"It's About Making a Mess," PG-13, Cooking Fast and Fresh with West (Supernatural RPF)
Fandom: Cooking Fast and Fresh with West (Supernatural RPF)
Rating: PG-13 for language
Word Count: 3,548
Summary: Twenty year old West Collins is still doing the Youtube cooking show his father started with him when he was a wee child of one. Only now, he has a little help... and a bit of sisterly hindrance.
Beta: Thanks to embroiderama for the beta!
Author's Notes: Written for yuletide 2013.
(I like actor Anton Yelchin as a live action model for adult West. He's a little more well-kept than the West I describe here, but it's often hard to find an exact picture of a live action model when you're looking for one for a character. I chose this picture of Adelaide Kane to represent Maison as a young adult because she's got such a great "Muhahahhaha" sort of look on her face, which fits Maison's personality in this story. She doesn't fully meet the physical characteristics I detailed for Maison, but she's close enough for now.)
(The video begins with a landscape of the sun coming up behind a grouping of California palm trees, which are seen only from their tops up. Above the stiff fronds are the words that form the title of this Youtube series, "Cooking Fast and Fresh with West." This particular episode has extra text below the main title - "Episode 73 1/2." Some rather peppy, French-sounding music plays in the background. The series has been going for the last nineteen years or so, through several evolutions of Youtube and the maturing of its host, West Collins, who is now twenty years old. He is the first person we see, standing in the foyer of his family's California home, a tanned and slightly lanky young man with a mane of shaggy brown hair and a striped hoodie that looks like it's made of a cross between cotton and burlap.)
WEST
Good afternoon, and welcome to the seventy-third-and-a-half episode of Cooking Fast and Fresh with West. As you may be used to by now, today we will be cooking some of the best in vegetarian dishes that you, yes you, can make at home, with me as your skilled and learned guide. You can be sure that I know what I'm talking about because I have sampled and even eaten every dish I will present to you on Cooking Fast and Fresh.
(His younger, teenage sister, Maison, now pops her top half into frame. She's a bit rounder than her brother, with darker brown hair and cat's eye glasses. Maison also has very striking cobalt blue eyes just like her actor father, Misha Collins. She has her hands folded together behind her back and a smug look upon her face.)
MAISON
Even the stupid ones.
WEST
Are you saying that some of my culinary ideas are stupid?
MAISON
I thought I was pretty clear.
WEST
That was, like, seventeen years ago.
MAISON
(looking up at him)
Pasta with jam sauce...?
WEST
And I repeat, seventeen years ago.
MAISON
I can't believe you people fed me that shit.
WEST
You'd eat anything back then.
MAISON
That doesn't make it okay.
WEST
I once got you to eat cat food. Mom was not happy.
MAISON
Yeah, you've told me. Asshole.
WEST
Doing it was totally worth every time you call me an asshole.
MAISON
Will it be worth every time I punch you in the stomach?
(She makes a motion with her fist like she's going to do just that, stopping just short of his midsection.)
That must've been before you became a yuppie vegetarian.
WEST
Ah, yes, as you loyal viewers know, my sister does not share my views of freeing your body from the toxin that is red meat.
MAISON
(cupping her hands as if she's holding a hamburger)
I wish I had a big, juicy burger right now.
WEST
That's not surprising, you bloodthirsty carnivore.
MAISON
Yeah, yeah. Can we go to the store now?
WEST
Yes, right after I announce what we're cooking for this episode.
MAISON
(She puts her hands over her heart and feigns anticipation)
Be still my beating heart. What is it?
WEST
(Taking out a list of ingredients and shaking the piece of paper dramatically)
Today we're cooking... Vegetarian Lasagna!
MAISON
Oh come on, in seventy someodd episodes of meatless crap, you have never made Vegetarian Lasagna?
WEST
(grinning)
Nnnnope.
MAISON
I would swear we made that like fifty episodes ago.
WEST
And again I say, nope. I keep a list and I have never repeated a dish yet.
MAISON
(snickering)
You keep a list. Your little Fast and Fresh list, which you keep in a treasured folder under your pillow.
WEST
Are you quite through?
MAISON
And the folder has ponies and little pink hearts on it.
WEST
For your information, we did cook things with meat in it at times for the first twenty episodes or so. Once I became old enough to -
MAISON
- not pick out crap ingredients that don't go together -
WEST
(talking over her)
- make better meal choices, we started cooking more and more meatless dishes.
MAISON
(exaggerating her facial expressions and voice inflection)
Oh my God, this is sooooo boring! These people have been watching this show like a bunch of lemmings for years and years. They know all this shit. Is the history of Fast and Fresh lesson really necessary right now?
WEST
(While she's talking, West leans on a nearby end table with a look on his face that reflects how unamused he is with her tirade. He rolls his eyes and replies)
You're a cavewoman. Would you like a big roasted dinosaur leg, eater of animals?
