The Beast And The Fairy -- 08. Metamorphosis
Title: The Beast And The Fairy -- Chapter 08. Metamorphosis
Authors: sphinxofthenile and _ice_lady_
Fandom: Buck-Tick, Der Zibet
Pairing: Atsushi/Issay... eventually.
Rating: NC17 altogether, though we're far away from porn.
Disclaimer: Do not own. Make no money. Mean no harm.
Summary: "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody." ~ Herbert Bayard Swope
Warning: A decade of UST. Adult topics like marriage, cheating, prostitution, coming out, mental disorders, drinking problems, abuse, parental issues and death.
A/N: Credits can be seen, in their entirety, here. Thanks to chibipinkbunny for cheering us on and being remarkable help in all things grammar and common sense!
You smile gently, you’re gorgeous
It’s like even the end of the world isn’t frightening
When love ends in madness, the obscene honey flows
Glittering eyes searching for strangeness
The children sing a finale
Henshin Reborn, Sakurai Atsushi
---
Tokyo, August 1990
Atsushi had no idea how much he’d missed this. No idea at all. There they were, he and Issay, seated in some restaurant Issay had reserved a table in just for this occasion (or so the man had said so himself), nobody else bothering them as they discussed... Berlin. Or more precisely, Atsushi talked while Issay smoked his cigarette and listened, smiling that little smile that was making Atsushi so horribly happy.
“I really, really didn’t want to mess with the composition...”
“Smart.” Issay nodded approvingly, and why was Atsushi so happy to get approval from that man? Approval about things that meant nothing to him, of course.
“You should’ve seen the guy’s face.” Atsushi chuckled. “Later on the translator told me that she’d overheard him ranting to someone how, generally, when they get the opportunity to do covers for big bands, everyone always interferes and tries to tell him what to do.”
“Yeah, because playing an electric guitar totally makes you capable of conducting a chamber orchestra,” Issay added rather dryly and Atsushi chuckled. “So, what on earth did you do there the entire stay?”
“Played the stereotypical dumb foreigner?” Atsushi said and Issay laughed, definitely a bit too loudly for this restaurant, but god forbid if Atsushi didn’t miss that sound. And wanted to hear it over and over again. “Well, they kind of wanted to get everything approved by me. So I just... played the dumb foreigner until someone had to make a call.”
“You’re making me so jealous, you have no idea,” Issay added with a smile, taking one long drag of his cigarette. Oh god, did Atsushi miss those smiles.
“It would’ve been so nice to have you there,” he blurted out, wanting to shoot himself for his own stupidity once he realised what he’d actually said. It was time to take another sip of his wine, so it seemed. Even though, on second thought, that was probably the wrong solution for Atsushi’s problem long term, but at least it soothed his rather dry throat at once. “What about your album? Done, right?” There was surely an award out there for sucking at changing topics, and Atsushi was going to receive it any day now. Definitely.
Issay snorted, making the smallest of eye rolls as he tapped the excess smoke from his cigarette into the ashtray. “Been fighting the management for about two weeks now regarding the cover,” he said.
“Nice,” Atsushi said with enough sarcasm, and Issay chuckled.
“You’re telling me?” He gasped in a rather mocking fashion. “I mean, there I was thinking that I deserved a certain amount of credit at this point. But these old bastards, they really don’t give a rat’s ass about that one. To think how much money they already made on us, and yet they still fight us tooth and nail if we just happen to step half a foot outside their comfort zone. Really pathetic at this point.” Issay stopped, looking at Atsushi with something that could only be called puppy eyes. And he even dared adding a few innocent blinks to the mix. “Sorry.” He bit his upper lip.
“Oh, come on. No need to apologise,” Atsushi offered with a smile of his own. “You can’t believe how many times I wished I had someone to rant to about some things going on in the studio. Good god...” He snorted. “No time to actually make any friends, and I really don’t want to give Imai a heart attack. I may not like him most of the time, but I don’t hate him as much.”
“Uhh... lost me there,” Issay said, leaning a bit closer to the table as he stubbed his cigarette into the ashtray. “I hope there’s not some bad blood between you... or?”
