what happens in three months
"do you even go to this school?"
"no, i just have a lot of feelings..."
if you instantly got that reference, you're probably my best friend.
unfortunately, it seems as though livejournal is dead, so i've been absent for a while. fortunately, this seems to be because i've had livepeople to talk to and liveliving to do so i haven't missed it. except for lately, because i haven't been doing much liveliving at all. and currently, my stupid boyfriend is either choosing not to answer my phone calls/call me back on this, the hardest day i've been through in a long time, or is just completely oblivious to the fact that i'm feeling physically and emotionally defeated.
so where have i been? sick. not cold or flu or take-a-tylenol-sinus sick. more like a go-to-the-hospital-several-times, cant-eat, not-be-able-to-work, not-be-able-to-do-ANYTHING, no-energy, always-exhausted, go-through-a-bunch-of-tests, doctors-dont-know-what's-wrong-with-me, go-into-debt-over-medical-bills, fall-into-depression sick.
extreme GI issues, extreme abdominal pain, light-headedness, feeling dizzy, fainting, diabetic ketoacidosis, vomiting, constant queasiness, dropping to under a hundred pounds, SICK SICK SICK.
after being hospitalized again two weeks ago, i just had another doctors appointment earlier today. looking at my charts, listening to my symptoms, the doctor was most concerned by my weight loss and ordered a new series of tests. i hope everyone is healthy and fortunate enough to never have to see your doctor looking startled, uneasy, and urgent. i've seen it more times than i want to think about, including today. the tests he ordered are to see if i have crohns disease. aimee has it, so i've seen it's effects first hand, and it's miserable. i'd take the diagnosis in a second if it meant that i was somehow taking it from aimee, but since i know that's not possible... it could also be as simple as my diabetes taking its toll on me. i've always known it would be a matter of time... even the best controlled diabetics deal with complications, and i've never had good control. thirteen years with this disease and i still don't feel like my body is my own. or it could be something totally different. only the tests will show.
it's impossible to describe how... hopeless you feel when you just know there is something wrong with you. it's impossible to tell you how it feels to think that at twenty-four you're broken. every moment i'm in pain.
i don't know. i'm just scared. i can't sleep and all i want is someone to listen to me, to comfort me. ideally, this would be kevin, but... yeah. i talked to him for maybe fifteen minutes today after my appointment, and he hasn't answered any of my calls since. he probably just fell asleep, which is no big deal, but it is a big deal to me that he didn't think of calling at some other point during the day. sometimes--okay, a lot of the time--i feel as though he has absolutely no sense of reality. like seriously, you're going to bitch about having to mow the lawn (of the house your parents let you live in for free, the parents who pay for everything--school, car, gas, phone, EVERYTHING), and be in a bad mood about it for hours? or bitch about not being able to get chik-fil-a because you have no money? when i'm literally thousands of dollars in debt from student loans, hospital stays, and lab tests? when i can't even HOPE to make my car payments or cell phone payments or even buy gas because i've been so sick/malnurished that i literally can't work a 4 hour shift without passing out on my bathroom floor?
i love him, i really do. when i'm with him, i forget all of my problems because he makes me so happy, makes me feel so good about myself, loves me so much. but sometimes... sometimes, i just want to hit him and scream, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! i'm starting to really want a future with him, but at the same time, it kills me that he can be so spoiled, so out of touch with what is actually happening to real life 24 year olds. especially when that 24 year old is his own girlfriend.
and goddamnit, i don't want a naked mud wedding. ha. not that getting married is even on his radar. but guess what friends, it's on mine. because i know what i want out of life, and i know that getting married is part of it. it's important to me, and not because i need a man or need to be a part of someone else's picture of a perfect life, but because i know that being a part of a family (albeit a childless one), having a home to fill with love, will make me happy.
ugh. this got so off-topic and ranty. whatevs. i guess the point is that i'm tired but can't sleep, in pain and can't get relief, and i don't know what my life is, besides sad.