MAISON
Yes, please, that sounds delicious.
WEST
Not in my kitchen. Anyway, we should probably head to the store before it's time for us to collect social security, if it's even still around by then.
MAISON
But West, it would be rude to leave before our special guests arrive. They will be accompanying us to the store.
WEST
(perplexed)
Who's coming over to be in the video with us?
(Cut to Maison answering the front door and letting in Thomas Padalecki and Justice "J.J." Ackles. Thomas is a tall boy with bushy brown hair, a quick smile, and the build of a football player. Justice looks as if she could hold down a successful modeling career, with wavy strawberry blonde hair to her shoulder blades and crystal green eyes. The only thing that could hinder that career is the tendency for her ears to stick out quite noticeably. She tucks her hair behind one of those ears as she and Thomas enter the home.)
WEST
(Slapping hands with Thomas)
I should have known.
THOMAS
How's it goin', man?
WEST
So what are you going to do to mess with my video this time?
THOMAS
I'll never tell.
J.J.
(With a giggle)
You'll just have to wait and see.
WEST
Oh no.
(Laughs)
Shall we go, then? Or is your younger brother showing up here too?
THOMAS
God I hope not.
(The boys laugh. J.J. shrugs at the camera.
Cut to everyone arriving at the grocery store. West pulls into a parking space. He speaks out the driver's side window.)
WEST
Here we are at the store, ready to -
(Before he can even stop the car, Thomas bolts out one of the back doors and runs toward the store, arms flailing.)
THOMAS
I wanna ride in the cart! Me, me, I get to ride in the cart!
(Maison and J.J. exit the car, looking amused and embarrassed at the same time.)
MAISON
Who was that? Do we know him?
J.J.
Yes, unfortunately.
WEST
As I was trying to say, here we are at the store. Get your pen and paper ready for a list of ingredients!
(The next shot is of West standing next to shelves of various types of pasta. Maison and J.J. are milling around the cart, while Thomas is sitting in the cart with his legs hanging over the sides. West pretends he doesn't really notice.)
WEST
Do you have your pen ready? Here we go. First you'll need a 16 ounce package of lasagna noodles.
(Maison and J.J. pose next to the lasagna noodles, gesturing toward it with their hands as if they are models showcasing a prize on "The Price is Right." West grabs a 16 ounce package and pegs Thomas in the back of the head with it. Thomas jumps a little, but acts like it doesn't faze him.
The scene cuts between various parts of the store as West gathers the ingredients.)
One pound of fresh mushrooms, which will need to be sliced, so you can buy them already sliced if your store sells them like that, or you can slice them yourself. We'll be slicing them ourselves.
(He lightly pegs Thomas in the back of the head with the bag of fresh mushrooms.)
Three-fourths of a cup of green bell pepper.
(Again, Thomas is pegged in the back of the head with the bell pepper.)
One onion.
(Pegs Thomas in the head with it, hard.)
THOMAS
Ow.
WEST
You'll need to chop up the onion and use three-fourths of a cup of it in your lasagna.
Three cloves of garlic, minced. We're just going to buy a whole piece of garlic and mince the cloves ourselves.
One teaspoon of dried basil.
THOMAS
Are you sure we don't need five inches of anything?
J.J.
Or, you know, just 'a lot'?
WEST
(Rolls his eyes at the camera)
I'm quite sure, thank you. And now, for the cheeses. These are the best part of the dish. (Kissing his fingers and throwing the kiss at the camera.) Mmmmwa!
MAISON
You know, some people would not consider a lasagna with cheese in it to be a true vegetarian lasagna.
WEST
How can you have lasagna without cheese?
THOMAS
I would say that about lasagna without meat.
WEST
I'm not making it for you, then.
(He pegs Thomas in the head with a package of shredded cheese.)
Four cups of shredded mozzarella cheese.
(West picks up a block of cheese and drops it on Thomas's head.)
THOMAS
Man, that really hurts!
WEST
(Talking over him)
Half a cup of grated Parmesan cheese... and a 15 ounce container of part-skim ricotta cheese.
THOMAS
If you drop that on my head, I'm gonna beat you.
(He picks up the onion and lobs it over his shoulder at West's face, who catches it. J.J. takes the ricotta cheese and onion from him and puts them in the cart, maneuvering around Thomas.)
WEST
Two eggs.
(As he picks up the egg carton, Thomas scrambles madly out of the cart, accidentally tossing the package of shredded cheese across the aisle with one of his flailing feet. Maison goes to get it. West ignores the whole thing.)
Two tablespoons of vegetable oil, and finally...
(Cut back to the pasta aisle.)
...Two 26 ounce jars of your favorite pasta sauce.
(J.J. gestures to the various brands of sauce with spokesmodel hand motions.)
MAISON
So, you're just going to use eggs and not even acknowledge that many vegetarians don't eat eggs either?
WEST
(Looking at the camera with exasperation)
Mom, will you tell her to stop messing up my video?