“Oh, nothing like that,” Atsushi said, taking hold of his wine glass again. “I still think he’s convinced I’m going to dump the band for the next best thing any day now.”
“Why, is that some kind of a habit of yours?” Regardless how much Issay tried to make the question sound casual, Atsushi had no problems connecting the words to that little incident with Yutaka. Or it was all in his head, and he was feeling guilty even though he didn’t have any reason to feel guilty whatsoever. Or so he kept on telling himself.
“Runs in the family,” Atsushi said dryly, hating himself immensely for it.
Issay did look curious, but was kind enough not to prod. Still, Atsushi decided to turn it into a joke, chuckling, simply because it was easier than actually having to address certain matters that definitely bothered him. In regards to Issay of course, but Atsushi wasn’t crazy, he knew damned well this was all in his head first and foremost.
“Not the band, though. No.” Never the band, really, regardless of what they might think of him anyway. “So, about that song...” Not the greatest change of topic, but at least Issay didn’t seem offended.
Just confused for a few seconds until his lips spread into a little smile. “Oh, that...” He chuckled. “I haven’t really set anything. Didn’t want to, before asking you.” Atsushi just nodded and Issay smiled some more. “Already started working on some projects for next year. If the management ever lets us. But if you’re up to it, I really hoped for a duet. And besides, Naomi would have a heart attack, and we both know it,” he added with a grin.
“That’d be the day.” Atsushi chuckled, feeling almost relieved with the realisation that Issay still wanted to do this. Such a silly thing, really, and he kept on smiling mostly at himself. “Her place at the usual time?”
“I’ll be looking forward to it.” Issay nodded. “Now, how about we order another bottle of wine and you tell me everything about Aida?”
Atsushi’s smile widened. He could do that. Oh, he definitely could do that.
---
This was nice, very nice. True, Issay was so tired he was amazed that he managed to keep his eyes open (granted, that energy drink he’d snagged in the store earlier might have had something to do with it), but he wouldn’t miss this for the life of him.
He, Atsushi, some abandoned parking lot, and a bottle of wine. Again. Well, the bottle and the two of them, not the cars and the parking lots, and Issay didn’t really want to think about all the things that entailed. If there was any other gorgeous man in Issay’s car but Atsushi, then maybe. Not like this, though.
He was better off not thinking about that one at all. Even after all this time, just
seeing Atsushi, seeing that smile made him so ridiculously happy. Or why hearing about all of Atsushi’s conquests hurt him so much. Definitely not thinking about that.
Issay yawned, but then again, that was what he’d been doing for the past half an hour at least. And the only reason he knew that fact was because of the clock on the driver’s panel display. Otherwise, time was a complete mystery to his alcohol-fried brain.
“You should sleep,” Atsushi said lazily, but he too was experiencing that wonderful wine buzz that turned his voice drowsy and tone soft.
Issay craned his neck to Atsushi’s side, smiling, but it was hard to exactly see the man’s expression, because it was way past midnight (closer to morning, in fact, since the clock ticked four a while ago, but Issay was too lazy to drag his eyes back onto the display to check), and Issay was drunk. Not the best conditions for some proper ogling of any kind.
“I’ll do that tomorrow,” Issay said, and Atsushi chuckled.
“It is tomorrow.”
“Oh, well, some other day.” Issay tried to shrug, but almost rolled down car seats made that harder too. Or was it the alcohol?
“You shouldn’t do that,” Atsushi warned.
“Do what?”
The man laughed. “Lose sleep over me.”
Issay laughed as well, only his was much more bitter. “I lose sleep over work any day. At least now I’m enjoying it.” Well, to a point. A blow job would have been a time better spent in Issay’s book. Considering they were most likely drunk beyond the ability of an erection, just some steamy make-out session would do.
“Thanks, I guess.” Atsushi chuckled once more, in that almost embarrassed way that was still making Issay’s head spin every time he’d hear it. “Let me drink to that,” he added, and Issay burst out laughing. “Gods, this reminds me of when I was a kid,” Atsushi added after he passed the bottle to Issay.
