Song of Autumn (1/4)

[spokes_man]

Title: Song of Autumn
Author & Illustrator: shigai
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: AU, drama, romance
Length: oneshot (divided in parts cause it's too big)
Rating: R
Warning: some bloody affairs... There are illustrations too, but nothing rated.
Word count: 34.190

a/n: This was my entry for dbsk-bigbang this year. It was already posted there, but sadly that community looks quite dead, and the entries are being uploaded so slowly. I decided to just share it here with the fanart at its original place ;) Hope you like it! (still, go and check the entries at that comm! There are more works to see!)





Song of Autumn

Ah! laissez-moi, mon front posé sur vos genoux,

Goûter, en regrettant l'été blanc et torride,

De l'arrière-saison le rayon jaune et doux!

Charles Baudelaire - Les fleurs du mal

It all started with a headache, and then I wasn’t who I used to be anymore.

Kim Jaejoong, 2nd year student of the University of Lionsgate at the Capital of the Pan-Asian sector. 24 years old, orphan.

That was the basic info needed and what I normally had to say to introduce myself. And I did it proudly! Not everyone could say they were attending one of the most influential universities on the planet, specially not an orphan. In 2109 orphans were not well liked by mostly everyone, so why was I different? Because I, unlike the rest, had a surname, and an important one at that.

From what I have heard it seems like my parents were high ranked in the government, or something like that. I can’t be sure since I, myself, was also part of the accident my parents died on and lost every memory of my life previous to it whatsoever. Ugly, right? Not really. If everyone I cared for in my childhood were dead I would rather not remember them; less painful, you know.

So yes, as I was saying; since my parents were valuable for the govern, the authorities let me continue living with my surname and attend university, living in my own place and not being strangled by the rent. A luxury compared to other orphans, who are forbidden to even enter big cities or denied the chance to study at all. Weird, but that was how things worked, and how we were raised to think.

I remember my first headache. I was with my two best friends at the campus coffee shop. Yoochun with his really short black hair and his books and pens, sitting in front of me, sipping coffee and talking about the ‘recent’ history, as he normally did. Yunho, with his deep brown stylishly-cut hair was sitting next to me, iced coffee with a straw on, legs crossed, and his free hand idly playing with the ring I always wear at the index finger.

“No, really, it is weird that there’s absolutely nothing left, no records, no memories...” Yoochun was saying while stirring his black coffee with a silver spoon.
“It is not weird at all, Chun” Yunho answered, rolling my ring non-stop.
“I know, I know, but it still seems fishy...,” the plump lipped man answered, frustration coloring his words.
“C’mon man!,” I raised my eyes to look at him. “Always with your conspiracy theories. It’s so simple! Planet went nuts, there were millions of natural disasters one after the other, and it all disappeared. It isn’t something so difficult to understand, right?”
“I know, Jae, but... humans survived! We wouldn’t be here if not, right?” Yoochun leaned a little towards us, who were quite bored already with his nonsense.
“So what?” I answered tiredly.
“So their memory survived with them! Why don’t we know anything about before the Big Change? How life was, how everything worked, how...”
“Yoochun, really...,” Yunho sighed and stopped playing with the ring, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms over his chest “it’s obvious no material stuff could be saved, we do know the world changed and entire continents disappeared, we did find some old maps, right?”
“Yes...,”
“So, if material stuff, archives, databases, whatever, couldn’t be saved, over the years the people who knew the truth kept dying, so it’s quite obvious memories were lost, right? Plus, you know human brain stops functioning properly pretty early...,” before Yunho could continue his speech, Yoochun threw his arms to the air, exasperatedly.
“Agh, ok ok, I get you. Why can’t you both just let me enjoy this conspiracy theories?”
“Cause you’re mental, man,” I said with a smirk, while Yunho chuckled next to me, grabbing my hand again and resuming the turning of the silver band on my finger. “Things are already fucked up with the world for you to add governmental schemes”




And it was, fucked up. The world, I mean.

It was difficult to know exactly what happened or when. There wasn’t any good source of data from before the Big Change. We just knew it happened, the Big Change: a series of natural disasters that supposedly started at the beginning of the millennium, and practically destroyed the whole earth. Thanks to some maps and calendars that survived those catastrophes, we knew the geography was completely modified, and in which year we were living, but nothing more.

From time to time, some of those natural disasters still happened. Earthquakes, Volcanoes erupting, Tornadoes, floods... Mankind didn’t have it easy at all.

But let’s go back to that fated day where everything started.

I was enjoying the company of my best friends, as I was saying. Well, maybe for accuracy I should say the company of my best friend, and my biggest crush ever. Yes, I was pretty deeply infatuated by Yunho. It’s difficult to explain. He was the first person I met when I recovered from the accident, the first person I had contact with when I got my ‘empty brain’ working again. Yunho was at the hospital that time, visiting his younger brother, or that’s what he told me. I just remember opening my eyes, disoriented, and finding someone peering at me from behind the half closed door.

“Who are you?” I asked from the hospital bed. The boy at the door, Yunho, jumped a little, but after two seconds stepped inside the room, and walked towards the bed.
“Why are you blond? You... oh! You have weird eyes too! Turquoise? Why? Aren’t you asian?” Yunho asked excitedly.
“Am I... what? Am I blond?” I touched my hair, as if I could recognize my hair color like that.
“Yes?,” Yunho snorted. “Don’t you know your own hair color? You’re weird...” I frowned at him, then looked around, confused and quite scared at not recognizing anything.
“Where am I?”
“Duh, hospital? What’s wrong with you, is your brain not working?”
“I don’t... I don’t remember... do I know you? Where...,” I quickly sat up and panicking looked all around, trying to think, to find something that I could recognize, some logic. Finding nothing, I could feel my throat closing painfully.
“Hey hey, calm down boy,” Yunho sat down next to the me, putting a hand on my shoulder “You lost your memories?”
“I don’t... know?” I looked in alarm to him, who was biting his lip.
“Well, fuck.” Yunho seemed lost, while I started crying silently. “Hey hey, don’t cry!” Grabbing my hands, he smiled “All will be ok, you’ll see. Someone will come soon and explain everything to you, ok?”

But nobody came. Just doctors and nurses, explaining all about the accident and the memory loss. Yunho was there all the time, holding my hand, patting my shoulder, wiping my tears with the sleeve of his sweater. When it was clear I was alone in the world, Yunho introduced himself to me, big bright crooked smile on his face, and grabbing my hands told those words: I am the first person in your life now, and I’ll be here forever to become not only the first, but the most important one. It sounded so stupid at that time, probably something he heard on some movie or book? Some childish words he thought would calm me, to sound mightier than he really was.

