Human Delusion
October 23, 2009 I got a message on myspace from someone I did not know with the subject line containing one word..."Blake". I opened it with concern as the little bit of tag that was showing from the message gave no hint of who was messaging me.
It turned out to be Blake, a person that I thought I once knew. I person that I know more about than I honestly should. A person that I've loved more than anyone, ever. Blake, at one point, stole my heart. He was everything to me. Then he ripped my heart to shreds. He threw me away. Disguarded me like yesterdays whore. And thats what I felt like for about a month. Then he came back...repeat cycle. He finally disappeared for too long and I knew he wasn't coming back for quite some time, if ever at all.
It broke me, it murdered everything I stood for. His leaving ripped every ounce of "happy" emotion to shreds. It, quite literally, took the death of hope to let him go. To not mourn my living loss.
So life goes on, I slowly get back to being a normal person after much alcohol and drug use. I find Drew. Drew isn't the same as Blake, he's only second best. But I still love him and feel safe with him. Drew won't leave. Drew won't fear emotion and will stick by my side. Life continues, Drew still present and then comes the shock and scare of our lives...I was pregnant. The argument to abort came up. He wanted the abortion. I didn't want to feel that kind of pain ever again. Back and forth and back and forth until I told him it was time to grow up, man up, face the facts. I was keeping the baby and if he wanted to tag along for the ride, he was more than welcome.
He called a friend of his to tell her the good news. This woman, so much a mother figure to him, asks if he's sure. Like its his choice to begin with. And she lodges a point in my head without even discussing it with me.
I'm stuck with Drew...forever. Even if we get divorced, I'm stuck. So I better love him. I'm sitting there listening to her tell him this and my thoughts go to..."What if Blake comes back?"
We travel down to New Orleans a month later, we announce the baby. The next night, we announce the wedding. Several of our VampireRave friends attend the quick ceremony. Many tears on all ends. All is well and happy and exciting and new. But in the back of my mind there is still that nagging question. What about Blake? What about Blake?
The internal struggle continues and I finally join in.
What about Blake?
What does it matter about Blake?
But what if he comes back?
So what if he comes back, we're through, we've been through. There is nothing there.
You know there was something there. You connected with Blake in a way you've never been able to connect with anyone else. He knows it too.
There was nothing.
There was everything.
This arguement with myself only made my life with Drew worse. I was still very much in love with Blake. I was still very much in love with Drew but it wasn't the same. It never has been, never will be. What if I tell Drew what I need? Maybe that'll fix this debate. So I did. Nothing, no response. Occasionally, I get a response for a day or two. Then nothing. Don't get me wrong, Drew is good to me, good for me. But still. I need more and Drew will not deliver.
Finally, in early October, I felt a big change coming. I've always been able to feel them. It annoys and scares me all at once. The changes can be good, but they're usually life altering.
And then came Blake.
My stomach jumps into my chest, my heart flips around, that rollercoaster feeling...that expression of pure joy. It happens every time I talk to him, about him, think and dream. I'm so happy. Happiness in its purest form. Hope that I may, once again, be happier than anything in the world.
He wants me back, badly. He regrets never telling me how much he loves me. He regrets being an asshole and disappearing. He wishes he could turn back time and try all over again because he'd be a different person. I'd be all his and he would tell me all the things I want to hear and life can be absolutely perfect.
Call it egotistical but I am the light. I am the light that shines on the lives of others. My role in another's life dictates how much light I spread and cast. There are two rooms. One is full, one is nearly empty. Both are dark. I stand between the two casting a small amount of light into each, just enough to be able to see the contents of each room. The first room holds my current life, Drew and Kyla. The second, holds an open window, a bed, and Blake. Each person, in each room is staring at me, eyes pleading to come back in. Eyes begging to remain the light in their lives. And all I can do is stand there and cry. I couldn't have made it easy on myself. They couldn't have made it easy on me.
With one person, I've created the most beautiful love I will ever see. With another person, I've created the most beautiful child. And that is the only reason I continue to stay right now. Had I listened to Drew and gotten the abortion, we would be no more. Blake would have come back and I would have been gone. There would have been no marriage, there would have been an empty void of nothing because I would have hated him effortlessly.
So now I sit awake when I should be sleeping. I ask myself how long until I make the final decision and walk into one room or the other. I ask what I really want from this life. I try and tell Drew, but the words never make it passed my lips. I try to encourage myself to ask the questions of Blake that are vital to our lives, our life together. I hope he'll slip up, answer wrong. He never does.
I weigh pros and cons, the pros exist most with Drew in the ways of common, logical sense. The life happiness factor lies strongest with Blake.
I know very well that I need to tell Drew. I know very well that he needs to be informed of what is going on. But its the holidays. His birthday is today. I do still love him very much. But am I in love with him? I cannot answer that question. All I know is that every time he hugs me, kisses me, touches me...a little piece of me dies. I'm killing him slowly and he doesn't even know it. I keep trying to tell him that I need a break to figure things out. I need time away from him to make sure of what I want. He doesn't want a break. Marriage isn't about taking breaks, its about working things out. But you won't, Drew. You haven't. Why?