“Oh?” Issay was indeed curious. He knew a few stories, what Atsushi felt like sharing here and there, but was too polite to prod and ask for more. Or elaborations on those few bits and pieces he’d caught from different interviews, because he didn’t want Atsushi to know he was reading them. It sounded so... wrong.
“Well, okay, teenage years to be exact. I was a really sweet kid, you could say.” Atsushi’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“I bet you were.” Issay snorted. “We could’ve been friends, you know? Sit there, all dressed up to be shown around the neighbourhood...”
Atsushi laughed, completely lost to what Issay was saying. Well this was as good a time as any, and Issay cleared his throat, trying to remember melodies that had become the marrow of his very bones.
“Passar veggo i miei giorni lenti! Il sonno, o Dio! sparìda i miei occhi languenti!”* he sang, having a blast once he opened his eyes and saw Atsushi staring at him from the co-driver’s seat. “What?”
“What was that?” Atsushi asked, shock audible in his voice.
“The sound of my old vocal trainer spinning in his grave?” Issay offered meekly.
“Wow...” Well, it wasn’t bad leaving Atsushi speechless, in Issay’s book. Granted, he was more than happy to know that Atsushi didn’t have the slightest idea what Issay had been singing about. Lament of an old, broken-hearted man... Atsushi didn’t need to know that. “Is that French?” he asked, and Issay chuckled.
“Italian,” he offered and watched Atsushi make a slow, tentative nod. “Well, French in original. You see, up until this day, my parents can’t find it in their hearts to forgive me for choosing this path instead.”
“Uhh.” Atsushi looked so incredibly cute, looking at him like that, so ridiculously dumb Issay just wanted to kiss him. He snagged the wine bottle instead, taking a long drink. There was little left, they must have been here for a really long time.
“Hard enough to convince them I wanted to do music. It was their take on it. Piano, opera... conservatory, that shit.”
“Wow. You did all that?” He obviously had Atsushi’s undivided attention now, with the man leaning closer, as to not miss a single word. Was that good? Or bad? Issay couldn’t decide, and hell if he cared to at this point.
“Failed admission. On purpose.” He took another mouthful, passing the bottle, but he could feel those eyes on him, regardless. “Took theatre. Started a band. Stopped talking to them.” So many years ago. And it still hurt. Why was he talking about this anyway, why now? It was of no importance whatsoever.
“I’m sorry,” Atsushi said softly. Oh, yes. Way to ruin a fun evening. Issay wanted to roll his eyes at himself, but the world was unstable enough at this point for him not to want to try that one. He shrugged.
“Life is too short for regrets.”
“It’s funny.” Atsushi chuckled then, but it was a dry sound, not a happy one. Issay craned his head towards him, but Atsushi wasn’t looking at him anymore, his profile outlined against the glass on the other side by the faint light of dawn. “I always thought you were the spoilt one. With education and background, getting everything you wanted that I had to fight tooth and nail for.”
Issay wanted to laugh because the whole thing was so absurd. But he only managed a low whisper, “I wish.”
“My mom might not be the happiest about it, but at least she is happy for the success. Considering how much she was against me moving to Tokyo.” Atsushi’s turn to empty that bottle, obviously. “My brother is pretty cool about it, actually.” Issay would have wanted to ask, but he didn’t know how. So he just kept on staring, and eventually Atsushi went on. “You know, looking back, it really is funny. How much my father was against me becoming a failure and a disgrace. As if he was any better.”
“Cigarette?” While Issay knew that he was supposed to be... what? A shoulder to cry on for Atsushi? A good friend that would sit there, listen, and nod? Understand him? None of this could have happened for the sole reason that he knew, in the morning, Atsushi was going to regret this anyway, the privacy obsessed bastard that he sometimes was. From everything Issay could gather, of course.
“Thanks,” Atsushi said, pulling one from the pack. “I mean it. Thanks.” Why did Issay think that this had nothing to do with the cigarettes anyway? He smiled, passing Atsushi the lighter before he once again snatched the bottle and decided to empty it. “One thing he did teach me, though,” Atsushi started eventually, after a long silence in which they both enjoyed their drug. Issay rolled down the car window just a bit, lest they suffocate, but generally, it was just too damned wonderful. Hot and stuffy, unlike the chilly 4am air outside. “Never drink alone.” Atsushi laughed as Issay allowed a twitch at the corner of his lips.
