(no subject)
Insecurity is the devil. Insecurity makes you do rash things and hesistate doin things you know you ought to. Because of insecurity relationships fail, fights start, and bad behavior becomes a habit. People who are insecure about themselves do things they later regret and people who are insecure about there relationships tend to be over protective, and easily jelous. I have been insecure about myself my whole life, it wasn't until jr. year that I became insecure in relationships. I guess a broken heart and being told that some other girl was much better than you will do that. It stil hurts to this day that he cheated on me with her and then flaunted it in my face. I met her a few times after the incident and yes she was attractive but she didn't have the personality I had. Besides I was here and she was there, it wasn't until he slept with her that the truth came out. He called me one night and told me that he finally lost his virginity and my heart went into a million pieces. Instead of crying like I wanted I became angry called him everything but a white man and then went on to tell him that he was a jerk for telling me. I lost a very very very good friend the day he and I broke up and that to this day stil hurts. Anyway I became even more insecure when the next guy I dated cheated on me as well so hell Ithought I obviously wasn't capable of making a guy happy. Then Chris and I started to date and wham I fell in love yet again. This time was gonna be diffrent tho, I wasn't going to give him my whole heart nope only a lil of it because I couldn't help it. Chris and I broke up a lot actually between summer and him leaving for basic training. He left for basic loving me, he came back from basic and he seemed to well how do I put it, he was diffrent, I was diffrent we didn't hit it off agin until after I moved outta my house then he came over the night right before leaving for overseas and again he left loving me. When he came home on his two weeks he again no longer loved me or so it seemed. I had become a person I was ashamed of, and he was ashamed of me as well. I couldn't change my behavior tho, I was hurt and felt really unloved having been kicked outta my house and not having a solid place to live. It hurt so bad going to bed at night not knowing whether or not I was going to have a bed. Sleeping on couches and waking up craving a drink. I drank a lot and did a ton of stupid things but I reamined faithful and loyal to my friends. I just wish they could have realized it. I became really close with the judge family and love them all. Doing anything to hurt or betray them was out of the question and stil is. Even tho some believed then and may stil believe to this day I am not one to get involved with my friends ex's. Besides whenever I drank I wanted Chris and I tell you what I never ever stoped loving that kid. I was looking for someone to love me but all I found was the bottle and that truly became my best friend. Once I realized that I had fallen into a deep hole I started to climb out, I slipped along the way and wished so badly to have someone beside me to help me along the way but I managed on my own to get out. I had my friends Crystal, and Chris Nobles, and Mike to help me out and that made life just so much easier. Kinda sad tho that our friendship has fizzled away just like my friendship with just about everyone else. Im a married women and have a baby and yet Im stil insecure about myself, I wonder if this insecurity is a character flaw that will never go away or perhapse my self-esteem has been shot so much that Im afraid to let my gaurd down. I worry constantly wether im gonna be a good mom, and whether I can keep chris happy and if Im good enough for all the blessings I have. Like I said before insecurity is the devil.