But he did. He became my most important one, stealing my heart day after day until I can’t imagine even breathing without him beside me.

We were in this weird relationship, where we were closer than best friends, but not more than that either. It was as if none of us were really sure if it was safe to give the next step or not, so we just stayed there, in the safety of the closest of friendships, longing for some signal to move forwards or not.

But I just wandered around again, so let me continue explaining how it all happened.

“Damn, I have a class in ten minutes,” Yoochun sat up, grabbed his notebooks and pens, threw them inside his bag randomly, and waving frantically ran out of the cafe, making us laugh.
“He will never change,” Yunho snorted, crossing his arms over the table and leaning on them, looking sideways towards me.
“I hope he does not, he fills my life with amusement,” leaning back on the chair, letting my arms hang loosely at my sides. Yunho smiled and extended one hand, and I felt him caressing the naked skin of my right forearm with his thumb.
“We’re lucky with our friends, aren’t we?”
“Talk for yourself, Jung,” I snorted “I am surrounded by people of less caliber than me... like this tall dark haired man, who’s been annoying me since ages ago already...,” a smirk on my face while feigning despair, I looked sideways to Yunho, who was smiling widely.
“Shut up, Joongie, that’s an old joke already,” He slapped the forearm that was being caressed seconds ago, making me hiss in pain “we all know you cannot live without us. Even less without me” Yunho smirked proudly, making me snort again.
“You cocky bastard” Smiling fondly, I slapped Yunho’s forehead, who only laughed covering himself. “But how right you are” The laughing stopped, but bright smiles met when we looked at each other’s eyes. Those were the moments when the ‘bestest of friends’ line was the blurriest, when only one of us leaning forward would mean the world. But the moment didn’t last long, since I had to close my eyes sharply, gritting my teeth, groaning in pain.
“Jaejoong?,” Yunho leaned forward concerned, resting a hand on my shoulder “what’s up?”
“Head...” Shutting my eyes even more firmly, grabbing my head with my hands, I remember leaning towards the table.

And all went black.

It was the most horrible pain I had ever felt. Rather, the most horrible pain I could remember, but somehow both ways it meant the same. I can’t describe it, since I don’t know what to compare it to, but it made me feel dizzy and nauseated. Tears of pain reached my eyes and I thought I could go crazy if that pain continued any longer. I couldn’t feel my body, just the sharp pain inside my head. It was probably only a couple of seconds, but it felt like a lifetime.

Well, resuming, it was such a horrible pain that I lost consciousness. And here the weird stuff starts.

I woke up, alone, in the middle of nowhere. Literally. There was nothing around me, just darkness. I called for Yunho, but nobody answered. I moved forward a few steps, clumsily not knowing what was nearby, but the darkness was too thick and frightening, so I just stood there.

When I calmed down a little, I heard a beeping noise. Turning towards the source, I saw a small light, blinking. I walked towards it, and when I was getting closer, I suddenly found myself inside a well lit room. For a couple of seconds I couldn’t see, blinded by the clarity, but I could hear people talking. Voices I couldn’t recognize, voices pretty close to me. When sight returned, I saw them. Three men dressed in uniforms, similar to those I knew from the army protecting our cities, were talking between themselves. A couple more of older men with white coats were examining something, papers seemingly, at a table.

Frightened by it all, I called them, asked them who they were and where I was, but nobody answered. In fact, it seemed like they didn’t even notice I was there. I walked towards the military, talked to them, and even touched them. They didn’t even blink. Terrified, I tried to calm down and listen to what they were talking.

“But he doesn’t want to cooperate!” One of the military men was practically yelling.
“Then we will have to force him, don’t we?” The one in the middle answered, more calmly.
“We won’t have the same results if he doesn’t do it willingly” One of the older men in white coat walked to the military and gave them some papers “Conscious mind plays a really important role in the well functioning of the organs”
“But what are our options? He refuses strongly”
“It’s all the other kids fault...,” The third military entered the conversation. “If we just killed them all, he would finally agree”
“But they are all valuable for us!” The old man looked scandalized.
“Sure they are, but this one here is the definitive one, right? So if things come to that, we can kill the others” The third military answered.
“Well, yes, we could sacrifice some of them for the greater good, but...,” The old man didn’t look convinced at all.
“Let’s try to avoid it, but if our little Joongie here keeps on being stubborn, we will have to act”

Chilled down to my bones, I looked at them wildly. I thought they were talking about me, but that couldn’t be, they couldn’t even see me right in front of their noses. That was when I noticed the other old man, hovering over a bed. Looking carefully, I saw a small body lying there, a child, probably. Walking towards it, still hearing the others talking about convincing this kid or killing those others, I finally saw who was lying in the bed.

It was me. A younger me. A kid me. Blond, pale, red lips and all included.




The horrible stinging headache came back, and this time, I threw up before fainting, again.

“Jaejoong!!” Opening my eyes I saw Yunho hovering over me. “You’re awake!”
“What... happened?” I tried to sit up, but felt light-headed, and laid down again.
“Don’t move Jae, wait until the nurse comes,” Yunho’s hand was caressing my forehead while I had my eyes closed.
“What happened, Yun?” Opening them slowly now, I looked at the worried face of my best friend.
“Don’t know, it seems you suffered some pain, and fainted. I carried you here. You scared the shit out of me,” The dark haired man whispered, thumb caressing my fringe, while I closed my eyes again enjoying the soft ministrations offered to my skin and hair.
“I’m sorry,”
“Don’t be. Do you feel better now?” Yunho continued talking in whispers, as if to not disturb my rest.
“Yeah... It was just a horrible headache,”
“My poor blondie. Is it gone now?” The sweet tone used by Yunho made me smile faintly.
“Yes, it is gone now, my sweet brunette.” Yunho snorted, and continued caressing my face.

The nurse came a couple of minutes later, checking on me and declaring me in good health again. He gave me a couple of strong painkillers, in case the pain appeared again, and recommended to have a check in the hospital from time to time. That comment worried Yunho deeply, but I didn’t think much about it. Carefully, Yunho helped me up, and grabbing my things, he walked me back to my student flat, close to the main university building.

The walk was mainly made in silence, with Yunho asking from time to time if I was feeling ok, and leading me grabbing my hand. Once at my place, Yunho offered himself to stay the night, just in case. Of course, I accepted. The presence of the taller man was always welcomed, and after all, I was still pretty scared out by the experience. After we had something for dinner, and were lazing at the couch, watching some TV, I decided to share the experience.