THOMAS
(Suddenly jumping back from the cart)
Owwww, I ran over my toe with the cart!
(He pretends to cry like a baby.)
WEST
Oh, ha, ha, I get it. Really funny, Padablecky.
THOMAS
I wanna pick out the ingredients of our dinner! We need six different kinds of cabbage, a watermelon, and some nasty-looking brown sugar sweet potatoes!
MAISON
And juniper berries!
(Looking at the camera, West makes cutting motions across his neck with his hand.
The scene changes to West standing in line, waiting to check out. Maison is thumbing through a magazine, but Thomas and J.J. are nowhere to be seen. West checks out, making small talk with the cashier about his video and what he is making.)
MAISON
(To the cashier)
Now, would you say that a lasagna is truly vegetarian if it includes regular eggs and plain ol' supermarket cheese? Some people would say -
(As she tries to go on speaking, West gets her in a headlock and rubs his fist into her hair. She sticks out her tongue and makes an "Ehhhhhh!" sound.
Now West and Maison are standing by the car. West looks toward the store to see Thomas and J.J. running up to meet them. They have grocery bags in their hands as if they have also purchased something.)
WEST
(Suspicious)
What did you buy?
J.J.
(Shrugging)
Just some stuff.
WEST
(Says nothing, just eyes them with trepidation)
(The scene cuts to everyone back at the Collins home, ready to prepare the lasagna. West takes out the ingredients and performs all the mincing, chopping, and grating that is needed, with help from the others. Maison makes a few more comments about whether or not this is true vegetarian lasagna, J.J. asks if West wants to put any jam in it, and Thomas tries to sneak some ground beef from the fridge into it while West isn't looking.)
WEST
Hey!
(Makes like he's going to chop Thomas's hand off with the large knife he's holding. Thomas pulls the hand with the ground beef container in it back abruptly, laughing.
West shows the layered lasagna in its long casserole dish to the camera.)
Doesn't that look good? Just wait until it's done. You'll want to put this in your preheated oven for 40 minutes, and it doesn't need a cover.
THOMAS
You know, even though that doesn't have any meat in it, it does look pretty good.
J.J.
All that ooey, gooey cheese...
WEST
All you've been doing this whole time is make fun of my lasagna, and now you want some?
(He lifts his chin with a haughty look.)
I don't know, I'll have to think about it.
J.J.
Aw come on, I've barely said a word. Thomas said the most shit about it! (Pointing at Thomas)
THOMAS
Oh no way! Maison said a lot more than I did!
(Maison shakes her head.)
MAISON
It doesn't matter, remember? We have our own lasagna to make.
WEST
Oh, is that the stuff you bought at the store? You're making lasagna with meat in it?
MAISON
No.
(She and J.J. get the shopping bags and dump them out on the counter. We see bags of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, M&M's, and many Kit Kats.)
We're making Kit Kat Lasagna.
WEST
(Stares, speechless for a moment)
You're kidding.
MAISON
Do we look like we're kidding?
WEST
(Pausing to take it all in)
You're going to put all that shit together in one dish?
MAISON
Yup.
WEST
And then you're going to put that poison into your body?
MAISON
Oh yeah.
THOMAS
Mmmm, poison.
WEST
You're going to need some of my lasagna just to counteract that sugarbomb.
MAISON
Sounds like a plan! But first, let's put this baby together. Like regular lasagna, it's a matter of layering.
(She picks up a bag of marshmallows.)
You start with West's favorite, popcorn!
WEST
(Sighing)
You are never going to let me live that down, are you?
MAISON
(Laughing)
Popcorn. You were such a dumbass.
WEST
I was TWO.
(The others are laughing now too.
Maison begins by creating a layer of marshmallows. She puts the casserole dish into the top oven for a few minutes to melt the first layer, then begins layering the various ingredients until the casserole dish is full.)
MAISON
Our final layer will be a bunch of Kit Kats laid out in rows.
WEST
Oh man, how can you even look at all that and not throw up?
THOMAS
It's easy.
J.J.
Mm, yum.
MAISON
Some recipes for Kit Kat Lasagna that you'll find online add even more chocolate and candy.
WEST
That's a stomachache waiting to happen.
MAISON
Will you stop with the holier-than-thou bullshit? You know you want to try it.
THOMAS
(Eyeing the camera, almost whispering)
You can cuss in front of your mom?
(The scene switches to a shot of both lasagnas laid out on the counter, ready and out of the oven. Everyone makes "mmmm" noises and licks their lips. J.J. rubs her tummy.)
WEST
Doesn't that look good?
MAISON
(Waving a hand over the Kit Kat Lasagna)
Doesn't THAT look good?
(Next, everyone is sitting at the table with plates and forks. West proudly serves his lasagna, which the others seem to genuinely like.)
THOMAS
I know we gave you a hard time, but it really is good, West.
J.J.
