'Amarantine' Chapter Five - Remember
Title: "Amarantine"
Chapter: 5 of 10 - Remember
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama
Summary: "He didn't have forever, but you do. And you wonder time and time again, if that makes a difference."
Author's Note: This is my first Atlantis fic in quite a little while, and it feels nice to come home every once in a while, I've gotta say. I've been working on it for some time now and I hope that it's reached it's potential. I've written it for anuna_81 as a gift.
This is set following "Ghost In The Machine" (in a sense). And it leads on to well beyond the end of the series. I hope that the fic can explain it for you.
Also noted: Each chapter will be accompanied by an Enya song. These songs have all been specifically chosen to coincide with each chapter, so please listen as you read. Think of it as a soundtrack. (Note: All mistakes and annoying repetitions, are mine.)
Disclaimer: All Stargate Atlantis characters and/or locations are the property of MGM. No copyright inringement is intended nor is profit gained from the distribution of this story.
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten
As you are rising,
to bring me my forgotten ways.
Strange how I falter,
to find I'm standing in deep water
Strange how my heart beats,
to find I'm standing on your shore.
~ On Your Shore, Enya
Chapter 5: Remember
"He said that I'd find you here." She whispers as the sound of the door swooshing closed fills your senses and the light of the stars overhead, smile down upon you. You're not sure how long you've been out here, but you're content in that it's brought you a moment's peace. Even though the air is chilled and the night has brought with it, a silent breeze, this place soothes you and you don't feel cold. It takes you a moment to register her voice, only several more to realise the intention of what she'd just said and you tilt your head up - looking with green eyes - upon a face that you feel you should know, somehow.
"How could he know?" Your voice is choked but she doesn't address it. She smiles and gently lowers herself to sit down beside you. You get the feeling that she was sent to retrieve you, but you're grateful that she's not making haste.
"He knows you," She shrugs as you meet her eye and you find yourself smirking. "they say that people who suffer from amnesia will often do things, subconciously, that they took for granted before. Like this place," She waves her hand out to the balcony and the stars and the spires of the city beyond. "maybe you came here because you were drawn to this place." There is silence between you for a time. Meredith is watching the stars and the few times that you study the side of her face in the moonlight, you think of a woman with light curly hair and you smile because you've seen a face you remember from before.
You open your mouth to address it, to mention how much she reminds you of someone you know. But you've got no idea who that person is and if you did, you're sure she wouldn't, so you stay silent. You watch, as she creases her brow and appears to ready herself to speak.
"My father," She begins. "told me a lot of stories about this balcony." She's smiling whistfully, looking up towards the heavens and you turn to try and see what it is she's looking at. But after several moments of staring up into nothing but sky, you realise that what she's looking at, isn't up there. "He told me about my uncle, how he used to sit out here for hours, just watching the stars and the sunset and the waves crashing against the piers. All of us watched him at one time or another; I vaguely remember even standing just inside those windows-" She's pointing just behind you, to where the windows open into a large, abandoned, office with an empty vase on the desk and plaques on the walls, covered in years of dust. "-watching him, wondering what he was thinking. I always thought that he knew I was there, but he never asked me to leave. He never," She took a deep breath pressing her eyes closed for a moment before turning slightly to see your face. You know you look confused, but you hope that your expression can convey both that and the fascination you feel, with what she's telling you.
You're afraid of him, you're sure of that. Because he knows who you are and he knows your past. He doesn't know why you haven't aged a day, but he doesn't question it in a way that makes you feel that he could have some idea. But that doesn't stop you from wondering why it is that he seemed so passionate about your return, so open and aged in a matter of moments that it took your breath away.
"-he behaved like he didn't care that people watched him. I didn't quite understand it, I was only a child and there were so many secrets here, back then. My father told me not to pry and I tried my hardest not too, but it's in my nature to be curious, it's part of why we're still here, searching the database and continuing to learn. What he did tell me, was that my Uncle - John Sheppard," She clarified. "was waiting for something. He was prone to rambling, my Dad," Meredith laughed gently and you find it difficult not to share in her mirth. "but when he wanted to be sincere, he was so warm and loving. He did mutter about various reasons that Uncle John behaved in the way that he did, spending his time reading in locked rooms, hiding from IOA visits and spending most of his evenings out here. But I always knew which reason was the truth."
