my face to his, pursing my lips. “What?” He smiled.
“Only my forehead gets a kiss? Not fair,” He chuckled, and kissed my lips. It was so nice, after all the tension, the problems, the nerves, the fear... it was healing to lay there between his arms, with his lips devoted to mine.
“Better now?” He whispered while caressing my face. I pouted again, and shook my head ‘no’. He chuckled louder, surrounded my body with his arms, pushed up and rolled us, so I was completely trapped, lying under him. “You asked for this.” And he kissed me again.

And again, and again. Longer, deeper, more passionate with each passing minute. My hands wandered by his wide back, his strong shoulders, his thin waist, burning to my memory the shape of all of his muscles with my fingertips. His hand on my waist, sinking under my shirt and running up slowly. The direct contact of his warm hand with my skin made me feverish. It was an indescribable feeling; ticklish in a soft way, warming in a loving way. Arousing and exciting. He was caressing my abs and my belly, and my breathing pattern became erratic and fast. I could feel my heart beating in every vein of my body, and my sleep needs fading away.

When his hands were caressing the skin of my pectorals, dangerously close to my nipples, I broke the kiss. I needed air, it was too suffocating. His hands stopping the movement right where they were, his eyes, shining with the lights of the TV screen but shadowed with want and need, locked into mine. I was trapped, really. It was as if he had full control of me, then. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. My whole world was reduced to him, his hands, his warmth, his eyes, his skin, his hair.

I continued caressing his back, running my hands up to his shoulders, his neck, his nape, his hair. I pushed him down towards me, and kissed him. And it all got in motion again. He pressed himself against me even more, closer, closer. Our kisses became frenzy, fast, wet. I raised my knees and trapped his body between my legs; he moved his kisses to my ear, nibbling, and down towards my jawline and neck. My mind was a mess, but I’m sure I was moaning. His hands continued their exploration, and finally reached my nipples.

It all exploded then. I’d never felt anything like what Yunho was making me feel then. There was a rush in my blood, an uncontrollable need to do something, to reach something. I wanted him, I needed him, but not as I always did, no. This was raw, animalistic. I was losing control over my own body, and my mind was overwhelmed. His fingers playing with and pinching my nipples, his lips drawing every corner of my face, his body rubbing all over my own. It was too much, too fast. He rubbed his crotch against mine, and all my body went rigid. I even stopped breathing for a couple of seconds, and my mind went blank. Probably it was because of everything that was happening, all the sudden revelations, the mind-blowing truths, the instability of everything... don’t know. I just know I was suddenly afraid of what he was turning me into. I couldn’t control my reactions nor my mind, and that scared me.

“Y-Yunho..,.” He made an answering hum noise, but continued kissing and rubbing “Yunho, please.” He stopped then, and looked at me.
“Jae? What’s up?” There was surely something wrong with my face, cause his hands were instantly out of my shirt, caressing it, and his eyebrows furrowed in concern “Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”
“No! No, it’s just... I don’t know,” I sighed and closed my eyes, wanting to bury my face somewhere, hide and disappear. “It was too much? I... lost control,” Yunho chuckled, and continued caressing my face.
“That’s not bad, is it?” He was whispering, his voice filled with care.
“Don’t know... it was scary to not control my own body...,” His face was suddenly sad, and I knew he understood. With all I had seen from my past, knowing all they did to my body and my brain, it was frightening to feel the control slipping away, even if it was in a supposedly good situation. I simply wasn’t ready.
“It’s ok love, I understand.” He kissed my lips tenderly, and I felt ashamed of being scared of him.
“I’m sorry Yunho. I don’t fear you, don’t think that, it’s just...,”
“I understand, really, I do. Let’s go to sleep now, ok?” He smiled so tenderly, and pecked my lips again; my heart was swelling with love. And so I told him.
“I love you” He was still for a while, his eyes locked in mine, fully opened, surely processing what I just told him. Sure it was obvious how I felt, but I never had told him yet.
“Oh, Jaejoong,” He lent his forehead on mine, his hands grabbing my shoulders, squeezing me; his eyes closed tightly while swallowing heavily. I thought he was going to cry. “I love you too.” A whisper that I was able to catch thanks to the absolute silence around us. I caressed his face, overwhelmed with feelings I couldn’t speak about. He leaned down and kissed my lips, slowly and tenderly, nothing like the kisses before.

