Worst. Week. Ever.
So this is probably the worst week ever. I'm miserable, and tired, and feeling like a big bag of ass...
Dan & I broke up. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Things just haven't been right between us for awhile. Back in April we had a talk about how things have been kinda boring & "blah" between us. We were definitely going through a rut and we wanted to change it. We had a long talk about making more of an effort, not getting stuck in the monotony of go to work, come home, talk for an hour, go to bed, repeat. Things shaped up and I was content again, and I assume Dan was too. Then just recently, maybe in the past month, things have gone back to how they were. It's not that we were fighting or anything. We really never fight. It's just that I was bored. I felt myself somewhat dreading going to his house because we'd just sit there and watch tv, chat a bit, then fall asleep. I started thinking about making a big change.
The thing is, I haven't been single in a long time. 7 and a half years actually. As my long time friends will remember, I was with my ex Matt for 3 years (with a 6 months break somewhere in the middle). 2 week after he & I broke up, Dan & I were officially together, and we were together for 3.5 years. I've never had that chance to experience being a typical 23 year old... or a typical teenager for that matter. I've never been able to go to the bar & flirt with random guys or makeout with some random dude & regret it the next day. But a more serious matter, I've never been alone. I don't even know if I can be alone, and I'm quite scared at this point. But I feel that it's so important to know that I can be alone, ya know? In case down the road in life I ever did have to be, at least now I know I can do it... I hope.
I've been pretty naive about marrige in the past. When I was 18 I thought Matt & I would get married one day. Then about 6 months into my relationship with Dan I thought he was the one. I casually and somewhat "jokingly" bugged him to propose. Luckily he didn't. Earlier this year I woke up one day, and it was like I had suddenly matured over night. I realized that I don't want to get married yet. I'm too young! (please note: I'm not dissing young marriage, it's just not for me right now). I want to see the world, make mistakes, and learn so much more before I settle down. Now I'm not saying I couldn't do that with Dan. I could, and I would have been lucky to because he's a wonderful man. But how will I know that I'm ready to get married, and settle down, when there's so much I have left to experience? How could I know that Dan's "the one" when I have nothing to compare him to?
Before a lot of people find Mr Right and decide to get married they've had their heart broken a few times, and lived through a lot. I haven't. Sure I had a few boyfriends when I was younger, like 15, but those don't count. And yes I had 1 other serious boyfriend but that was just a mess and a silly immature relationship.
I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone other than me. Basically the bottom line is that I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't UNhappy but I also wasn't happy. I loved Dan, and still do, but I didn't know if I was still IN love with him. This was something I had to do, for me. To be able to say that I had no regrets.
Anyway, it was very difficult and I felt like I was gonna throw up the whole time. We talked & talked and I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I was beating around the bush and finally Dan said "You want to break up?" I cried a ton, I was practically hysterical. Dan cried a bit too. I feel awful for him because the timing for this couldn't be worse. He just found out this week that his mother has breast cancer. I thought about waiting to do this, but why delay the inevitable? Especially because I feared that we'd get so unhappy that we'd start picking fights so we would have an actual concrete reason to break up, and I didn't want it to end badly.
I had to work that afternoon. My friend Michelle knew I had done it as soon as she saw me. She gave me a big hug and I tried to stay strong as I sat beside her in the Operations office. Danielle turned around from her desk and said "Hey Amanda! How are you?" and I burst into tears. She took me outside and we talked for a good 20 minutes before I could go back inside. I went back into the office to try to talk to Michelle for a bit before I started my shift. Then Tara, one of our team service specialists, came in. She is just the sweetest girl and so caring. She could see it in my face that I was upset and asked me how I was. To avoid crying I just nodded my head and smiled. She told me if I need her, or her office, for anything to just come by. So about 15 minutes later before I started my shift I stopped into her office to ask if I could touch up my makeup, which I had successfully cried off. When I sat down she gave me a big hug and I burst into tears, again. Luckily I seemed to get it out of my system and I made it through the rest of the day with no tears. I did cry as I drove home last night though. It's my routine that every night when I get to my car I call Dan. Well I got to my car last night, reached for my phone... then stopped. It hit me that I don't have that anymore. I don't have someone I can just call for any stupid reason. So I cried most of the way home, as I text messaged 2 of my best friends at work for support.