(Nods and licks cheese off her fork)
Mmmmm, so good.
WEST
(Raises his chin)
Of course!
(The others "Awwww!" at him.)
MAISON
My brother. So modest.
(Once about half of the lasagna is gone, Maison serves up a helping of the Kit Kat Lasaga to everyone at the table. West makes faces at his serving, but is coaxed and prodded into taking a bite.)
WEST
Too much damn sugar in one place.
MAISON
You can't even give me one compliment?
WEST
If I was in the mood for something really sweet and totally decadent, this would be the first thing on my list.
MAISON
Awwwww...
(She kisses his cheek, purposefully leaving behind a smear of melted marshmallow. West scrunches up his face and wipes it off with a napkin.)
THOMAS
(While eating a bite of the dessert lasagna)
Diabeetus.
J.J.
Doesn't your dad always taste the things you cook too?
THOMAS
Yeah, get him in here.
MAISON
(Grins mischievously)
I have a really wicked idea.
(In the next shot, she is putting a layer of Vegetarian Lasagna in a fancy square bowl. On top of that, Maison puts some of the Kit Kat Lasagna, and then covers it with more Vegetarian Lasagna. The others snicker. The sides of the bowl make it so anyone eating out of it would not be able to see the various layers until it is too late.)
Shhhh, Mom, shhhh, don't tell, okay?
(West and Maison look at the camera and giggle.
Their father, Misha, now sits at the table. Maison puts the bowl in front of him.)
There you go, Dad.
MISHA
(His hair has gone grey at the temples, and he now wears glasses most of the time, but beyond that, Misha Collins still has his movie star good looks at the age of close to sixty.)
This is your famous Vegetarian Lasagna, West?
WEST
Uh huh. It's definitely in there.
(Thomas lets out a snort from off camera.)
MISHA
(Eyes them as if he suspects something)
Great.
(When Misha digs his fork into the lasagna, the Kit Kats make a crunching sound. He furrows his brow. When he sees the concoction on his fork, he knows something is up. Misha looks back and forth at his son and then his daughter.)
This is... interesting. What did you do to it? Do I see chocolate in this?
WEST
(Holding back laughter)
Dad, if you don't eat my lasagna, it's really going to hurt my feelings.
MAISON
And mine. So eat that and no one's feelings have to be hurt.
MISHA
(Eyes them again)
You're both grounded, just so you know.
(The kids laugh. Closing his eyes, Misha puts the bite in his mouth and starts to chew. He tries not to show how strange it tastes with the mix of the two different kinds of lasagna.)
Mmmmm. It's a... very interesting combination of textures and, uh, flavors. Could you, uh, explain how you came to put such strikingly different flavors together?
MAISON
Just to mess with you.
(Everyone snickers, including the woman behind the camera. Misha stops chewing.)
WEST
You might as well swallow it.
(Misha considers that and finishes chewing the food in his mouth, finally swallowing it. Then he takes a napkin and wipes comically at his tongue. Everyone laughs.)
MISHA
That wasn't supposed to taste like that.
WEST
Not at the same time.
MAISON
Sorry Dad, we were just messing with you.
(She brings out both casserole dishes to show him the two different lasagnas.)
This is how they're supposed to be.
MISHA
I knew something was up. My son was cooking like he did when he was three again.
(The next shot is of Misha chowing down on the Vegetarian Lasagna by itself.)
Now that is much better.
WEST
Thank you, Dad.
MISHA
A superior dish. I give it five stars. (Pause) Which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're my son.
(In the next shot, he is eating the Kit Kat Lasagna for dessert.)
Mmm, very good, Maison. Like a giant s'more. Nice way of sticking to the theme and sticking it to your brother.
MAISON
(Snickering)
Thank you, Daddy.
(West lets out a huff of mock outrage.
The camerawoman pans the counter to show the mess the group has made. There are empty packages, wrappers, and bags left behind from the cooking process, along with some leftover chopped onion, green pepper, and a few cloves of garlic. The peppy French music starts up again. West films his standard goodbye for the video.)
WEST
Dear viewer, I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as we did, and thank you for continuing to watch Cooking Fast and Fresh with West... (He looks behind him at the group gathered around the table) ...and friends.
MAISON
Now we cook popcorn with the top off.
(The kids laugh and scurry around the stove, where a skillet of popcorn is popping with no top on it. Popcorn shoots up into the air every few seconds. West, Maison, Thomas, and J.J. try to catch the popcorn in their mouths; they are rarely successful at it, but it doesn't matter as much as the fun of making a mess, together.
Roll credits.
Head Cook, Writer, Director, Food Wrangler ... West Collins
Dessert Cook, Maker of Sarcastic Comments ... Maison Collins
Chef's Assistant, Pasta Spokesmodel ... J.J. Ackles
Chef's Assistant, Pain in the Ass ... Thomas Padalecki
IPhone 21 Camera Operator ... Victoria Vantoch
Guinea Pig ... Misha Collins
Follow us on Twitter @mishacollins!)
