The Land of Pharaohs
Greetings True Believers
Yours truly has returned from yet another journey, this time to the far off lands of Egypt.
Accompanying me on this trip was everyone’s favorite indie bitch, Bobbo and the good Sailors from Explosive Ordinance Disposal, or more simply put, EOD.
We were in Egypt for a week to train with the Egyptian Navy’s Frogmen. Routine mine location, lifting and disposal, IED detection and destruction. In short, blowing shit up...
The trip started with a flight on Gulf Air, home of the fabled Gulf Air Girls, or as I like to call them, unicorns... Why unicorns you might ask? They are an elusive mystical creature, spoken of often, yet never seen. For months I was on a quest to find said unicorns, only to discover that they’d all shacked up with Marines and Coasties...
The first of my many new experiences was the flight over. For the first time in our lives, Bobbo and I were the suspicious passengers aboard a plane. I occupied my time with a German movie spoofing the many American space classics, Star Wars and Star Trek to name a few. The three main characters were gay from what I could tell and they were using a couch to transport them through time to stop an evil alien race and prevent the destruction of human kind. Hilarious Nazi hyjiinxs ensued...
Another first was seeing our names on a card upon entering the airport terminal, where we were greeted by our guide in Cairo, a man named Ackmed who suffered form extreme walleye vision.
Ackmed whisked us through customs and off we went. (A side note, this is the only way to go when traveling abroad...)
With seven hours to spare in Cairo, we set out to see the Pyramids.
The city of Cairo, or most of Egypt for that matter, has no traffic laws. There are lanes, people simply ignore them. It was nothing for a person to squeeze their car between two semis on a two lane highway...
And unlike here in Bahrain, where honking a horn can solve any problem from speeding up the driver ahead of you to stopping a head on collision, Egyptians utilize their high beams. This may seem odd, but when you consider that most of the time they don’t have their headlights on at all, the sudden presence of a car with its blinding lights barreling down on you is just as effective as any horn.
Our first glimpse of one of the wold’s seven great wonders was from the highway. Even from a distance they were an amazing sight, towering over the buildings like a man made mountain.
Contrary to what National Geographic and Hollywood would have you believe, the pyramids of Giza are not surrounded by the vast span of the Sahara Desert. In fact, they are surrounded on two sides by a city that is just as old as the pyramids themselves. It was inhabited by the workers and has been there ever since.
As our luck would have it, (and we seem to have no luck at all), the pyramids were closed when we arrived. The only way to get there was by horse or camel. We opted for the horse, because camels are ornery, smelly, boney creatures that make for a very uncomfortable ride.
We were warned before we left the stables not to take anything from the locals and to keep an eye on our wallets and personal effects. The villagers weren’t the main concern. Here the desert was the thief. As our guide informed us, its like the ocean, a lost wallet or camera would be quickly swallowed up by the sand.
The town itself reminded me of a lot of Iraq. Full of people living in squalor, trash everywhere. Little kids trying to sell us cokes and even littler kids at the reins behind donkeys, horses and camels. One boy, who couldn’t have been more than six years old was riding a horse five times his size, leading two others. It made for quite a sight, especially when compared to the six foot four Yeti, Bobbo, who could barely manage to stay on his horse. To be fare, the kid had a much lower center of gravity.
We came through a gate into the desert, rounded a small hill and then boom, there they were. It was like a scene out of Indiana Jones or some other movie, television special or book. The desert opened up into a long deep basin, and at its far end sat the Pyramids, in their true National Geographic glory. Little known trade secret, this is the angle that everyone shoots the pyramids from to give the feel that they are alone, surrounded only by desert. Those crafty bastards...
In Egypt, you can ride camels, horses, and the locals...
I’d never seen anything quite like it. Their sheer magnitude was enough to put you in awe.
I had to think, three thousand years ago, primitive peoples moved massive stones to construct something that even modern machinery could not do. How on earth did they accomplish this?
Then again, maybe they had some help. A school of thought says that the Egyptian people were aided by beings from another planet. They, along with the Mians, were helped to construct these amazing structures.
It may sound crazy, but how else could you explain it? It certainly would explain the precesne of
their gods and how they were able to perform such feats. Maybe they got too smart for their own good and these other beings decided that it was time to watch us from the cheap seats, occasionally coming down from the heavens to probe a random hick or tag our crops... Do you have a better theory???
