it's time for the truth, and a change
wow it's been along time since I updated this thing....but honestly I think it's time for a change.....change everything, change colleges, change lifestyles, just a change.....and why do people stab others in the back (mainly mine)....one moment, people are "C.J. is so nice and loving, and deservers so much" to something along the lines of "C.J. is really creepy and is really starting to get on my nerves, he just, needs to go away....permanently"...........WTF IS THIS!!!!! everyone treats me so nice in the front and then stabs me in the back the next.......but the funny thing is...guys don't do this...every guy I’ve ever met has had nothing but good things to say about me, and like-wiz towards them, I really don't think I’ve ever met a guy I have truly "hated" or "have had nothing good to say about them". I really think I do a really good job of treating everyone equally.....but I have a hard time keeping relationships with girls because they find me "Creepy"....wtf is that? It’s like.....when a girl likes a guy and the guy knows it....one of two things happen to me...number 1. I don't know about it, and it untimintly, the feelings she has for me fade away because the girl thinks that I’m not interested (if in other people's cases they might be really really shy and won't talk to the girl because they are shy)....but in the event I catch on.....and try and show that I like them back....they IMEDITLY start to find me creepy.....I don't understand that.....I honestly don't...ok I know I can be somewhat touchy feely at times, I know that but don't expect it to change, if you don't like being touched (and I know so people don't, I’m talking hugs and just stuff like that) THEN TELL ME AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. I mean come on, really now, just because I choose to hug you then shake your hand or give you a high-five, DOES NOT MEAN THAT I'M TRYING TO GET YOU IN THE SACK!!! Just because I talk to you a lot, DOES NOT MEAN I'M TRYING TO GET YOU IN THE SACK!!! if I’m trying to hook you up with my friends (EVEN IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND).....REALLY DOES NOT MEAN I'M TRYING TO GET YOU IN THE SACK.....what the hell do I have to do, swore off love completely so I can actually hold on to a relationship (OF ANY KIND) with a girl.....you know what someone told me the other day....."that the only reason some girls still talk to you, is because you haven't completely creeped them out yet"...this person will go un-named ::EVIL LOOK::......DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL, HUH!!! I'M SO PISSED RIGHT NOW I COULD....ADFJGALDGJADHGKADJHFGKADJFGHKAJDGHKJADHGKJADFG....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WOULD DO!!!!.....just the nerve of some people really...and just because I ask someone to a dance or whatever, or for that matter, to dinner, to starbux, to hang at my house, EVEN IF IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US!.....does not mean that I like you, in fact, it's nothing like that at all, it's because I think your cool, and I think I could have a good time being friends with you. Trust me, if I like you...I'LL TELL YOU!.....you know what really pisses me off about girls....everything is always implied with them (or at-least most of them)...why can't they just go up to a guy and just say "I Like You....more then just friends" or something like that, so it's out in the open and no questions have to be asked.......because seriously, a lot of guys (like myself), have a hard time trying to figure out if someone likes them or not, so then we have to go "test the waters", and flirt a little bit more with that person then you normally would, and see if maybe that person really does like you...then next thing you know, it turns out that she has no feelings for you beyond friendship, and then deem me creepy for maybe seeing if that person liked me......::SLAMES HEAD INTO WALL IN FRUSTRATION::...look ladies....for a lot of guys....if they like you...THEY WILL TELL YOU!!! and if they are too shy to tell you....you WILL know that they like you, guys are pretty simple and self explanatory creatures...granted yes we can have a deeper side and have a mean streak every now and then...but as far as "crushes" or "liking someone goes"...you WILL know.....and now I sit here asking myself embarrassing questions, such as..."why the fuck am I letting this get to me.....FOR FUCK SAKE THESE ARE HIGHSCHOOLERS TELLING ME THIS!!!!!" and it's not only that.....its the pathetic unquestionable fact that these things I’ve been venting about happened a few months ago.....and quite frankly really don't matter anymore.....but the questions still remain....was my high school love-life, just foreshadowing whats really ment to come.....is every girl I seem to take some sort of interest in (weather or not it's just friendship or more)...gonna find me creepy.....but then again there's other things that play into it all, like maybe I’ve set my standards to high...lets look at that shall we....ok lets look at the facts....most of the girls I like (lets say 4 out of 5 or so) are pretty and preppy cheerleader/dancer types.....whom you would most likely see dating one of the "desirable" football players, or some guy who all the girls swoon over.....but you always see in the movies that this nothing guy, gets the girl...and maybe I just spent my high school life waiting for that merical that never happened.