Smiling to each other, he helped me up from the couch. Hand in hand, we walked to his room. I fell asleep between his arms, with his lips pressed against my forehead, whispering ‘I love yous’ as a lullaby.

It was a couple of days after our love confession when Yoochun appeared in front of me on my way home.

They had been idyllic days, after said confession. Well, as idyllic as they could be in the middle of such a mess. Yeah, it was a little frustrating how I was cut off amid our passionate moment, but I really did understand what Jaejoong was feeling. Plus, he confessed his love to me. Love. I found myself lost in Jaejoong’s eyes more often than not, and had caught him in the same way quite a lot of times too. We smiled and blushed like idiots quite a lot too. I’ve had my handful of whacks by Changmin’s hand thanks to that.

But as I was saying, I was on my way back home on my own, since Jaejoong’s classes ended later, when Yoochun walked right in front of me, with a serious expression on his face.

“Yoochun! Where have you been hiding this days, man?”
“Hyung, can we talk?” I didn’t like that intonation. I had never seen Yoochun as serious as he was then.
“Sure. Want to come to my place?”
“Please.”

I tried to talk to him on the way, but his answers where short and lifeless, and he didn’t even look at me. It was nerve-wrecking; the loud and crazy Yoochun reduced to this? Something really wrong was happening.

I offered him something to drink as soon as we arrived, and he just asked for water. A couple of minutes later, I was sitting at the armchair in front of him, water glasses on the coffee table in the middle of us. Long silent seconds stretched into minutes, and I was practically biting my nails when he suddenly sighed deeply, and looked at me.