Here are just a few more pictures of your favorite world travelers...
And of course, how could I pass up the opportunity to be the one millionth dumb tourist to do this...
I’ll skip the next part and move on to Hurgada, where we’d be staying for the next five days.
We roomed at the Sheraton resort, which is inhabited by old Nazis... If you’re up to snuff on your bible reading, you’d know that the Nazis and the Egyptians share a common bond. Not that I’m saying either was in the right.
On our first night, we were greeted by a welcome sight, Germain soft core porn. Something I never thought I’d see in the Middle East.
Being at the resort was like living in a home for geriatric Nazis and a honeymoon getaway all rolled into one. Being single there was like living through a week long Valentines day after just finding out your best girl was porking five dudes and had a nasty case of syphilis...
Fast forward to the first day of work.
Bobbo and I were being given the opportunity to do something that no American military publicist had done for a long time, cover an event in Egypt. I had the sinking suspicion that the Egyptians were under the impression that we’d take over their country if not watched closely...
Apparently Bobbo figured that this was a good way to avoid susspicion...
Our driver, Mohamed (a name as common in the Middle East as our John) didn’t seem to like the fact that he had to drive us around. He was accompanied by a nice man packing a nifty little sub machine gun, “for our safety”. Or was it???
(I am purposely avoiding any details on the training so as not to piss off the OPSEC wenies...)
The Egyptian Frogmen were very well trained. They only lacked in the area of equipment to carry out the job. Many of them had trained in America, at the EOD schools and the SEALs Basic Underwater Demolition School, or BUDS.
We were watched like hawks the entire time. A man, who I shall only refer to as “Mr. Wonderful” was constantly monitoring our work.
But, not to be hindered by international issues, we carried on.
Here are the highlights. We blew the shit out of an underwater mine, which gave me my first opportunity to swim in the Red Sea (a body of water that I’d recently traversed to reach Lebanon on one of my many journeys).
The Red Sea has an extremely high salt content, which allows for chubby bastards like yours truly to float with little effort.
I again went diving along the peir, where I ran into an ornery school of silver fish and got to have a picture taken through the propeller of a large tug.
Here I am displaying my mad skills.
I decided to swim into the fish, thinking they would immediately part like said sea I was swimming in, but I was sadly mistaken...
Instead of parting, they surged towards me, engulfing yours truly in a swarm of scales and gapping mouths. (Reminded me of a few female humans I’ve encountered in my day, ha ha)
Later, we exploded a small charge on the peir, blowing said fish to little bitty pieces...
Continuing on with our men blowing shit up fetishes, we destroyed several fake IEDs, which made for some cool shots.
During our stay, we took the opportunity to go on a four-wheeling excursion through the Sahara, which was an experience in its own.
First, a side note. We should all thank Alexander the Great for invading North Africa and adding a nice Mediterranean touch to the local women. And now back to the story.
We were fitted with the local head gear, which as it turns out, was a good idea. Sand traveling at over 50 kilometers per hour makes it very difficult to breathe and see.
Do you really think I would pass up the opportunity to rock the Buddy Christ?
We rode for twenty minutes through the desert into the foothills of some sort of vast mountain range. Luckily, I was able to dig deep into my hick roots where I recovered my ability to pilot a Honda Fourtracks... And unlike the last time, I managed to keep all four wheels on the ground.
Imagine coming up on this marauding pack of infidels in the desert...
In the mountains we stopped at a small village, where we ate local food (made in the sand) and drank tea (filled with sand).
It was at this point that I finally broke down and road a camel. One of the EOD guys, whom they affectionately called “Bucket” attempted to mount said camel, only to be tossed off when a small local boy jabbed it in the eye.
The perp...
We could only guess that this is what the boy did for kicks... Dismounting Americans from camels must be some fun pastime. I imagine that he went back around the hill and gave his buddies a high five...
The woman leading my camel hissed at me after I’d dismounted, which I can only guess means give me some money, dammit in arabic...
Here are some nice scenic pictures for you to enjoy.
That last one was for all you True Believers out there.
Fast forward to the end.
At the airport we discovered that our flight home had been moved an hour ahead, causing us to miss our plane. But never fear True Believers, because your hero is a veteran of random last minute flight plans... We hitched a ride with the EOD bubbas on my favorite military aircraft, the C-130.
Next stop, the NAG...
