My Tears Hold My Fears
I found this on my phone, I wrote this sometime last year? So I decided to share ^^
Through the curtains, the soft orange light of the sunset trailed its way across the mess of clothes and duvet. As the clouds moved the light spread across the room to Jin's sleeping face. With the muscles in his eye twitching, they flickered open. He blinked a few times getting used to the brightness until he could see.
A figure sat infont of the window, shadowed on its left side.. Jin sat up on his elbow and tipped his head, whispering huskily. " Kazuya... You okay?"
The figure turned away and stared out the open window. A small wind blew his hair around his shoulders. Jin shakily pushed himself up into a sitting position. Now he could see the view from the window. Outside the sunset soaked everything in an orange glow. Jin had never noticed how beautiful the city really was. But really, now he was noticing so much the before he would never have. Slowly and carefully, Jin got himself standing. He bit his lip and shut his eyes tightly. The pain had never been as strong as this before. It was an intesnse burning pain inside his chest and lungs.
Jin's hand reached out lightly touched Kame's small shoulder and whispered again. "Kazuya. Please, don't cry anymore."
Kame turned his head to face his love. Tears had drew line down his pale cheeks and his eye glistened with fresh one waiting to fall. Another small breeze wipped Kame's hair around his face, making the seen roll out like a movie. Gently, Jin slid his arm around the trembling body infront of him. Kame then grabbed Jin by his shirt, shaking. The shirt under Kame's fingers was soft but its not what Kame aimed for. He moved his hands around, searching for Jin underneith the cover of his shirt. Unbuttoning the top buttons of the shirt, Kame traced his fingertips along Jin's collarbone. The reaction that Jin once had, screaming high pitched had gone, replaced with a weak shudder. Fresh tears followed the old ones. He leaned his forehead onto Jin's exposed chest and cried.
Jin grabbed him tightly and suddenly into an embrace.
"No Jin No!" Kame sobbed. "T-they, they can't take you! I-I won't l-let them."
Jin threw him back against the window ledge in anger.
"Kazuya! What are you talking about! Don't say such stupid things."
Kame turned and grabbed the window ledge shaking and sobbing violently. "If I don't cry then the won't hear me!" He shouted.
"And if the don't hear me then they will take you away from me!"
A tear welled in Jin's eye but he wiped it away. "Kazuya... I'm not going anywhere."
Kazuya attempted to wipe away tears. "Y-yet."
Anger controlled Jin's actions as he lashed out at Kame, hitting him hard across the face. Kame fell to his knees holding his face in his hands. Jin's eyes widened as he bent down. Suddenly a sharp, lasting pain burst into his lungs. In a coughing fit Jin fell backwards onto the mess of duvet. After a while he moved his hand from his mouth. Blood dripped from his pinkey finger on the floor.
He lay for a while, until the sky went dark. It was only when Kame hugged around him was when he opened his eyes. Kame snuggled into the crook of his arm.
"Jin." He whispered horsely.
"Mm?"
"Gomena."
Jin blinked, staring at the starry sky.
"Doushite?"
"For saying stupid things."
Jin pulled Kame close. "You didn't. I understand... I should be sorry, I had no right to hit you at all."
A small laugh emerged from Kame's through. "Jin can hit me all he wants. I don't care what Jin does to me..."
Jin pulled him over gently until Kame was ontop of him. Kame's dark brown eyes stared at him. Jin stroked his cheek lovingly.
"Kazuya... Aishiteru."
Kame smiled. "Aishiteru, Bakanishi."
Jin grinned and let out a deep breath as Kame lay his head on his chest. Another long silence passed until Kame spoke again.
"One more question Jin."
"Hmm?"
Jin could feel Kame's body start to tremble again. He stroked his thumb on his back in comfort.
"W-when you.... Close your eyes.." Kame paused. "...F-forever... W-what will I do then?"
Jin didn't answer. He couldn't. Because he didn't know the answer to such a question.
***
Kame wrapped his scarf tightly around his neck and tucked it into his duffle jacket and pulled on his brown ugg boots.
"Jin!" He called. "I'm going!"
"Kazuya, wait. Let me see you."
Kame blushed a little as he entred the bedroom. He smiled brightly at Jin who was sitting up in the double bed they shared. "Your up! Lazy." He teased.