1 good thing did happen to me on Sunday though... Jeremy, one of the ramp rats (the guys who offload the bags), offered to walk me to my car so I wouldn't have to walk alone. We got back to the parking lot and his car was right near the road. He told me to get in and he'd drive me to my car, which was at the back of the lot (and it's like, the biggest parking lot ever). I couldn't remember exactally where my car was... so we drove around trying to see who could find it, lol. When we did Jeremy pulled in beside it and we ended up just talking.. for 2 hours! Slightly after we pulled in he was like "Amanda, can you give me a shoulder massage? I'm so tense" (I'm known for my massages at work. I always end up walking around the ops office from desk to desk massaging shoulders, lol) So I said sure, I'm just going to toss my bag in my car, and change into flip flops" When I got back to his car, he was sitting there, with no shirt on, leaning on his elbow.. as if he was posing for an Abercrombie ad or something. This boy is HOT too. He used to play hockey semi-pro, as well as football, and still plays soccer. He has a tone stomach (6 pack) and the most amazingly defined back. He also has a tattoo that goes from shoulder to shoulder that says his last name, which is just... wow. I was just standing there, in shock, lol. He said he took off his shirt cuz it was sweaty and possibly smelled from working outside all day and he didn't want me to have to touch it. I wasn't complaining! ;) I told Kristy this story last night and her response was "You should have molested him" lol. I think it's a bit soon for that... ;)
Oh and in other news to add to my miserable week.. I have to go with my Dad to the vet today to possibly have my cat Mookie put to sleep. She hasn't been eating anything for about 2 weeks. We've been force feeding her with a syringe for about a week now. Yesterday I was holding her so Becky could feed her, and she peed on me (Mookie not Becky). She's just so weak she can barely walk. I heard a little thud yesterday so I went running out of my room to see he laying at the bottom of the stairs. She made it all the way down, then colapsed cuz it took so much out of her. She was covered in pee and so weak. Becky helped me clean her up & put her in a little box to sleep in (she loves boxes). Becky ended up sleeping on the couch in the office so she could keep an eye on Mookie all night. I can't even talk about this it's gonna make me cry...
*edit* Well at least I don't have to go to the vet.. I just went upstairs and my Dad told me that Mookie died during the night. My little sister is making a coffin right now and we're going to bury her in my backyard.
And I work the next 3 days 4:30am-3:00pm in the operations office. Today is my one day off after working 6 in a row.
I need a vacation...
Dan & I broke up. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Things just haven't been right between us for awhile. Back in April we had a talk about how things have been kinda boring & "blah" between us. We were definitely going through a rut and we wanted to change it. We had a long talk about making more of an effort, not getting stuck in the monotony of go to work, come home, talk for an hour, go to bed, repeat. Things shaped up and I was content again, and I assume Dan was too. Then just recently, maybe in the past month, things have gone back to how they were. It's not that we were fighting or anything. We really never fight. It's just that I was bored. I felt myself somewhat dreading going to his house because we'd just sit there and watch tv, chat a bit, then fall asleep. I started thinking about making a big change.
The thing is, I haven't been single in a long time. 7 and a half years actually. As my long time friends will remember, I was with my ex Matt for 3 years (with a 6 months break somewhere in the middle). 2 week after he & I broke up, Dan & I were officially together, and we were together for 3.5 years. I've never had that chance to experience being a typical 23 year old... or a typical teenager for that matter. I've never been able to go to the bar & flirt with random guys or makeout with some random dude & regret it the next day. But a more serious matter, I've never been alone. I don't even know if I can be alone, and I'm quite scared at this point. But I feel that it's so important to know that I can be alone, ya know? In case down the road in life I ever did have to be, at least now I know I can do it... I hope.
I've been pretty naive about marrige in the past. When I was 18 I thought Matt & I would get married one day. Then about 6 months into my relationship with Dan I thought he was the one. I casually and somewhat "jokingly" bugged him to propose. Luckily he didn't. Earlier this year I woke up one day, and it was like I had suddenly matured over night. I realized that I don't want to get married yet. I'm too young! (please note: I'm not dissing young marriage, it's just not for me right now). I want to see the world, make mistakes, and learn so much more before I settle down. Now I'm not saying I couldn't do that with Dan. I could, and I would have been lucky to because he's a wonderful man. But how will I know that I'm ready to get married, and settle down, when there's so much I have left to experience? How could I know that Dan's "the one" when I have nothing to compare him to?
Before a lot of people find Mr Right and decide to get married they've had their heart broken a few times, and lived through a lot. I haven't. Sure I had a few boyfriends when I was younger, like 15, but those don't count. And yes I had 1 other serious boyfriend but that was just a mess and a silly immature relationship.
