Violent Dance
Well I got yelled at for fencing to violently again...
And they kept harping on me about it until I felt horrible again...
I've come to a conclusion. I checked my arm today and it was covered with scratches, bruises, and various other marks. Now I admit they hurt a little...but not enough for me to ever complain about them. It hurts then its gone. It might be possible that they never hit me as hard as I hit them....but I doubt that. Because that means either I am super strong (which I doubt) or that they are really being pussys about this. I mean I know I do have to hit softer, and I will work on it, but I'm sick of them whining everytime I hit them; holding their arm, making stupid "owie" sounds.
I would appreciate it much more if they hit me back just as hard, or at least stopped chastising me like I'm doing it on purpose, or that I can just stop it instaneously.
I KNOW I HAVE TO WORK ON IT!!!!
Erg...I'm just like at the end of my rope here. I was so frustrated that I accidently destroyed a bathroom stall at Totman....didn't know those metal poles broke so easily...
Ugh, maybe it is really all me, but I don't know what to do. Argh this is pissing me off so much, and the worst thing is...the WORST thing is that I keep winning.
Thats whats pissing me off, cuz obviously I would want to change if I kept losing because of this. But no, I'm kicking ass. I rarely ever lose anymore.
Maybe this is all subconscious stuff from when I was in highschool and I got picked on a lot...
I don't know...
But what I do know is that I don't want people scared of me, and not wanna fence me anymore cuz they're scared of getting hurt. I'm really at a dilemna here...I wish I could feel the pain I'm inflicting on them so I could compare it to the strikes they use against me.
Until that happens though....I don't know what to do....
I don't wanna be mean to them. But its so hard because their pissant attitudes are really starting to get to me. Again...maybe its just all me, and I'm completely in the fault here.
For the time being I really hate myself. I just hope I can figure out a way to change, cuz I'm sure they're getting to the point where they will just down right not like me anymore.
Urg...
And they kept harping on me about it until I felt horrible again...
I've come to a conclusion. I checked my arm today and it was covered with scratches, bruises, and various other marks. Now I admit they hurt a little...but not enough for me to ever complain about them. It hurts then its gone. It might be possible that they never hit me as hard as I hit them....but I doubt that. Because that means either I am super strong (which I doubt) or that they are really being pussys about this. I mean I know I do have to hit softer, and I will work on it, but I'm sick of them whining everytime I hit them; holding their arm, making stupid "owie" sounds.
I would appreciate it much more if they hit me back just as hard, or at least stopped chastising me like I'm doing it on purpose, or that I can just stop it instaneously.
I KNOW I HAVE TO WORK ON IT!!!!
Erg...I'm just like at the end of my rope here. I was so frustrated that I accidently destroyed a bathroom stall at Totman....didn't know those metal poles broke so easily...
Ugh, maybe it is really all me, but I don't know what to do. Argh this is pissing me off so much, and the worst thing is...the WORST thing is that I keep winning.
Thats whats pissing me off, cuz obviously I would want to change if I kept losing because of this. But no, I'm kicking ass. I rarely ever lose anymore.
Maybe this is all subconscious stuff from when I was in highschool and I got picked on a lot...
I don't know...
But what I do know is that I don't want people scared of me, and not wanna fence me anymore cuz they're scared of getting hurt. I'm really at a dilemna here...I wish I could feel the pain I'm inflicting on them so I could compare it to the strikes they use against me.
Until that happens though....I don't know what to do....
I don't wanna be mean to them. But its so hard because their pissant attitudes are really starting to get to me. Again...maybe its just all me, and I'm completely in the fault here.
For the time being I really hate myself. I just hope I can figure out a way to change, cuz I'm sure they're getting to the point where they will just down right not like me anymore.
Urg...