'Amarantine' Chapter Two - Rain
Title: "Amarantine"
Chapter: 2 of 10 - Rain
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama
Summary: "He didn't have forever, but you do. And you wonder time and time again, if that makes a difference."
Author's Note: This is my first Atlantis fic in quite a little while, and it feels nice to come home every once in a while, I've gotta say. I've been working on it for some time now and I hope that it's reached it's potential. I've written it for anuna_81 as a gift.
This is set following "Ghost In The Machine" (in a sense). And it leads on to well beyond the end of the series. I hope that the fic can explain it for you.
Also noted: Each chapter will be accompanied by an Enya song. These songs have all been specifically chosen to coincide with each chapter, so please listen as you read. Think of it as a soundtrack.
Disclaimer: All Stargate Atlantis characters and/or locations are the property of MGM. No copyright inringement is intended nor is profit gained from the distribution of this story.
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten
One day, one night, one moment,
with a dream to believe in.
One step, one fall, one falter,
find a new earth across a wide ocean.
~ Enya, Book Of Days
Chapter Two: Rain
Waking to an endless stream of light, you stare ahead of you and the thought that you can no longer see, so much as feel, doesn't scare you as much as you would have thought. It's because you don't have eyes, you don't have hands, you don't have sight, taste or touch, but yet you can feel everything around you as though all those senses have come alive at once. It's an all encompassing feeling, like the whole universe is suddenly inside you and the heat of a thousand splendid suns is pouring out of you like a torrential rain. There is a voice calling for you and while it's all around you, it's coming from within you too and you wonder for a moment, how you would have felt if you'd had to endure this when you were bound in human form. You don't let that thought linger, because your present memories of your life on the ground are filled with darkness and the overwhelming notion that you'd never hear a quiet word spoken in your ear - just behind the curls of dark hair your mother used to braid - as gentle kisses were peppered across your neck; you'd never hear the gentle laughter of a friend or feel the peaceful lapping of waves against your feet in the wake of a summer storm. Because you ended your days as something else you'd rather not remember.
The voice inside you is not your own and you're strangely comforted by his presence even though you were never really close. Fond acquaintances, you'd have said to anyone that asked, but not friends. And while he's speaking to you, while he's bringing you in and letting you see in a way that transcends being, you can suddenly feel them all around you, inside you. Some are strong beams of light and some are shadowed and further away than your stronger senses can reach. But they're there and he assures you that they're at peace. You worry for them, you can't help it, but he smiles and explains to you that weakness doesn't lie in choosing not to ascend. And suddenly you start to think that maybe Rodney is the bravest man you've ever known.
Teyla's there. Her soul is warm and her heart calls out for you, welcoming you with loving arms and for a moment, you forget the reasons why you hadn't come here sooner. You can feel them all in seeing nothing and you smile as every soul that's touched your life, brushes by you in moments; proving to you that they were worth the sleepness nights. And even though they seem to exist without regret, you're rather surprised that they waited for you. But then, you're not nearly as surprised as they are, that you weren't here first.
You're searching for him and you can feel Daniel's disappointment. But he's not disappointed in you, so much, as what it is that makes you suffer. You can feel him there, always close and for some reason you feel incredibly safe and grateful to him for accepting the task of setting your mind at peace. But all of a sudden he knows he won't succeed and you feel so very guilty for having let him see. And you're searching with your mind again, touching with loving strings, the hearts all the people you've loved and lost and found again in this place. But he's not there and you wonder if it's something you've done. Daniel promises you that it's not; he tells you in the way that substitutes the need for words here - a power you're surprised he's been able to master, considering both you and he had found such solace in words - that you don't need to worry.
Because they're all still waiting for him. And it's clear in that moment, that the two of you are the last.
And in that moment you know why he's not there. It's suddenly all that makes sense to you and if you'd had tears to release they'd have been shed upon your cheeks in a glistening waterfall of emotion; pain. Because he's still waiting for you and you're terrified that he's never going to be able to let go.