Rating: PG-13 for language
Word Count: 3,548
Summary: Twenty year old West Collins is still doing the Youtube cooking show his father started with him when he was a wee child of one. Only now, he has a little help... and a bit of sisterly hindrance.
Beta: Thanks to embroiderama for the beta!
Author's Notes: Written for yuletide 2013.
(I like actor Anton Yelchin as a live action model for adult West. He's a little more well-kept than the West I describe here, but it's often hard to find an exact picture of a live action model when you're looking for one for a character. I chose this picture of Adelaide Kane to represent Maison as a young adult because she's got such a great "Muhahahhaha" sort of look on her face, which fits Maison's personality in this story. She doesn't fully meet the physical characteristics I detailed for Maison, but she's close enough for now.)
(The video begins with a landscape of the sun coming up behind a grouping of California palm trees, which are seen only from their tops up. Above the stiff fronds are the words that form the title of this Youtube series, "Cooking Fast and Fresh with West." This particular episode has extra text below the main title - "Episode 73 1/2." Some rather peppy, French-sounding music plays in the background. The series has been going for the last nineteen years or so, through several evolutions of Youtube and the maturing of its host, West Collins, who is now twenty years old. He is the first person we see, standing in the foyer of his family's California home, a tanned and slightly lanky young man with a mane of shaggy brown hair and a striped hoodie that looks like it's made of a cross between cotton and burlap.)
WEST
Good afternoon, and welcome to the seventy-third-and-a-half episode of Cooking Fast and Fresh with West. As you may be used to by now, today we will be cooking some of the best in vegetarian dishes that you, yes you, can make at home, with me as your skilled and learned guide. You can be sure that I know what I'm talking about because I have sampled and even eaten every dish I will present to you on Cooking Fast and Fresh.
(His younger, teenage sister, Maison, now pops her top half into frame. She's a bit rounder than her brother, with darker brown hair and cat's eye glasses. Maison also has very striking cobalt blue eyes just like her actor father, Misha Collins. She has her hands folded together behind her back and a smug look upon her face.)
MAISON
Even the stupid ones.
WEST
Are you saying that some of my culinary ideas are stupid?
MAISON
I thought I was pretty clear.
WEST
That was, like, seventeen years ago.
MAISON
(looking up at him)
Pasta with jam sauce...?
WEST
And I repeat, seventeen years ago.
MAISON
I can't believe you people fed me that shit.
WEST
You'd eat anything back then.
MAISON
That doesn't make it okay.
WEST
I once got you to eat cat food. Mom was not happy.
MAISON
Yeah, you've told me. Asshole.
WEST
Doing it was totally worth every time you call me an asshole.
MAISON
Will it be worth every time I punch you in the stomach?
(She makes a motion with her fist like she's going to do just that, stopping just short of his midsection.)
That must've been before you became a yuppie vegetarian.
WEST
Ah, yes, as you loyal viewers know, my sister does not share my views of freeing your body from the toxin that is red meat.
MAISON
(cupping her hands as if she's holding a hamburger)
I wish I had a big, juicy burger right now.
WEST
That's not surprising, you bloodthirsty carnivore.
MAISON
Yeah, yeah. Can we go to the store now?
WEST
Yes, right after I announce what we're cooking for this episode.
MAISON
(She puts her hands over her heart and feigns anticipation)
Be still my beating heart. What is it?
WEST
(Taking out a list of ingredients and shaking the piece of paper dramatically)
Today we're cooking... Vegetarian Lasagna!
MAISON
Oh come on, in seventy someodd episodes of meatless crap, you have never made Vegetarian Lasagna?
WEST
(grinning)
Nnnnope.
MAISON
I would swear we made that like fifty episodes ago.
WEST
And again I say, nope. I keep a list and I have never repeated a dish yet.
MAISON
(snickering)
You keep a list. Your little Fast and Fresh list, which you keep in a treasured folder under your pillow.
WEST
Are you quite through?
MAISON
And the folder has ponies and little pink hearts on it.
WEST
For your information, we did cook things with meat in it at times for the first twenty episodes or so. Once I became old enough to -
MAISON
- not pick out crap ingredients that don't go together -
WEST
(talking over her)
- make better meal choices, we started cooking more and more meatless dishes.
MAISON
(exaggerating her facial expressions and voice inflection)
Oh my God, this is sooooo boring! These people have been watching this show like a bunch of lemmings for years and years. They know all this shit. Is the history of Fast and Fresh lesson really necessary right now?
WEST
(While she's talking, West leans on a nearby end table with a look on his face that reflects how unamused he is with her tirade. He rolls his eyes and replies)
You're a cavewoman. Would you like a big roasted dinosaur leg, eater of animals?
MAISON
Yes, please, that sounds delicious.
