just really tired.... of everything....
HHmmmm... here i am again... so tired and so much work to do and no energy to do it... I am just so swamped it is so.... uuhhh... I meen, majoring in theatre is so hard and I want to major in it beyond belief... I love the stage, i love the theatre, i love performing... It is just, a passion... But there is so much other stuff involved and while having a full time schedual of classes, and a job, it isn't going to well... I know it is just the second week of the semester, but things or only going to get harder, so if i can barely handle it now, what about in the middle of the semester??? I meen, i have to put in so many hours for the set, for my theatre and acting classes, my job, my auditons, monologues i have to memorize for acting class and the next audition i have to do... It is just so overwhelming and i don't know how much more of it i can take...I actually, sadly told myself that if this year was to much, I might just minor in theatre... Daniel told me not to though, and he would help me along with n e thing i needed... But what if i have a mental breakdown in the middle of the night or something... I am not going to wake him because he for one, coudln't come over cuz he lives to far away,and 2, i wouldn't want to wake him cuz he has classes too.... he can help me on the weekends and maybe a weekday here or there, but that is all... I really appreciate his help and love to know that he will actually help me, but i have to do this on my own... If i can't handle it, it is my problem, not his.... If i find out that i can't handle it, i have to change to a minor... i guess i will have found out that i am not as strong as i thought i was... I just don't know about college... I think it is just a nervous breakdown waiting to happen... I meen, it is so hard being a theatre major and not living on campus... I have to come home and go back 2 times on some days and i cant afford a new car so i have to cherish the ones i have axcess too... For the past couple nights, i have just been crying myself to sleep... why??? I don't even know... I meen, i found the perfect man, and I have my life goals all planned out and i am persueing them to the best of my ability, what should be wrong??? I meen, i am depressed, yet so happy... I am a little paranoid about tomarrow being sep. 11 also... I watched the news that they said they found a tape saying that there will be more attacks in the usa... I guess the only reason i am scard is cuz i don't want my baby to leave me... I honestly don't think i would be sane right now with out him, and just sitting around wondering if he is dead or alive or not hearing from him for years really wouldn't help the situation...
I am just a total wreck right now... I cant handle anything... I crashed at like 4 o clock and woke up at 7... I can't even sleep when i am suppose to... I barely sleep at night because i think there is to much stuff i could be doing and getting done... and then i start thinking about the day ahead and i get paranoid... I don't know... I just sit down and think about what i pput my body through and i just start to cry... my stomach is all full of alsers and i always have problems with my stomach... I can barely eat breakfast, rather, i can barley keep it in my system... I can't eat it, i just get sick, but it is alwayz good to know i tried... I have also been paronoid about something, cuz i have been eating like a fucking cow... I can't stop myself so i really gatta put an end to it.... I have been riding my bike everyday for a little release and exercise and then i do a bunch of exercises that kill me... I just am not happy with myself right now and i think i look terrible... That doesn't help the depression thing.... But yet tuesday, Daniel can over and bought me a brownie and a cookie from mrs. fields, some braceletes, a care bears patch and a hello kitty key chain... That was the sweetest thing... I so wasn't expecting that at all... It was a greaat suprise... I wish i could get him something, but he is really hard to buy for.... I will cook for him this weekend... he knows that, i told him i would... I gatta cook him something other than noodles, cuz that is all he has in his place... hehehe... Well, I guess i should be going and do some of my stupid shit.... good night world... *MUAW*
I am just a total wreck right now... I cant handle anything... I crashed at like 4 o clock and woke up at 7... I can't even sleep when i am suppose to... I barely sleep at night because i think there is to much stuff i could be doing and getting done... and then i start thinking about the day ahead and i get paranoid... I don't know... I just sit down and think about what i pput my body through and i just start to cry... my stomach is all full of alsers and i always have problems with my stomach... I can barely eat breakfast, rather, i can barley keep it in my system... I can't eat it, i just get sick, but it is alwayz good to know i tried... I have also been paronoid about something, cuz i have been eating like a fucking cow... I can't stop myself so i really gatta put an end to it.... I have been riding my bike everyday for a little release and exercise and then i do a bunch of exercises that kill me... I just am not happy with myself right now and i think i look terrible... That doesn't help the depression thing.... But yet tuesday, Daniel can over and bought me a brownie and a cookie from mrs. fields, some braceletes, a care bears patch and a hello kitty key chain... That was the sweetest thing... I so wasn't expecting that at all... It was a greaat suprise... I wish i could get him something, but he is really hard to buy for.... I will cook for him this weekend... he knows that, i told him i would... I gatta cook him something other than noodles, cuz that is all he has in his place... hehehe... Well, I guess i should be going and do some of my stupid shit.... good night world... *MUAW*