It's whole lot of responsibility to take on and lot to forgive myself for if sex with Brian was not as consensual as I would have liked it to be. That's hard to take because it means that I ignored my own feelings and comfort levels alot.
There's a whole lot of conflicting emotions there. I set a bad precedent in the relationship by allowing him to initiate sex with me the first time while I was restrained. That's really dumb. Why would I do that? And because we weren't doing a formal scene, just "goofing around" I didn't get my chance to establish those boundaries before as I would have for any other kind of scene.
Ouch! I was really used. Because when it happened we had just done a scene. A responsible dom would not have tried to restrain me while I was still recovering. I didn't know how vulnerable I was then because I was inexperienced. I did not know how much difficulty I would have communicating verbally or even recognizing my own thoughts and emotions when I was in a submissive or sexual situation.
Wow. Fuck. Even if he, as he said "forgot" that I was a virgin the first time we had sex, that really wasn't the issue. I didn't care whether or not he respected my virginity, and by putting it in those terms he removed the issue of whether his actions showed respect toward me as a person.
Ewww. I really allowed myself to be manipulated by putting alot of trust into a person who did not value it.
Love, I really don't think any of that stuff is something you should blame yourself for. Even if you "didn't care whether he respected [your] virginity," didn't he owe it to you as your dom and also as a human being to make sure things were consensual all the way through? You were restrained. You had made him aware you were a virgin. Apparently no consent to have sex was given beforehand. To ignore all of that was horrible of him.
But maybe my own lack of knowledge about the kink scene is blinding me. I would hate to be judge-y about something I know so little about.
It really makes me sad to see all of this go sour for you, because sex shouldn't be like how you experienced it. However, you really seem like such a strong and thoughtful person, I really hope all of these bad feelings pass and that you are able to move on and do more experimenting when you're ready. <3
It's whole lot of responsibility to take on and lot to forgive myself for if sex with Brian was not as consensual as I would have liked it to be. That's hard to take because it means that I ignored my own feelings and comfort levels alot.
There's a whole lot of conflicting emotions there. I set a bad precedent in the relationship by allowing him to initiate sex with me the first time while I was restrained. That's really dumb. Why would I do that? And because we weren't doing a formal scene, just "goofing around" I didn't get my chance to establish those boundaries before as I would have for any other kind of scene.
Ouch! I was really used. Because when it happened we had just done a scene. A responsible dom would not have tried to restrain me while I was still recovering. I didn't know how vulnerable I was then because I was inexperienced. I did not know how much difficulty I would have communicating verbally or even recognizing my own thoughts and emotions when I was in a submissive or sexual situation.
Wow. Fuck. Even if he, as he said "forgot" that I was a virgin the first time we had sex, that really wasn't the issue. I didn't care whether or not he respected my virginity, and by putting it in those terms he removed the issue of whether his actions showed respect toward me as a person.
Ewww. I really allowed myself to be manipulated by putting alot of trust into a person who did not value it.
Reply
But maybe my own lack of knowledge about the kink scene is blinding me. I would hate to be judge-y about something I know so little about.
It really makes me sad to see all of this go sour for you, because sex shouldn't be like how you experienced it. However, you really seem like such a strong and thoughtful person, I really hope all of these bad feelings pass and that you are able to move on and do more experimenting when you're ready. <3
Reply
You're right. I feel like i gave consent, but he didn't look to get enthusiastic consent.
Thanks again. I really just made this post to be therapeutic, so I hope it does help me get past the bad feelings.
Reply
Leave a comment