WEST
Not in my kitchen. Anyway, we should probably head to the store before it's time for us to collect social security, if it's even still around by then.
MAISON
But West, it would be rude to leave before our special guests arrive. They will be accompanying us to the store.
WEST
(perplexed)
Who's coming over to be in the video with us?
(Cut to Maison answering the front door and letting in Thomas Padalecki and Justice "J.J." Ackles. Thomas is a tall boy with bushy brown hair, a quick smile, and the build of a football player. Justice looks as if she could hold down a successful modeling career, with wavy strawberry blonde hair to her shoulder blades and crystal green eyes. The only thing that could hinder that career is the tendency for her ears to stick out quite noticeably. She tucks her hair behind one of those ears as she and Thomas enter the home.)
WEST
(Slapping hands with Thomas)
I should have known.
THOMAS
How's it goin', man?
WEST
So what are you going to do to mess with my video this time?
THOMAS
I'll never tell.
J.J.
(With a giggle)
You'll just have to wait and see.
WEST
Oh no.
(Laughs)
Shall we go, then? Or is your younger brother showing up here too?
THOMAS
God I hope not.
(The boys laugh. J.J. shrugs at the camera.
Cut to everyone arriving at the grocery store. West pulls into a parking space. He speaks out the driver's side window.)
WEST
Here we are at the store, ready to -
(Before he can even stop the car, Thomas bolts out one of the back doors and runs toward the store, arms flailing.)
THOMAS
I wanna ride in the cart! Me, me, I get to ride in the cart!
(Maison and J.J. exit the car, looking amused and embarrassed at the same time.)
MAISON
Who was that? Do we know him?
J.J.
Yes, unfortunately.
WEST
As I was trying to say, here we are at the store. Get your pen and paper ready for a list of ingredients!
(The next shot is of West standing next to shelves of various types of pasta. Maison and J.J. are milling around the cart, while Thomas is sitting in the cart with his legs hanging over the sides. West pretends he doesn't really notice.)
WEST
Do you have your pen ready? Here we go. First you'll need a 16 ounce package of lasagna noodles.
(Maison and J.J. pose next to the lasagna noodles, gesturing toward it with their hands as if they are models showcasing a prize on "The Price is Right." West grabs a 16 ounce package and pegs Thomas in the back of the head with it. Thomas jumps a little, but acts like it doesn't faze him.
The scene cuts between various parts of the store as West gathers the ingredients.)
One pound of fresh mushrooms, which will need to be sliced, so you can buy them already sliced if your store sells them like that, or you can slice them yourself. We'll be slicing them ourselves.
(He lightly pegs Thomas in the back of the head with the bag of fresh mushrooms.)
Three-fourths of a cup of green bell pepper.
(Again, Thomas is pegged in the back of the head with the bell pepper.)
One onion.
(Pegs Thomas in the head with it, hard.)
THOMAS
Ow.
WEST
You'll need to chop up the onion and use three-fourths of a cup of it in your lasagna.
Three cloves of garlic, minced. We're just going to buy a whole piece of garlic and mince the cloves ourselves.
One teaspoon of dried basil.
THOMAS
Are you sure we don't need five inches of anything?
J.J.
Or, you know, just 'a lot'?
WEST
(Rolls his eyes at the camera)
I'm quite sure, thank you. And now, for the cheeses. These are the best part of the dish. (Kissing his fingers and throwing the kiss at the camera.) Mmmmwa!
MAISON
You know, some people would not consider a lasagna with cheese in it to be a true vegetarian lasagna.
WEST
How can you have lasagna without cheese?
THOMAS
I would say that about lasagna without meat.
WEST
I'm not making it for you, then.
(He pegs Thomas in the head with a package of shredded cheese.)
Four cups of shredded mozzarella cheese.
(West picks up a block of cheese and drops it on Thomas's head.)
THOMAS
Man, that really hurts!
WEST
(Talking over him)
Half a cup of grated Parmesan cheese... and a 15 ounce container of part-skim ricotta cheese.
THOMAS
If you drop that on my head, I'm gonna beat you.
(He picks up the onion and lobs it over his shoulder at West's face, who catches it. J.J. takes the ricotta cheese and onion from him and puts them in the cart, maneuvering around Thomas.)
WEST
Two eggs.
(As he picks up the egg carton, Thomas scrambles madly out of the cart, accidentally tossing the package of shredded cheese across the aisle with one of his flailing feet. Maison goes to get it. West ignores the whole thing.)
Two tablespoons of vegetable oil, and finally...
(Cut back to the pasta aisle.)
...Two 26 ounce jars of your favorite pasta sauce.
(J.J. gestures to the various brands of sauce with spokesmodel hand motions.)
MAISON
So, you're just going to use eggs and not even acknowledge that many vegetarians don't eat eggs either?
WEST
(Looking at the camera with exasperation)
Mom, will you tell her to stop messing up my video?
THOMAS
(Suddenly jumping back from the cart)
Owwww, I ran over my toe with the cart!