"Hey! I'm not lazy! You don't see what I do in here when your away!"
Kame giggled and crawled across the bed towards him. Jin smiled as he layed his hand around Kame's shoulders. "You look perfect, as always." He kiss Kame's forhead and nuzzled his nose. Kame leaned forwards and brushed his lips against Jin's. "Look who's talking, Mr Perfect."
Jin chuckled and tapped Kame's bum playfully. "Heh. Come on you, get that sexy ass of yours to work."
Kame giggled again before kissing Jin deeply. It was as if their warm lips were made to hold each others. It was a perfect match. A perfect match that would last forever.
But Kame knew that the time the shared together was limited. His brows furrowed as he tried to fight back his emotions, this time with much success. He broke off the kiss slowly and and stared at Jin's face. Jin looked back and smiled. "Y'know, your gonna miss the train if you hang around anymore."
Kame plastered a fake half smile across his face. He clammbered off the bed and walked towards the door. "Remember, there's chicken in the fridge from last night. I put it in a box."
"Yeah yeah I know, now get going."
Kame opened the door to leave but Jin spoke again. "Oh! Kazuya!"
Kame looked from behind the door. "Yeah?"
Jin smiled and stuck his thumb up.
"Gambatte!"
Kame nodded and left quickly befor Jin could see his tears.
He managed to arrive at the station and get on the train on time. Standing on the crammed full train, a feeling of worry and sadness hit him. It was possible that that was the last time ever, he would share a moment with Jin.
***
He was already late when he arrived at the building where today, KAT-TUN were being tv interviewed. As soon as he arrived he was ushered into the dressing room and make-up. He didn't see his bandmembers until they were lining up to make their entrance.
"Ah Kazu-chan." Ueda waved.
Kame smiled and waved back.
"Ue-chan. You okay?"
Ueda nodded. "Hai. Ah, um h-how is he?" Ueda's voice sunk at the last part of his sentance. Kame brushed it off and smiled.
"He's okay. Infact I think he's getting a bit better."
He saw Junnosuke and Koki exchange glances but he ignored it.
He knew what they thought.
Jin was never going to get better.
He turned to talk to Nakamaru.
"Ne- Maru-chan! How was dinner with your parents last night."
Nakamaru looked up and smiled brightly. "Good. They were asking for you. They say the hope you are well."
Kame opened his mouth to speak again but a signal sounded for the show to start. The host introduced them and they were told to walk out onto the set. Setting his camera smile on his face, Kame waved to the screaming crowd and camera's before sitting down closest to the host. After greeting and cheering was over it was straight down to questions.
"So, Kamenashi-san. How is the band getting on."
Kame smiled and answered the way everyone wanted him too.
"Fine really, we're getting on well with our new song."
The host nodded and moved on to ask the rest of the members questions. Kame sat and stared off into space. He hadn't had time to think until then. His first thoughts were of the man he had left sitting at home. What he was doing.
Was he sleeping? Or was he was he eating? Kame pondered on these thoughts, which might have been pointless to others. It wasn't until Junnosuke nudged him gently that he was back in the set. Kame looked to the host. "Eh?"
"Ne- Kamenashi-san was lost deeply in thought." The audience laughed as did Kame. The host then repeated his question.
"So, where's Akanishi-san?"
Kame's stomach grew tight as he answered the way Johnny himself had personally told him too.
"Akanishi-kun is unwell at the moment. But we're sure h-he'll be back soon." Kame was sure everyone heard the tremble in his voice as the whole studio fell quiet.
The host nodded and flipped over the card he held in his hand. A small smile appeared on his lips.
"Ah. Let's hope he gets better soon then! We need the A back in KAT-TUN."
The interveiw then moved from Kame to the other members. This gave Kame more time to think about Jin. He wanted to treat Jin, but he had no idea what to do. He couldn't really take him out far, and flowers were slightly girly. He zoned out for a while until he heared the studio in an uproar with laughter. He looked around confused. He turned to the host who was also laughing.
"I guess its true then."
More laughing arose. Kame was more confused than ever.
"W-whats true?" He asked.
The host smiled at him.
"AKame."