"What was it?" You realise momentarily, that you haven't spoken in some time and you blush at the smirk on her lips because she's noticed the same thing.
"You know," She smirks. "he's not really my uncle." You don't mention that she's avoided your question.
"Oh?" You don't know why, but you're suddenly intrigued because you get the feeling that this small revelation could help you remember.
"My Grandfather was Doctor Rodney McKay." She states and your heart quickens slightly at the sound of that name. "My father told me stories about how, many years ago, this city used to be on a different planet, in a different ocean, far from here and that my Grandfather and 'Uncle John' were members of an expedition to explore distant worlds." She shrugged. "I was never quite convinced that was true. I mean, I grew up here and I've always known that this city was special; But I've always been able to see the lights of San Fransisco from my bedroom window. It's amazing what the human mind can refuse to believe if given enough to cling to."
"'That's what it's called? San Fransisco?" You question and she nods, smiling before standing up and moving to the rail. Hesitantly, you follow her and stand beside her with the wind catching in your hair.
"Look," She pointed towards the shore. "if you look closely enough, you can see the lights from the trams at night, moving up and down the hills. I lived there for a short time when I was a child, my mother took me to school there. But when I was eighteen, I came back here. I travelled a little, and whilst I was working on my Ph.D I spent a lot of time in Washington. But this is home." She looks down at her hands and you notice her fidgit and you feel, somewhere within you, that she's trying her hardest not to look at you. "all of my life I've felt tied to this place," there is a tear in her eye and you can see it as the light from the moon makes it glisten. "but the stories." She takes a deep breath. "My father told me that when he was a child, Uncle John was a dark, troubled man. Moreso than he is now. He told me that," She takes a deep breath and you stare in deep concentration, listening to every word like a breath into your body. "my uncle was waiting for something. I didn't know then, what that something was and when my Grandfather sat me on his knee and told me stories about the woman that used to lead this city, I thought his tales wonderous at first and ludicrous as I got older." She turns and suddenly she's looking straight at you and you're afraid that you're to blame for this strangeness you see in her eyes. "Only a handful of scientists work this city now, it's halls are locked and it's rooms are abandoned. We study it's secrets because we know there is still so much here to learn, but the days of the glory of this city, died with him." She looks up and you can see his face before you, his lop-sided smirk, his wide, untamable eyes, you see his passion and you see his arrogance and you feel your heart constrict at the idea that it could possibly be coming back to you.
"I do feel tied to this place, as tied to it as he or my father ever were. But standing here with you now, seeing how my Uncle's eyes have finally opened, seeing him smile in a way that I've never seen him smile. I realise now, that you," She takes another long, deep breath and she's looking straight into your soul. "you are this place."
"I don't," You stammer and you look away; you're trying not to believe that and you're not entirely sure why. Maybe because, since the moment you arrived, you felt like you were where you were supposed to be. Naked and alone on the freezing edge of the water and you weren't terrified. The feel of the metal beneath you fingertips had been strange, but not unfamiliar and as you look up into the sky, you can see that the constellations are like a memory from a dream, or maybe not a dream.
"You are." She's smiling and you're confused but she takes your hands in her own and she doesn't turn away. "in my entire life, I've barely ever seen my uncle smile. Today," She paused, swallowing. "you have to let him tell you his story. I can only tell you so much, but he lived in a time when this city flew through the stars. There are things he can tell you that I've never even believed. I know that you're afraid, I would be too, but I don't think you have the time to be afraid."
