an insight...
it's a funny feeling when you're smiling through helpless tears. they'd been building behind my eyelids for a while, pushed back by gritted teeth and "i'm fine"s. so i shall write a story, a story of a girl who smiles with her friends, who dances all night long, who has a million thoughts rushing though her head at any given moment, so that what she needs to say, can never be expressed. there's just too much going on. and when she tries to open up, to reach out, she hears stories of how people have been through things too, have had it worse, have got better. but she wishes...she needs...to talk about her deepest secrets sometimes..
selfish? probably
self indulgent? definitely
but no man is an island she tells herself.
she then asks herself, why do u lie? why do u suck it up and pretend everything is alright when ur hurting on the inside? she asks why she can't reach out anymore, why she never could. why professionals failed and why she's stuck with this for what seems the rest of her life.
she wonders why she doesn't cope like everyone, why it makes her so angry and why when she feels like this even her closest friends, when asking whats wrong, can never find out.
she wonders aloud what is wrong with her and why she makes such appalling decisions when it comes to men. why she craves someone to give her affections to, why she needs affection back, no matter how bad for her the man in question or the situation is. she asks herself more often why it is that the ones she loves leave her, why they never care enough to stay. is it this crippling sickness which drives them away? or just a part of her. or maybe its just the wrong choices which are her downfall.
i can't speak
i can't breathe
i can't tell my secrets
and i can't see through this haze of thoughts and feelings and inadequacies which i can't express.
will i ever truly get through this? will i just have to live with it? bcos sometimes, on days like these, i don't see why i should have to, or if i can
confessions of a helpless girl
xxx
selfish? probably
self indulgent? definitely
but no man is an island she tells herself.
she then asks herself, why do u lie? why do u suck it up and pretend everything is alright when ur hurting on the inside? she asks why she can't reach out anymore, why she never could. why professionals failed and why she's stuck with this for what seems the rest of her life.
she wonders why she doesn't cope like everyone, why it makes her so angry and why when she feels like this even her closest friends, when asking whats wrong, can never find out.
she wonders aloud what is wrong with her and why she makes such appalling decisions when it comes to men. why she craves someone to give her affections to, why she needs affection back, no matter how bad for her the man in question or the situation is. she asks herself more often why it is that the ones she loves leave her, why they never care enough to stay. is it this crippling sickness which drives them away? or just a part of her. or maybe its just the wrong choices which are her downfall.
i can't speak
i can't breathe
i can't tell my secrets
and i can't see through this haze of thoughts and feelings and inadequacies which i can't express.
will i ever truly get through this? will i just have to live with it? bcos sometimes, on days like these, i don't see why i should have to, or if i can
confessions of a helpless girl
xxx