(no subject)
Sorry for being so absent lately.
I feel like I have really lost my voice, nothing being produced, nothing being expressed.
I am going to talk about my last relationship. Because I need to talk about it, and I need to feel better about it. Because this was a relationship I will try my best not to say harmful or untrue things about my previous partner, while still being honest about my feelings and what happened between us.
I feel foolish for allowing myself to start the relationship:
Firstly because I wasn't ready to deal with the risks and self care involved with having a sexual relationship. I did not then and still don't have the courage, time, or financial freedom to visit a doctor regularly or go to an OBGYN. There are obvious systemic barriers to doing these things and it is obviously irresponsible on my part not to do these things.
Secondly I believed myself able to engage in a poly relationship. That was not the case.
I was never jealous of my partner's girlfriend, but I did not like her. This came as a surprise to me because I generally like most people that I come in contact with. There are very few people I meet that I dislike. Our initial meeting only gave me a sense of indifference toward her, and then gradually grew to mild dislike because from what I heard of their relationship, I disliked the way she treated my partner. Then when my partner surprised me by taking me to an event where I would be in close contact with her without warning me ahead of time I became discomforted being around her. I cancelled my rsvp to an event she was planning which greatly upset her and in turn, my partner. Because I felt they had both disregarded my feelings on that occasion and on others previously, I really felt no need to spare her feelings. I told my partner I didn't care that she was upset.
This was not the relationship that I saw for myself. If I had been poly, I expected a more egalitarian environment. A triad where everyone loves one another, not this vague shifting open relationship that I had. I was not comfortable with dating other people, and I didn't have the time beyond my current relationship.
While I was in this relationship I learned to deeply dislike sex.
This sucks, because I was always a sex positive person. I wanted to enjoy sex so much, but the more I did it the less I liked it. My partner preferred thick, spermicidal condoms, and did not use lubricant. My first time was like a rugburn. After that I bought thinner ones which my partner did not like to use because they were too tight. I believe as soon as our second time having sex I started getting yeast infections. My partner would often ask for anal sex or anal play. The first time he asked I said I wanted to be given some warning ahead of time so that I could flush out my colon. I believe I was warned once or twice. Several times I consented to anal play or anal sex at times when I was uncomfortable doing it. There are times that I know I got vaginal yeast infections due to having anal sex. I hate that. Vaginal sex was painful for me almost every time, when I told my partner, instead of trying to find ways to make sex work for me insisted that I speak to an OBGYN or sex psychologist. I preferred anal sex (when I was given time to prepare) to vaginal sex but we did not do that often because my partner was disappointed that he did not bring me to orgasm when we did it that way. However he almost never orgasmed having sex with me vaginally due to the medications he was on. I was often afraid to tell my partner I was in pain. I was often embarrassed to be intimate with my partner because of the way I smelled and felt different due to having a yeast infection.
My partner often wanted to have sex at parties. I did not. I was not and still am not comfortable with sharing something that intimate in a strange place around people I do not know well. Also sex was difficult, unpleasant, and disappointing for me, a great way to ruin an otherwise wonderful night of play.
Although I enjoyed playing with my partner I often had more fun playing with my friends than with him at parties. I don't understand my lack of honesty or trust there that what I had in my most intimate relationship was not as fulfilling as what I got from friends. Maybe that was the problem though. Maybe I trusted them more than him because I gave myself time to get to know them, rather than how I had immediately jumped into a physical relationship with my partner.
I find myself wondering if I could be an asexual person because of these experiences. I am thinking maybe there is something flawed in me to have built up sex into a fantasy beyond anything life can deliver. That is a deeply painful thought.
I find myself wondering if I was ever really visually attracted to my partner. I never thought that meant anything. I always thought that was a shallow consideration outside of media and visual culture. Until my partner asked me about his appearance I didn't think my evaluation of his looks was important. Just as I rarely cared what he thought about how I looked. Once I bent to his whims according to how I should dress and I ended up absurdly overdressed at an event where I met his extended family.
In this relationship I found myself wanting sex less than I ever had before. In this relationship I found myself wanting kink less than I ever had before.
Because I desired sex so much when I was younger and how often Iooked at porn and read about sex I seriously thought I was a sex addict. Now I can't fathom ever wanting the real physical act that much. Maybe I was a love addict, maybe I was an intimacy addict.
The most disappointing thing about the relationship though was that I didn't feel that he was growing with me anymore. That's the thing I had been most attached to, and the thing I expressed first about the relationship not working. To his credit this was the one area that he had worked hardest in to improve to try and save the relationship. But it was too little too late.
About the kink scene:
There are somethings I really love about it. I love some of the people I met so very much. I miss them since I haven't really done anything kink related since November. Mostly I liked talking to people, I liked being comfortable with talking to people. I liked exploring new things with people I trust. I liked being able to touch people. I miss being tied up by sure hands. I miss having a sweet lapful of latex. I miss being tickled and tickling other people. Beyond that I don't feel like I'm missing much. I don't miss fighting for dungeon space, I don't miss feeling like the "other" because of my age and race in certain spaces. I don't miss being drawn into scenes that aren't smart because of inexperienced doms. I don't miss violent wands. I don't miss spending all that money.
I guess that's all I have to say for now, I hope this opens the door for me to keep on writing. I miss writing for myself. I miss being me.