"I'm," You hesitate as a realisation hits you. You stare into her eyes, feeling the whir of past experiences - out of order and out of whack- running through your head in fast-forward. She's smiling, waiting patiently for your reply, but all you can see is his eyes staring back at you and you remember now, who it is that she looks like and you're sure it's only a woman you may have met twice before, perhaps less because you can't remember her voice. Her hair was a soft brown, curls and full so unlike her brother's and she had a kind smile. You're not sure why she's the first you remember, because wouldn't it make more sense to remember those closest to your heart? But she looks so much like her and maybe that's why, you don't really know. But then an image of John pops into your mind, jumping out from nowhere and you startle. You realise belatedly that you startled physically and Meredith has a firmer grip on your hands, a worried look in her eyes. You see his dark hair and his green eyes, no longer clouded over but vibrant and sure and he's smiling down at you like you're all he needs in the world. And then it hits you. "I'm not afraid of knowing." You breathe in and out as your heart pounds. "I want to know." Tears are pouring down your cheeks as the faces attack you and call to you and your mind throbs with the pain of release. It's small peices, it's not everything. But it's heavy and it's intense and you want it to keep going but you want it to stop. "I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him again."
"Elizabeth," You sob as she says your name, because it still sounds so strange to your ears. She's reaching for you and you can feel her fingertips against your cheek as you turn your face into her hand, weeping for the man you haven't yet lost. "you have time."
"No," You rise suddenly. Your eyes are puffy and you know they're red, but you hope that it doesn't look so bad with only the light of the moon to show it. "no, I don't. He's over ninety years old and I'm what? thirty-five?"
"He can tell you who you are." She emphasises nearly every word and you feel a little guilty, because she's trying so hard to convince you. But you know you're right. The universe can't be that merciful. Nothing is that merciful.
"And then he'll go and I'll say goodbye and I'll be alone again."
"Elizabeth," She smiles gently and you turn your eyes away because you know that whatever she says next is going to be right. "you can't let that be reason for you not to try. It's not his fault."
"And I don't blame him!" You look up sharply, eyes blaring though you know she didn't mean it to be hurtful so you take a deep breath and study your fingers. "I could never blame him. I just," She's watching you and you wish that you could hate her for her close concern, so that you could tell her to back off. But you can't and you tell yourself that you won't. "I just don't know where to start."
"Go to him." Meredith smiles and nudges your hand with the back of her knuckles.
"I don't,"
She cuts you off with a smirk. "Elizabeth, go to him. Trust me, he's been thinking about what to say for the last sixty years. Let him talk."
TBC.
Chapter: 5 of 10 - Remember
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama
Summary: "He didn't have forever, but you do. And you wonder time and time again, if that makes a difference."
Author's Note: This is my first Atlantis fic in quite a little while, and it feels nice to come home every once in a while, I've gotta say. I've been working on it for some time now and I hope that it's reached it's potential. I've written it for anuna_81 as a gift.
This is set following "Ghost In The Machine" (in a sense). And it leads on to well beyond the end of the series. I hope that the fic can explain it for you.
Also noted: Each chapter will be accompanied by an Enya song. These songs have all been specifically chosen to coincide with each chapter, so please listen as you read. Think of it as a soundtrack. (Note: All mistakes and annoying repetitions, are mine.)
Disclaimer: All Stargate Atlantis characters and/or locations are the property of MGM. No copyright inringement is intended nor is profit gained from the distribution of this story.
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten
Click to viewAs you are rising,
to bring me my forgotten ways.
Strange how I falter,
to find I'm standing in deep water
Strange how my heart beats,
to find I'm standing on your shore.
~ On Your Shore, Enya
Chapter 5: Remember
"He said that I'd find you here." She whispers as the sound of the door swooshing closed fills your senses and the light of the stars overhead, smile down upon you. You're not sure how long you've been out here, but you're content in that it's brought you a moment's peace. Even though the air is chilled and the night has brought with it, a silent breeze, this place soothes you and you don't feel cold. It takes you a moment to register her voice, only several more to realise the intention of what she'd just said and you tilt your head up - looking with green eyes - upon a face that you feel you should know, somehow.
"How could he know?" Your voice is choked but she doesn't address it. She smiles and gently lowers herself to sit down beside you. You get the feeling that she was sent to retrieve you, but you're grateful that she's not making haste.
"He knows you," She shrugs as you meet her eye and you find yourself smirking. "they say that people who suffer from amnesia will often do things, subconciously, that they took for granted before. Like this place," She waves her hand out to the balcony and the stars and the spires of the city beyond. "maybe you came here because you were drawn to this place." There is silence between you for a time. Meredith is watching the stars and the few times that you study the side of her face in the moonlight, you think of a woman with light curly hair and you smile because you've seen a face you remember from before.
