Jul 11, 2007 10:24
fuck you.
jealous of everyone. mad at myself. second day in a row that someone didn't even bother holding the elevator an extra second for me, so i stood in front of the door closing right in front of my face. it wouldn't be a big deal if i lived on the 2nd or 3rd floor, but the 12th? you selfish cuntrags.
a lot of my friends are much more successful than i am which probably makes for more sour friendships. ehhzhzhzzzh
i notice that with some people i am having a lot of trouble getting along lately... like, i cannot empathize one bit with those who just gurgle like a blathering idiot over ~cute~ stuff, like kittens and babies... UGH babies. foul things. if you're near me and you start fucking going AWWWW SO KEY-YOOOOT AWW DOOYA WANNA BE PETTED WIDDLE CUTIE DO YA DO YA? to some puppies or cats or whatev i will be restraining myself from calling you a fuckface. that's just been on my mind lately. one reason why i can't maintain my composure around most girls. they drive me NUTS. i can't even tell you... omg. one person i know said this yesterday (sorry, i just have to tell this story):
"y'know, honestly it just makes me so happy when guys are nice. when they're just NICE, you know? like when they buy you things. that makes me happy."
um.
i'm not even going to say it.
but what i was saying before was that i am so jealous of friends & people in general who get all these perks due to working hard and doing well! i work hard and i still have the hardest time with excelling in what i do. one of my instructors was disappointed in me, saying "i thought you were going to be the A student. i thought you were going to shine above everyone else in this class, but then what the hell happened stephanie? you literally hit bottom. i don't even know what to say."
thanks...
i just can't get it out of my head. and some part of me tells me it's because i'm a fucking depressive unmotivated weed, and i feel that way, and teachers and that boyfriend (ex-) and, well, my friends don't care so they don't say, but these other influential people tell me to seek help--[WOW a really cute grad student just came in and asked me tons of questions. wow he was really handsome. too bad the only time i care about noticing people is if they even give me the time of day! then i tend to overanalyze everrrything they say and do & then i sound like a rambling fuck. i'm so bored. this is how i get easily excited. but he is so CUTE and i can't stand boys my age, they're terrible! why why whyyyy can't i just advance four years (sans aging) & then voila, peut-etre mes problemes vont disparu. okay pardon my terrible french please. too bad i have nooo fucking chance with that guy. he probably has a girlfriend or a boyfriend. attention men: please do not talk to me! i am in no state to build up false hopes. so please ignore me and treat me as i deserve to be treated: like a worthless scab. thank you]--but when i actually DO go & seek help, every therapist has dismissed anything notable. oh, you miss your boyfriend. oh, teenage angst. oh, must be PMS. this therapist has yet to tell me. she knows though. she wants to tell me to leave and to not bother coming in again but she can't do it because i'm helping her get a nice paycheckkk yall. then she's going to say, you're going to be alright. you have the strength to get through the year. it's just two more semesters, you can do it right? okay, good luck with everything! thanks bye!
then i'll fucking regress back into this bullshit where i know i can't fucking ace anything and i'll disappoint all my instructors again and embarrass myself in front of my classmates again just like i always fucking have! i know i'm capable but i JUST. CAN'T. so fuck you!
if someone could just hold me and tell me that it's okay that i'm not that great and have a subpar life and they adore my mediocre self that can't get any help because no one fucking cares to note that no i am not the most depressed person ever obviously but i really, REALLY cannot carry on like this for the rest of my life i know it because then, clearly, well. i don't want to know. i'll stay in bed then. i can't be subpar forever. i can't progress in this state. there is NO progression. not even in my weight loss. i am back up to what i was before. ray would be delighted to know that. he told me that he doesn't believe i could lose weight. he told me i wouldn't be able to go to the gym if i said i would. so now he can fucking be happy that AS FUCKING USUAL, he was fucking right!!!
fuck you.
i just should cancel my appointment next week
because i know this is going to go nowhere
she's just going to tell me i am pmsing or something
which i am not
i'm bored
good bye