Suffering, and stresses
While going through life, most "normal" people are constantly subjected to the peaks and valleys that come with living. I know firsthand about life and how it can throw you a curve ball in an instant and derail everything you thought you had going right. I also know that things turn around. Life is as cyclical as the seasons and if you can hold on and keep your footing, things will tend to right themselves. I'm a firm believer in this mainly because I've seen it work. I've seen it happen and I'm living it.
The suffering we go through is what makes us who we are. The suffering moments when we worry about paying a stupid bill or making rent are the moments we look back on and appreciate where we've ended up, at times that is. Unless we're back in that situation. Then at that moment it feels like we've never gotten out of that situation.
This month I spent too much money. We both have. But we had fun and I would only change a few things I spent money on, but not much. Money will come again, in about 6 days to be exact, so things will work out.
I have been working so much at work on my own now, that I have a pretty confident feeling I'll get a raise in the next month or two and have a small fantasy that a bonus check could arrive someday, who knows? I'm optimistic. I bust my ass and do great work. I'm a natural I think at some of the stuff I'm doing. It still makes me long to get into graphic design work and be able to create and deliver "art" as a job. This is a goal I'm not soon abandoning, so don't make assumptions about my happiness in my current job. Although it's good to do well and perform and enjoy what you are doing I think at all times when you can. And I am doing just that. This job rocks at times and is challenging at times and even sucks some moments. But mostly, it's very easy to think about jobs I've had in the last 4 years and just smile a shit eating grin as I program somebody's Treo Phone in an air conditioned office one day. :D The job is good.
Burningman's plans have been all over the place for me this year. I should say me and Gabby, as we'll be camping together this year. We'll be camping alone, with 30,000 other people. What this means is we aren't going to camp with our gang of friends and new people that will be hosting Kathanika this year. I've personally camped there the last 2 years, and have camped elsewhere the 4 or so other years I've gone, so it's a good time to change it up and camp with Gabs. I'm a picky person and very controlling in terms of camping and eating and organizing my shit. I think Gabby fits in well with a lot of that. She has her likes and I have mine and this passed weekend in Berryessa was a delightful trip that revealed that. More on this.. So we will be setting up our own little tent and canopy setup in some random open space this year. We already have some simple ideas for it and I'm very excited at the simplicity of it and the opportunity to do it all together with her.
So this weekend Gabby and I drove up to Lake Berryessa. We camped out among a bunch of other campers and families and had an awesome time. We almost rented a boat, but some fuckface guy talked me out of it and we had kind of a shitty time fishing at first. Then later we layed around in the water and I think I saw Gabs smile and get happy all of a sudden. Later Saturday night we had some wine and tried our hand at fishing again and Gabby was the big winner when she landed a Sacramento Squawfish.
Here's the Lake Berryessa Weekend Pics Look at that fish!!!!!!!
On Sunday we braved the public showers and then headed back to Berkeley where we relaxed and then had a lovely evening at our sushi spot.
Oh yah, we both got burned to a crisp, and not because we didn't coat with sunscreen. I think laying in the water for 2 or 3 hours in the sun will burn you with any amount of sunscreen on. I dunno. It stings and itches, but it's not too bad today.
I'm having a mental block on some days when I try to think about where to go to school right now. I'm not sure if I should try and get school going near home, meaning I have to leave in time to make it to class, or get school near where I'm usually working, which would mean driving home late from a further distance away. I'm struggling with this decision. I'm also struggling with knowing where I should end up transferring after I do my low level colleging. I guess it doesn't matter, most classes probably transfer and from most colleges in the area. I've enrolled in Berkeley City College, but need to turn in my paperwork and look at the classes first before I dive in completely. The other thought was San Ramon Valley College, which is an extension of DVC sort of. So I'm not sure. I wish I could just go to school fulltime some days.
I think about my goals and where I'm at right now and other possibilities and it's hard to know what to do. My main goals are to pay off my credit cards, continue going to school, and enjoy life traveling and doing fun stuff with Gabby. Those are pretty good goals and very simple I think. I think the credit cards are the main priority. The only problem is that I keep falling back on them when i want to do some things. I don't feel completely horrible about it though. I justify it because I want to do shit and if they let me do those things, then so be it. Fuck it. I'd rather get some more debt and live a little until I get it together a little more.