“There’s a way of improving your social life,” Issay offered, and Atsushi burst out laughing.
---
Tokyo, October 1990
Atsushi just wanted to scream. Well, more like go home and lock the door and get very, very drunk. He was late for the studio like he had never been before, and he just knew he was going to get hell from Imai for that later, because it was one thing to be late for recording but an entirely different one to be late for a photo-shoot. Then his make-up had to be redone, he was getting hungry beyond belief because he didn’t have time to buy something on the way, and he managed to spill coffee on his clothes, so the poor stylist had to run and get a different set for him, at this point making the whole shooting so damn late that Atsushi wouldn’t have been surprised if the crew simply tore him to bloody pieces.
Then again, there was, of course, the fatal mistake of opening his mail in the morning, but Atsushi was not thinking about that one. Simply not, because he would go insane. Being torn apart almost seemed like a better option.
He needed some coffee. And a cigarette. And thank god someone finally brought some lunch, so there was food too. Atsushi dutifully ate his portion, even though he really didn’t feel like it anymore. With such a mess up in schedule, who could tell when they would have time for the next one.
And good god, could the woman just hurry up? Atsushi just wanted the whole thing to be over already. He shouldn’t have opened that damn envelope. He should have never gotten out of bed today, period. But no, of course not. He was just all too happy to see the mail from Issay, tearing it open immediately once he was in the car.
And then he saw... that. No wonder Issay had spent all this time fighting with the management. Atsushi was actually surprised that the man even managed. Granted, the picture was definitely tamed down, with noise that held no artistic merit, but one needed to be blind not to be able to see that naked body on the cover.
And it was giving Atsushi’s brain ideas that he never, ever, ever wanted to have. And it was making him feel so ridiculously... restless. He couldn’t figure out why. All he knew was that he hated Issay at that point. The man shouldn’t have done that. It was a gamble. A huge gamble, and even though Der Zibet definitely reached their place among the legends, did Issay not know how easily the scales could be tipped?
A naked man, in that position, on the cover. Atsushi wouldn’t be surprised if the censors ripped Issay apart. No wonder Atsushi was so pissed with him. Once a Japanese, always a Japanese, so it seemed. Not like Atsushi hadn’t used his own body for marketing purposes... but that?
Issay. Naked.**
If there was a way to rewind the time and go back to his bed this morning, Atsushi would have given his soul for that.
How the hell was he going to survive the day now with that on his mind? Over and over again...
And thank god for the woman finally bursting into the dressing room, or at least it was supposed to be the woman, from that little that Atsushi could see under the pile of clothing.
“Sir, I’m so sorry, I--” she started, clumsily discarding everything onto one of the corner chairs, and Atsushi had to laugh. A picture of complete disarray, probably from hurrying so much, dress askew on her thin frame and hair coming loose from the ponytail, cheeks flushed as she gasped for air. It was kind of cute, really.
“It’s nothing.” He smiled, obviously giving her a start. “Thank you for your hard work.” She turned an even deeper shade of red at that, even though that seemed quite impossible just a moment ago. Funny, that Atsushi noticed that look in her eyes just now. He probably just never bothered before, it would have made sense. She was such a quiet, invisible little thing, most of the time it was easy to forget she was even in the room, picking accessories or doing whatever she was doing at other times.
Not exactly pretty, and a bit too shy for his taste, but she seemed easy enough. Well, it was worth a try, at least. Better than getting wasted. Or listening to those little voices in the back of his mind. “You free tonight? We could have dinner.” He had to bite back a chuckle at how incredulous she looked. Deer in the headlights. Then she just nodded, still blushing and busying herself with picking through the clothes she brought.
Kind of cute, really.
---
He was early. Not that it surprised anyone anymore. It was pathetic, probably, but no one seemed to complain either. At least Issay hoped so because, for the first time ever since they’d been meeting at Naomi’s, Atsushi never looked so positively uncomfortable to see him.