You open your mouth to address it, to mention how much she reminds you of someone you know. But you've got no idea who that person is and if you did, you're sure she wouldn't, so you stay silent. You watch, as she creases her brow and appears to ready herself to speak.
"My father," She begins. "told me a lot of stories about this balcony." She's smiling whistfully, looking up towards the heavens and you turn to try and see what it is she's looking at. But after several moments of staring up into nothing but sky, you realise that what she's looking at, isn't up there. "He told me about my uncle, how he used to sit out here for hours, just watching the stars and the sunset and the waves crashing against the piers. All of us watched him at one time or another; I vaguely remember even standing just inside those windows-" She's pointing just behind you, to where the windows open into a large, abandoned, office with an empty vase on the desk and plaques on the walls, covered in years of dust. "-watching him, wondering what he was thinking. I always thought that he knew I was there, but he never asked me to leave. He never," She took a deep breath pressing her eyes closed for a moment before turning slightly to see your face. You know you look confused, but you hope that your expression can convey both that and the fascination you feel, with what she's telling you.
You're afraid of him, you're sure of that. Because he knows who you are and he knows your past. He doesn't know why you haven't aged a day, but he doesn't question it in a way that makes you feel that he could have some idea. But that doesn't stop you from wondering why it is that he seemed so passionate about your return, so open and aged in a matter of moments that it took your breath away.
"-he behaved like he didn't care that people watched him. I didn't quite understand it, I was only a child and there were so many secrets here, back then. My father told me not to pry and I tried my hardest not too, but it's in my nature to be curious, it's part of why we're still here, searching the database and continuing to learn. What he did tell me, was that my Uncle - John Sheppard," She clarified. "was waiting for something. He was prone to rambling, my Dad," Meredith laughed gently and you find it difficult not to share in her mirth. "but when he wanted to be sincere, he was so warm and loving. He did mutter about various reasons that Uncle John behaved in the way that he did, spending his time reading in locked rooms, hiding from IOA visits and spending most of his evenings out here. But I always knew which reason was the truth."
"What was it?" You realise momentarily, that you haven't spoken in some time and you blush at the smirk on her lips because she's noticed the same thing.
"You know," She smirks. "he's not really my uncle." You don't mention that she's avoided your question.
"Oh?" You don't know why, but you're suddenly intrigued because you get the feeling that this small revelation could help you remember.
"My Grandfather was Doctor Rodney McKay." She states and your heart quickens slightly at the sound of that name. "My father told me stories about how, many years ago, this city used to be on a different planet, in a different ocean, far from here and that my Grandfather and 'Uncle John' were members of an expedition to explore distant worlds." She shrugged. "I was never quite convinced that was true. I mean, I grew up here and I've always known that this city was special; But I've always been able to see the lights of San Fransisco from my bedroom window. It's amazing what the human mind can refuse to believe if given enough to cling to."
"'That's what it's called? San Fransisco?" You question and she nods, smiling before standing up and moving to the rail. Hesitantly, you follow her and stand beside her with the wind catching in your hair.
"Look," She pointed towards the shore. "if you look closely enough, you can see the lights from the trams at night, moving up and down the hills. I lived there for a short time when I was a child, my mother took me to school there. But when I was eighteen, I came back here. I travelled a little, and whilst I was working on my Ph.D I spent a lot of time in Washington. But this is home." She looks down at her hands and you notice her fidgit and you feel, somewhere within you, that she's trying her hardest not to look at you. "all of my life I've felt tied to this place," there is a tear in her eye and you can see it as the light from the moon makes it glisten. "but the stories." She takes a deep breath. "My father told me that when he was a child, Uncle John was a dark, troubled man. Moreso than he is now. He told me that," She takes a deep breath and you stare in deep concentration, listening to every word like a breath into your body. "my uncle was waiting for something. I didn't know then, what that something was and when my Grandfather sat me on his knee and told me stories about the woman that used to lead this city, I thought his tales wonderous at first and ludicrous as I got older." She turns and suddenly she's looking straight at you and you're afraid that you're to blame for this strangeness you see in her eyes. "Only a handful of scientists work this city now, it's halls are locked and it's rooms are abandoned. We study it's secrets because we know there is still so much here to learn, but the days of the glory of this city, died with him." She looks up and you can see his face before you, his lop-sided smirk, his wide, untamable eyes, you see his passion and you see his arrogance and you feel your heart constrict at the idea that it could possibly be coming back to you.