Right now I'm very happy to be in Berkeley, living with Gabby, and haven't even tried to break the surface of things to do and things to see and people to meet. I think a bit of the reason behind that is Gabby's work schedule and my fear of leaving the house alone and I'm kinda broke. We are also on total opposite schedules, which at times sucks, but we've been doing totally awesome stuff on weekend romps and some late night weekdays(chinese food and ruby skye nights), so it's definitely been tons of fun. I think it'd be even cooler if we didn't have to plan around my work or her work and were on a similar schedule some days, but I think that may happen at some point down the road and things are super right now even with that.
I won't pretend that I'm living in a fantasy world where everything in my life is perfect. It's not like that. I'm not always 100% content and satisfied in my days, but I'm definitely in a happy zone. I'm happy because the things I have going are great and the future could be even greater. I'm in love with Gabby and I like her. I like her a lot. Every day I wake up and get to roll over and kiss her on the shoulder and it makes me giddy as schoolboy. I've admired her from afar for so long, it's still surreal having her in my life. I'm thankful. *gush gush gush, blah blah blah* We've had some great talks late into the night a few times. She's not always opening up and dumping her feelings and thoughts to me, which is fine, that's her way of dealing with some things and that is fine. I'm the same way sometimes. I feel like I'm the best person to deal with my problems and don't need to share them, so sometimes I say nothing. I think it makes it that much more special when we do get to ponder a bit more deeply on some things. We are both argumentative at times and that's fine too, we have opinions and like to express them and be heard.
Daft Punk this Friday and I feel kind of shitty that I haven't paid for my ticket. I just wish my bank account could fast forward to the first of the month, so I could paypal that back. Not to mention all the other money I owe people. Ugh. And the IRS. I wonder how someone else would handle my problems?
Next weekend, and maybe this coming weekend I'm going to be working on my little project that I've wasted months not doing. It could be done in one day, the photo portion, then I have some major editing and organizing work to do. But I'm excited and nervous about it. I'm just glad to be in the mindset that I'll be getting back to it soon.
So, this life. Live it. Suffer, hate, fear, worry, smile, cry, love, be happy and try. Just keep on trying. Do something new, don't give up and keep it going. I am, and I don't have any special powers that you don't.
The suffering we go through is what makes us who we are. The suffering moments when we worry about paying a stupid bill or making rent are the moments we look back on and appreciate where we've ended up, at times that is. Unless we're back in that situation. Then at that moment it feels like we've never gotten out of that situation.
This month I spent too much money. We both have. But we had fun and I would only change a few things I spent money on, but not much. Money will come again, in about 6 days to be exact, so things will work out.
I have been working so much at work on my own now, that I have a pretty confident feeling I'll get a raise in the next month or two and have a small fantasy that a bonus check could arrive someday, who knows? I'm optimistic. I bust my ass and do great work. I'm a natural I think at some of the stuff I'm doing. It still makes me long to get into graphic design work and be able to create and deliver "art" as a job. This is a goal I'm not soon abandoning, so don't make assumptions about my happiness in my current job. Although it's good to do well and perform and enjoy what you are doing I think at all times when you can. And I am doing just that. This job rocks at times and is challenging at times and even sucks some moments. But mostly, it's very easy to think about jobs I've had in the last 4 years and just smile a shit eating grin as I program somebody's Treo Phone in an air conditioned office one day. :D The job is good.
Burningman's plans have been all over the place for me this year. I should say me and Gabby, as we'll be camping together this year. We'll be camping alone, with 30,000 other people. What this means is we aren't going to camp with our gang of friends and new people that will be hosting Kathanika this year. I've personally camped there the last 2 years, and have camped elsewhere the 4 or so other years I've gone, so it's a good time to change it up and camp with Gabs. I'm a picky person and very controlling in terms of camping and eating and organizing my shit. I think Gabby fits in well with a lot of that. She has her likes and I have mine and this passed weekend in Berryessa was a delightful trip that revealed that. More on this.. So we will be setting up our own little tent and canopy setup in some random open space this year. We already have some simple ideas for it and I'm very excited at the simplicity of it and the opportunity to do it all together with her.