"no, i just have a lot of feelings..."
if you instantly got that reference, you're probably my best friend.
unfortunately, it seems as though livejournal is dead, so i've been absent for a while. fortunately, this seems to be because i've had livepeople to talk to and liveliving to do so i haven't missed it. except for lately, because i haven't been doing much liveliving at all. and currently, my stupid boyfriend is either choosing not to answer my phone calls/call me back on this, the hardest day i've been through in a long time, or is just completely oblivious to the fact that i'm feeling physically and emotionally defeated.
so where have i been? sick. not cold or flu or take-a-tylenol-sinus sick. more like a go-to-the-hospital-several-times, cant-eat, not-be-able-to-work, not-be-able-to-do-ANYTHING, no-energy, always-exhausted, go-through-a-bunch-of-tests, doctors-dont-know-what's-wrong-with-me, go-into-debt-over-medical-bills, fall-into-depression sick.
extreme GI issues, extreme abdominal pain, light-headedness, feeling dizzy, fainting, diabetic ketoacidosis, vomiting, constant queasiness, dropping to under a hundred pounds, SICK SICK SICK.
after being hospitalized again two weeks ago, i just had another doctors appointment earlier today. looking at my charts, listening to my symptoms, the doctor was most concerned by my weight loss and ordered a new series of tests. i hope everyone is healthy and fortunate enough to never have to see your doctor looking startled, uneasy, and urgent. i've seen it more times than i want to think about, including today. the tests he ordered are to see if i have crohns disease. aimee has it, so i've seen it's effects first hand, and it's miserable. i'd take the diagnosis in a second if it meant that i was somehow taking it from aimee, but since i know that's not possible... it could also be as simple as my diabetes taking its toll on me. i've always known it would be a matter of time... even the best controlled diabetics deal with complications, and i've never had good control. thirteen years with this disease and i still don't feel like my body is my own. or it could be something totally different. only the tests will show.
it's impossible to describe how... hopeless you feel when you just know there is something wrong with you. it's impossible to tell you how it feels to think that at twenty-four you're broken. every moment i'm in pain.
i don't know. i'm just scared. i can't sleep and all i want is someone to listen to me, to comfort me. ideally, this would be kevin, but... yeah. i talked to him for maybe fifteen minutes today after my appointment, and he hasn't answered any of my calls since. he probably just fell asleep, which is no big deal, but it is a big deal to me that he didn't think of calling at some other point during the day. sometimes--okay, a lot of the time--i feel as though he has absolutely no sense of reality. like seriously, you're going to bitch about having to mow the lawn (of the house your parents let you live in for free, the parents who pay for everything--school, car, gas, phone, EVERYTHING), and be in a bad mood about it for hours? or bitch about not being able to get chik-fil-a because you have no money? when i'm literally thousands of dollars in debt from student loans, hospital stays, and lab tests? when i can't even HOPE to make my car payments or cell phone payments or even buy gas because i've been so sick/malnurished that i literally can't work a 4 hour shift without passing out on my bathroom floor?
i love him, i really do. when i'm with him, i forget all of my problems because he makes me so happy, makes me feel so good about myself, loves me so much. but sometimes... sometimes, i just want to hit him and scream, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! i'm starting to really want a future with him, but at the same time, it kills me that he can be so spoiled, so out of touch with what is actually happening to real life 24 year olds. especially when that 24 year old is his own girlfriend.
and goddamnit, i don't want a naked mud wedding. ha. not that getting married is even on his radar. but guess what friends, it's on mine. because i know what i want out of life, and i know that getting married is part of it. it's important to me, and not because i need a man or need to be a part of someone else's picture of a perfect life, but because i know that being a part of a family (albeit a childless one), having a home to fill with love, will make me happy.
ugh. this got so off-topic and ranty. whatevs. i guess the point is that i'm tired but can't sleep, in pain and can't get relief, and i don't know what my life is, besides sad.