“Yunho?,”
“Yeah?” The dark brown haired man, who was laying down, resting his head at the couch’s arm and his feet all over my legs, sat up expectantly “you ok? need something?”
“I’m fine, I just... something weird happened when I fainted”
“What happened?” Yunho sat closer, putting a hand around my shoulders encouragingly.
“I had a... dream? Something like that. And it was kind of disturbing,”
“Tell me,”
“I was in a weird room with a weird beeping noise and a lot of military and, there were two old men, two really old men, Yunho!” Our gazes met. “Like the few we see on TV, with white hair and all!” Yunho’s eyes opened widely. Old people were something completely rare to see, there were just a couple who survived longer than the normal forty-something years the majority of humans used to live. It was weird to dream about white haired men when you didn’t see them in daily life. “And they were talking about some kids, who didn’t want to do something, and they were saying they would kill them if they didn’t agree, and then there was a child me lying on a bed...” I was getting worked up, but I felt Yunho caressing my back soothingly.
“A child you?,”
“Yes. It was me, my face, my lips, my blond hair... it was me. For sure. And they were talking about me not wanting to help, they even called me ‘Joongie’” Meeting Yunho’s eyes I could see the same confusion I felt reflected on them.
“That’s a weird dream... maybe the Joongie you heard was me calling you? I did call you a few times...,” Yunho kept on caressing my back.
“Yeah, that actually makes sense... but all the rest? It’s pretty creepy, don’t you think?”
“I think you have a pretty wild imagination, Joongie” Yunho smiled. “Amazing the things you can come up with when your unconscious mind rules over you” That made me chuckle.
“Yes, seems I do think crazy stuff,”
“Yep. You shouldn’t think more about it, and just rest. Headaches aren’t good, and you’re still too young to start suffering them,” The concern in his voice made me smile warmly at him.
“Don’t worry, Yun. I feel healthy and lively,”
“You better! We still have a lot of years to enjoy together ahead of us” Yunho winked, and I chuckled, louder now.

That night, we fell asleep together at the couch. Yunho made the weird feeling in me disappear, making me smile and laugh and feel warm inside, as only he could do.

I forgot all about the headache, and the weird dream, and the bad feeling for some days. Weeks. Until it happened again.

I was at my place, alone, reviewing some stuff I needed for class. Since some weeks had passed since that first headache, I practically had forgotten all about it. That’s why I didn’t think anything important when a mild pounding started in my head. I just thought it was due to have been reading all day long. The pain increased, so I closed the book and walked towards my bed, all intend on lying down for a while and closing my eyes to rest, but halfway there, the pain became unbearable, just like that last time.

Before I could get even scared, I fainted again. And again, I woke up alone surrounded by pitch black air. Gulping down the knot on my throat, I started walking, strangely sure that I would see the old men and the military and the same room again.

In the room part I was right. But there was nobody around, not even the child version of me lying on the bed. I heard some muffled voices and the same beeping noise from the other time coming from the back of the room, and there I saw the old men in the white coats hovering over something. I walked towards them, terrified let me add, and started to understand what they were talking about so lowly.

“It’s much better than what we thought! The results are splendid,” The taller, and seemingly older one was telling excitedly.
“Yes, who would have thought we would find something like this...,” The other answered in awe.

I walked forwards, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever they were looking at so transfixed, when I saw it. I think for a couple of seconds my whole system didn’t function. I can swear I didn’t breathe, at least, and my blood ran cold. There, lying in some kind of hospital weird bed, was me, the child me, with a huge incision opening part of my abdomen, and a lot of surgical stuff and wires getting inside me. I remember I put my hands over my own abdomen instinctively, and felt the urge to throw up.

The older man put a hand on the child-me body, and inserted some of his fingers with some kind of cutting instrument in it. The retching was unstoppable, even more when said man cut a tiny piece of some organ I cannot name and examined it outside of my body with sparkling eyes.

Some banging started then, startling the old men and me, even in my chaotic state of mind. I looked up and saw some huge windows looking out to a corridor and outside there were a group of kids. Their faces were a blur, but one of them was banging on the crystal, and yelling. The yelling was difficult to understand, but the old men seemed pretty annoyed about it.

“Fucking brats... if they weren’t necessary for all this, I swear I would kill them all,” The oldest one said, gritting his teeth.
“We still need them, at least for a while. Maybe with Joongie here we will have more than enough?” They smirked, and a horrible shiver crossed my body. Looking back to the windows, I thought the kid banging the crystal looked familiar. Walking slowly towards him, one hand holding my stomach as I really felt like throwing up and losing consciousness at any second, I kept looking at him, transfixed. The kid was becoming less blurry, and his features started to became familiar. Recognizable. I gasped.

It was Yoochun. And he was crying.

“He didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, let him go!!” I could perfectly hear his words now. Paralyzed and lost at what was happening, a sudden rush and feeling of vertigo made me dizzy.

All was black again, and I fell on my knees, breathing shallowly. I felt tears prickling in my eyes, and I didn’t even know why I should cry, since I couldn’t really point what I was feeling. Confusion? Fear? Loathe? I suddenly heard children laughing, and looking around I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an open field.

Green grass and warm sun all around me. A weird looking building in the background, and cries of joy and laugh from children coming from everywhere. I saw the kids running and playing at catching each others, I saw others rolling on the grass, I saw others picking grass blades and rocks. I was frowning for sure, absolutely lost with the dream, when I thought I saw a blond head running in the distance.

Standing up and walking hurriedly there, thinking that had to be the child-me again but finally awake and out of that horrible room, I felt my heart beating strongly. Then I saw the child-me, back facing me, head turning from one side to the other as if looking for something.

“Jaejoongie, here!” Someone yelled behind me. Some really familiar voice, that made my heart ache in a weird way. I turned and saw the figure of a boy, a little taller than the child version of me, black haired, tanned skin. I couldn’t see his face; it was blurred like with the other kids before. I turned and saw the child-me turning around, and no doubt that was me. That was my face, my eyes. My smile, since I was smiling widely to the unknown black haired kid. The child me opened his mouth and yelled something. The name of the kid, I suppose, and started running towards him.

But as soon as the yell left the kid-me lips, the striking headache started again. Couldn’t hear what name it was, couldn’t see anything else. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again I was on the floor of my room, tears in my eyes and hands holding my head. I sat up, the pain was over. And yes, I was in my room, ‘back’. I cried, not really knowing why, but scared to my bones. I cried and shivered replaying the horrible things I saw. Was I going crazy? What were those dreams? Why so horrible? Why was there Yoochun?

Trembling, I stood up, grabbed my mobile phone and dialed Yunho. I really needed him, his support, his strength, his warmth. He sounded frantic on the phone when he heard me half crying, and in less than 10 minutes he appeared at my doorstep, hugging me.

