Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Hmm. So I should probably update.
I did get a chance to talk to Tim about how his "ultimatum" made me feel. He said he realized later how all-or-nothing he'd been and he apologized for it; he said that wasn't how he'd wanted to come off. I explained to him that I wasn't comfortable and that while I didn't want to lose my chance with him, I didn't want to take it too soon. He said that he was fine with that, he just wanted me to make more of an effort to ask him to hang out...or something. Because apparently we only see each other when we "bump" into each other and we don't "plan" to hang out, which now that I'm thinking about it is absolutely ridiculous because we see each other randomly all the freaking time. If we weren't going to see each other in the course of the day we would probably make plans. What an ass he can be sometimes, without even meaning to.
Regardless, I'm worried now that he still expects there to be a relationship someday. I don't want him to think that we're just waiting for me to get comfortable with being in a relationship with him, because I don't think that will ever happen. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure: I like Tim, but I don't think I could fall in love with him. I don't see a long-term relationship with him and that's the kind of thing I would prefer to have.
There's no logical reason why, but no one ever said love was logical. I just can't get over this feeling of being much older than him. It sounds stupid, especially since his birthday was Wednesday and we are now technically the same age. I just feel older than him and because of that the idea of dating him feels weird. I've always thought of him as young. I feel like I have to guard my behavior around him, because even though we've both observed that I'm an affectionate person with my friends, I'm worried that he'll take it as flirting. The other day I unthinkingly put my hand on his and squeezed it when I was saying something (something totally unromantic), and he grabbed it and didn't let go. I had to literally pull my hand out of his.
I miss Ryan.
I'm seeing Brian again tomorrow. We'll see.
Ugh. I so don't want to deal with this. I do not want to deal with men.
I did get a chance to talk to Tim about how his "ultimatum" made me feel. He said he realized later how all-or-nothing he'd been and he apologized for it; he said that wasn't how he'd wanted to come off. I explained to him that I wasn't comfortable and that while I didn't want to lose my chance with him, I didn't want to take it too soon. He said that he was fine with that, he just wanted me to make more of an effort to ask him to hang out...or something. Because apparently we only see each other when we "bump" into each other and we don't "plan" to hang out, which now that I'm thinking about it is absolutely ridiculous because we see each other randomly all the freaking time. If we weren't going to see each other in the course of the day we would probably make plans. What an ass he can be sometimes, without even meaning to.
Regardless, I'm worried now that he still expects there to be a relationship someday. I don't want him to think that we're just waiting for me to get comfortable with being in a relationship with him, because I don't think that will ever happen. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure: I like Tim, but I don't think I could fall in love with him. I don't see a long-term relationship with him and that's the kind of thing I would prefer to have.
There's no logical reason why, but no one ever said love was logical. I just can't get over this feeling of being much older than him. It sounds stupid, especially since his birthday was Wednesday and we are now technically the same age. I just feel older than him and because of that the idea of dating him feels weird. I've always thought of him as young. I feel like I have to guard my behavior around him, because even though we've both observed that I'm an affectionate person with my friends, I'm worried that he'll take it as flirting. The other day I unthinkingly put my hand on his and squeezed it when I was saying something (something totally unromantic), and he grabbed it and didn't let go. I had to literally pull my hand out of his.
I miss Ryan.
I'm seeing Brian again tomorrow. We'll see.
Ugh. I so don't want to deal with this. I do not want to deal with men.