Deeper thoughts?
This is going to be quite long....
Well I'm back. Finally I have a computer that I can use again! Yay!! I don't really want to talk about my trip to Pennsylvania not because I was horrible, just because it wasn't all that interesting. I went, opened some presents ( I got some clothes and a coat with didn't fit, and a Coach purse), visited my Grandparents, Aunt Uncle and little cousin from Slovakia, and the Silvestro family. We went skiing. That's the bulk of the trip. Then I came home today. I went to visit Emma for her birthday and I bought her a "Hip-emo" lifestyle kit. We played this pig dice game with her friend Sophia. It amused me.Yeah, so a few things I want to briefly discuss and am not really looking for anyone to pay great attention to or anything, I just have a few things I need to get off my chest and what better place to write it than my very own online journal....
First off, my english paper is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I've read tons of stuff on my author, I just don't know how to start my paper.
The second thing is not really something that can be understood because I'm not sure I can even do it justice in trying to explain. Its just that...I don't know. Sometimes I think too much, and at others not enough. I feel so bad for some of the things I do, and not because I'm a terrible person. I'd like to believe I am a good person, its just that some of the time I don't even know who that person is. I don't know myself, who I was or really what I want to become. I thought I did and then things changed and that scares the hell out of me. I'm not sure if I'm afraid more of hurting people, or of letting them hurt me. Sometimes its easier just to ignore things for the time being, but in the end that just never seems to work. I'm not proud of this. Its something that guilts me every day, and I'm so stressed by it that I don't know what to do. And when I say "it" stresses me, I'm not just talking about one thing unless you're referring to every aspect of my life as a whole. Some points generate more stress than others, some generate less. There are big things such as my lack of focus towards my future and the present. The fact that I don't know if I really understand what love is or if I ever will. And then there are smaller things like never being able to decide between what to eat at a restaurant or always feeling the urge to check if my younger brother is wearing his seatbelt in that car. I don't know. There's more, but this just isn't coming out to make any sense.
Moving on, but still kind of keeping with the same theme. Over break I realized something. Not only do I have anger towards Nancy, but I'm angry with my Dad, and also with myself. I mad at him for always trying to write my life for me and discouraging everything I want to do. I want him to support the things I want to do whether or not that consists of my career choice or extra curricular activities. I'm upset that I'll say I want to do physical therapy because its something I have a passionate interest about, yet he'll say I should just go to med school since it'll pay so much more. I wonder if he's ever considered the fact that I don't care if I make $250,000 a year, I just want to be happy and enjoy waking up in the morning for work. Its not just this issue, but countless others, including swimming. Over the past few years I've had my ups and downs with my shoulder. What it really comes down to is these past few months...first I was told 3 weeks into my senior year of swimming that I was never going to be able to swim again. Obviously I didn't listen, and I kept on pushing. After I finished with a season I was not very satisfied I kept swimming, kept taking ridiculous amounts of pain killers. Eventually I was prescribed back into pt, medicine and limited practice. I worked my ass off to rehab this shoulder. Tendenitous. They thought that was it, but it wasn't. I got an mri because there may have been a possible labryl tear, but there wasn't. My results came back negative and I was all hyped up for this Indianapolis 3 day meet, until my surgeon called back and said I could have a compression fracture and I needed surgery. I got a second opinion from my Uncle, and he doesn't think I need surgery at the moment, but it still isn't good. For now I have PT stuff, more pain killers, and I probably shouldn't be swimming at all. There's all these people telling me that I should just quit and save my shoulder before I tear my rotator cuff, but at this point I just don't know if I can do that. Its hard to explain my love for that sport, and I just don't know if I'm ready to let go. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go. A lot of who I am has been shaped by swimming. I know there is only one person in the world who could possibly understand my feelings towards this sport, and my dad isn't that person. At this point I'm not sure if I want to swim in college, especially with my shoulder...it would just be nice to have the support of my own father.......What makes it worse though, is that in some ways I am just like him. My younger sister is doing this cheerleading thing, and I feel terrible because I've been doing to her what my dad does to me. I keep trying to make her swim more because she has so much potential and could be great if she actually cared. She's doing this cheerleading thing, and not that my family is ultra caring like the Brady Bunch, but I think I need to be much more supportive with her. And I'm sorry.