Between his arms, sitting at the couch, I explained everything about the ‘dream’. He listened silently, caressing my back, my arms. I felt safe, but there was a cold bad feeling running through my skin. The visions had been horrible, and I started to truly believe there was something awfully wrong in my head. Yunho insisted that there was nothing wrong with me or my head, but I could hear the tinge of fear in his voice. Grabbing his hand and squeezing it, I thought about it, again and again, after I arrived to one conclusion. I had to talk to Yoochun.

“Been searching for you all day long, Chun!” I yelled to the black haired guy who was sitting outside, under the shadow of a tree.
“Hyung!,” Smiling, Yoochun motioned for me to sit next to him “What do you need me for? Can I help you?”
“Well, you see...,” Sitting next to him, looking at the tree hovering over us, while thinking how to approach with such a difficult topic “I’ve been having some weird problems lately”
“The headaches? Yeah, Yunho told me all about it. Is it not getting better?” He talked with concern in his voice and in his eyes.
“Hmm I wonder. It only happened a couple of times, so I don’t know if it’s something to get worried about or not...,”
“You should go and get checked, hyung, just in case...,”
“I know, I will... the thing is, well, I wanted to ask you something,” Biting nervously my lower lip, I turned to look directly to his eyes.
“What is it?” There was curiosity now mixed with the concern in Yoochun’s gaze.
“Well, have you... don’t know, experienced something weird lately?”
“Weird? What do you mean?”
“Like, don’t know, headaches?”
“No. Why do you ask me this, hyung? I’ve only heard of you suffering from headaches, and really, if you’re concerned about why it’s happening to you, you should totally go to the doctor and...,”
“Yoochun, I’m having weird dreams, and I’ve seen you in those dreams,” I looked seriously at Yoochun, who stopped talking and simply looked bewildered.
“Hyung!! I am flattered, but this is too weird! You’re really hot and good looking, but I am hardly interested in you!! Plus, someone would kill me, and I don’t want to di-,”
“No, idiot, I didn’t mean it that way!!” Groaning and blushing, I slapped his shoulder; he just snickered and rubbed it.
“You sure? It sounded like it, and I know I’m pretty hot myself...,” Yoochun arched his eyebrows and smiled lewdly. It made me snort.
“You are an idiot. Who would be interested in a paranoid like you?”
“Lots of people!! You should see the contact list in my phone. Wanna watch it?” Yoochun made a move to grab his bag, but I stopped him.
“I believe you, no need to show me. World is full of mysteries like that, after all,” I sighed, and Yoochun smiled triumphantly. “But seriously now, nothing weird happening?”
“Nope, nothing at all”
“Do you... hmm... know something I don’t? And before you answer anything idiotic again, I mean something important, like dunno, do we know each other from long ago?”
“The hell, hyung? Those headaches are rotting your mind. We met when we were sixteen, you forgot?”
“No, I didn’t forget, it’s just... the dream...,” Looking anywhere else, I bit my lower lip again, nervous and confused.
“Dreams are weird stuff hyung. Trust your memories better than dreams, don’t you think?” Yoochun put a friendly arm around my shoulders.
“Yeah... sure.” and even if I knew that my friend was right, something kept bugging on my mind.

For some time, it all was kind of ok. Headaches didn’t happen anymore, and I started to forget all about the weird dreams. I treated them like horrible nightmares, and that was it.

All my friends insisted on me visiting the doctor, so I finally agreed to it. Yunho came with me, and all in all it was a pretty routinely visit. My doctor, a middle-aged man who had treated me for my whole life (or at least all the life I could remember), told me I was completely healthy, and my headaches could be due to the weather, my studies, or even my eating habits. I never was a person who ate healthy or took care of it, so I saw some sense in there. So with nothing more than some strong painkillers and a promise to call him right away if it happened again, Yunho and I left the doctor’s place in pretty good spirits.

For the next days, Yunho took care of me and my food almost obsessively. It seems my headaches scared him more than I thought, and I felt really bad about it. I know I felt pretty healthy in general and never was a sick person, but in those days when lifespan was so short for humankind and sickness was walking hand in hand with everybody since early years, it was normal for him to get worried with someone who survived a huge car accident and was having head problems suddenly. It really sounded like all those stories you heard everybody talking about: organs failing suddenly, people deteriorating from one day to the other, people dying too young... I was really hoping that was not my case, though.

Weeks passed, and Yunho and everybody else seemed to calm down finally. Yunho and I were walking to my place after a long day; classes were a pain in the ass, and it was warm and sultry weather, so we were pretty much dead when we finally made it to my flat, and threw ourselves on the couch. Yunho grabbed the TV remote and turned it on. There was some news program talking about some famous singer or actress or whatever who recently died at the age of forty-one. I cringed and rubbed my head. Sometimes I still felt weird and couldn’t stop myself from thinking ‘what if’s.

“Jae? Does it hurt again?” I turned my head to look at Yunho and saw a scared expression on his face, while he was leaning towards me.
“Eh? No no, I was just scratching it.”
“You’re not lying to me, are you? If it hurts, tell me!” He grabbed my shoulder and leaned even closer, his face only centimeters away from mine, while looking deeply in my eyes, checking if I was lying. Poor thing, I made him so insecure.
“I am not lying Yun, really,” I smiled tenderly, seriously touched about his concern. “I feel fine.” Yunho stood in silence for some seconds, still looking directly to my eyes, and I suppose he saw I was telling the truth, since he sighed and turned his eyes away from me.
“Ok, sorry, I just...,” I put my hand over his at my shoulder, grabbed it and squeezed it.
“I know, and I’m grateful. But really, if I feel bad again, I will seek your help, promise!” Yunho looked at me and smiled, that gorgeous bright smile of his. It made me smile too, always.
“Good! Now, let’s grab something to eat?” It was a question, but before I could answer he was already standing and walking to my kitchen.

I remember sighing. It was on moments like that one when I seriously felt like I should tell Yunho everything, all the feelings I kept inside for so much years. Moments like that made me feel it would be ok, and he would answer the way I wanted him to answer. I kind of felt it, I was not blind, and I knew Yunho treated me like something more than a friend. But, romantic feelings? I wasn’t sure. And then, I stopped time and time again about telling him anything, not wanting to ruin the relationship we had, always thinking ‘maybe someday, maybe in the near future, maybe next time’.

Yunho came back with some beans and meat, and I congratulated him on his cooking skills. We ate while watching some random movie, commenting on everything and laughing together with all the jokes. I truly felt grateful to have him in my life.

I was cleaning the dishes and I still could hear Yunho chuckling about whatever there was on TV at that moment. Smiling to myself, I didn’t notice him approaching from behind, and suddenly hugging my waist. I almost yelled, and he just laughed.

