So Hard To Say Good-Bye To Yesterday
Yeah I haven't written in a long time. I guess you can say I've been lazy. I haven't really gone anywhere. Last night I went to the movies with Laura Burke, Ryan Gallagher, Mike Escobar, and their friend. It was really fun. Laura and I was really hyper. I got myself depressed again. I wrote a poem about Haylee and Morgan. I put it on my buddy4u. I was crying so much. It just still hurts. I don't think I've ever lost so much of me. Life is so short. It was even shorter for Haylee and Morgan. Sometimes I want to die. Just to see if there really is a Heaven. Its been 8 years and it seems like they died yesterday. The only people I really like to talk about Haylee and Morgan to is Courtney Bothwell and Alex Graveline. They hurt too. I cry for them too. I cant imagine if Courtney or Thaiz died. I'd kill myself. They mean so much to me. I hate being depressed. It makes me not want to talk to anyone. It also bring out a really different side of me. I get so much nicer to people. Sometimes all I want to do is lay in some guys arms that really loves me and just do nothing. These days you can't be sure to who really means it when they say they love you. I try my best to avoid getting into a serious relationship. It's hard getting so attached to someone then loosing them. I've been thinking about it and it would kind of be nice to go out with someone that is depressed like me. Do they have pills for depression? Because I hate feeling like there's no point in life. I once told my mom I wanted to see a therapist. She said she would get me one. I guess she forgot. I think I might ask her again. You know what I really hate? When people ask me if I'm okay and it's pretty obvious that I'm not. There's no way to fix it. It's not like you could bring Haylee and Morgan back. I can't even sleep at night. I have sleeping problems. Ryan yells at me for taking nyquil just to sleep and he gets so mad when I steal sleeping pills from my mom. I stopped though. David use to tell me I had problems. I do have problems. I don't think I'm crazy though. After Haylee and Morgan passed away I always eat when I get too strong of a feeling. I eat when I get really sad, mad, bored, happy, and when I get sad about me eating so much I can't eat at all. Sometimes when I cry about Haylee and Morgan it's not because they're dead, it's because I don't remember them. I don't remember the way their voice sounded or their laugh. I don't remember their personalities. I get so mad at myself for forgetting them. I'd give anything just to have one day with the four of us just sitting on the porch talking. I haven't seen Britney in like 3 years. I think she moved to Texas to live with her mom. I miss Debra. She use to call me Krystal Lilly. She treated me like her daughter. Always feeding me and giving me a second roof over my head. I wish we could move. I hate looking outside at that blue house that my best friends died in. It only makes everything harder. I still haven't accepted the fact that I need to accept that they are dead. I'm not the kind of person to just forget about someone. Well I have a headache from crying so I'm going to go to bed.
kRysTaL _x3