lost and spaced: a word on fat chicks, drugs, friends, and blown off toes
god damn it's been a long time since i've written on this forsaken fucked up website. have i changed that much since the lst time i wrote on it. the answer, sadly is; no. i'm still the same lost spaced out little boy who doesn't know what to do, and questions everything he does. i feel i have come to grips with a few things. herbs dont really help to make me happy. i'm in charge of that. i am rather, but only attracted to fat or overweight women or teenaged girls. i find being pressed against a lusiously curvy voluptous body to be quite enjoyable. i am becoming more accepting of this asect of myself, and don't care as mch about what other people think about it.
i moved up to oregon, at least for the time being. i've also recently become involve in a relationship with this older woman, who also happens to be the stepmother of an ex-girlfriend of mine. apparently sedistic and pyschotic behavior isn't just learned its also inherited the now ex-husband seems to share a lot of the same qualities with the daughter. my new girlfriend and i are able to tell stories about our ex's more psychotic aspects. the worst part about this relationship is that she was tormented by a raving lunatic for 15 years, and has trouble adapting to a new less stressful environment. i have to take a moment to apologize for the raving lunatic comment, it was uncalled for and unfair. just to be clear the man was incredible with mechanics and was exceptionally intelligent, he just has some kind of an inferirity/supiriority complex in which he's never wrong and when his wife left him h lost it. i'm sure that her latching onto me didn't help either though. i feel that i need to let go of her so she can find herself, but hearing the things she says doesn't fill me with a lot of confidance that she wouldn't just rebound onto another guy. i feel i should leave her and that it would be better for every one. at the same time i feel happy to have someone who cares about me and my happiness. see? just like i said i still question everything i do. i wanted to get some fucking time to myself so that i'd be comfortable with me and just when that starts happening a big beautiful goddess temps me, and what do i do? i listen to my hormones, i fuck her dozens of times and become emotionally attached. now the tough part how do i leave maintaining some kind of integrity, while at the same time not completely lose it mentally. some times i wish i weren't such a fucking pussy. what makes it worse is that while i was with her she tells me she wants to go to central america on vacation next winter and wants me to go with her. i question whether i'd ever go somewhere like that all on my own, so i want to go with her. i feel confused and irritated that this situation isn't clearer. i decided to wait for a while and see how things pan out. maybe the reason i want to leave is because i do question what i do. i think i could be in any situation and find a reason to go the other way. maybe i jsut need to take it easy and not worry so much.
on another note, phoenix continued to progress with his independent business venture. i'm not sure if he still does it, but the way it went was...
I moved to oregon, he kept dealing with his clientel building a quite admirable empire. the real problem was the way he was doing it. he wasn't at all discreet as he drove the city's streets or entered and exited his home so often. yes the neighbors did stare out the windows at him. wen i arrived in the 505 to visit my hometown a friend of his had a nasty run in with a shotgun. phoenix blew his toe off. the cops inevitably raded the house and confescated any paraphenalia when 911 was called right after the accident. yes accident, the lost toe was unintentional, which was one more testimony to his carelessness. luckily for him he wasn't home when the cops arrived, he would've been able to slip the noose and run up to oregon where i would supply his witha new clientel and resisdence, right? fuck no! why the hell should i do that? did he ever once try to call me after i moved? no. he came up to visit one time, for my birthday. would he have even done that if i hadn't kept in touch with him? probably not. then he expects me to be there and help him out of this fucking mess that he made for himself? what the hell do i get out of it? i do feel bad that i didn't help him, but i still don't feel like i was put in a fair posission. further more it was so fucking hard to tell him i didn't want him to come up here i didn't even relay the entire message to him. i was choked up about having to tell my best friend that he wasn't welcome. now because i did such a pisspoor job he fucking hate me and wont even answer the phone when i call. how the hell am i supposed to explain my posission when i can't even talk to the bastard? oh well, maybe it's better that i lost my best friend.he was kind of a fuck up, but damn he was amussing. maybe i'll actually be able to talk to him again someday. maybe that grudge wont be there forever. yeah and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
anyway, it felt good to get that out. i'm gonna go, remember the way we used to dance, and scream at people to take off there pants. how i laugh the night away til i'm no longer lost and spaced
love, drugs, sex, violence, rock n' roll, unity, diversity, peace out, and lots of pleasant thoughts about big booty hoes with cigarettes, 40 ozer, dubes, and clowns with machettis and flying monkeys,
-spikes
p.s. i apologize about typos, misspelled words, and as far as the comments that aren't PC if there are any... aww fuck it.