Daniel tells you a story; it's about a choice. And your heart smiles because you're sure that if anyone could understand, in this place, it's him. He knew what choice you had to make before you did and you're thankful that he found a way to hide it from the others. If you could have laughed, you would, because he's as much a rule-breaker as he is a saint and you're glad he hasn't lost that.
For the first time in what feels like millenia, your feet touch down on solid ground and you smile down at your toes, sharing a moment with the man who's moved up a step from 'fond acquaintance' because he understands the miracle of feeling your own feet beneath you. You take a tentative step before you laugh and realise that you've never forgotten how to walk. Billowing white fabric floats around your body like a halo, fluttering around your legs and brushing against the tops of your slippered feet and while you're marvelling at the remembered sensations the gown conjures, you know you're on a mission. You don't have much time and you don't want Daniel to suffer for your irrational needs, no matter how rational he tried to convince you that they were.
He didn't deserve to be punsihed for your 'human' desire and even though he insisted that he'd been down that road before, you got the feeling that a part of him didn't want to go there again.
Then you're there and he's there and he's looking at you like he's seen a ghost. You're too afraid to admit to him that he has. You frown and purse your lips because he's old and you had never expected to see him like this, not now at least. You'd expected to see it come to this, expected to look at him in the mirror when you're drying your hair and tease him about greys that were bound to pop up as the years passed. But he's old now and his dark hair is replaced by a white that's peppered with defused raven and you think that he'd look distinguished if he stood up straight and smiled; just once.
But he's doubled over suddenly and he's shaking his head, rocking it from side to side where it lay rested on his forearms and he's crying but you're pretty sure that you're not meant to know that. And as the rain starts to fall, you're too afraid to tell him that raindrops could never hide his tears from you because you're terrified he'll shatter if you speak. "You come now?" His voice cracks and you're not entirely sure what the question is supposed to mean, but you nervously offer him a smile and then he's reaching for you as though his words had held no bitterness at all.
His hands - frail and weather-worn - are pressed to your cheeks and you know your eyes are glistening because his touch - so different and yet, the same - sends a jolt through you that makes you stop and stare into his soul, the way you always did before, when he was just a corridor away and your stressful life was so much simpler. But he's frowning where you'd expected him to smile and you're confused, because just for a moment, even you forget that you're not really there. He doesn't say a word, just studies your features and you can see in his expression that he's trying to work it out.
But he hasn't come to it yet and you're sure it's not because he's stupid. He was never stupid. But age comes with it's demons and you're fairly certain that he lives with a few of his own because he's brushing his fingers through your hair and he's whispering secrets he shared with you well over sixty years ago. You remember them, of course, but sixty years ago is so much more recent for you.
You're standing in the rain with him, the lights over Atlantis are dimmed as the night rolls in and the salt from the ocean has drifted up to the tower. You can smell it and you remember how much you miss standing out here with him. He's battered and aged but he still looks every bit the hero; or maybe that's just your heart, filling in the blanks because you doubt he could hold a P-90 now. But it's pouring rain and he doesn't seem to care as he stares into your eyes like he's found the lost city of Atlantis all over again, and you start to wonder if he has the strength to realise that you're not getting wet.
As you disappear you see the face of a woman you feel you should recognize. But she's too young for you to have ever known and she's helping him walk, she's calling him Uncle and you feel tremendously guilty for the selfish gratitude that washes over you, because she didn't call him 'Father'. She wraps a blanket around his shoulders and you watch as she holds him close, trying to warm him but he's whispering your name and you feel like you could live forever, on his lips.
You're about to leave; Daniel is worried that you're going to be found out, but he stops and turns and you can't pry yourself away. You listen, as closely as you can and watch him as he looks out over the ocean from the window of what was your office, hasn't been in decades, but always would be in his heart.
"I always loved you, Elizabeth. I should have told you." And even though you're sure they'll tell him he was seeing things, it doesn't matter because he touched your face and he said your name and you can finally find peace.
But that peace is short-lived because John is gone and you can no longer feel Daniel's presence within you. The world around you is suddenly cold and you're falling, over the edge of the balcony rail and halfway down you can feel gravity's pull before the universe is gone and you're left with black; devoid of stars; again.