Kame stared at him. He had heard this phrase before. It was used by fans, for him and Jin. But somehow being formally told it, it angered him. "What?"
The host laughed again.
"Is it true that you and Jin are what should we called it.... 'Friends with benefits'?"
It was too far and everyone knew but the man who had just said it.
Kame suddenly stood up and glared at the host.
"How dare you suggest something so vile."
The man continued to laugh as If it was still all a joke.
"Well, you didn't deny it."
Kame's blood was boiling. He wasn't prepared to stand for what was being said to him. The anger was about to explode from him.
"No, Jin and I arnt fuck buddies."
The studio grew quiet again. This time in shock. Even the host shut up. Suddenly something inside Kame snapped. He wasnt going to hide anymore.
"Y'know what. Do you want the truth, I bet you do. Well here it is!
Yes, I have slept with Akanishi Jin! Yes I have kissed Akanishi Jin! And do you know what!? Every day for the rest of my fucking life I am going to love Akainishi Jin! I don't care what anyone thinks or says anymore! I'm in love with Akanishi Jin and nothing will ever change that! Not even death!"
With that Kame ran from the studio to the front door of the building. He was going home. Home to the man he loved and always would.
Jin had only just sat himself on the soft sofa when he heard the door slam. Kame couldn't be finished the interview that fast. But there he was standing in the door way with scarlett cheeks from the cold. "K-Kazuya? Your back?"
Kame ran towards him and hugd him tightly. "I t-told ev-every- nhhg... I-I."
Jin held his lover in his weaker arms, rocking him slightly.
"Shhh. Kazuya." He soothed.
"Calm down..."
Kame wiped his eyes and held Jin tightly. "I've t-told e-everyone.. A-about us. O-our relationship."
Jin paused for a moment but then replied. "I'm sure the guys will understand."
Kame shook his head violently.
"No! Not just them.." Tears began flowing again. "T-the whole world knows Jin. I-I s-said it l-live. I'm sorry! Gomenasai!"
Jin tried to take in what Kame had said to him while comforting the latter. The whole world knows about the romantic relationship between two of Japan's most popular idols? The relationship that every fangirl wished for? And now it was out in the open...
Through the curtains, the soft orange light of the sunset trailed its way across the mess of clothes and duvet. As the clouds moved the light spread across the room to Jin's sleeping face. With the muscles in his eye twitching, they flickered open. He blinked a few times getting used to the brightness until he could see.
A figure sat infont of the window, shadowed on its left side.. Jin sat up on his elbow and tipped his head, whispering huskily. " Kazuya... You okay?"
The figure turned away and stared out the open window. A small wind blew his hair around his shoulders. Jin shakily pushed himself up into a sitting position. Now he could see the view from the window. Outside the sunset soaked everything in an orange glow. Jin had never noticed how beautiful the city really was. But really, now he was noticing so much the before he would never have. Slowly and carefully, Jin got himself standing. He bit his lip and shut his eyes tightly. The pain had never been as strong as this before. It was an intesnse burning pain inside his chest and lungs.
Jin's hand reached out lightly touched Kame's small shoulder and whispered again. "Kazuya. Please, don't cry anymore."
Kame turned his head to face his love. Tears had drew line down his pale cheeks and his eye glistened with fresh one waiting to fall. Another small breeze wipped Kame's hair around his face, making the seen roll out like a movie. Gently, Jin slid his arm around the trembling body infront of him. Kame then grabbed Jin by his shirt, shaking. The shirt under Kame's fingers was soft but its not what Kame aimed for. He moved his hands around, searching for Jin underneith the cover of his shirt. Unbuttoning the top buttons of the shirt, Kame traced his fingertips along Jin's collarbone. The reaction that Jin once had, screaming high pitched had gone, replaced with a weak shudder. Fresh tears followed the old ones. He leaned his forehead onto Jin's exposed chest and cried.
Jin grabbed him tightly and suddenly into an embrace.
"No Jin No!" Kame sobbed. "T-they, they can't take you! I-I won't l-let them."
Jin threw him back against the window ledge in anger.
"Kazuya! What are you talking about! Don't say such stupid things."
Kame turned and grabbed the window ledge shaking and sobbing violently. "If I don't cry then the won't hear me!" He shouted.
