Aug 26, 2006 09:40
so i woke up this morning in the middle of core I. I realized that steve was absolutely going to kill me for missing breakfast and chapel and sat bolt upright. The sun was shining in on me, but from the wrong direction. I rolled over to see if Christina had left but I was the only one here. There is no second bed, no beautiful view or crowded dresser. there was only me, in my bed, clutching a pillow to my chest, not christina. I'm still wearing my "I Love You" shirt. But its wierd to be loving people from far away. It hasnt hit me really. Only in little pieces. the realization that a huge part of my life just ended temporarily. for a really long time leaders will only be inside of me. but this week was a really good way to close it up.
i roomed in bayview. which was amazing and pretty and all that stuff. me and christina petrucci roomed together. which was just plain amazing. i hope i get along that well with my roommate next year. late night bonding with her a bunch. one the last night a bunch of us stayed in the hallway and just talked forever. each room had its own hot water shower, so i was clean more often than usual. when i got back to melrose i sprayed my room with the apple cinamon poop spray we used so it would feel like i was still at home.
me and jenny are in the same place now. which is a big deal for me. i know shes not on anyone's favorite lists for a lot of reasons. but she is still a big part of mine. we talked for a really long time. about a lot of things. and i think i am ok with things in that dept. whatever level we reached, i know we're both together.
double core was amazing. all the blanking. and the blank off the blank. and blank. and playing blank. and coming down. chilling with ned. and meeting stewie. amazing views. and such amazing people. i dont think i have to blank out the word bonding, i think thats understood. it was the most amazing thing ever. it put me in a really good place.
for aquatics i had sailing which is sooooo fun! me and jill were the best ever. we are gonna go to the olympics. we turtled once and got up like BAM! haha. lucky 13! for my elective i got UFO which was also amazing. team peanut butter totally ruled! and on the last day they made sure the GVs had an awesome last game. sweaty ufo hugs all around.
it was amazing to see all my friends again. and then some. being able to say i love you to anybody(almost) and know that you mean it and they mean it when they say it back. some people i didnt even think knew who i was telling me how much they would miss me. its amazing! i feel like at leaders we get spoiled. because at leaders we return to our natural state. i feel like leaders is just more pure than the real world. my untainted bubble. i managed to stay out of and away ffrom drama. which was good. i did hear some of it. mostly in places i didnt expect. but unfortunately it happens.
i think i did pretty well as far as crying goes. i was a mess at our last double core. and then at banquet that night. but i ended up holding it in. and throwing up because it made my stomach churn. i only cried a little when jenny pinned me. she held my hand the whole time. i did cry when they had her sit back down. i was hysterical as soon as she let go of my hand. which was quite a prolonged experience. thats one of the things i keep reliving in my head. those moments when she never let me go, mostly because i think she knew i didnt want her to.
and then i cried only a little at closing. i cried during jet plane. and then when they announced carol was leaving i got hysterical again. carol is my home away from home. i know that very few people like her. because she is sort of a bitch. but she was always very nice to me. and my first year when i was lonely, the week was much easier when i found out she was from melrose. because then i wasnt alone anymore. i owe alot to her.
the bus ride was very mellow. which was really good. just this relaxed existence kind of thing. i loved it. and now i'm here. stuck in limbo again. with this very clear meaning of what home is. what love really is. and being so far away from both. it hasnt hit me yet. i havent showered. i havent changed. but the girl in the mirror isnt me. i dont recognize her at all. i am trying to find a way to get the date stamp off of my pictures. also to download three little birds to be my ringtone. failing miserably at both. but its not phazing me. i feel like a big kid today. i feel like i have an invisible support system. and i'm gonna ride it as much as i can.
love
maddie