(He pretends to cry like a baby.)
WEST
Oh, ha, ha, I get it. Really funny, Padablecky.
THOMAS
I wanna pick out the ingredients of our dinner! We need six different kinds of cabbage, a watermelon, and some nasty-looking brown sugar sweet potatoes!
MAISON
And juniper berries!
(Looking at the camera, West makes cutting motions across his neck with his hand.
The scene changes to West standing in line, waiting to check out. Maison is thumbing through a magazine, but Thomas and J.J. are nowhere to be seen. West checks out, making small talk with the cashier about his video and what he is making.)
MAISON
(To the cashier)
Now, would you say that a lasagna is truly vegetarian if it includes regular eggs and plain ol' supermarket cheese? Some people would say -
(As she tries to go on speaking, West gets her in a headlock and rubs his fist into her hair. She sticks out her tongue and makes an "Ehhhhhh!" sound.
Now West and Maison are standing by the car. West looks toward the store to see Thomas and J.J. running up to meet them. They have grocery bags in their hands as if they have also purchased something.)
WEST
(Suspicious)
What did you buy?
J.J.
(Shrugging)
Just some stuff.
WEST
(Says nothing, just eyes them with trepidation)
(The scene cuts to everyone back at the Collins home, ready to prepare the lasagna. West takes out the ingredients and performs all the mincing, chopping, and grating that is needed, with help from the others. Maison makes a few more comments about whether or not this is true vegetarian lasagna, J.J. asks if West wants to put any jam in it, and Thomas tries to sneak some ground beef from the fridge into it while West isn't looking.)
WEST
Hey!
(Makes like he's going to chop Thomas's hand off with the large knife he's holding. Thomas pulls the hand with the ground beef container in it back abruptly, laughing.
West shows the layered lasagna in its long casserole dish to the camera.)
Doesn't that look good? Just wait until it's done. You'll want to put this in your preheated oven for 40 minutes, and it doesn't need a cover.
THOMAS
You know, even though that doesn't have any meat in it, it does look pretty good.
J.J.
All that ooey, gooey cheese...
WEST
All you've been doing this whole time is make fun of my lasagna, and now you want some?
(He lifts his chin with a haughty look.)
I don't know, I'll have to think about it.
J.J.
Aw come on, I've barely said a word. Thomas said the most shit about it! (Pointing at Thomas)
THOMAS
Oh no way! Maison said a lot more than I did!
(Maison shakes her head.)
MAISON
It doesn't matter, remember? We have our own lasagna to make.
WEST
Oh, is that the stuff you bought at the store? You're making lasagna with meat in it?
MAISON
No.
(She and J.J. get the shopping bags and dump them out on the counter. We see bags of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, M&M's, and many Kit Kats.)
We're making Kit Kat Lasagna.
WEST
(Stares, speechless for a moment)
You're kidding.
MAISON
Do we look like we're kidding?
WEST
(Pausing to take it all in)
You're going to put all that shit together in one dish?
MAISON
Yup.
WEST
And then you're going to put that poison into your body?
MAISON
Oh yeah.
THOMAS
Mmmm, poison.
WEST
You're going to need some of my lasagna just to counteract that sugarbomb.
MAISON
Sounds like a plan! But first, let's put this baby together. Like regular lasagna, it's a matter of layering.
(She picks up a bag of marshmallows.)
You start with West's favorite, popcorn!
WEST
(Sighing)
You are never going to let me live that down, are you?
MAISON
(Laughing)
Popcorn. You were such a dumbass.
WEST
I was TWO.
(The others are laughing now too.
Maison begins by creating a layer of marshmallows. She puts the casserole dish into the top oven for a few minutes to melt the first layer, then begins layering the various ingredients until the casserole dish is full.)
MAISON
Our final layer will be a bunch of Kit Kats laid out in rows.
WEST
Oh man, how can you even look at all that and not throw up?
THOMAS
It's easy.
J.J.
Mm, yum.
MAISON
Some recipes for Kit Kat Lasagna that you'll find online add even more chocolate and candy.
WEST
That's a stomachache waiting to happen.
MAISON
Will you stop with the holier-than-thou bullshit? You know you want to try it.
THOMAS
(Eyeing the camera, almost whispering)
You can cuss in front of your mom?
(The scene switches to a shot of both lasagnas laid out on the counter, ready and out of the oven. Everyone makes "mmmm" noises and licks their lips. J.J. rubs her tummy.)
WEST
Doesn't that look good?
MAISON
(Waving a hand over the Kit Kat Lasagna)
Doesn't THAT look good?
(Next, everyone is sitting at the table with plates and forks. West proudly serves his lasagna, which the others seem to genuinely like.)
THOMAS
I know we gave you a hard time, but it really is good, West.
J.J.
(Nods and licks cheese off her fork)
Mmmmm, so good.
WEST
(Raises his chin)
Of course!