Until next time True Believers.
Yours truly has returned from yet another journey, this time to the far off lands of Egypt.
Accompanying me on this trip was everyone’s favorite indie bitch, Bobbo and the good Sailors from Explosive Ordinance Disposal, or more simply put, EOD.
We were in Egypt for a week to train with the Egyptian Navy’s Frogmen. Routine mine location, lifting and disposal, IED detection and destruction. In short, blowing shit up...
The trip started with a flight on Gulf Air, home of the fabled Gulf Air Girls, or as I like to call them, unicorns... Why unicorns you might ask? They are an elusive mystical creature, spoken of often, yet never seen. For months I was on a quest to find said unicorns, only to discover that they’d all shacked up with Marines and Coasties...
The first of my many new experiences was the flight over. For the first time in our lives, Bobbo and I were the suspicious passengers aboard a plane. I occupied my time with a German movie spoofing the many American space classics, Star Wars and Star Trek to name a few. The three main characters were gay from what I could tell and they were using a couch to transport them through time to stop an evil alien race and prevent the destruction of human kind. Hilarious Nazi hyjiinxs ensued...
Another first was seeing our names on a card upon entering the airport terminal, where we were greeted by our guide in Cairo, a man named Ackmed who suffered form extreme walleye vision.
Ackmed whisked us through customs and off we went. (A side note, this is the only way to go when traveling abroad...)
With seven hours to spare in Cairo, we set out to see the Pyramids.
The city of Cairo, or most of Egypt for that matter, has no traffic laws. There are lanes, people simply ignore them. It was nothing for a person to squeeze their car between two semis on a two lane highway...
And unlike here in Bahrain, where honking a horn can solve any problem from speeding up the driver ahead of you to stopping a head on collision, Egyptians utilize their high beams. This may seem odd, but when you consider that most of the time they don’t have their headlights on at all, the sudden presence of a car with its blinding lights barreling down on you is just as effective as any horn.
Our first glimpse of one of the wold’s seven great wonders was from the highway. Even from a distance they were an amazing sight, towering over the buildings like a man made mountain.
Contrary to what National Geographic and Hollywood would have you believe, the pyramids of Giza are not surrounded by the vast span of the Sahara Desert. In fact, they are surrounded on two sides by a city that is just as old as the pyramids themselves. It was inhabited by the workers and has been there ever since.
As our luck would have it, (and we seem to have no luck at all), the pyramids were closed when we arrived. The only way to get there was by horse or camel. We opted for the horse, because camels are ornery, smelly, boney creatures that make for a very uncomfortable ride.
We were warned before we left the stables not to take anything from the locals and to keep an eye on our wallets and personal effects. The villagers weren’t the main concern. Here the desert was the thief. As our guide informed us, its like the ocean, a lost wallet or camera would be quickly swallowed up by the sand.
The town itself reminded me of a lot of Iraq. Full of people living in squalor, trash everywhere. Little kids trying to sell us cokes and even littler kids at the reins behind donkeys, horses and camels. One boy, who couldn’t have been more than six years old was riding a horse five times his size, leading two others. It made for quite a sight, especially when compared to the six foot four Yeti, Bobbo, who could barely manage to stay on his horse. To be fare, the kid had a much lower center of gravity.
We came through a gate into the desert, rounded a small hill and then boom, there they were. It was like a scene out of Indiana Jones or some other movie, television special or book. The desert opened up into a long deep basin, and at its far end sat the Pyramids, in their true National Geographic glory. Little known trade secret, this is the angle that everyone shoots the pyramids from to give the feel that they are alone, surrounded only by desert. Those crafty bastards...
In Egypt, you can ride camels, horses, and the locals...
I’d never seen anything quite like it. Their sheer magnitude was enough to put you in awe.
I had to think, three thousand years ago, primitive peoples moved massive stones to construct something that even modern machinery could not do. How on earth did they accomplish this?
Then again, maybe they had some help. A school of thought says that the Egyptian people were aided by beings from another planet. They, along with the Mians, were helped to construct these amazing structures.
It may sound crazy, but how else could you explain it? It certainly would explain the precesne of
their gods and how they were able to perform such feats. Maybe they got too smart for their own good and these other beings decided that it was time to watch us from the cheap seats, occasionally coming down from the heavens to probe a random hick or tag our crops... Do you have a better theory???