Lauren
Well I'm back. Finally I have a computer that I can use again! Yay!! I don't really want to talk about my trip to Pennsylvania not because I was horrible, just because it wasn't all that interesting. I went, opened some presents ( I got some clothes and a coat with didn't fit, and a Coach purse), visited my Grandparents, Aunt Uncle and little cousin from Slovakia, and the Silvestro family. We went skiing. That's the bulk of the trip. Then I came home today. I went to visit Emma for her birthday and I bought her a "Hip-emo" lifestyle kit. We played this pig dice game with her friend Sophia. It amused me.Yeah, so a few things I want to briefly discuss and am not really looking for anyone to pay great attention to or anything, I just have a few things I need to get off my chest and what better place to write it than my very own online journal....
First off, my english paper is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I've read tons of stuff on my author, I just don't know how to start my paper.
The second thing is not really something that can be understood because I'm not sure I can even do it justice in trying to explain. Its just that...I don't know. Sometimes I think too much, and at others not enough. I feel so bad for some of the things I do, and not because I'm a terrible person. I'd like to believe I am a good person, its just that some of the time I don't even know who that person is. I don't know myself, who I was or really what I want to become. I thought I did and then things changed and that scares the hell out of me. I'm not sure if I'm afraid more of hurting people, or of letting them hurt me. Sometimes its easier just to ignore things for the time being, but in the end that just never seems to work. I'm not proud of this. Its something that guilts me every day, and I'm so stressed by it that I don't know what to do. And when I say "it" stresses me, I'm not just talking about one thing unless you're referring to every aspect of my life as a whole. Some points generate more stress than others, some generate less. There are big things such as my lack of focus towards my future and the present. The fact that I don't know if I really understand what love is or if I ever will. And then there are smaller things like never being able to decide between what to eat at a restaurant or always feeling the urge to check if my younger brother is wearing his seatbelt in that car. I don't know. There's more, but this just isn't coming out to make any sense.
Moving on, but still kind of keeping with the same theme. Over break I realized something. Not only do I have anger towards Nancy, but I'm angry with my Dad, and also with myself. I mad at him for always trying to write my life for me and discouraging everything I want to do. I want him to support the things I want to do whether or not that consists of my career choice or extra curricular activities. I'm upset that I'll say I want to do physical therapy because its something I have a passionate interest about, yet he'll say I should just go to med school since it'll pay so much more. I wonder if he's ever considered the fact that I don't care if I make $250,000 a year, I just want to be happy and enjoy waking up in the morning for work. Its not just this issue, but countless others, including swimming. Over the past few years I've had my ups and downs with my shoulder. What it really comes down to is these past few months...first I was told 3 weeks into my senior year of swimming that I was never going to be able to swim again. Obviously I didn't listen, and I kept on pushing. After I finished with a season I was not very satisfied I kept swimming, kept taking ridiculous amounts of pain killers. Eventually I was prescribed back into pt, medicine and limited practice. I worked my ass off to rehab this shoulder. Tendenitous. They thought that was it, but it wasn't. I got an mri because there may have been a possible labryl tear, but there wasn't. My results came back negative and I was all hyped up for this Indianapolis 3 day meet, until my surgeon called back and said I could have a compression fracture and I needed surgery. I got a second opinion from my Uncle, and he doesn't think I need surgery at the moment, but it still isn't good. For now I have PT stuff, more pain killers, and I probably shouldn't be swimming at all. There's all these people telling me that I should just quit and save my shoulder before I tear my rotator cuff, but at this point I just don't know if I can do that. Its hard to explain my love for that sport, and I just don't know if I'm ready to let go. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go. A lot of who I am has been shaped by swimming. I know there is only one person in the world who could possibly understand my feelings towards this sport, and my dad isn't that person. At this point I'm not sure if I want to swim in college, especially with my shoulder...it would just be nice to have the support of my own father.......What makes it worse though, is that in some ways I am just like him. My younger sister is doing this cheerleading thing, and I feel terrible because I've been doing to her what my dad does to me. I keep trying to make her swim more because she has so much potential and could be great if she actually cared. She's doing this cheerleading thing, and not that my family is ultra caring like the Brady Bunch, but I think I need to be much more supportive with her. And I'm sorry.
Lauren