One of these days I will gather the courage to tell him. One of these days, I will pull myself together and get the facts straight. One of these days, I'll hope again.
It turned out to be Blake, a person that I thought I once knew. I person that I know more about than I honestly should. A person that I've loved more than anyone, ever. Blake, at one point, stole my heart. He was everything to me. Then he ripped my heart to shreds. He threw me away. Disguarded me like yesterdays whore. And thats what I felt like for about a month. Then he came back...repeat cycle. He finally disappeared for too long and I knew he wasn't coming back for quite some time, if ever at all.
It broke me, it murdered everything I stood for. His leaving ripped every ounce of "happy" emotion to shreds. It, quite literally, took the death of hope to let him go. To not mourn my living loss.
So life goes on, I slowly get back to being a normal person after much alcohol and drug use. I find Drew. Drew isn't the same as Blake, he's only second best. But I still love him and feel safe with him. Drew won't leave. Drew won't fear emotion and will stick by my side. Life continues, Drew still present and then comes the shock and scare of our lives...I was pregnant. The argument to abort came up. He wanted the abortion. I didn't want to feel that kind of pain ever again. Back and forth and back and forth until I told him it was time to grow up, man up, face the facts. I was keeping the baby and if he wanted to tag along for the ride, he was more than welcome.
He called a friend of his to tell her the good news. This woman, so much a mother figure to him, asks if he's sure. Like its his choice to begin with. And she lodges a point in my head without even discussing it with me.
I'm stuck with Drew...forever. Even if we get divorced, I'm stuck. So I better love him. I'm sitting there listening to her tell him this and my thoughts go to..."What if Blake comes back?"
We travel down to New Orleans a month later, we announce the baby. The next night, we announce the wedding. Several of our VampireRave friends attend the quick ceremony. Many tears on all ends. All is well and happy and exciting and new. But in the back of my mind there is still that nagging question. What about Blake? What about Blake?
The internal struggle continues and I finally join in.
What about Blake?
What does it matter about Blake?
But what if he comes back?
So what if he comes back, we're through, we've been through. There is nothing there.
You know there was something there. You connected with Blake in a way you've never been able to connect with anyone else. He knows it too.
There was nothing.
There was everything.
This arguement with myself only made my life with Drew worse. I was still very much in love with Blake. I was still very much in love with Drew but it wasn't the same. It never has been, never will be. What if I tell Drew what I need? Maybe that'll fix this debate. So I did. Nothing, no response. Occasionally, I get a response for a day or two. Then nothing. Don't get me wrong, Drew is good to me, good for me. But still. I need more and Drew will not deliver.
Finally, in early October, I felt a big change coming. I've always been able to feel them. It annoys and scares me all at once. The changes can be good, but they're usually life altering.
And then came Blake.
My stomach jumps into my chest, my heart flips around, that rollercoaster feeling...that expression of pure joy. It happens every time I talk to him, about him, think and dream. I'm so happy. Happiness in its purest form. Hope that I may, once again, be happier than anything in the world.
He wants me back, badly. He regrets never telling me how much he loves me. He regrets being an asshole and disappearing. He wishes he could turn back time and try all over again because he'd be a different person. I'd be all his and he would tell me all the things I want to hear and life can be absolutely perfect.
Call it egotistical but I am the light. I am the light that shines on the lives of others. My role in another's life dictates how much light I spread and cast. There are two rooms. One is full, one is nearly empty. Both are dark. I stand between the two casting a small amount of light into each, just enough to be able to see the contents of each room. The first room holds my current life, Drew and Kyla. The second, holds an open window, a bed, and Blake. Each person, in each room is staring at me, eyes pleading to come back in. Eyes begging to remain the light in their lives. And all I can do is stand there and cry. I couldn't have made it easy on myself. They couldn't have made it easy on me.
With one person, I've created the most beautiful love I will ever see. With another person, I've created the most beautiful child. And that is the only reason I continue to stay right now. Had I listened to Drew and gotten the abortion, we would be no more. Blake would have come back and I would have been gone. There would have been no marriage, there would have been an empty void of nothing because I would have hated him effortlessly.
So now I sit awake when I should be sleeping. I ask myself how long until I make the final decision and walk into one room or the other. I ask what I really want from this life. I try and tell Drew, but the words never make it passed my lips. I try to encourage myself to ask the questions of Blake that are vital to our lives, our life together. I hope he'll slip up, answer wrong. He never does.
I weigh pros and cons, the pros exist most with Drew in the ways of common, logical sense. The life happiness factor lies strongest with Blake.
I know very well that I need to tell Drew. I know very well that he needs to be informed of what is going on. But its the holidays. His birthday is today. I do still love him very much. But am I in love with him? I cannot answer that question. All I know is that every time he hugs me, kisses me, touches me...a little piece of me dies. I'm killing him slowly and he doesn't even know it. I keep trying to tell him that I need a break to figure things out. I need time away from him to make sure of what I want. He doesn't want a break. Marriage isn't about taking breaks, its about working things out. But you won't, Drew. You haven't. Why?
One of these days I will gather the courage to tell him. One of these days, I will pull myself together and get the facts straight. One of these days, I'll hope again.