I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone other than me. Basically the bottom line is that I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't UNhappy but I also wasn't happy. I loved Dan, and still do, but I didn't know if I was still IN love with him. This was something I had to do, for me. To be able to say that I had no regrets.
Anyway, it was very difficult and I felt like I was gonna throw up the whole time. We talked & talked and I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I was beating around the bush and finally Dan said "You want to break up?" I cried a ton, I was practically hysterical. Dan cried a bit too. I feel awful for him because the timing for this couldn't be worse. He just found out this week that his mother has breast cancer. I thought about waiting to do this, but why delay the inevitable? Especially because I feared that we'd get so unhappy that we'd start picking fights so we would have an actual concrete reason to break up, and I didn't want it to end badly.
I had to work that afternoon. My friend Michelle knew I had done it as soon as she saw me. She gave me a big hug and I tried to stay strong as I sat beside her in the Operations office. Danielle turned around from her desk and said "Hey Amanda! How are you?" and I burst into tears. She took me outside and we talked for a good 20 minutes before I could go back inside. I went back into the office to try to talk to Michelle for a bit before I started my shift. Then Tara, one of our team service specialists, came in. She is just the sweetest girl and so caring. She could see it in my face that I was upset and asked me how I was. To avoid crying I just nodded my head and smiled. She told me if I need her, or her office, for anything to just come by. So about 15 minutes later before I started my shift I stopped into her office to ask if I could touch up my makeup, which I had successfully cried off. When I sat down she gave me a big hug and I burst into tears, again. Luckily I seemed to get it out of my system and I made it through the rest of the day with no tears. I did cry as I drove home last night though. It's my routine that every night when I get to my car I call Dan. Well I got to my car last night, reached for my phone... then stopped. It hit me that I don't have that anymore. I don't have someone I can just call for any stupid reason. So I cried most of the way home, as I text messaged 2 of my best friends at work for support.
1 good thing did happen to me on Sunday though... Jeremy, one of the ramp rats (the guys who offload the bags), offered to walk me to my car so I wouldn't have to walk alone. We got back to the parking lot and his car was right near the road. He told me to get in and he'd drive me to my car, which was at the back of the lot (and it's like, the biggest parking lot ever). I couldn't remember exactally where my car was... so we drove around trying to see who could find it, lol. When we did Jeremy pulled in beside it and we ended up just talking.. for 2 hours! Slightly after we pulled in he was like "Amanda, can you give me a shoulder massage? I'm so tense" (I'm known for my massages at work. I always end up walking around the ops office from desk to desk massaging shoulders, lol) So I said sure, I'm just going to toss my bag in my car, and change into flip flops" When I got back to his car, he was sitting there, with no shirt on, leaning on his elbow.. as if he was posing for an Abercrombie ad or something. This boy is HOT too. He used to play hockey semi-pro, as well as football, and still plays soccer. He has a tone stomach (6 pack) and the most amazingly defined back. He also has a tattoo that goes from shoulder to shoulder that says his last name, which is just... wow. I was just standing there, in shock, lol. He said he took off his shirt cuz it was sweaty and possibly smelled from working outside all day and he didn't want me to have to touch it. I wasn't complaining! ;) I told Kristy this story last night and her response was "You should have molested him" lol. I think it's a bit soon for that... ;)
Oh and in other news to add to my miserable week.. I have to go with my Dad to the vet today to possibly have my cat Mookie put to sleep. She hasn't been eating anything for about 2 weeks. We've been force feeding her with a syringe for about a week now. Yesterday I was holding her so Becky could feed her, and she peed on me (Mookie not Becky). She's just so weak she can barely walk. I heard a little thud yesterday so I went running out of my room to see he laying at the bottom of the stairs. She made it all the way down, then colapsed cuz it took so much out of her. She was covered in pee and so weak. Becky helped me clean her up & put her in a little box to sleep in (she loves boxes). Becky ended up sleeping on the couch in the office so she could keep an eye on Mookie all night. I can't even talk about this it's gonna make me cry...
*edit* Well at least I don't have to go to the vet.. I just went upstairs and my Dad told me that Mookie died during the night. My little sister is making a coffin right now and we're going to bury her in my backyard.
And I work the next 3 days 4:30am-3:00pm in the operations office. Today is my one day off after working 6 in a row.
I need a vacation...