“Idiot, don’t scare me like that!”
“Not my fault, I wasn’t even silent coming here. You were too deep inside your world, it seems,” I had to agree, I was too immersed in my own thoughts. About him, nonetheless. “Do you need help?”
“Nah, I’m almost finished,” I leaned back on him while I scrubbed on a glass. His arms tightened around me.
“Do I bother you if I stay here like this?” His voice was almost a whisper, and I prayed he couldn’t feel my shivering.
“Not at all,”
“Good.”

For a while we stayed like that, me scrubbing and rinsing plates and pans, and he hugging me from behind, his chin on my left shoulder, checking on my work. Couldn’t really tell if it was bliss or torture.

“Hmm, Jae?” His voice broke the comfortable silence we were in.
“Yes?”
“I think... I think I want to tell you something,” His voice sounded weird. I finished rinsing the glass in my hands, dried them in a rag next to the sink, and turned in his arms to look at his face. He wasn’t looking at me, and was biting his lower lip.
“What is it?” He let me go and took a step back, still not looking at me, still biting his lip. He looked... scared? Nervous? It made me pretty damn nervous too.
“Well, you see... this is kind of difficult... I’ve wanted to do it for a while, well, since forever actually, but, I just... lacked courage?” He raised his eyes for one second and looked at me, then hurriedly looked elsewhere again. He was really making me nervous, scared now.
“Spill it, Yunho, you’re scaring me here,” I took a step towards him, but he took another one backwards. Ok, I didn’t like that one bit.




“Ok,” He breathed deeply, but still didn’t look at my eyes at all “Since always, since the first day we met, I’ve... well, I’ve had these feelings. For you, I mean. What I’m saying is... gods, why is it so difficult?” He passed a hand through his hair, and kept on avoiding looking at me, but something changed. He was blushing then.
“Oh my god...,” I felt my breath stopping. Was that it? Was Yunho going to tell me what I’ve been wanting to tell him for ages? As if high on fuel, my heart started pounding in my chest. “Yunho, you…,”
“I...,” he raised his face then, and looked at my eyes directly. And I saw it. Clearly. No need for him to tell me anything anymore, because I saw it in his eyes, all he wanted to tell me, all the feelings he wanted to put in words. I felt like I could cry at any moment. “I like you, Jaejoong. I’ve always liked you”. I bit my lip, breathed deeply, and smiled weirdly, since basically I felt like crying in joy at any second.
“Yun...,” I took a step towards him, who was looking at me with shining eyes. Grabbing his hand, a splitting smile on my face, I was trying to put in words everything running in my head at that moment, how I liked him too, loved him even, since always. How grateful I was. How happy I was. But I couldn’t say any word.

The most horrible pain started in my head. I squeezed Yunho’s hand, tears instantly coming to my eyes due to the mind-breaking pain. Gasping, I fell to my knees. I saw him kneeling next to me, grabbing me, talking to me. But I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t almost see, my vision going blurry. I think I called his name, or at least I tried to. And then I fainted again.

When I opened my eyes again I was surrounded by that same darkness from all the past dreams. I felt goosebumps and my throat burning. Why this again? Why after so much time without suffering this, it had to happen precisely at that moment? I thought of Yunho, I thought of his confession. Groaning and closing my eyes tightly I cursed everything I could inside my head.

When I opened my eyes again, I could see stars over me. I stood up and saw I was in the middle of a field, at night. I saw the same weird looking building in the far away background, with windows lit on every floor. I decided to walk in that direction, thinking how this couldn’t be a coincidence, and surer this time that I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating. I heard some noises far away, seemingly coming from the direction of that building. As I walked closer to it, I heard the noises louder, clearer.

Yells. Children yelling. Children crying. Weird bangs.

I hurried my steps, until I heard something else. Steps, running steps coming closer to where I was. I stopped on my tracks when I saw them; a group of four children were running towards me, breathless.

“Wait, wait one second!!” One of them whispered nervously, grabbing another one by the arm. I couldn’t see them well in the darkness, so I walked closer to where they stopped suddenly.
“What, we cannot wait!! We need to hurry!!” The boy who was grabbed by the arm answered.
“But, we lost some of us!! And...,”
“We cannot stop now!!!” Another kid answered. I was pretty close now, and I could almost see their faces clearly. “You’ve seen what they’ve done to them; you’ve seen how they’ve changed their minds. We can’t stay here or they will do the same to us, or even kill us!!” the kid who was talking now had an authoritarian tone. I could see he had black short hair, and was pretty tall. He gave me this weird vibe, and somehow I knew it was the same kid from the last dream. His face was still a blur, though.
“But Yoochun, he’s not here, he...,” The first kid who stopped them all continued. So it really was Yoochun the kid I saw last time.
“There’s nothing we can do now about it” The tallest of the three kids, the one who had his arm grabbed, told in a grave tone. Sounding too mature for how short they looked.
“Don’t say it like that!!” Another voice joined the kids, and I could see that was actually me. I shivered. The kid-me was crying, paler than normal, and had blood all over himself. Couldn’t tell if it was his-mine... whatever, or not. “How can you abandon Yoochun like that? He’s always helped us, he’s always...,”
“Joongie...,” The familiar kid grabbed the kid-me hand. I saw how the kid-me started sobbing silently, and how he clung to that hand, and it all seemed so familiar to me, so logical. Could it be? Could that kid be him? “Don’t cry Joongie, c’mon. We need to go now.”
“But how can we run away now? All of this is my fault!! If only I had accepted...,”
“Don’t say that!” All the kids somehow told similar things, denying with their heads. “You did nothing wrong, it was horrible what they wanted to do to you!!”
“But, Yu...,”

Before the kid-me could continue, shouts were heard and adults appeared running towards the children. I heard the kids shriek in fear, and saw how they started running. It was weird, because I wasn’t moving, but somehow I was following them in their run. I saw how the adults approached them, how the shorter of all the kids was crying, completely horrified. The tallest one was pulling on his hand, running desperately and crying too. Kid-me and the other brunette were in front of them. It was heartbreaking to see them so young, so defenseless, and running for their lives.

I heard a piercing noise, a loud bang-kind of noise, and I saw the smaller of the kids falling silently to the ground. The tallest one yelled and cried and pulled on the other’s hand, but the smallest one wasn’t moving. Gods, they shot him! I screamed in horror and moved towards the child lying on the ground, lifeless. I saw his blood flooding away from his body, and I covered my mouth. Goddamn they were shooting these kids!! I turned trying to look at the adults doing this, and only saw a group of military men screaming and shooting nonstop now. The tallest kid got shot on a shoulder, and fell down crying desperately. The familiar brunette stopped on his track and ran back towards the fallen tall kid.