"And if the don't hear me then they will take you away from me!"
A tear welled in Jin's eye but he wiped it away. "Kazuya... I'm not going anywhere."
Kazuya attempted to wipe away tears. "Y-yet."
Anger controlled Jin's actions as he lashed out at Kame, hitting him hard across the face. Kame fell to his knees holding his face in his hands. Jin's eyes widened as he bent down. Suddenly a sharp, lasting pain burst into his lungs. In a coughing fit Jin fell backwards onto the mess of duvet. After a while he moved his hand from his mouth. Blood dripped from his pinkey finger on the floor.
He lay for a while, until the sky went dark. It was only when Kame hugged around him was when he opened his eyes. Kame snuggled into the crook of his arm.
"Jin." He whispered horsely.
"Mm?"
"Gomena."
Jin blinked, staring at the starry sky.
"Doushite?"
"For saying stupid things."
Jin pulled Kame close. "You didn't. I understand... I should be sorry, I had no right to hit you at all."
A small laugh emerged from Kame's through. "Jin can hit me all he wants. I don't care what Jin does to me..."
Jin pulled him over gently until Kame was ontop of him. Kame's dark brown eyes stared at him. Jin stroked his cheek lovingly.
"Kazuya... Aishiteru."
Kame smiled. "Aishiteru, Bakanishi."
Jin grinned and let out a deep breath as Kame lay his head on his chest. Another long silence passed until Kame spoke again.
"One more question Jin."
"Hmm?"
Jin could feel Kame's body start to tremble again. He stroked his thumb on his back in comfort.
"W-when you.... Close your eyes.." Kame paused. "...F-forever... W-what will I do then?"
Jin didn't answer. He couldn't. Because he didn't know the answer to such a question.
***
Kame wrapped his scarf tightly around his neck and tucked it into his duffle jacket and pulled on his brown ugg boots.
"Jin!" He called. "I'm going!"
"Kazuya, wait. Let me see you."
Kame blushed a little as he entred the bedroom. He smiled brightly at Jin who was sitting up in the double bed they shared. "Your up! Lazy." He teased.
"Hey! I'm not lazy! You don't see what I do in here when your away!"
Kame giggled and crawled across the bed towards him. Jin smiled as he layed his hand around Kame's shoulders. "You look perfect, as always." He kiss Kame's forhead and nuzzled his nose. Kame leaned forwards and brushed his lips against Jin's. "Look who's talking, Mr Perfect."
Jin chuckled and tapped Kame's bum playfully. "Heh. Come on you, get that sexy ass of yours to work."
Kame giggled again before kissing Jin deeply. It was as if their warm lips were made to hold each others. It was a perfect match. A perfect match that would last forever.
But Kame knew that the time the shared together was limited. His brows furrowed as he tried to fight back his emotions, this time with much success. He broke off the kiss slowly and and stared at Jin's face. Jin looked back and smiled. "Y'know, your gonna miss the train if you hang around anymore."
Kame plastered a fake half smile across his face. He clammbered off the bed and walked towards the door. "Remember, there's chicken in the fridge from last night. I put it in a box."
"Yeah yeah I know, now get going."
Kame opened the door to leave but Jin spoke again. "Oh! Kazuya!"
Kame looked from behind the door. "Yeah?"
Jin smiled and stuck his thumb up.
"Gambatte!"
Kame nodded and left quickly befor Jin could see his tears.
He managed to arrive at the station and get on the train on time. Standing on the crammed full train, a feeling of worry and sadness hit him. It was possible that that was the last time ever, he would share a moment with Jin.
***
He was already late when he arrived at the building where today, KAT-TUN were being tv interviewed. As soon as he arrived he was ushered into the dressing room and make-up. He didn't see his bandmembers until they were lining up to make their entrance.
"Ah Kazu-chan." Ueda waved.
Kame smiled and waved back.
"Ue-chan. You okay?"
Ueda nodded. "Hai. Ah, um h-how is he?" Ueda's voice sunk at the last part of his sentance. Kame brushed it off and smiled.
"He's okay. Infact I think he's getting a bit better."
He saw Junnosuke and Koki exchange glances but he ignored it.
He knew what they thought.