“You are late. We are already done with warming up,” Naomi offered instead of a greeting, rising to fetch their, by now, customary cups of coffee.
“Didn’t know you were expecting me.” Issay offered a smile, taking his usual seat on the couch that this time proved to be a cat-free zone.
“After all the bugging this precious snowflake did about duets?” Naomi called out from the kitchen, and damn, it was the most adorable thing to see Atsushi so embarrassed about it. The man who had absolutely no qualms about wooing his fans from the stage for hours at the time. Or charm his way into the panties of the girls he picked up on the roadside of their tour, apparently. But Issay wasn’t thinking about that. It was just way too pointless.
“I, well, I was wondering how to do it right, you know?” Atsushi muttered, the entire time doing his best to keep his eyes off Issay, even though there was no mistaking every time they slid right there.
“Like all the other times we have done it?” Issay couldn’t help but be amused. Atsushi, on the other hand, just sunk deeper into his seat.
“You’ll need lots of practice together, though.” Naomi returned from the kitchen, carrying coffee and a plate of cookies. “I presume you’ll be performing live, too.”
“I... didn’t quite think about that yet,” Issay admitted somewhat sheepishly. Which wasn’t exactly true. He did, but considering how busy Buck-Tick’s schedule was, he highly doubted he could steal their vocalist for a few months, and he really didn’t want to put Atsushi in the uncomfortable situation of having to refuse. “We’ll just consider it when we get there, right?” He shot a quick smile Atsushi’s way, who looked like he wanted to say something, but then just nodded.
“Your career, not mine.” Naomi shrugged. “But I’m willing to bet my left ear that I’m not the only female in this country who wouldn’t mind seeing you two on the same stage.”
If Atsushi looked embarrassed before... Even Issay needed a moment there. Then again, not that he could claim he disagreed there. Quite the contrary.
“So, where were we again?” Naomi went on, apparently oblivious to the awkward moment she had just caused. Well, thankfully at least there was coffee now to focus on.
Atsushi cleared his throat. “My voice.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, precious,” Naomi took a sip of her drink, casting him a reprimanding look, “I’ll tell you what I hear. I hear a truckload of smokes, enough booze to kill a village, and a quick trip to the otolaryngologist if you don’t want to end up with surgery. Now, don’t look at me like that, it’s not your death bed I’m announcing. But a few dozen shows are a few dozen shows, and I did warn you about technique, didn’t I?”
“I just... get a little carried away at times.” Gods, was Atsushi cute. And Issay was, indeed, that pathetic. Still, he couldn’t help but grin.
“And that’s why your ass gets carried away to this address.” Naomi rummaged through a notebook that was lying by the phone. A few moments later she pulled out a card and handed it to Atsushi, who took it a little tentatively. “Trust me, kid, this guy knows what he’s doing. Will put you back into shape nicely. Maybe order you to shut up for a few days, should there be a nodule, but that’s it. Oh, and no ice cream for you, definitely. You get to have cookies, though.” She nodded towards the plate, and Atsushi burst out laughing.
A sight for sore eyes, even if Issay said so himself. Which reminded him... “Oh, before I forget... guess who managed to snatch the tickets for Don Carlo on Friday?” Issay actually felt like boasting, but the way Atsushi looked back at him sheepishly made him reconsider that one. “Something wrong?” he asked then.
“I... err... can’t. I... have a date,” Atsushi offered with so much discomfort Issay wanted to ask him once more what was wrong.
“That’s a new development,” Issay said, completely forgetting Naomi was there, and there was no need to continue this discussion in front of her, of all people. Still, he did smile, in what he hoped was a devious enough way. No need for Atsushi to know just how Issay actually felt about that one.
He wouldn’t wish those feelings on anyone, let alone Atsushi.
---
*I see my days slowly draw out! Sleep, oh God! vanished from my languishing eyes!, from Ella giammai m' amò! aria, Giuseppe Verdi's Don Carlos. If you jump to Act 4, you can see that this is a song of an old man who is trying to accept the fact that his wife never loved him.
**Indeed he is. (NWS)