Here are just a few more pictures of your favorite world travelers...
And of course, how could I pass up the opportunity to be the one millionth dumb tourist to do this...
I’ll skip the next part and move on to Hurgada, where we’d be staying for the next five days.
We roomed at the Sheraton resort, which is inhabited by old Nazis... If you’re up to snuff on your bible reading, you’d know that the Nazis and the Egyptians share a common bond. Not that I’m saying either was in the right.
On our first night, we were greeted by a welcome sight, Germain soft core porn. Something I never thought I’d see in the Middle East.
Being at the resort was like living in a home for geriatric Nazis and a honeymoon getaway all rolled into one. Being single there was like living through a week long Valentines day after just finding out your best girl was porking five dudes and had a nasty case of syphilis...
Fast forward to the first day of work.
Bobbo and I were being given the opportunity to do something that no American military publicist had done for a long time, cover an event in Egypt. I had the sinking suspicion that the Egyptians were under the impression that we’d take over their country if not watched closely...
Apparently Bobbo figured that this was a good way to avoid susspicion...
Our driver, Mohamed (a name as common in the Middle East as our John) didn’t seem to like the fact that he had to drive us around. He was accompanied by a nice man packing a nifty little sub machine gun, “for our safety”. Or was it???
(I am purposely avoiding any details on the training so as not to piss off the OPSEC wenies...)
The Egyptian Frogmen were very well trained. They only lacked in the area of equipment to carry out the job. Many of them had trained in America, at the EOD schools and the SEALs Basic Underwater Demolition School, or BUDS.
We were watched like hawks the entire time. A man, who I shall only refer to as “Mr. Wonderful” was constantly monitoring our work.
But, not to be hindered by international issues, we carried on.
Here are the highlights. We blew the shit out of an underwater mine, which gave me my first opportunity to swim in the Red Sea (a body of water that I’d recently traversed to reach Lebanon on one of my many journeys).
The Red Sea has an extremely high salt content, which allows for chubby bastards like yours truly to float with little effort.
I again went diving along the peir, where I ran into an ornery school of silver fish and got to have a picture taken through the propeller of a large tug.
Here I am displaying my mad skills.
I decided to swim into the fish, thinking they would immediately part like said sea I was swimming in, but I was sadly mistaken...
Instead of parting, they surged towards me, engulfing yours truly in a swarm of scales and gapping mouths. (Reminded me of a few female humans I’ve encountered in my day, ha ha)
Later, we exploded a small charge on the peir, blowing said fish to little bitty pieces...
Continuing on with our men blowing shit up fetishes, we destroyed several fake IEDs, which made for some cool shots.
During our stay, we took the opportunity to go on a four-wheeling excursion through the Sahara, which was an experience in its own.
First, a side note. We should all thank Alexander the Great for invading North Africa and adding a nice Mediterranean touch to the local women. And now back to the story.
We were fitted with the local head gear, which as it turns out, was a good idea. Sand traveling at over 50 kilometers per hour makes it very difficult to breathe and see.
Do you really think I would pass up the opportunity to rock the Buddy Christ?
We rode for twenty minutes through the desert into the foothills of some sort of vast mountain range. Luckily, I was able to dig deep into my hick roots where I recovered my ability to pilot a Honda Fourtracks... And unlike the last time, I managed to keep all four wheels on the ground.
Imagine coming up on this marauding pack of infidels in the desert...
In the mountains we stopped at a small village, where we ate local food (made in the sand) and drank tea (filled with sand).
It was at this point that I finally broke down and road a camel. One of the EOD guys, whom they affectionately called “Bucket” attempted to mount said camel, only to be tossed off when a small local boy jabbed it in the eye.
The perp...
We could only guess that this is what the boy did for kicks... Dismounting Americans from camels must be some fun pastime. I imagine that he went back around the hill and gave his buddies a high five...
The woman leading my camel hissed at me after I’d dismounted, which I can only guess means give me some money, dammit in arabic...
Here are some nice scenic pictures for you to enjoy.
That last one was for all you True Believers out there.
Fast forward to the end.
At the airport we discovered that our flight home had been moved an hour ahead, causing us to miss our plane. But never fear True Believers, because your hero is a veteran of random last minute flight plans... We hitched a ride with the EOD bubbas on my favorite military aircraft, the C-130.
Next stop, the NAG...
Until next time True Believers.