Jokes from Merynn and Speedy Hobbit playing D&D
Comedian Zeke: Hi, everyone, I’m Comedian Zeke! I’m here for the Duke’s birthday, and boy can I tell he’s getting older! Jesting, your Grace. I’ll be telling lots of jokes tonight. I must warn all of you though, I tell offensive jokes about anyone and everyone. If you are easily offended, leave the room. You have been forewarned, and I hold no responsibility for hurt feelings or wounded pride. *to Brit’s character, a paladin named Kiran Mani* Oi, Paladin, you’re staying? *shocked face* I didn’t know paladins were allowed to have a sense of humor! *looks at NPCs Folco Foxtrot, a Halfling prince and refugee, and Emma Dobbins, another Halfling refugee* I should warn you though that my jokes are not appropriate for the delicate ears of children… *comical surprised face* OH, that’s a Halfling! Meh, same difference… *looks at Folco, who has his right arm in a sling and his left leg in a brace* Blimey, you with the crutch, what happened to YOU? Were you trying to raid the top shelf of someone’s pantry or something? *Folco fixes him with a stare* Ahhh, never mind, someone’s in a mood. On with the jokes!
1. What do you call a cleric with half a brain? GIFTED!
2. How many paladins does it take to light a lantern? They couldn’t do it, they all had forbearance.
3. What do you call a clairvoyant gnome who escapes from the dungeon? A small medium at large.
4. Five orcs walk into a bar. The sixth one ducks.
5. Why are paladins always sleepy? Because they crushed the darkness
6. A Halfling was terribly overweight so a healer put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you’ll have lost five pounds.” A fortnight later, the Halfling returned and shocked the healer by having lost twenty pounds. The healer said “Why, that’s amazing~ did you follow my instructions?” The Halfling said “Yes, I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead the third day!”
The healer asked “From hunger, you mean?
“No, from skipping.”
7. What’s the difference between a paladin and a knight? No, seriously, I’m asking.
8. What do you call 1,000 gnomes at the bottom of the sea? Littering.
9. Where did the first copper wire come from? Two dwarves picking up a copper piece at the same time.
10. An orc walks into a bar with a parrot. He barman says “Wow, that’s neat, where did you get it?” The parrot says “In a cave”
11. *to Emma Dobbins* Hey, Halfling, goblin your food is bad for your elf!
12. Two Halflings walk into a bar. A human steps over it.
13. An orc, an elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each of them discovers a fly in their tankard. The orc keeps drinking, fly and all. The elf places a napkin over the tankard and pushes it off to the side. The human removes the fly and keeps drinking. The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling “Spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!
14. Why do dwarves grow beards? To counterbalance back hair.
15. How do you know a Halfling raided your pantry? Only the bottom shelf is empty
16. How do you know an elf raided your pantry? Only fruits and vegetables are missing.
17. How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry? Only liquor is missing.
18. A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a duck under his arm. His wife answers and asks “What’s this?” The man replies “This is the dragon I’ve been shaggin’.” His furious wife yells “That’s not a dragon, that’s a duck!” The warrior looks at his wife and says “I was talking to the duck!”
19. How many drow does it take to light a lantern? Nobody knows, they all have darkvision.
20. What do you call the choice weapon of an orphan? A bastard sword.
21. What do you call half an orc’s brain? Nothing, you can’t have half of something that doesn’t exist.
22. What do underdark elves wear? Drow-sers.
23. A dwarf family is at dinner when the father says to the mother, “Sweetheart, how about after dinner we let the children out to P-L-A-Y so we can F-C-U-K?
24. Why do dwarves have such big nostrils? Look at the size of their fingers!
25. What do dwarves call elven wine? Grape juice
26. What do elves call dwarf dwarf beer? Rat poison
27. How do you get a chord from a trio of half-orc bards? Ask all three of them to play the same note
28. Why did the wizard lose his job? His liscense got evoked
29. What do you get when you breed a dwarf and a Halfling? Someone who picks your pockets then lectures you for a half hour about the illegal contrabands you were carrying
30. What’s the orc term for a Halfling sword? A pocketknife
31. What’s the dwarf term for an orkish waraxe? Shrapnel on a stick
32. How many half-elves does it take to sharpen a sword? One. They’re useful for something after all.
33. How many gnomes does it take to sharpen a sword? 1, but it only looks sharp
34. How many Halflings does it take to sharpen a sword? You’d actually trust a Halfling with your sword?
35. An elf wizard walks into a magic shop and asks the merchant for a nice ripe pound of brains.
“I have 3 different kinds” the merchant says. “human, dwarf and orc”
The wizard asks, “How much for the human?”
The merchant replies “8 gold.”
The elf says “Not bad. Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?”
“Aye. 6 gold.
The elf answers, “Nice. How about the orc?”
The merchant answers, “600 gold.”
“600 gold?! Why the bloody hell are orc brains so expensive?”
