holding on by a thread....
So I am barely holding on...Last night was Halloween. I made sure I bought candy that would not trigger me...but I found something that was buried in the mix. I only ate 5 small pieces. Yet, I knew, by doing it, it would trigger the allergy, and start the binge. Well, it did. As I was gobbling it all down...I knew exactly what I was doing, and yet, for those 22 seconds of checking out and numbing out, I didnt seem to care. I always wonder why I do this. It really doesnt matter why I do it...but I cant help but wonder why. The Big Book of AA uses a phrase that I like to repeat...."the memory of recovery becomes threadbare when acting out..." To me, recovery is like a faint echo when I am in the middle of stuffing my face. When I do not have a strong program of recovery, I get a splinter in my mind to act out...I cant seem to rid myself of it. The more I try to ignore it, the more it festers...until I submit...and blow it. And even though I am 20 lbs from goal weight...I am not abstinent. That is the kicker, as I know, that 20 will in AN INSTANT, turn to 30, then to 50 and then I am back at 405 lbs. And all the "benefits" of being morbidly obese come back. The embarassment, the self hatred, the anger, the wallowing in self pity plus the diabetes, sleep apneia, heart attacks, 300+ chloresterol. I absolutely HATE this disease of compulsive eating---it robs me of my life--its slow, painful suicide.