“Min!! Minnie!! Nooo!!” Minnie? As in... Changmin? Changmin as in Yunho’s younger brother?? Oh gods I could feel my blood running cold. I walked with shaky steps towards them and yes, surely, the blur was gone and that kid on the floor had exactly the same features as Changmin, only in a younger version. I yelled in horror, watching the brunette helping Changmin to stand, pulling his arm, yelling him to continue running, while Changmin tried and cried in pain from the bullet wound on his shoulder. Oh my god what was this? Why was I watching this? Why was I living this nightmare?

More shots and I saw Changmin falling to the ground, and the other kid too. I saw the kid-me running to them and bawling, and suddenly I couldn’t hear anything else. I could hear my heartbeat, erratic and fast. I could hear my breath, shaking. But nothing else. I saw kid Changmin not moving, the brunette not moving, and the kid me crying over them. The military arrived then next to them, and pointed guns to the kid-me’s head.

“Jaejoong, come back with us.” I could hear their voices, but nothing else. Not the wind, or the crying, or anything else, just the voices.
“You killed them.” Kid-me answered, in a voice drowned in tears.
“We didn’t. Now come with us.”
“I’ll never!!”
“We’ll really kill them all, then. Do you want that? Do you want them all dying for you?”
“No!!”
“Then go back, now.” I saw the kid-me looking at the adults, and then looking at the kids lying on pools of blood. I think I was pretty much crying myself then.
“Ok...,”
“No, Jaejoong, don’t...,” I heard the voice of the familiar brunette. So he really wasn’t dead.
“Shut up, kid,” One of the military pointed his gun to the brunette’s head, and I saw kid-me jumping over the fallen kid, covering his body with his.
“Jaejoongie, please, run away now...,”
“I won’t. I will never go without you. Never, Yunnie.”

It was as if someone had punched me on the stomach. All the blurs were gone and I could see everything perfectly. Changmin, myself, and yes, my Yunho, shot and bleeding, lying on the floor. I took a step towards them and saw the other kid lying meters behind. I just needed some steps towards him to recognize him: Junsu. I fell on my knees and felt myself hyperventilating.

Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin, Yunho and myself. I saw them all in this weird dreams, child versions of them all. Somehow I was sure this wasn’t a dream. None of this had been a dream. My head started hurting, and I groaned and cried. I yelled for it all to stop, because I knew I would go crazy soon if things didn’t change. Why was this happening? Why was I seeing these things? If they weren’t dreams, what were them?

And then it happened. Like a missed beat from my heart. Like an abrupt idea. Suddenly, I remembered it all. Suddenly it all clicked inside me, and I knew. This weren’t dreams, this weren’t normal headaches.

These were my memories.

With a gasp I sat up and I found myself in my bed, in my room. I was ‘awake’ again. But this time, I was completely awake. For some seconds I stood frozen, remembering it all. Everything I saw was real, everything had happened. The weird building where they kept us all, the military who were everywhere all the time, the old men who studied us and used us for their experiments. The experiments... I stood up and ran to the toilette, barely making it on time to throw up. It was all real... When I calmed myself, I flushed the toilet and walked to the sink to rinse my mouth. Once done, I looked at the mirror. My blond hair, my weird turquoise eyes... I raised my t-shirt and looked at my skin on the mirror. All those scars that I always thought were due to the accident... now I knew where they came from. And the accident... there never was an accident. I couldn’t remember any parents at all; I just remember the weird building, and my friends there.

My friends... So we all grew up together. But then, why couldn’t we remember anything? Or was I the only one not remembering? Were they lying to me all this time?

I could feel a cold sweat running down my back when I thought about my friends lying, hiding things so important from me. But still, there were so much things that I didn’t remember, so much things I couldn’t understand. Why did they do those things to us? Why couldn’t I remember it until now? I sank down to the floor, and hugging my knees I started crying. I wasn’t a person who cried easily, in fact, before all this crap started I couldn’t remember crying even once, but now... now I was overwhelmed. I felt lost and scared. And lonely.

“Gods, Jaejoong!” I heard his voice and then I felt his arms around me. When his cologne reached my nostrils, I cried harder, and hugged him back. “What’s up? Why are you crying? Does it hurt again??” I rested my head in the crook of his neck, my arms around his shoulders searching for my personal safe place, and cried and cried there for a long time. With his hand caressing my back and my hair, and his soothing voice calming me, I couldn’t stop thinking ‘why, why me, why this’, and, on top of all ‘what do I do now?’

I didn’t know how to act anymore.

I left Jaejoong lying on the bed once he had calmed down and stopped crying. He had been clinging to me all the time, but didn’t utter a single word. He didn’t even look at my eyes. I felt myself going mad. What was happening to him? Why was it happening? I almost thought all this was over for some weeks. He seemed healthy again, and happy. Why did it have to happen again? And right after I finally got the guts to confess, on top of all...

I really didn’t know how to act around him now, or how to proceed. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the painkillers the doctor gave him, and went back to the room. He was laying, but awake, looking at the ceiling, with a lost gaze. It pained my heart seeing him so pale, so vulnerable. I walked slowly towards him.

“Jaejoong?” I saw him close his eyes, not looking at me or acknowledging my presence in any other way “Hmm, I’m leaving this here, ok? Maybe you should take one to prevent another headache from happening... I’ll call the doctor now, ok?” I was talking in whispers. I never felt so unsure on how to act in my whole life. There he was, one of the most important people for me, and I didn’t know how to help him, or how to face him. I was deadly scared of losing him too early.

Suddenly he opened his eyes and looked at me, sitting up and grabbing my wrist. He looked scared, and it scared me to see him like that.

“Don’t!! Don’t call the doctor, don’t call anybody!!”
“What? But, you had another attack and...,”
“Yunho, please, please don’t call him, please,” He seemed terrified, and it broke my heart to see such a strong person as he was in that state.
“...ok. Ok, I won’t call him yet,” He sighed, nodded his head, and let my wrist go. I watched him for a couple seconds, but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. “Hmm, do you need anything?,” I waited for some seconds. He didn’t answer at all. I sighed “Ok, I’ll be going home then? If you need me, you just have to call...,”
“You’re going??” Again he turned to me, distressed.
“Ah, yes?”
“Can you stay? Please? Don’t leave me alone,” He was biting his lower lip, and I couldn’t think of anything else than helping him and making him strong and healthy and happy again.
“Of course, of course, I’ll stay with you.” I sat down on the bed, not even sure if that was a welcomed thing, but not really caring that much. I was proved wrong as soon as Jaejoong sat closer to me, and rested his head on my shoulder.
“Thanks.” a strong relieve ran through my limbs, and I had to swallow before I could answer ‘you’re welcome’ to him.