i moved up to oregon, at least for the time being. i've also recently become involve in a relationship with this older woman, who also happens to be the stepmother of an ex-girlfriend of mine. apparently sedistic and pyschotic behavior isn't just learned its also inherited the now ex-husband seems to share a lot of the same qualities with the daughter. my new girlfriend and i are able to tell stories about our ex's more psychotic aspects. the worst part about this relationship is that she was tormented by a raving lunatic for 15 years, and has trouble adapting to a new less stressful environment. i have to take a moment to apologize for the raving lunatic comment, it was uncalled for and unfair. just to be clear the man was incredible with mechanics and was exceptionally intelligent, he just has some kind of an inferirity/supiriority complex in which he's never wrong and when his wife left him h lost it. i'm sure that her latching onto me didn't help either though. i feel that i need to let go of her so she can find herself, but hearing the things she says doesn't fill me with a lot of confidance that she wouldn't just rebound onto another guy. i feel i should leave her and that it would be better for every one. at the same time i feel happy to have someone who cares about me and my happiness. see? just like i said i still question everything i do. i wanted to get some fucking time to myself so that i'd be comfortable with me and just when that starts happening a big beautiful goddess temps me, and what do i do? i listen to my hormones, i fuck her dozens of times and become emotionally attached. now the tough part how do i leave maintaining some kind of integrity, while at the same time not completely lose it mentally. some times i wish i weren't such a fucking pussy. what makes it worse is that while i was with her she tells me she wants to go to central america on vacation next winter and wants me to go with her. i question whether i'd ever go somewhere like that all on my own, so i want to go with her. i feel confused and irritated that this situation isn't clearer. i decided to wait for a while and see how things pan out. maybe the reason i want to leave is because i do question what i do. i think i could be in any situation and find a reason to go the other way. maybe i jsut need to take it easy and not worry so much.
on another note, phoenix continued to progress with his independent business venture. i'm not sure if he still does it, but the way it went was...
I moved to oregon, he kept dealing with his clientel building a quite admirable empire. the real problem was the way he was doing it. he wasn't at all discreet as he drove the city's streets or entered and exited his home so often. yes the neighbors did stare out the windows at him. wen i arrived in the 505 to visit my hometown a friend of his had a nasty run in with a shotgun. phoenix blew his toe off. the cops inevitably raded the house and confescated any paraphenalia when 911 was called right after the accident. yes accident, the lost toe was unintentional, which was one more testimony to his carelessness. luckily for him he wasn't home when the cops arrived, he would've been able to slip the noose and run up to oregon where i would supply his witha new clientel and resisdence, right? fuck no! why the hell should i do that? did he ever once try to call me after i moved? no. he came up to visit one time, for my birthday. would he have even done that if i hadn't kept in touch with him? probably not. then he expects me to be there and help him out of this fucking mess that he made for himself? what the hell do i get out of it? i do feel bad that i didn't help him, but i still don't feel like i was put in a fair posission. further more it was so fucking hard to tell him i didn't want him to come up here i didn't even relay the entire message to him. i was choked up about having to tell my best friend that he wasn't welcome. now because i did such a pisspoor job he fucking hate me and wont even answer the phone when i call. how the hell am i supposed to explain my posission when i can't even talk to the bastard? oh well, maybe it's better that i lost my best friend.he was kind of a fuck up, but damn he was amussing. maybe i'll actually be able to talk to him again someday. maybe that grudge wont be there forever. yeah and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
anyway, it felt good to get that out. i'm gonna go, remember the way we used to dance, and scream at people to take off there pants. how i laugh the night away til i'm no longer lost and spaced
love, drugs, sex, violence, rock n' roll, unity, diversity, peace out, and lots of pleasant thoughts about big booty hoes with cigarettes, 40 ozer, dubes, and clowns with machettis and flying monkeys,
-spikes
p.s. i apologize about typos, misspelled words, and as far as the comments that aren't PC if there are any... aww fuck it.