(The others "Awwww!" at him.)
MAISON
My brother. So modest.
(Once about half of the lasagna is gone, Maison serves up a helping of the Kit Kat Lasaga to everyone at the table. West makes faces at his serving, but is coaxed and prodded into taking a bite.)
WEST
Too much damn sugar in one place.
MAISON
You can't even give me one compliment?
WEST
If I was in the mood for something really sweet and totally decadent, this would be the first thing on my list.
MAISON
Awwwww...
(She kisses his cheek, purposefully leaving behind a smear of melted marshmallow. West scrunches up his face and wipes it off with a napkin.)
THOMAS
(While eating a bite of the dessert lasagna)
Diabeetus.
J.J.
Doesn't your dad always taste the things you cook too?
THOMAS
Yeah, get him in here.
MAISON
(Grins mischievously)
I have a really wicked idea.
(In the next shot, she is putting a layer of Vegetarian Lasagna in a fancy square bowl. On top of that, Maison puts some of the Kit Kat Lasagna, and then covers it with more Vegetarian Lasagna. The others snicker. The sides of the bowl make it so anyone eating out of it would not be able to see the various layers until it is too late.)
Shhhh, Mom, shhhh, don't tell, okay?
(West and Maison look at the camera and giggle.
Their father, Misha, now sits at the table. Maison puts the bowl in front of him.)
There you go, Dad.
MISHA
(His hair has gone grey at the temples, and he now wears glasses most of the time, but beyond that, Misha Collins still has his movie star good looks at the age of close to sixty.)
This is your famous Vegetarian Lasagna, West?
WEST
Uh huh. It's definitely in there.
(Thomas lets out a snort from off camera.)
MISHA
(Eyes them as if he suspects something)
Great.
(When Misha digs his fork into the lasagna, the Kit Kats make a crunching sound. He furrows his brow. When he sees the concoction on his fork, he knows something is up. Misha looks back and forth at his son and then his daughter.)
This is... interesting. What did you do to it? Do I see chocolate in this?
WEST
(Holding back laughter)
Dad, if you don't eat my lasagna, it's really going to hurt my feelings.
MAISON
And mine. So eat that and no one's feelings have to be hurt.
MISHA
(Eyes them again)
You're both grounded, just so you know.
(The kids laugh. Closing his eyes, Misha puts the bite in his mouth and starts to chew. He tries not to show how strange it tastes with the mix of the two different kinds of lasagna.)
Mmmmm. It's a... very interesting combination of textures and, uh, flavors. Could you, uh, explain how you came to put such strikingly different flavors together?
MAISON
Just to mess with you.
(Everyone snickers, including the woman behind the camera. Misha stops chewing.)
WEST
You might as well swallow it.
(Misha considers that and finishes chewing the food in his mouth, finally swallowing it. Then he takes a napkin and wipes comically at his tongue. Everyone laughs.)
MISHA
That wasn't supposed to taste like that.
WEST
Not at the same time.
MAISON
Sorry Dad, we were just messing with you.
(She brings out both casserole dishes to show him the two different lasagnas.)
This is how they're supposed to be.
MISHA
I knew something was up. My son was cooking like he did when he was three again.
(The next shot is of Misha chowing down on the Vegetarian Lasagna by itself.)
Now that is much better.
WEST
Thank you, Dad.
MISHA
A superior dish. I give it five stars. (Pause) Which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're my son.
(In the next shot, he is eating the Kit Kat Lasagna for dessert.)
Mmm, very good, Maison. Like a giant s'more. Nice way of sticking to the theme and sticking it to your brother.
MAISON
(Snickering)
Thank you, Daddy.
(West lets out a huff of mock outrage.
The camerawoman pans the counter to show the mess the group has made. There are empty packages, wrappers, and bags left behind from the cooking process, along with some leftover chopped onion, green pepper, and a few cloves of garlic. The peppy French music starts up again. West films his standard goodbye for the video.)
WEST
Dear viewer, I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as we did, and thank you for continuing to watch Cooking Fast and Fresh with West... (He looks behind him at the group gathered around the table) ...and friends.
MAISON
Now we cook popcorn with the top off.
(The kids laugh and scurry around the stove, where a skillet of popcorn is popping with no top on it. Popcorn shoots up into the air every few seconds. West, Maison, Thomas, and J.J. try to catch the popcorn in their mouths; they are rarely successful at it, but it doesn't matter as much as the fun of making a mess, together.
Roll credits.
Head Cook, Writer, Director, Food Wrangler ... West Collins
Dessert Cook, Maker of Sarcastic Comments ... Maison Collins
Chef's Assistant, Pasta Spokesmodel ... J.J. Ackles
Chef's Assistant, Pain in the Ass ... Thomas Padalecki
IPhone 21 Camera Operator ... Victoria Vantoch
Guinea Pig ... Misha Collins
Follow us on Twitter @mishacollins!)