We stood like that for a while, Jaejoong resting his head on my shoulder and me playing with the ring on his finger, as I always did. It was something that soothed me. Every time I had him close and desperate thoughts of how much I needed him filled my head, I distracted myself by playing with his silver ring. It was kind of intimate, something I knew only I did, and at the same time it was something ‘safe’, something that could pass as a friend’s thing. Of course it all changed then, since I had already confessed my feelings, or the ‘safe’ part of them, since what I felt for Jaejoong was way beyond liking by then... well, that didn’t matter at that time. I wasn’t even sure he would remember it at all.

“Yunho” I heard him groggily talking suddenly.
“Huh?”
“Do you remember your childhood?” I was taken aback by that. Of all the things I thought he would say first, that wasn’t one I would have betted on, for sure.
“What? Ehh... yes, sure?”
“Really? How was it?” He sounded weird, as if distant. I put an arm around his shoulders, and felt alleviated when he didn’t shake it off. I wasn’t sure anymore of how he would react right now. I wasn’t sure of anything, really.
“We never talked about this before? Not even with Changmin?” I knew Jaejoong and my younger brother were never the closer of friends, but they had a cordial relationship and I knew they’ve talked sometimes.
“Not that I remember.”
“Uh, weird... well, I don’t know, it was a normal childhood?”
“I don’t know how a normal childhood is...,” He kept on sounding distant, cold. It scared me, so I tightened my hold around his shoulders.
“Sorry Joongie, didn’t think. Don’t know, it’s difficult to remember a childhood... I remember playing with Min, fighting with him, travelling to a couple of places when we had holidays, going to school, hating my parents and my brother at some time...,”
“You remember all that clearly?”
“Pretty much, yes. Why?”
“No reason, just felt like asking.” He went silent again, and didn’t speak for long minutes. I was going nuts trying to understand what was happening, and trying to think on how to continue, when he spoke again.
“I think I won’t have more headaches anymore.”
“Eh? Why? How do you know that?” I lent forward, trying to look at his face. He was looking the other way, gaze lost in nowhere.
“Because I already remember.”

I didn’t understand what he meant, and I asked him, but he went silent again and this time he didn’t talk anymore. I spend the rest of the day at his place, cooking for him and trying to make him eat, trying to talk to him, trying to help him, but he rarely responded to any of this. It was as if he was far away, lost in some corner of his mind, and it scared me to death. I didn’t want to lose him, I couldn’t lose him yet. He meant too much for me to let him go like that.

I swore to myself that I was going to help him, even if it was the last thing I did.

The following days were awful. Jaejoong didn’t stop going to the university nor did he change any of his habits, with the exception that he barely talked to anybody. That day in his flat was somehow an oddity, since from there on he barely even looked at my eyes. It was as if suddenly I was a stranger, or someone without any meaning in his life. And gods, it hurt.

When I was sure this all was a consequence of my confession, and this was a way for him to completely reject me, I noticed I wasn’t the only one being treated that way. Actually, everybody was treated that way. It was Yoochun the first one to approach me.

“Hyung?” He was standing next to my desk, right after the bell ran signaling the end of classes for the day.
“What’s up?” I forced a smile, even if I didn’t feel like smiling at all during those days.
“I was just wondering if you had a moment?”
“Sure. I don’t have much to do, lately” He seemed to get my hint and nodded sadly.
“Yeah, I know what it feels like” He sat down on the desk next to mine, and crossed his arms. “I’ll get to the point. What’s up with Jaejoong?” Even if I knew it was all about that, I still gulped nervously.
“I really don’t know…,” sighing, I rested my forehead on the desk, closing my eyes, defeated. “He had a headache some days ago, and after that he… just changed”
“After a headache?”
“Yes. And I don’t know what to think, I don’t know if he’s acting like this because he is scared, or because he is in pain, or because he is… really sick…” I said the last part in a whisper, not even wanting to say it out loud in case it became true.
“Man, this all sucks! Did he go to the doctor again?” Yoochun uncrossed his arms, and started kicking the ground.
“No. Every time I mentioned a doctor, he went crazy and seemed scared… and lately I just can’t even talk to him”
“Scared? Why?”
“No idea. He just said weird stuff, like he wasn’t going to have more headaches anymore. As if he could know that.” Raising my head, I shook it, frustrated with the blond’s attitude.
“Why would he say that?” Yoochun had an eyebrow raised, but looked really intrigued.
“Who knows? He said something about remembering it all already or…,”
“W-what? Remembering what?” Suddenly Yoochun was standing, pale, and wide eyed. As if he had just seen a ghost.
“Are you ok?” I stood up, grabbing his forearm, but he just nodded strongly, licking his now dry lips.
“Did he tell you what he remembered?” He sounded frantic.
“No? I didn’t give it much importance, I thought…,”
“Damn shit, I need to talk to him” and before I could add anything else, he just ran out of the classroom. I stood there, as if planted, thinking all my friends were going mad. Or maybe it was me, not understanding a thing, the one who was wrong in the head.

For a couple of days, Yoochun and Jaejoong didn’t appear at all. The third day, it was me who stayed at home.

I can say I was literally worried sick, and I couldn’t get bothered to go to class and back and act as if I cared for anything else that wasn’t Jaejoong, and his health, and his whereabouts. The talk with Yoochun and his disappearance didn’t help me either.

The sun was getting low outside my window, and an orange light covered my room, when someone knocked on my door. Once opened, Changmin stepped inside the room, not waiting for me to answer in any way.

“Ok, what’s happening?” He grabbed my desktop chair and rolled it until it was in front of the bed where I was half lying, and then sat down.
“What do you mean?” I sat up.
“Let’s not play around now; we both know what I’m talking about. First, Jaejoong hyung disappears, then your friend Yoochun, now you too? What the hell?”
“I haven’t disappeared…” I mumbled, but Changmin gave me this look, the one he uses when he is down to business and doesn’t accept any crap, so I sighed “I don’t know, Min. Jaejoong started feeling sick, then it all became weird, then Yoochun told me stuff and… I really don’t get anything, and I’m having headaches” I rubbed my temples; eyes closed, and heard Changmin shifting in the chair.
“Look, hyung, I can’t tell much cause I have no idea what happened to Jaejoong hyung, but you can’t stay at home like this. It’s shameful”
“Changmin! You have no idea what am I going through!”
“Aren’t you exaggerating now? Such drama…” He looked out of the window, frowning, and I could feel my blood boiling.
“What do you know? Huh?” I stood up, ready to punch his face if he dared to continue with that stupid attitude. I am the older brother, he must respect me!
“I know you care about Jaejoong hyung to the point of getting sick” He looked pointedly at me, and I shut up. “And I know this is no way of helping someone you care so much about. If he is sick or facing problems, shouldn’t you be there for him, instead of crying on your bed?”
“I wasn’t crying…”
“Hyung” He stood up facing me, and grabbed my shoulders “Go to school tomorrow. If Jaejoong hyung isn’t there, go to his place. Or something. Don’t know, just… don’t stay here. Act like a man”

