Damaged Heart
This is a rather personal entry. I usually don't do these, but I have to get it out.
In the past couple of months, I have been going through what some people call depression, others call it a broken heart. I found it helpful to write what I was feeling. In the midst of my sorrows I decided to use those emotions whichever way they took me. I wrote and I came up with a little graphic that I have shown above. I'm sure most woman can relate to my current broken heart.
Break down of what happened:
I dated him about four years ago. He cheated ...many times. And I finally ended it. We dropped contact. He went on with one of the women he cheated with. And I went on with my life. Yes, I thought of him, but never thought of the possibility of ever seeing or hearing from him again. The only thing I heard was he had a child with that woman and any feelings towards him seemed to wither.
About two months ago, he messages me on my myspace page. I was stunned. Completely floored. I wasn't sure if I should write back. I almost didn't. I tried calling my best friend hoping he would talk me into my senses and tell me to delete it. But he didn't answer. So I let my curiosity get the better of me. I wrote him back. He called. We met up a few days later.
For four years I went over in my mind what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. And when I actually did, all those things escaped my mind. I was scare of him to be honest. Scared of what damage he might do all over again. He was having second thoughts about life as it was. Drama at home, his son and he couldn't keep a job. I felt repulsed by him. He had not been taking care of himself and I was not about to be taken down by him. ...But those old feelings came lurking back. The next day I didn't hear from him. A week goes by and I delete his number and messages. I saw this coming, as disappointing as it was.
I went on with my life. Have been talking to a few guys, but none of them spark the passion in me like he did.
Thanksgiving day, I receive a message on my facebook from him. He has left town and gave a shot at a job but it didn't fall through. He is back in my life. We meet up. Have an awesome night driving around town, going to my favorite places. We laugh and have fun like we did in the good old days. We text all day long and talk on the phone for five hours before going to sleep. In this time he tells me things like he would watch my websites to see what I was up to. He would keep things that I gave him. He listed songs that reminded me of him. We would go over the great memories from when we were together. It really felt like he was the one I let get away. I know back in the day I felt he was it for me. We had something special. But our time together now was strictly friends. I didn't expect much more. Even though I wanted more.
Then I find out his ex told him she wouldn't let him see his son if she knew he was talking to me. I didn't want to be in the middle of all that and told him to not risk seeing your child for me. I can't even today figure out why he did in the first place. I told him he has to make up his mind what he wants. If he wants to bow to her wishes or fight to see his son.
He of course chose her. She played the kid card, I know and I expected him to. I almost think I would think less of him if he didn't. But then again I know he isn't happy with her, otherwise he wouldn't have come to me. I told him to have a nice life and to not bother me again. But I can't help but feel it coming.
12/1/10: The Day It Happened
Whatever happened to the sanctity of love? It seems no one is looking for it or willing to give it anymore. I recently let someone back into my life after four years apart with
absolutely no hope of it ever happening. All he did was re-open the biggest wound I have ever had and all he could do is say he is sorry. He knew full well what he was doing and had no intention to find real love even though it was staring him in the face. His choice was based on a delusional hope for a "happy family". He will regret it. He spent four years watching my myspace page and keeping things that reminded him of me... and all for what? To dig my wounds even deeper? Yeah, he made me feel things that I haven't felt in literally four years. After my last boyfriend who left me scared to love, I was thankful to have someone make me feel like love is possible again. But again, I was proven wrong.
Is it supposed to feel like this? I mean, I've had my heart broken in so many ways I was sure they'd begin to feel the same after a while. Today is a hard day. My heart literally aches. I poured myself out to this man, this man who once loved me and hurt me at the same time, and he hurt me more than I ever knew. It took me three lonely years to date after him and the one after him was not much better. Is that really the challenge in life? To find the few who really know what love is and are willing to give it back?
I never used to be like this. I used to be as all the others. I had a phase when I was younger when I went through men like they were underwear, until I met him three years ago. I never knew love until him. After him, going from man to man seemed like child play compared to what real love had to offer.
*Side note: Those who are anxious to read more of Obsessed, I am in the middle of rewriting what I have already written. I will get it out soon.