To which the merchant replies, “Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
36. How do you teach someone from Spolingharrow* to use a screwdriver? Tell him to pretend it’s a thumbscrew.
37. There was a man in Spolingharrow. He didn’t walk into the bar. The bar whacked into him.
38. Why does the Spolingharrow watch like hiring singing banshees? They make excellent “interrogation tactics”
39. Why can’t you be charged with raping a Spolingharrow guard? Because you’re inside the law.
40. How do Spolingharrow guards go fishing? They catch one, then beat it until it tells where the rest of them are.
“You know, it’s a mercy we’re not in Spolingharrow right now. I’d be hanged, drawn and quartered for my jokes, and each and every one of you would be crucified just for laughing.”
(Spolingharrow is a notoriously lawful evil country)
1. What do you call a cleric with half a brain? GIFTED!
2. How many paladins does it take to light a lantern? They couldn’t do it, they all had forbearance.
3. What do you call a clairvoyant gnome who escapes from the dungeon? A small medium at large.
4. Five orcs walk into a bar. The sixth one ducks.
5. Why are paladins always sleepy? Because they crushed the darkness
6. A Halfling was terribly overweight so a healer put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, then repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you’ll have lost five pounds.” A fortnight later, the Halfling returned and shocked the healer by having lost twenty pounds. The healer said “Why, that’s amazing~ did you follow my instructions?” The Halfling said “Yes, I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead the third day!”
The healer asked “From hunger, you mean?
“No, from skipping.”
7. What’s the difference between a paladin and a knight? No, seriously, I’m asking.
8. What do you call 1,000 gnomes at the bottom of the sea? Littering.
9. Where did the first copper wire come from? Two dwarves picking up a copper piece at the same time.
10. An orc walks into a bar with a parrot. He barman says “Wow, that’s neat, where did you get it?” The parrot says “In a cave”
11. *to Emma Dobbins* Hey, Halfling, goblin your food is bad for your elf!
12. Two Halflings walk into a bar. A human steps over it.
13. An orc, an elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each of them discovers a fly in their tankard. The orc keeps drinking, fly and all. The elf places a napkin over the tankard and pushes it off to the side. The human removes the fly and keeps drinking. The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling “Spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!
14. Why do dwarves grow beards? To counterbalance back hair.
15. How do you know a Halfling raided your pantry? Only the bottom shelf is empty
16. How do you know an elf raided your pantry? Only fruits and vegetables are missing.
17. How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry? Only liquor is missing.
18. A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a duck under his arm. His wife answers and asks “What’s this?” The man replies “This is the dragon I’ve been shaggin’.” His furious wife yells “That’s not a dragon, that’s a duck!” The warrior looks at his wife and says “I was talking to the duck!”
19. How many drow does it take to light a lantern? Nobody knows, they all have darkvision.
20. What do you call the choice weapon of an orphan? A bastard sword.
21. What do you call half an orc’s brain? Nothing, you can’t have half of something that doesn’t exist.
22. What do underdark elves wear? Drow-sers.
23. A dwarf family is at dinner when the father says to the mother, “Sweetheart, how about after dinner we let the children out to P-L-A-Y so we can F-C-U-K?
24. Why do dwarves have such big nostrils? Look at the size of their fingers!
25. What do dwarves call elven wine? Grape juice
26. What do elves call dwarf dwarf beer? Rat poison
27. How do you get a chord from a trio of half-orc bards? Ask all three of them to play the same note
28. Why did the wizard lose his job? His liscense got evoked
29. What do you get when you breed a dwarf and a Halfling? Someone who picks your pockets then lectures you for a half hour about the illegal contrabands you were carrying
30. What’s the orc term for a Halfling sword? A pocketknife
31. What’s the dwarf term for an orkish waraxe? Shrapnel on a stick
32. How many half-elves does it take to sharpen a sword? One. They’re useful for something after all.
33. How many gnomes does it take to sharpen a sword? 1, but it only looks sharp
34. How many Halflings does it take to sharpen a sword? You’d actually trust a Halfling with your sword?
35. An elf wizard walks into a magic shop and asks the merchant for a nice ripe pound of brains.
“I have 3 different kinds” the merchant says. “human, dwarf and orc”
The wizard asks, “How much for the human?”
The merchant replies “8 gold.”
The elf says “Not bad. Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?”
“Aye. 6 gold.
The elf answers, “Nice. How about the orc?”
The merchant answers, “600 gold.”
“600 gold?! Why the bloody hell are orc brains so expensive?”
To which the merchant replies, “Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
36. How do you teach someone from Spolingharrow* to use a screwdriver? Tell him to pretend it’s a thumbscrew.
37. There was a man in Spolingharrow. He didn’t walk into the bar. The bar whacked into him.
38. Why does the Spolingharrow watch like hiring singing banshees? They make excellent “interrogation tactics”
39. Why can’t you be charged with raping a Spolingharrow guard? Because you’re inside the law.
40. How do Spolingharrow guards go fishing? They catch one, then beat it until it tells where the rest of them are.
“You know, it’s a mercy we’re not in Spolingharrow right now. I’d be hanged, drawn and quartered for my jokes, and each and every one of you would be crucified just for laughing.”
(Spolingharrow is a notoriously lawful evil country)