I feel like I have really lost my voice, nothing being produced, nothing being expressed.
I am going to talk about my last relationship. Because I need to talk about it, and I need to feel better about it. Because this was a relationship I will try my best not to say harmful or untrue things about my previous partner, while still being honest about my feelings and what happened between us.
I feel foolish for allowing myself to start the relationship:
Firstly because I wasn't ready to deal with the risks and self care involved with having a sexual relationship. I did not then and still don't have the courage, time, or financial freedom to visit a doctor regularly or go to an OBGYN. There are obvious systemic barriers to doing these things and it is obviously irresponsible on my part not to do these things.
Secondly I believed myself able to engage in a poly relationship. That was not the case.
I was never jealous of my partner's girlfriend, but I did not like her. This came as a surprise to me because I generally like most people that I come in contact with. There are very few people I meet that I dislike. Our initial meeting only gave me a sense of indifference toward her, and then gradually grew to mild dislike because from what I heard of their relationship, I disliked the way she treated my partner. Then when my partner surprised me by taking me to an event where I would be in close contact with her without warning me ahead of time I became discomforted being around her. I cancelled my rsvp to an event she was planning which greatly upset her and in turn, my partner. Because I felt they had both disregarded my feelings on that occasion and on others previously, I really felt no need to spare her feelings. I told my partner I didn't care that she was upset.
This was not the relationship that I saw for myself. If I had been poly, I expected a more egalitarian environment. A triad where everyone loves one another, not this vague shifting open relationship that I had. I was not comfortable with dating other people, and I didn't have the time beyond my current relationship.
While I was in this relationship I learned to deeply dislike sex.
This sucks, because I was always a sex positive person. I wanted to enjoy sex so much, but the more I did it the less I liked it. My partner preferred thick, spermicidal condoms, and did not use lubricant. My first time was like a rugburn. After that I bought thinner ones which my partner did not like to use because they were too tight. I believe as soon as our second time having sex I started getting yeast infections. My partner would often ask for anal sex or anal play. The first time he asked I said I wanted to be given some warning ahead of time so that I could flush out my colon. I believe I was warned once or twice. Several times I consented to anal play or anal sex at times when I was uncomfortable doing it. There are times that I know I got vaginal yeast infections due to having anal sex. I hate that. Vaginal sex was painful for me almost every time, when I told my partner, instead of trying to find ways to make sex work for me insisted that I speak to an OBGYN or sex psychologist. I preferred anal sex (when I was given time to prepare) to vaginal sex but we did not do that often because my partner was disappointed that he did not bring me to orgasm when we did it that way. However he almost never orgasmed having sex with me vaginally due to the medications he was on. I was often afraid to tell my partner I was in pain. I was often embarrassed to be intimate with my partner because of the way I smelled and felt different due to having a yeast infection.
My partner often wanted to have sex at parties. I did not. I was not and still am not comfortable with sharing something that intimate in a strange place around people I do not know well. Also sex was difficult, unpleasant, and disappointing for me, a great way to ruin an otherwise wonderful night of play.
Although I enjoyed playing with my partner I often had more fun playing with my friends than with him at parties. I don't understand my lack of honesty or trust there that what I had in my most intimate relationship was not as fulfilling as what I got from friends. Maybe that was the problem though. Maybe I trusted them more than him because I gave myself time to get to know them, rather than how I had immediately jumped into a physical relationship with my partner.
I find myself wondering if I could be an asexual person because of these experiences. I am thinking maybe there is something flawed in me to have built up sex into a fantasy beyond anything life can deliver. That is a deeply painful thought.
I find myself wondering if I was ever really visually attracted to my partner. I never thought that meant anything. I always thought that was a shallow consideration outside of media and visual culture. Until my partner asked me about his appearance I didn't think my evaluation of his looks was important. Just as I rarely cared what he thought about how I looked. Once I bent to his whims according to how I should dress and I ended up absurdly overdressed at an event where I met his extended family.
In this relationship I found myself wanting sex less than I ever had before. In this relationship I found myself wanting kink less than I ever had before.
Because I desired sex so much when I was younger and how often Iooked at porn and read about sex I seriously thought I was a sex addict. Now I can't fathom ever wanting the real physical act that much. Maybe I was a love addict, maybe I was an intimacy addict.
The most disappointing thing about the relationship though was that I didn't feel that he was growing with me anymore. That's the thing I had been most attached to, and the thing I expressed first about the relationship not working. To his credit this was the one area that he had worked hardest in to improve to try and save the relationship. But it was too little too late.
About the kink scene:
There are somethings I really love about it. I love some of the people I met so very much. I miss them since I haven't really done anything kink related since November. Mostly I liked talking to people, I liked being comfortable with talking to people. I liked exploring new things with people I trust. I liked being able to touch people. I miss being tied up by sure hands. I miss having a sweet lapful of latex. I miss being tickled and tickling other people. Beyond that I don't feel like I'm missing much. I don't miss fighting for dungeon space, I don't miss feeling like the "other" because of my age and race in certain spaces. I don't miss being drawn into scenes that aren't smart because of inexperienced doms. I don't miss violent wands. I don't miss spending all that money.
I guess that's all I have to say for now, I hope this opens the door for me to keep on writing. I miss writing for myself. I miss being me.