Jin was never going to get better.
He turned to talk to Nakamaru.
"Ne- Maru-chan! How was dinner with your parents last night."
Nakamaru looked up and smiled brightly. "Good. They were asking for you. They say the hope you are well."
Kame opened his mouth to speak again but a signal sounded for the show to start. The host introduced them and they were told to walk out onto the set. Setting his camera smile on his face, Kame waved to the screaming crowd and camera's before sitting down closest to the host. After greeting and cheering was over it was straight down to questions.
"So, Kamenashi-san. How is the band getting on."
Kame smiled and answered the way everyone wanted him too.
"Fine really, we're getting on well with our new song."
The host nodded and moved on to ask the rest of the members questions. Kame sat and stared off into space. He hadn't had time to think until then. His first thoughts were of the man he had left sitting at home. What he was doing.
Was he sleeping? Or was he was he eating? Kame pondered on these thoughts, which might have been pointless to others. It wasn't until Junnosuke nudged him gently that he was back in the set. Kame looked to the host. "Eh?"
"Ne- Kamenashi-san was lost deeply in thought." The audience laughed as did Kame. The host then repeated his question.
"So, where's Akanishi-san?"
Kame's stomach grew tight as he answered the way Johnny himself had personally told him too.
"Akanishi-kun is unwell at the moment. But we're sure h-he'll be back soon." Kame was sure everyone heard the tremble in his voice as the whole studio fell quiet.
The host nodded and flipped over the card he held in his hand. A small smile appeared on his lips.
"Ah. Let's hope he gets better soon then! We need the A back in KAT-TUN."
The interveiw then moved from Kame to the other members. This gave Kame more time to think about Jin. He wanted to treat Jin, but he had no idea what to do. He couldn't really take him out far, and flowers were slightly girly. He zoned out for a while until he heared the studio in an uproar with laughter. He looked around confused. He turned to the host who was also laughing.
"I guess its true then."
More laughing arose. Kame was more confused than ever.
"W-whats true?" He asked.
The host smiled at him.
"AKame."
Kame stared at him. He had heard this phrase before. It was used by fans, for him and Jin. But somehow being formally told it, it angered him. "What?"
The host laughed again.
"Is it true that you and Jin are what should we called it.... 'Friends with benefits'?"
It was too far and everyone knew but the man who had just said it.
Kame suddenly stood up and glared at the host.
"How dare you suggest something so vile."
The man continued to laugh as If it was still all a joke.
"Well, you didn't deny it."
Kame's blood was boiling. He wasn't prepared to stand for what was being said to him. The anger was about to explode from him.
"No, Jin and I arnt fuck buddies."
The studio grew quiet again. This time in shock. Even the host shut up. Suddenly something inside Kame snapped. He wasnt going to hide anymore.
"Y'know what. Do you want the truth, I bet you do. Well here it is!
Yes, I have slept with Akanishi Jin! Yes I have kissed Akanishi Jin! And do you know what!? Every day for the rest of my fucking life I am going to love Akainishi Jin! I don't care what anyone thinks or says anymore! I'm in love with Akanishi Jin and nothing will ever change that! Not even death!"
With that Kame ran from the studio to the front door of the building. He was going home. Home to the man he loved and always would.
Jin had only just sat himself on the soft sofa when he heard the door slam. Kame couldn't be finished the interview that fast. But there he was standing in the door way with scarlett cheeks from the cold. "K-Kazuya? Your back?"
Kame ran towards him and hugd him tightly. "I t-told ev-every- nhhg... I-I."
Jin held his lover in his weaker arms, rocking him slightly.
"Shhh. Kazuya." He soothed.
"Calm down..."
Kame wiped his eyes and held Jin tightly. "I've t-told e-everyone.. A-about us. O-our relationship."
Jin paused for a moment but then replied. "I'm sure the guys will understand."
Kame shook his head violently.
"No! Not just them.." Tears began flowing again. "T-the whole world knows Jin. I-I s-said it l-live. I'm sorry! Gomenasai!"
Jin tried to take in what Kame had said to him while comforting the latter. The whole world knows about the romantic relationship between two of Japan's most popular idols? The relationship that every fangirl wished for? And now it was out in the open...