“Do you also remember it all, right, hyung?” He started.
“Eh, well, kind of yes?”
“Kind of?”
“It’s long to explain, so let’s say yes.” I wanted him letting whatever was bugging him out, we could talk about me later.
“...ok. So we all remember now.” I thought for a couple of seconds. Yes, sure, he remembered, and Jaejoong, and Changmin, and supposedly me too... and then it hit me.
“Junsu too?” I saw Yoochun’s face shrink in a grimace.
“Junsu too...,”
“Where is he? He was away on some trip, right? Is he back? Is he ok?” I saw Jaejoong and Changmin suffering the headaches and all that, so I could imagine Junsu going through the same.
“...damn.” He covered his eyes with a hand, and lowered his head until I could only see the crown of his it. “I’m so sorry hyung, so sorry...,”
“What? why?” I stood up and sat next to him, a hand on his shoulder trying to show some support.
“I’m... I’ve been lying. To you. To everybody.” I felt him shaking, and I was frozen when I understood he was crying.
“Yoochun, calm down man,” I gave him the water glass, and he drank nervously “What’s happening?” I put the glass back on the table once he finished drinking. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and stood in silence for some seconds. Then, he started talking.
“I didn’t remember anything, I lied.”
“Oh. Oh well, it’s not that important, I’m sure...,”
“I mean that I never forgot, to begin with.” He looked at me for a second, with cold eyes, and my heart missed one beat.
“... what do you mean?”
“I’ve always known about us. About what they did to us, about our childhood. Always. I’ve never forgotten.” To said I was mind-blown is an understatement.
“How...,” I couldn’t even process what to say.
“They didn’t do anything to me, to my head. When they captured me I lost consciousness, and then I woke up and I was back at the labs, and you all were unconscious and tied to beds... damn,” He ran his fingers through his hair in a shaky way, and sighed. “It’s too long to explain... but that’s the thing, they never touched my memories.”
“Why? Why did they mess with ours and kept yours... wait, more important, what happened then? Why are we all here, out in the world and free, why did they let us go? Did they really let us go?” My heart was going to explode in my chest, and my head was spinning at a high speed with all the things I needed to ask. I wished Jaejoong and Changmin were there too. They were the ones really remembering, after all.
“Let me explain, please,” He grabbed the glass and drank again. I could physically feel his nerves running through his system. “Ok, so... as I told I woke up and you were all there, unconscious... I’ll resume, because this is too long. I kicked and yelled and cried for them to let you go, but it was impossible. They wanted all of you too much. Jaejoong on top of all, as you know.”
“Yeah, I know.” I clenched my fists, swearing I would never let anybody touch Jaejoong again.
“I don’t know how things exactly were, but when they tried to put me to sleep too, something went wrong, so I stood there, locked in a room... I don’t know how much time passed, but one day those fuckers came and pulled me back to the labs. And then they made the deal...,” His eyes rose to find mine, and I saw guilt in there.
“What deal, Chun?”
“... you see, you know they wanted us because our organs and blood were healthy in a way none other is nowadays. We have genetics like the humankind had before the Big Change, and they wanted to clone our organs... well, you know all that already” I nodded, even if I didn’t knew it that well, since Jaejoong and Changmin didn’t explain it all with detail. Still, I more or less knew. “The thing is, they discovered out something that actually is pretty logical: our organs were young. They weren’t developed enough to work in an adult body. At first they thought it was ok, they could operate children and transplant our cloned organs so they already would grow up healthy. But then they did calculations or whatever, and they discovered that without the whole genetic code of a mature organ, most probably the bodies would reject the transplanted pieces when becoming adult, since the organ wouldn’t have ‘learned’ how to act in an adult body, don’t know if that makes sense to you...,” Yoochun stopped and drank some water again. He never looked at my eyes.
“So the deal...?”
“...the deal. They couldn’t put me to sleep, somehow. And they had to let you grow up for you all to be completely useful... gods, this is so difficult.”
“Goddamn Yoochun, spill it!”
“I am here to watch you!” Yelling, face red and in a desperate grimace, he looked at me.
“W-what?”
“I am here to watch you. To not let any of you escape. To have an eye on you so you grow up happy, healthy. To check you are all ok until they come to pick you all up and bring you back to the fucking labs” Big tears were running down Yoochun’s now pale face. I couldn’t even say a word, my eyes on him, disbelieving. “Me, and your fake families, we all are here to ‘control’ you. I am so sorry, I am so sorry hyung...,” He continued crying, now hiding his face between his hands. I didn’t know if I had to comfort him. I didn’t know if I had to say anything. I didn’t know what to think or do, so I just stood there, looking at him. Lost. “Since they couldn’t erase my memories, they decided to simply kill me...,” His words were broken between drowned sobs “But then someone thought I would be a good watch-dog, since I cared about you all. And I didn’t want to, I didn’t, I swear!” He looked at me again, desperation in his eyes “But then they took you all away, and I was going to be alone, or dead... I didn’t want to die,” His hands clasped together, nervously moving his thumbs one against the other. “So I accepted, and stood around you all. I saw how a couple paid by those bastards adopted you and Changmin, how somehow when you both woke up believed it all and continued living with normalcy. How Junsu was adopted by his current family in the same way, and more or less acted like you both. How Jaejoong took longer to wake up...”
“I saw how you all met again, and became friends again. And I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to die... I just accepted, and they gave me a life, a story, and I could be with you all again. I just had to take care of you, it couldn’t be that wrong, right? We could all live together again, and happy. And we did, right? We did!” He turned and grabbed my shoulders, probably seeking my understanding. I didn’t know how to give it to him, really. He swallowed with difficulty, and let me go.
“Yoochun, I don’t know what to say...,”
“I just wanted us to be together...”
“But... all those times you talked about conspiracies and...,” That just occurred to me, finding no sense in anything.
“You now see I have my reasons to believe the world is full of lies and conspiracies...” He smiled sadly, more like a grimace of pain. “I just wanted us to be normal... and be happy...,” His voice was broken, tears kept falling. “But it’s too late now...,”
“W-what, what do you mean?” Yoochun raised his eyes to mine, and I felt a shiver running through my arms. Cold, desperate eyes. As if he had already given up on his life. It was heartbreaking.
“They have Junsu,” Air ceased entering into my lungs for some seconds. “His family somehow knew Junsu remembered it all, and they’ve taken him.”

A loud noise made us both turn towards our right, and there we saw Changmin and Jaejoong. Changmin’s face was pale, shocked. Jaejoong was pale too while his hand was covering his trembling lips. A couple of books were lying on their feet, surely the source of the noise.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Chun?” And with the venom in Changmin’s voice it became clear. Our lives, as we had known them until then, were completely over.

No way back anymore.

PART 3
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