SPN: Fourth of July, by Malcolm St James
Title: Fourth of July
Author: malcolm_stjay
Characters: Dean, Sam. Amulet of Tine.
Word Count: 850
Rating: R (for language and run-on sentences)
Okay, so maybe Dean sometimes touched things he shouldn’t've. And maybe touching things he shouldn’t've sometimes gets him into trouble. And on the very rare occasions when that sometimes happened, Sam generally yelled at him for about a year about responsibility and acting his age and not being such a dumbass.
So, when the shoe’s on the other foot and the other one’s about to drop, Dean maybe couldn’t help laughing.
A lot.
Which, okay, didn’t help the situation, but it’s not like it got them killed, either.
See, they’d been tromping through some dirty bastard of a swamp, occasionally stepping on a rock the wrong way and falling neck-deep in rank-ass swamp water, when Sam noticed something glowing in amongst the cattails.
“Probably you shouldn’t touch that,” Dean told him, speaking from experience.
“But Dean,” Sam said, all earnest and wide-eyed, “it could be a clue.”
“The glowing swamp-thing could be a clue? To what? Sudden death? Or maybe it’s telling you where the vampire nest is.” Dean, in fact, knew exactly where the nest was, and so did Sam, so he said it, y’know, faseeshous - um. Sarcastically.
Except Sam was all, “Yeah! That’s it!” and then he was grabbing around in the mud and goo and saying, “Aha! Found it! And also I’m a huge moron for not listening to you, O Wise and Mighty Dean.”
At least, that’s what Dean assumed he meant, because all he got out was, “Aha! Found -” before he was cut off by his own shrieking.
Never one to hear a Sam-shriek and stand idly by, Dean pulled his gun and charged forward as well as he could considering he was up to his thighs in swamp. Except, whoa, okay, maybe charging forward was a bad idea, because the glowy thing was rising up and getting bigger and Dean sloshed to a stop at Sam’s side and shot the ever-loving bejesus out of it.
Which totally didn’t work, but A for effort, right?
“WHO DARES TOUCH THE AMULET OF TINE?” the glowy thing bellowed.
“Eeep,” Sam said.
“OH IT WAS YOU, WAS IT?” the Amulet roared. Dean squinted at it, trying to figure out if there was a heart he could be shooting at. Mostly it just looked like a huge sparkler that was waving around and shouting.
“DEATH BEFALLS YOU, IMPUDENT PUP!” The Amulet was really gearing up now, getting brighter and glowing menacingly on its way over to Sam.
“Whoa whoa whoa,” Dean blurted, making frantic calming gestures with his gun. And as the Amulet slowed and seemed to like, look at him, Dean started to laugh. Sam glared at him, which made him laugh harder.
“WHAT’RE YOU LAUGHING AT?” the Amulet shouted.
“Nothing,” Dean said, snorting a bit. “It’s just that you’re a giant sparkler.”
“A WHAT?” the Amulet asked.
“A sparkler. Like, Fourth of July? You draw your name with them? Or make giant tits and cocks? Or spell ‘fuck’ or ‘pussysnatcher’?”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,” the Amulet asked, vibrating a little. It continued scornfully. “I’M A VERY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT AMULET, YOU KNOW. I DON’T DRAW TITS OR COCKS.”
“Shut up, Dean,” Sam hissed, eying the Amulet. He looked a little sweaty and uncomfortable.
“But you could,” Dean said, ignoring him. “You could draw shit like that, if you wanted.”
“OF COURSE I COULD,” the Amulet said pompously. “I CAN DO ANY DAMN THING I WANT.” And to prove it, it drew a very realistic picture of a vagina.
“Awesome,” Dean said as the after-image faded. “Now do a dick!”
The Amulet of Tine drew a gigantic fiery dick across the sky. Beside him, Sam went slack-jawed. Together, they watched it write SHIT, and I ♥ PUSSY, and FUCK, and NERD BURGLAR, and SAM IS A DOUCHE, until Dean was laughing so hard he was barely able to see anything anymore because of the tears in his eyes.
“Dude,” he said, “you’re fucking awesome.”
“I KNOW,” the Amulet said.
“Also,” Dean added, “we’re not the ones that touched you in the bad place.”
“OH, SERIOUSLY?” the Amulet said. “BECAUSE I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO KILL YOU AFTER I WROTE WEENIS. GOOD THING YOU TOLD ME. SO. WHO’S THE ONE WHOM DEATH SHALL BEFALL?”
“It was the vampires,” Dean said, trying not to look shifty. “They’re hiding in a nest about three miles south-southeast of here.”
“I’LL KILL THEM ALL!” the Amulet roared, and sparkled off.
Which is when Dean really started laughing.
He laughed while Sam hissed about just how not-funny it was, and while they sloshed very quickly back through the swamp, and while he changed into dry clothes while at the same time supervising Sam changing so that he wouldn’t get any swamp goo on the upholstery, and while Sam bitch-faced at him because he wouldn’t stop laughing.
“Well, at least the thing I touched didn’t turn me into a girl,” Sam said prissily, and okay, that shut him up.