I was so ashamed. Looking directly to my younger brother’s eyes I saw such maturity there that I felt like an idiot, like a lost kid. I nodded, not being able to say anything else. He clasped my shoulders tightly, smiled, and proclaimed we should go down to have dinner before it turned cold. Once he left the room, I breathed slowly, calming my racing heart. Yes, Changmin was right. I wasn’t going to help Jaejoong staying at home all day, and that was my main purpose: helping Jaejoong to overcome whatever it was that was happening to him.

Surely, hell couldn’t feel much worse than what I was feeling at the moment. Lying on my back at the floor of my living room, looking at the ceiling, analyzing again and again everything I suddenly knew. And most of all, the heartache of doubting my friends was killing. The heartache of doubting Yunho, the one who was always there. But that’s the thing, he was always there. Always. Since the first time I opened my eyes after I ‘lost’ my memories. That made me trust him even less, and I could feel stabs of pain in my heart every time I saw more logic in Yunho’s ‘treason’.

My doorbell rang. After the initial scare, I ignored it. It rang again, and I thought maybe it was Yunho? He wasn’t checking on me anymore, and it hurt. Yeah, I felt like an hypocrite, doubting him but wanting him to still care about my well-being… I closed my eyes; the doorbell rang again, this time followed by someone knocking on the door. And then, doorbell, incessant knocking and yells of my name. For god’s sake! I stood up and faced the door, not sure if I should go out and punch the lights out of whoever was there, or continue ignoring it. I walked towards the entrance, and the muffled voice started to become recognizable. It wasn’t Yunho, this was more of a velvety kind of voice…

“Jae, open the damn door!” Was it…?
“Yoochun?”
“Fuck yes, open up!”
“No way, go back home” I didn’t want any visit at all.
“Oh no, I’m not going anywhere, so you better open the door before your neighbors call the police for public nuisance!!” He kept on banging the door and yelling.
“The fuck, Chun!!” I opened the door “What’s your problem? I don’t want to see anybody, so just go the fuck…,”
“I remember too!” For one second I didn’t understand, but then I got it. I looked at him wide eyed, and he only nodded. I let him in without any more words, and closed the door once he was on his way to the living room.

I lent against the door and took a couple of deep breathes. He remembered too? Pushing my body away from the door, I walked to the living room. He was sitting at the couch, looking to the floor, hands clasped together over his knees. He didn’t seem that fine either.

“You remember? What do you…,”
“Our childhood, Jae. What else.” I felt like crying. Stepping carefully, scared probably, I sat next to him.
“When did you… remember?”
“Three or four days ago, not more.” Both our voices were low. Shaky.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Ha! Why didn’t you tell me either?” He turned to look at me, judging look included.
“… Touche. I’m sorry, it was all…,”
“I know man. How could we go around talking about something like this? It’s dangerous.”
“It is,” It felt weird knowing someone else knew. It made the nightmare more real, sure, but it also lifted a heavy weight from my chest. “Do you remember it all?”
“Hmm I’m not sure. I think I’m missing some parts. I don’t know what happened after our failed escape, for example.”
“You got caught” My voice was trembling, for sure.
“I know… I thought they were going to kill us. What happened?”
“I suppose…,” I breathed deeply, feeling nauseous, “we were too valuable for them, after all. Maybe they thought they could ‘use’ us later? So they just erased our memories…Remember those children who weren’t ‘good’ for them?”
“Oh gods yes… they opened their heads and played around with their brain.” I shivered. Talking with Yoochun made it all horribly real. Our memories were the same.
“Yes. And then he forgot everything…,”
“Oh fuck,” We stood silent for a while, both trying to absorb this new idea. They played with our brains… they didn’t let a piece of us untouched, after all.
“Do you think the others remember?” I asked in a tiny voice.
“No, I’m sure not. Yunho was drowning in despair not knowing what was happening with you” I bit my lip, and Yoochun smiled tiredly. “You should talk to him.”
“I thought he knew. I thought he knew it all along, and I felt betrayed and…,”
“I understand, but he doesn’t know... you weren’t betrayed by him. So go talk to him, or he will hang himself from a tree or something,” I smiled despite myself.
“Yes, I should call him”
“You should. And you should go back to school tomorrow. We’ll think on how to proceed from now on.” Yoochun patted my shoulder and stood, stretching his back.
“You’re leaving already?” Somehow, I was scared of staying alone. Knowing he knew too, I wanted him to stay and talk to me and tell me it all would be all right.
“Do you want to talk about the past? I don’t find it a really nice topic to chat about, actually…” He snorted. How could he snort in such a situation? I felt weak compared to him.
“I don’t know what I want. I don’t… I don’t want to be alone now.”
“Call Yunho? He’ll be here in one second.”
“But how can I tell him? ‘Sorry Yun, I think I’m going nuts’??” I stood up then, completely turned into a nervous wreck.
“Tell him the truth?” He raised one hand to stop me before I could call him mad “Not the whole truth. Tell him you’ve remembered your past, and it’s not a good one, and you don’t want to talk about it? He won’t pry, he worships you too much for it” I blushed. I know it because my face felt hot, and Yoochun smiled lewdly. “Call him. You’ll make him a happy man.”

And so I did. Twenty minutes after Yoochun’s departure, I collected my wits to call Yunho. He sounded surprised, then afraid, then anxious, then scared. I felt like a bastard for making him suffer like that. He hanged instantly after I asked him to come, and not even fifteen minutes later, he was ringing my door bell.

With a knot on my throat I opened the door. Yunho was standing there, with the most scared face I had ever seen on him. I could see he was dying to open his mouth and ask, but was waiting for me to give him a sign to know how to react. So I did what I was really longing to do: I hugged him. Tight and warm and almost desperate. And he hugged me back, and caressed my hair, and suddenly things weren’t as bad as they had been for the past days.

He told me he missed me. I told him I was sorry. He asked. I half answered. And just as Yoochun said, he understood, he respected me, and never letting go of my hand he promised to always be there. I trusted him more than ever.

PART 2
*Comments disabled in this part, feel free to leave one in the last part if you want! ♥