"I do feel tied to this place, as tied to it as he or my father ever were. But standing here with you now, seeing how my Uncle's eyes have finally opened, seeing him smile in a way that I've never seen him smile. I realise now, that you," She takes another long, deep breath and she's looking straight into your soul. "you are this place."
"I don't," You stammer and you look away; you're trying not to believe that and you're not entirely sure why. Maybe because, since the moment you arrived, you felt like you were where you were supposed to be. Naked and alone on the freezing edge of the water and you weren't terrified. The feel of the metal beneath you fingertips had been strange, but not unfamiliar and as you look up into the sky, you can see that the constellations are like a memory from a dream, or maybe not a dream.
"You are." She's smiling and you're confused but she takes your hands in her own and she doesn't turn away. "in my entire life, I've barely ever seen my uncle smile. Today," She paused, swallowing. "you have to let him tell you his story. I can only tell you so much, but he lived in a time when this city flew through the stars. There are things he can tell you that I've never even believed. I know that you're afraid, I would be too, but I don't think you have the time to be afraid."
"I'm," You hesitate as a realisation hits you. You stare into her eyes, feeling the whir of past experiences - out of order and out of whack- running through your head in fast-forward. She's smiling, waiting patiently for your reply, but all you can see is his eyes staring back at you and you remember now, who it is that she looks like and you're sure it's only a woman you may have met twice before, perhaps less because you can't remember her voice. Her hair was a soft brown, curls and full so unlike her brother's and she had a kind smile. You're not sure why she's the first you remember, because wouldn't it make more sense to remember those closest to your heart? But she looks so much like her and maybe that's why, you don't really know. But then an image of John pops into your mind, jumping out from nowhere and you startle. You realise belatedly that you startled physically and Meredith has a firmer grip on your hands, a worried look in her eyes. You see his dark hair and his green eyes, no longer clouded over but vibrant and sure and he's smiling down at you like you're all he needs in the world. And then it hits you. "I'm not afraid of knowing." You breathe in and out as your heart pounds. "I want to know." Tears are pouring down your cheeks as the faces attack you and call to you and your mind throbs with the pain of release. It's small peices, it's not everything. But it's heavy and it's intense and you want it to keep going but you want it to stop. "I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him again."
"Elizabeth," You sob as she says your name, because it still sounds so strange to your ears. She's reaching for you and you can feel her fingertips against your cheek as you turn your face into her hand, weeping for the man you haven't yet lost. "you have time."
"No," You rise suddenly. Your eyes are puffy and you know they're red, but you hope that it doesn't look so bad with only the light of the moon to show it. "no, I don't. He's over ninety years old and I'm what? thirty-five?"
"He can tell you who you are." She emphasises nearly every word and you feel a little guilty, because she's trying so hard to convince you. But you know you're right. The universe can't be that merciful. Nothing is that merciful.
"And then he'll go and I'll say goodbye and I'll be alone again."
"Elizabeth," She smiles gently and you turn your eyes away because you know that whatever she says next is going to be right. "you can't let that be reason for you not to try. It's not his fault."
"And I don't blame him!" You look up sharply, eyes blaring though you know she didn't mean it to be hurtful so you take a deep breath and study your fingers. "I could never blame him. I just," She's watching you and you wish that you could hate her for her close concern, so that you could tell her to back off. But you can't and you tell yourself that you won't. "I just don't know where to start."
"Go to him." Meredith smiles and nudges your hand with the back of her knuckles.
"I don't,"
She cuts you off with a smirk. "Elizabeth, go to him. Trust me, he's been thinking about what to say for the last sixty years. Let him talk."
TBC.