And god knows I’m not perfect...I mean lets face the facts
I drink (not over the top)
I smoke (no drugs)
I can be a handful sometimes
I won't let anything stand between me and my chances of making a living playing and writing music for a living
I’m not the best looking guy around
I’m brutally honest (I don't sugar coat anything...the way I see it...it's better to live a harsh truth then a sugar coated lie)
And I set my standers in girls to high (or at-least I did for high school)
Because here is what I need in a girl
1. I need a girl who drinks, but not over the top
2. A girl who's gonna slap me around for smoking
3. Who can deal with my wanting to do stuff all the time, weather its with her or with my friends
4. Someone who will support my dreams and help me reach them...because god knows I would do the same for her
5. who is beautiful (someone who I find beautiful, not necessarily have to show her off to my friends, hot...but none the less, must be found attractive by at-least me...)
6. I just want a girl who likes to stay in shape and take care of her body
7. Who can deal with the facts, and dish out the same truths
8. and yes I do set my standers high...probably because I want to find a girl who I can marry someday...not just have a little fling (like many high school relationships)...I just don't like the idea of KNOWING it's gonna end...
In high school the biggest pet-peeve I had was........I’m a brother to EVERYONE!!!!! girls come to me with their boy problems and with questions about how guys tic...and just all that stuff...they come to me looking for advice, and I think I rather give good advice...but there's one slight problem being the brother to just about every girl in the school...your love life...IS SHOT!.....yeah yeah yeah, I’ve had countless girls tell me that there’s nothing wrong with being a big brother to everyone... and yes they are right, there is nothing wrong with it. And there are a lot of perks to being seen as a brotherly figure...
1. You never have to deal with high school drama (of your own at-least)
2. Everyone respects you
3. You can kind be friends with just about anyone
But with every ying, there’s a yang...being the big brother to just about every girl has its down sides
1. Never really getting the chance to go out with a girl you like
2. You sometimes get overwhelmed with other peoples problems
3. Everyone wishes they had what you had
....but why is #3 bad you might ask.......having what I have tends to suck from time to time....it's like talking to astronauts about going to outer space....you hear everything there is to know about it...but you don't get to live it yourself....I always heard about these awesome relationships and how incredible they can be...but I never get to experience them myself (i did once and it was the greatest thing every).....I know it sounds bad and that I shouldn't think that way....but really when you spend 12 years of your social life liking girls and finding out that they don't like you back and having countless relationships and having only 3 of them last longer then two weeks.....trust me it starts to wear and tare.....and for all those people who say "well it's not that bad being everyone's big brother"...I’m not trying to sound like a jerk but...you try listening to that person you are head over heals for complain about how they want SOMEONE ELSE to like them so badly.....that hurts so much...and having to do it, time after time after time after time, really starts to get to you....but you now might ask....why did you do it, even if you knew that at that given point in time, your chances with that person were totally erased....I did it because it was the right thing to do...and I will admit it....I don't regreate any of it.....it's just really really hard, and it's now pretty easy to look back now and see "what could have been".....but at the same time I know why I did it, and that reassures me and makes me feel better....even if it means spending my life alone, if I’m helping people
you know that thought scares some people, as a matter of fact...a lot of people I know has it marked down as his or her greatest fear...."being/dying alone"...well what do they mean by that...like being single and never having kids and stuff....or not having any friends and family to stand there at your death bed as you take your last breaths of life....I truly believe that I am one of few people on the plant who can say "yes, I never married and never had kids, but I helped many many people live happier lives"...then I will die a happy man...and if that means me being the biggest brother ever...then so be it......