“I hate you,” Dean muttered, and frowned all the way back to the motel.
Author: malcolm_stjay
Characters: Dean, Sam. Amulet of Tine.
Word Count: 850
Rating: R (for language and run-on sentences)
Okay, so maybe Dean sometimes touched things he shouldn’t've. And maybe touching things he shouldn’t've sometimes gets him into trouble. And on the very rare occasions when that sometimes happened, Sam generally yelled at him for about a year about responsibility and acting his age and not being such a dumbass.
So, when the shoe’s on the other foot and the other one’s about to drop, Dean maybe couldn’t help laughing.
A lot.
Which, okay, didn’t help the situation, but it’s not like it got them killed, either.
See, they’d been tromping through some dirty bastard of a swamp, occasionally stepping on a rock the wrong way and falling neck-deep in rank-ass swamp water, when Sam noticed something glowing in amongst the cattails.
“Probably you shouldn’t touch that,” Dean told him, speaking from experience.
“But Dean,” Sam said, all earnest and wide-eyed, “it could be a clue.”
“The glowing swamp-thing could be a clue? To what? Sudden death? Or maybe it’s telling you where the vampire nest is.” Dean, in fact, knew exactly where the nest was, and so did Sam, so he said it, y’know, faseeshous - um. Sarcastically.
Except Sam was all, “Yeah! That’s it!” and then he was grabbing around in the mud and goo and saying, “Aha! Found it! And also I’m a huge moron for not listening to you, O Wise and Mighty Dean.”
At least, that’s what Dean assumed he meant, because all he got out was, “Aha! Found -” before he was cut off by his own shrieking.
Never one to hear a Sam-shriek and stand idly by, Dean pulled his gun and charged forward as well as he could considering he was up to his thighs in swamp. Except, whoa, okay, maybe charging forward was a bad idea, because the glowy thing was rising up and getting bigger and Dean sloshed to a stop at Sam’s side and shot the ever-loving bejesus out of it.
Which totally didn’t work, but A for effort, right?
“WHO DARES TOUCH THE AMULET OF TINE?” the glowy thing bellowed.
“Eeep,” Sam said.
“OH IT WAS YOU, WAS IT?” the Amulet roared. Dean squinted at it, trying to figure out if there was a heart he could be shooting at. Mostly it just looked like a huge sparkler that was waving around and shouting.
“DEATH BEFALLS YOU, IMPUDENT PUP!” The Amulet was really gearing up now, getting brighter and glowing menacingly on its way over to Sam.
“Whoa whoa whoa,” Dean blurted, making frantic calming gestures with his gun. And as the Amulet slowed and seemed to like, look at him, Dean started to laugh. Sam glared at him, which made him laugh harder.
“WHAT’RE YOU LAUGHING AT?” the Amulet shouted.
“Nothing,” Dean said, snorting a bit. “It’s just that you’re a giant sparkler.”
“A WHAT?” the Amulet asked.
“A sparkler. Like, Fourth of July? You draw your name with them? Or make giant tits and cocks? Or spell ‘fuck’ or ‘pussysnatcher’?”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,” the Amulet asked, vibrating a little. It continued scornfully. “I’M A VERY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT AMULET, YOU KNOW. I DON’T DRAW TITS OR COCKS.”
“Shut up, Dean,” Sam hissed, eying the Amulet. He looked a little sweaty and uncomfortable.
“But you could,” Dean said, ignoring him. “You could draw shit like that, if you wanted.”
“OF COURSE I COULD,” the Amulet said pompously. “I CAN DO ANY DAMN THING I WANT.” And to prove it, it drew a very realistic picture of a vagina.
“Awesome,” Dean said as the after-image faded. “Now do a dick!”
The Amulet of Tine drew a gigantic fiery dick across the sky. Beside him, Sam went slack-jawed. Together, they watched it write SHIT, and I ♥ PUSSY, and FUCK, and NERD BURGLAR, and SAM IS A DOUCHE, until Dean was laughing so hard he was barely able to see anything anymore because of the tears in his eyes.
“Dude,” he said, “you’re fucking awesome.”
“I KNOW,” the Amulet said.
“Also,” Dean added, “we’re not the ones that touched you in the bad place.”
“OH, SERIOUSLY?” the Amulet said. “BECAUSE I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO KILL YOU AFTER I WROTE WEENIS. GOOD THING YOU TOLD ME. SO. WHO’S THE ONE WHOM DEATH SHALL BEFALL?”
“It was the vampires,” Dean said, trying not to look shifty. “They’re hiding in a nest about three miles south-southeast of here.”
“I’LL KILL THEM ALL!” the Amulet roared, and sparkled off.
Which is when Dean really started laughing.
He laughed while Sam hissed about just how not-funny it was, and while they sloshed very quickly back through the swamp, and while he changed into dry clothes while at the same time supervising Sam changing so that he wouldn’t get any swamp goo on the upholstery, and while Sam bitch-faced at him because he wouldn’t stop laughing.
“Well, at least the thing I touched didn’t turn me into a girl,” Sam said prissily, and okay, that shut him up.
“I hate you,” Dean muttered, and frowned all the way back to the motel.