Growing old, together, apart.
Had a thought tonight related to a happening in my life that I figured I should probably document for posterity. Since I last really wrote in this journal a decade ago, something new has happened since that time that's pretty big.
My dad has dementia.
This whole scenario has honestly been something that scared me ever since I saw The Notebook back in the day. The idea of a loved one slowly forgetting things, losing motor skills, eventually forgetting who I am... terrifying.
Well, it's happening in my family and it's pretty rough, especially for my mom.
It started several years ago, with small signs that none of us picked up on at the time. When fixing something in my parents' bathroom, dad cut a hole in the wall rather than coming up with another fix. My mom thought it was so annoying at the time, but didn't think anything further of it.
Then when playing games with family at a holiday party, I noticed my dad was struggling to remember how to play dominoes. It's a game we've played in our family for as long as I've been alive, so it was strange that he suddenly had trouble.
On a vacation when he was driving, he accidentally turned into the wrong side of the median.
As time has gone on, it's gotten worse. He stopped woodworking because he forgot how to do it (he's been building furniture for decades). He turned left on red onto a divided highway. He crashed into a car by cutting over in lanes while turning into a parking lot. Then we got to the point where he gets lost in the house; forgets where things are; puts shirts on inside-out. Struggles to speak sometimes because he can't figure out the words.
That's just how dementia goes, I suppose. Some days are better than others, but gradually everything keeps getting worse. It's really hard to watch, and makes me feel so sad for him - and how scary it must be to try to remember things and not be able to. To be told you can't drive anymore. And likely the embarrassment of knowing people are watching and talking about your behavior.
My mom gets the brunt of it, since she's the one living there. She used to come visit me a lot and spend weekends here at my house, and we would go shopping, plant flowers, go to movies, etc. Since he's started getting really bad, she doesn't feel like she can leave him alone anymore. That's the thought I had tonight that brought up the subject and pushed me to write it out. I was thinking about how much I miss my mom's weekend trips to visit, and how we may never get those back.
Meanwhile, my grandma is also on the decline, and so mom feels pressure to help out with her as well. So she's dividing her time between the last couple of years of work before retirement, helping with my grandma, and caring for my dad. Plus she still does everyone's taxes in the family and tries her best to keep up with me and my siblings, and my niece and nephews. And because Dad is getting worse, she has to do everything around the house now, too - and appliances keep breaking, items keep getting misplaced, etc. It's so hard on her.
I also think about my grandma, and how scary it must be to know you're getting to the end of life. To be deteriorating and unable to walk and getting confused mentally. At Easter this year, she had us grandkids all take our Easter baskets home with us. In the past, we've left them there to be re-used. So I think she likely knows this is her last Easter.
But despite everything, she still knows us kids. She still tries to sneak me a $20 when I leave to go home, "for gas." It's always funny as I'm getting my coat on, or putting on my shoes, and hearing her call out/whisper, "Hey, bring me my pocketbook." Then I go over to hug her and she "sneaks" the cash into my hand. I love her so much.
And when I visit my parents, it's now tradition to find an action movie to watch with Dad. That's really all he enjoys anymore; finding a good movie to watch. So I've started bringing movies with me to watch, or trying to find something on Disney+ that he hasn't already watched a thousand times. It's still fun to be watching a movie and hear him chuckle at the superheroes cracking wise.
Growing up is hard. Watching loved ones grow old is really, really hard.
I thought it would be good to document these feelings. I hope you all are doing well and cherishing moments with your loved ones while you can, too.
My dad has dementia.
This whole scenario has honestly been something that scared me ever since I saw The Notebook back in the day. The idea of a loved one slowly forgetting things, losing motor skills, eventually forgetting who I am... terrifying.
Well, it's happening in my family and it's pretty rough, especially for my mom.
It started several years ago, with small signs that none of us picked up on at the time. When fixing something in my parents' bathroom, dad cut a hole in the wall rather than coming up with another fix. My mom thought it was so annoying at the time, but didn't think anything further of it.
Then when playing games with family at a holiday party, I noticed my dad was struggling to remember how to play dominoes. It's a game we've played in our family for as long as I've been alive, so it was strange that he suddenly had trouble.
On a vacation when he was driving, he accidentally turned into the wrong side of the median.
As time has gone on, it's gotten worse. He stopped woodworking because he forgot how to do it (he's been building furniture for decades). He turned left on red onto a divided highway. He crashed into a car by cutting over in lanes while turning into a parking lot. Then we got to the point where he gets lost in the house; forgets where things are; puts shirts on inside-out. Struggles to speak sometimes because he can't figure out the words.
That's just how dementia goes, I suppose. Some days are better than others, but gradually everything keeps getting worse. It's really hard to watch, and makes me feel so sad for him - and how scary it must be to try to remember things and not be able to. To be told you can't drive anymore. And likely the embarrassment of knowing people are watching and talking about your behavior.
My mom gets the brunt of it, since she's the one living there. She used to come visit me a lot and spend weekends here at my house, and we would go shopping, plant flowers, go to movies, etc. Since he's started getting really bad, she doesn't feel like she can leave him alone anymore. That's the thought I had tonight that brought up the subject and pushed me to write it out. I was thinking about how much I miss my mom's weekend trips to visit, and how we may never get those back.
Meanwhile, my grandma is also on the decline, and so mom feels pressure to help out with her as well. So she's dividing her time between the last couple of years of work before retirement, helping with my grandma, and caring for my dad. Plus she still does everyone's taxes in the family and tries her best to keep up with me and my siblings, and my niece and nephews. And because Dad is getting worse, she has to do everything around the house now, too - and appliances keep breaking, items keep getting misplaced, etc. It's so hard on her.
I also think about my grandma, and how scary it must be to know you're getting to the end of life. To be deteriorating and unable to walk and getting confused mentally. At Easter this year, she had us grandkids all take our Easter baskets home with us. In the past, we've left them there to be re-used. So I think she likely knows this is her last Easter.
But despite everything, she still knows us kids. She still tries to sneak me a $20 when I leave to go home, "for gas." It's always funny as I'm getting my coat on, or putting on my shoes, and hearing her call out/whisper, "Hey, bring me my pocketbook." Then I go over to hug her and she "sneaks" the cash into my hand. I love her so much.
And when I visit my parents, it's now tradition to find an action movie to watch with Dad. That's really all he enjoys anymore; finding a good movie to watch. So I've started bringing movies with me to watch, or trying to find something on Disney+ that he hasn't already watched a thousand times. It's still fun to be watching a movie and hear him chuckle at the superheroes cracking wise.
Growing up is hard. Watching loved ones grow old is really, really hard.
I thought it would be good to document these feelings. I hope you all are doing well and cherishing moments with your loved ones while you can, too.