TBC.
Chapter: 2 of 10 - Rain
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama
Summary: "He didn't have forever, but you do. And you wonder time and time again, if that makes a difference."
Author's Note: This is my first Atlantis fic in quite a little while, and it feels nice to come home every once in a while, I've gotta say. I've been working on it for some time now and I hope that it's reached it's potential. I've written it for anuna_81 as a gift.
This is set following "Ghost In The Machine" (in a sense). And it leads on to well beyond the end of the series. I hope that the fic can explain it for you.
Also noted: Each chapter will be accompanied by an Enya song. These songs have all been specifically chosen to coincide with each chapter, so please listen as you read. Think of it as a soundtrack.
Disclaimer: All Stargate Atlantis characters and/or locations are the property of MGM. No copyright inringement is intended nor is profit gained from the distribution of this story.
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten
Click to viewOne day, one night, one moment,
with a dream to believe in.
One step, one fall, one falter,
find a new earth across a wide ocean.
~ Enya, Book Of Days
Chapter Two: Rain
Waking to an endless stream of light, you stare ahead of you and the thought that you can no longer see, so much as feel, doesn't scare you as much as you would have thought. It's because you don't have eyes, you don't have hands, you don't have sight, taste or touch, but yet you can feel everything around you as though all those senses have come alive at once. It's an all encompassing feeling, like the whole universe is suddenly inside you and the heat of a thousand splendid suns is pouring out of you like a torrential rain. There is a voice calling for you and while it's all around you, it's coming from within you too and you wonder for a moment, how you would have felt if you'd had to endure this when you were bound in human form. You don't let that thought linger, because your present memories of your life on the ground are filled with darkness and the overwhelming notion that you'd never hear a quiet word spoken in your ear - just behind the curls of dark hair your mother used to braid - as gentle kisses were peppered across your neck; you'd never hear the gentle laughter of a friend or feel the peaceful lapping of waves against your feet in the wake of a summer storm. Because you ended your days as something else you'd rather not remember.
The voice inside you is not your own and you're strangely comforted by his presence even though you were never really close. Fond acquaintances, you'd have said to anyone that asked, but not friends. And while he's speaking to you, while he's bringing you in and letting you see in a way that transcends being, you can suddenly feel them all around you, inside you. Some are strong beams of light and some are shadowed and further away than your stronger senses can reach. But they're there and he assures you that they're at peace. You worry for them, you can't help it, but he smiles and explains to you that weakness doesn't lie in choosing not to ascend. And suddenly you start to think that maybe Rodney is the bravest man you've ever known.
Teyla's there. Her soul is warm and her heart calls out for you, welcoming you with loving arms and for a moment, you forget the reasons why you hadn't come here sooner. You can feel them all in seeing nothing and you smile as every soul that's touched your life, brushes by you in moments; proving to you that they were worth the sleepness nights. And even though they seem to exist without regret, you're rather surprised that they waited for you. But then, you're not nearly as surprised as they are, that you weren't here first.
You're searching for him and you can feel Daniel's disappointment. But he's not disappointed in you, so much, as what it is that makes you suffer. You can feel him there, always close and for some reason you feel incredibly safe and grateful to him for accepting the task of setting your mind at peace. But all of a sudden he knows he won't succeed and you feel so very guilty for having let him see. And you're searching with your mind again, touching with loving strings, the hearts all the people you've loved and lost and found again in this place. But he's not there and you wonder if it's something you've done. Daniel promises you that it's not; he tells you in the way that substitutes the need for words here - a power you're surprised he's been able to master, considering both you and he had found such solace in words - that you don't need to worry.
Because they're all still waiting for him. And it's clear in that moment, that the two of you are the last.
And in that moment you know why he's not there. It's suddenly all that makes sense to you and if you'd had tears to release they'd have been shed upon your cheeks in a glistening waterfall of emotion; pain. Because he's still waiting for you and you're terrified that he's never going to be able to let go.
