new years eve in losungeles n it starts off with a verbal fight of the century...
last night we argued...this morning we tried to mend things n we argued worse than we did yesterday.
told my wife i felt alone, she told me she didnt mean to make me feel that way...but all we did was argue and i was cussing my head off...i have never cussed soo much till i met her.
i cussed to the point of her saying she hated me a million times and that i am the biggest hypocrite.
dang this Christian life is tough...
i feel i have the worst of it:
- brother gets shot point blank(n i cant do anything about it but punch myself in the inside), while mother could have been killed too. currently, she lives in the same dang apartment(which my uncle co-owns n his ass hasnt done anything to help her move out, which he could with his sons and a million ppl he knows, but he dont give a selfish shit...seriously, he offers a wedding reception with no ties to it...i can hardly believe that...), where my brother was shot n could have died, thank You God for the miracle...tried to get her out of the apt by speaking with her over the phone, yet she lies n says shes moving n then shes not...no one is helping her...argh!
- aunt steph dies, and i wanted to c her back in new york, but i guess my uncle was embarrassed of her situation and it didnt happen, or perhaps, she didnt want to c anyone in the condition she was in.
- my mom's mom dies...my mom didnt know till i surprised her that her own mom died via my cousin informing me on fb.
- i lose a job because i saw something suspicious by management i believe...n the very next day i get fired.
- i lose a job because ppl straight up hating on me (managers, who r asian, hating on asian...the white gy hired me and he was fired shortly afterwards bcuz he didnt fit in) for no particular reason n later firing me saying "i dont fit their culture." sure...i was one of the hardest working ppl there.
- i failed a county test, which would have been a nice paying job with benefits...yet my stupidity prevails.
- an uncle,(who i might c on holidays) who doesnt give a shit but cares for himself n his well-being, bossing me like im some kind of slave with no respect to my person. saying im like his son when i first moved here to everyone making it look pretty when he doesnt give a bowl of shit.
God forgive me...
now, we might have to rely on gov't assistance if we even get any.
my wife says she cant forgive me cause i put our child at risk with this argument. she cant forgive me and i pray that that baby is healthy and okay...i feel so bad and alone.
like that dumb drawing i drew back in school...where, i didnt care what others though...drawing myself on a planet far far away with my head low in a crouched position on the shaded sign of the planet...feeling all alone. i feel that way...
i feel like crap...argh...only one i should b mad at is myself...how can i b a good father in this mess, how can i b a provider when i can barely support or morelike cant support myself, what r my goals n dreams, what am i here for Dearest God...y not take us away as easily as You could n just wipe our minds like men in black and make us forget to even remember anything in our life...
does all this suffering just lead a pathway to hell...or what? i dare not dream of it...i know Jesus that You care more than that...God help me to believe.
please help my wife to forgive me, and help me drastically change for the better...please.
i pray our life changes attitudunally( i kno made up word) towards each other bcuz tha last thing i want to do is cuss at my wife like i was hulk, help me to share my concerns n feelings so that i wont b soo passive aggressive in this life, help me to suck in my pride and selfish feelings and throw them out with the dump, pray that i can b more empathetic towards my wonderful wife n her pregnancy, to b a provider protector for my wife, baby n dog, n whomever else may b in our lives, pray for non-judgemental support with other friends and to no be surfacy(?) and honesty in sharing about life n its troubles, to b grateful with whatever is given us n thankful of the blessings, to be compassionate...help me fight this anger in me, kill the old me...i dont want it nemore...kill it oh God...kill it.
i know Christ, You r there and love us...
help us...help me from being soo angry at this world...help me to smile again, Amen.
told my wife i felt alone, she told me she didnt mean to make me feel that way...but all we did was argue and i was cussing my head off...i have never cussed soo much till i met her.
i cussed to the point of her saying she hated me a million times and that i am the biggest hypocrite.
dang this Christian life is tough...
i feel i have the worst of it:
- brother gets shot point blank(n i cant do anything about it but punch myself in the inside), while mother could have been killed too. currently, she lives in the same dang apartment(which my uncle co-owns n his ass hasnt done anything to help her move out, which he could with his sons and a million ppl he knows, but he dont give a selfish shit...seriously, he offers a wedding reception with no ties to it...i can hardly believe that...), where my brother was shot n could have died, thank You God for the miracle...tried to get her out of the apt by speaking with her over the phone, yet she lies n says shes moving n then shes not...no one is helping her...argh!
- aunt steph dies, and i wanted to c her back in new york, but i guess my uncle was embarrassed of her situation and it didnt happen, or perhaps, she didnt want to c anyone in the condition she was in.
- my mom's mom dies...my mom didnt know till i surprised her that her own mom died via my cousin informing me on fb.
- i lose a job because i saw something suspicious by management i believe...n the very next day i get fired.
- i lose a job because ppl straight up hating on me (managers, who r asian, hating on asian...the white gy hired me and he was fired shortly afterwards bcuz he didnt fit in) for no particular reason n later firing me saying "i dont fit their culture." sure...i was one of the hardest working ppl there.
- i failed a county test, which would have been a nice paying job with benefits...yet my stupidity prevails.
- an uncle,(who i might c on holidays) who doesnt give a shit but cares for himself n his well-being, bossing me like im some kind of slave with no respect to my person. saying im like his son when i first moved here to everyone making it look pretty when he doesnt give a bowl of shit.
God forgive me...
now, we might have to rely on gov't assistance if we even get any.
my wife says she cant forgive me cause i put our child at risk with this argument. she cant forgive me and i pray that that baby is healthy and okay...i feel so bad and alone.
like that dumb drawing i drew back in school...where, i didnt care what others though...drawing myself on a planet far far away with my head low in a crouched position on the shaded sign of the planet...feeling all alone. i feel that way...
i feel like crap...argh...only one i should b mad at is myself...how can i b a good father in this mess, how can i b a provider when i can barely support or morelike cant support myself, what r my goals n dreams, what am i here for Dearest God...y not take us away as easily as You could n just wipe our minds like men in black and make us forget to even remember anything in our life...
does all this suffering just lead a pathway to hell...or what? i dare not dream of it...i know Jesus that You care more than that...God help me to believe.
please help my wife to forgive me, and help me drastically change for the better...please.
i pray our life changes attitudunally( i kno made up word) towards each other bcuz tha last thing i want to do is cuss at my wife like i was hulk, help me to share my concerns n feelings so that i wont b soo passive aggressive in this life, help me to suck in my pride and selfish feelings and throw them out with the dump, pray that i can b more empathetic towards my wonderful wife n her pregnancy, to b a provider protector for my wife, baby n dog, n whomever else may b in our lives, pray for non-judgemental support with other friends and to no be surfacy(?) and honesty in sharing about life n its troubles, to b grateful with whatever is given us n thankful of the blessings, to be compassionate...help me fight this anger in me, kill the old me...i dont want it nemore...kill it oh God...kill it.
i know Christ, You r there and love us...
help us...help me from being soo angry at this world...help me to smile again, Amen.