So this weekend Gabby and I drove up to Lake Berryessa. We camped out among a bunch of other campers and families and had an awesome time. We almost rented a boat, but some fuckface guy talked me out of it and we had kind of a shitty time fishing at first. Then later we layed around in the water and I think I saw Gabs smile and get happy all of a sudden. Later Saturday night we had some wine and tried our hand at fishing again and Gabby was the big winner when she landed a Sacramento Squawfish.
Here's the Lake Berryessa Weekend Pics Look at that fish!!!!!!!
On Sunday we braved the public showers and then headed back to Berkeley where we relaxed and then had a lovely evening at our sushi spot.
Oh yah, we both got burned to a crisp, and not because we didn't coat with sunscreen. I think laying in the water for 2 or 3 hours in the sun will burn you with any amount of sunscreen on. I dunno. It stings and itches, but it's not too bad today.
I'm having a mental block on some days when I try to think about where to go to school right now. I'm not sure if I should try and get school going near home, meaning I have to leave in time to make it to class, or get school near where I'm usually working, which would mean driving home late from a further distance away. I'm struggling with this decision. I'm also struggling with knowing where I should end up transferring after I do my low level colleging. I guess it doesn't matter, most classes probably transfer and from most colleges in the area. I've enrolled in Berkeley City College, but need to turn in my paperwork and look at the classes first before I dive in completely. The other thought was San Ramon Valley College, which is an extension of DVC sort of. So I'm not sure. I wish I could just go to school fulltime some days.
I think about my goals and where I'm at right now and other possibilities and it's hard to know what to do. My main goals are to pay off my credit cards, continue going to school, and enjoy life traveling and doing fun stuff with Gabby. Those are pretty good goals and very simple I think. I think the credit cards are the main priority. The only problem is that I keep falling back on them when i want to do some things. I don't feel completely horrible about it though. I justify it because I want to do shit and if they let me do those things, then so be it. Fuck it. I'd rather get some more debt and live a little until I get it together a little more.
Right now I'm very happy to be in Berkeley, living with Gabby, and haven't even tried to break the surface of things to do and things to see and people to meet. I think a bit of the reason behind that is Gabby's work schedule and my fear of leaving the house alone and I'm kinda broke. We are also on total opposite schedules, which at times sucks, but we've been doing totally awesome stuff on weekend romps and some late night weekdays(chinese food and ruby skye nights), so it's definitely been tons of fun. I think it'd be even cooler if we didn't have to plan around my work or her work and were on a similar schedule some days, but I think that may happen at some point down the road and things are super right now even with that.
I won't pretend that I'm living in a fantasy world where everything in my life is perfect. It's not like that. I'm not always 100% content and satisfied in my days, but I'm definitely in a happy zone. I'm happy because the things I have going are great and the future could be even greater. I'm in love with Gabby and I like her. I like her a lot. Every day I wake up and get to roll over and kiss her on the shoulder and it makes me giddy as schoolboy. I've admired her from afar for so long, it's still surreal having her in my life. I'm thankful. *gush gush gush, blah blah blah* We've had some great talks late into the night a few times. She's not always opening up and dumping her feelings and thoughts to me, which is fine, that's her way of dealing with some things and that is fine. I'm the same way sometimes. I feel like I'm the best person to deal with my problems and don't need to share them, so sometimes I say nothing. I think it makes it that much more special when we do get to ponder a bit more deeply on some things. We are both argumentative at times and that's fine too, we have opinions and like to express them and be heard.
Daft Punk this Friday and I feel kind of shitty that I haven't paid for my ticket. I just wish my bank account could fast forward to the first of the month, so I could paypal that back. Not to mention all the other money I owe people. Ugh. And the IRS. I wonder how someone else would handle my problems?
Next weekend, and maybe this coming weekend I'm going to be working on my little project that I've wasted months not doing. It could be done in one day, the photo portion, then I have some major editing and organizing work to do. But I'm excited and nervous about it. I'm just glad to be in the mindset that I'll be getting back to it soon.
So, this life. Live it. Suffer, hate, fear, worry, smile, cry, love, be happy and try. Just keep on trying. Do something new, don't give up and keep it going. I am, and I don't have any special powers that you don't.