Daniel tells you a story; it's about a choice. And your heart smiles because you're sure that if anyone could understand, in this place, it's him. He knew what choice you had to make before you did and you're thankful that he found a way to hide it from the others. If you could have laughed, you would, because he's as much a rule-breaker as he is a saint and you're glad he hasn't lost that.
For the first time in what feels like millenia, your feet touch down on solid ground and you smile down at your toes, sharing a moment with the man who's moved up a step from 'fond acquaintance' because he understands the miracle of feeling your own feet beneath you. You take a tentative step before you laugh and realise that you've never forgotten how to walk. Billowing white fabric floats around your body like a halo, fluttering around your legs and brushing against the tops of your slippered feet and while you're marvelling at the remembered sensations the gown conjures, you know you're on a mission. You don't have much time and you don't want Daniel to suffer for your irrational needs, no matter how rational he tried to convince you that they were.
He didn't deserve to be punsihed for your 'human' desire and even though he insisted that he'd been down that road before, you got the feeling that a part of him didn't want to go there again.
Then you're there and he's there and he's looking at you like he's seen a ghost. You're too afraid to admit to him that he has. You frown and purse your lips because he's old and you had never expected to see him like this, not now at least. You'd expected to see it come to this, expected to look at him in the mirror when you're drying your hair and tease him about greys that were bound to pop up as the years passed. But he's old now and his dark hair is replaced by a white that's peppered with defused raven and you think that he'd look distinguished if he stood up straight and smiled; just once.
But he's doubled over suddenly and he's shaking his head, rocking it from side to side where it lay rested on his forearms and he's crying but you're pretty sure that you're not meant to know that. And as the rain starts to fall, you're too afraid to tell him that raindrops could never hide his tears from you because you're terrified he'll shatter if you speak. "You come now?" His voice cracks and you're not entirely sure what the question is supposed to mean, but you nervously offer him a smile and then he's reaching for you as though his words had held no bitterness at all.
His hands - frail and weather-worn - are pressed to your cheeks and you know your eyes are glistening because his touch - so different and yet, the same - sends a jolt through you that makes you stop and stare into his soul, the way you always did before, when he was just a corridor away and your stressful life was so much simpler. But he's frowning where you'd expected him to smile and you're confused, because just for a moment, even you forget that you're not really there. He doesn't say a word, just studies your features and you can see in his expression that he's trying to work it out.
But he hasn't come to it yet and you're sure it's not because he's stupid. He was never stupid. But age comes with it's demons and you're fairly certain that he lives with a few of his own because he's brushing his fingers through your hair and he's whispering secrets he shared with you well over sixty years ago. You remember them, of course, but sixty years ago is so much more recent for you.
You're standing in the rain with him, the lights over Atlantis are dimmed as the night rolls in and the salt from the ocean has drifted up to the tower. You can smell it and you remember how much you miss standing out here with him. He's battered and aged but he still looks every bit the hero; or maybe that's just your heart, filling in the blanks because you doubt he could hold a P-90 now. But it's pouring rain and he doesn't seem to care as he stares into your eyes like he's found the lost city of Atlantis all over again, and you start to wonder if he has the strength to realise that you're not getting wet.
As you disappear you see the face of a woman you feel you should recognize. But she's too young for you to have ever known and she's helping him walk, she's calling him Uncle and you feel tremendously guilty for the selfish gratitude that washes over you, because she didn't call him 'Father'. She wraps a blanket around his shoulders and you watch as she holds him close, trying to warm him but he's whispering your name and you feel like you could live forever, on his lips.
You're about to leave; Daniel is worried that you're going to be found out, but he stops and turns and you can't pry yourself away. You listen, as closely as you can and watch him as he looks out over the ocean from the window of what was your office, hasn't been in decades, but always would be in his heart.
"I always loved you, Elizabeth. I should have told you." And even though you're sure they'll tell him he was seeing things, it doesn't matter because he touched your face and he said your name and you can finally find peace.
But that peace is short-lived because John is gone and you can no longer feel Daniel's presence within you. The world around you is suddenly cold and you're falling, over the edge of the balcony rail and halfway down you can feel gravity's pull before the universe is gone and you're left with black; devoid of stars; again.
TBC.