If God Created Love
Did he make it for everyone
-Cold
I’m sorry for all of this…. MOST of this wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular, and anyone at Hilhi who thinks it’s ment to slam you….it’s not, just kinda frustrating at times….all this is, is just some good old venting…I love you live journal...well I’m off….goodnight
-C.J.
And god knows I’m not perfect...I mean lets face the facts
I drink (not over the top)
I smoke (no drugs)
I can be a handful sometimes
I won't let anything stand between me and my chances of making a living playing and writing music for a living
I’m not the best looking guy around
I’m brutally honest (I don't sugar coat anything...the way I see it...it's better to live a harsh truth then a sugar coated lie)
And I set my standers in girls to high (or at-least I did for high school)
Because here is what I need in a girl
1. I need a girl who drinks, but not over the top
2. A girl who's gonna slap me around for smoking
3. Who can deal with my wanting to do stuff all the time, weather its with her or with my friends
4. Someone who will support my dreams and help me reach them...because god knows I would do the same for her
5. who is beautiful (someone who I find beautiful, not necessarily have to show her off to my friends, hot...but none the less, must be found attractive by at-least me...)
6. I just want a girl who likes to stay in shape and take care of her body
7. Who can deal with the facts, and dish out the same truths
8. and yes I do set my standers high...probably because I want to find a girl who I can marry someday...not just have a little fling (like many high school relationships)...I just don't like the idea of KNOWING it's gonna end...
In high school the biggest pet-peeve I had was........I’m a brother to EVERYONE!!!!! girls come to me with their boy problems and with questions about how guys tic...and just all that stuff...they come to me looking for advice, and I think I rather give good advice...but there's one slight problem being the brother to just about every girl in the school...your love life...IS SHOT!.....yeah yeah yeah, I’ve had countless girls tell me that there’s nothing wrong with being a big brother to everyone... and yes they are right, there is nothing wrong with it. And there are a lot of perks to being seen as a brotherly figure...
1. You never have to deal with high school drama (of your own at-least)
2. Everyone respects you
3. You can kind be friends with just about anyone
But with every ying, there’s a yang...being the big brother to just about every girl has its down sides
1. Never really getting the chance to go out with a girl you like
2. You sometimes get overwhelmed with other peoples problems
3. Everyone wishes they had what you had
....but why is #3 bad you might ask.......having what I have tends to suck from time to time....it's like talking to astronauts about going to outer space....you hear everything there is to know about it...but you don't get to live it yourself....I always heard about these awesome relationships and how incredible they can be...but I never get to experience them myself (i did once and it was the greatest thing every).....I know it sounds bad and that I shouldn't think that way....but really when you spend 12 years of your social life liking girls and finding out that they don't like you back and having countless relationships and having only 3 of them last longer then two weeks.....trust me it starts to wear and tare.....and for all those people who say "well it's not that bad being everyone's big brother"...I’m not trying to sound like a jerk but...you try listening to that person you are head over heals for complain about how they want SOMEONE ELSE to like them so badly.....that hurts so much...and having to do it, time after time after time after time, really starts to get to you....but you now might ask....why did you do it, even if you knew that at that given point in time, your chances with that person were totally erased....I did it because it was the right thing to do...and I will admit it....I don't regreate any of it.....it's just really really hard, and it's now pretty easy to look back now and see "what could have been".....but at the same time I know why I did it, and that reassures me and makes me feel better....even if it means spending my life alone, if I’m helping people
you know that thought scares some people, as a matter of fact...a lot of people I know has it marked down as his or her greatest fear...."being/dying alone"...well what do they mean by that...like being single and never having kids and stuff....or not having any friends and family to stand there at your death bed as you take your last breaths of life....I truly believe that I am one of few people on the plant who can say "yes, I never married and never had kids, but I helped many many people live happier lives"...then I will die a happy man...and if that means me being the biggest brother ever...then so be it......
If God Created Love
Did he make it for everyone
-Cold
I’m sorry for all of this…. MOST of this wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular, and anyone at Hilhi who thinks it’s ment to slam you….it’s not, just kinda frustrating at times….all this is, is just some good old venting…I love you live journal...well I’m off….goodnight
-C.J.