Stop light
It’s one of the days where the weather is being crazy. And I’m stuck here staring at the window in one the fast food chain near our school. I’ve been observing those people passing by as they try to make their day as normal as they could possibly do even though the weather is a bit off. Then I shift my gaze to the cars passing by that begun to halt. I looked at the stop light. Stared at it and realized something.
It’s been a week since I saw the red signal. It’s been a week already but it feels like it just happened yesterday though I wish I was just dreaming during those moments. It’s a night when life pulled the biggest joke it can bring. A night where I could have made the greatest memory I could make. We never had the chance to be on a place like this. A place where all of you have space, where you can just stop and stare to nature, where you can look at your life from a third person perspective. And maybe make sense of what’s happening to you. It’s a retreat. So you are licensed to cry yourself out, be as emotional as you want to, nobody will really stop you but they we’ll make you feel you’re not alone. That night is different. It is special. It is something fun. We’re like children playing on a rooftop. Laughing, enjoying the entire moment. It’s a cold night yet we’re sweaty because of the game we’re playing. The moon is out tonight but the stars are hiding. Maybe it’s because of the rainy weather. I don’t know why I have this heavy feeling, I don’t even know why I’m feeling this but the hell I don’t want this to stop me from enjoying this moment. I ignored it.
I don’t want to end this night, it’s the first time that we ever bonded like this. It’s the first time and maybe it would be the last. Then here comes the bit touching part of the activity, where you can make your block mates feel that you actually care for them without being mushy. We are not like the other block; we are the most diverse block ever compared to the other sections in our program. We are often seen as we don’t have care for each other. Just random people being put on a place where they study, make noise and nothing more. But this night, no, the moment we stepped on this placed, it’s like we had the silent agreement of being one. So during the activity where you got to tap the person you think the statements are true to them, I felt so special knowing that people appreciates me. I felt so valued. And I think the feeling was mutual. We all felt the care and lov we've een hiding for each other. We all have this grin on our faces when we opened our eyes. Because even though we don’t really know who tap us, we know that we are all special for each other.
Then came the part where we let our guards down. Open forum. But we have different kind of it. The heavy feeling I’ve been feeling’s shouting out in my ear. It says something, something that I kept on ignoring. No. I’m ready to whatever things I’m going to hear because tonight is different. And yes, I was right with the night as being different but I was wrong with being ready. I was never been ready to hear this.
The night is cold yet I felt something warm inside me then the hollowness comes. Something leaves me. I don’t know what it is. But there’s a part of me that run away. Then finally it’s his turn. He spoke and opens up. Something he doesn’t usually do. He answers questions thrown to him. Then finally the question I hope he wouldn’t answer. Not now, not in here, not in front of them. Then he confessed. He ended up his long time relationship. Questions and growing curiosity was built in the open space we’re in. I know this part of his story but they didn’t. I look onto their faces, observing. Shocked. Confused. Curious. Excited. They want more. But I don’t. They asked the most essential question. The “why?”. He answered, space and something more. Then I hoped he didn’t say this but he did. He admitted that he liked someone else. Excitement and curiosity and the others are eliminated, that’s what’s written on their faces. Reactions are getting louder but I’m trying to be deaf. I don’t want him to speak anymore. I have this feeling that something isn’t going to be right. He might say something, might be something that I don’t want to hear. Then he admitted that it was someone we all knew. Stop. All I want for him to do is stop. But he didn’t. Curiosity. Excitement. All of them are dying to know who it is. They started guessing names. Shouting a name. They shouted my name. Hollow. Part of me was wishing they’re right then there’s a bigger part of me saying no, it’s not you. I don’t look at him, or at least I tried not to. He didn’t speak. No, not yet. Not until I shouted a name. The name of my closest friend, my best friend. Then he, second the motion, by saying the surname. They all felt shocked. I felt crushed. I must pretend that I don’t care. That was the only thing I said to myself. I fake a smile. I fake an excitement. But my insides are slowly falling apart. It hurts. It hurts that I can’t even find words to describe it. But the nearest analogy I could ever make sense of is, I was being stab by a knife not just once but many times, seeing them, hearing them. I tried to maintain the composure I have. Holding on to what’s left inside me. I diverted the pain physically. Hurting myself physically and squeezing the thigh of the person next to me in a way they wouldn’t notice. Thank goodness, she has an idea of what’s happening. Yes, just an idea because nobody really knows the real story except me, him and my best friend. But he didn’t know that I told her. The girl beside me actually thought it was me though, before he spills the name. Oh how I was wishing to God to end this night already. It feels like it’s been so long and I felt so tired. And I’m afraid if I can’t take this any longer my eyes will betray me sooner. I want to run. Just to get away from the heavy night. But I can’t. I must pretend. I laugh along. I pulled my best effort to show them I’m not affected because they didn’t know that this moment is killing me. Somehow felt so betrayed because he said that he already asked this girl to go out even before the retreat. All this time, why didn’t she told me and I was telling her everything and I felt like shit. We’re in an open space yet I felt so confined.
They took over the limelight and I was left behind the backstage, weeping. It was a good thing that there’s a curfew for this place and we have to stop. Go back to the dorm and sleep, though I know for a fact, that I won’t be able to sleep tonight. How it kills me to hear all the ladies asking her about the confession. How it stabs me a million times when I hear them talking about this because my bed is just under hers. I just want to get away from this. I made all the excuses I could ever make and they didn’t notice it. When I took the shower that night, the cold water was just as cold as the feeling I felt inside. The cold night was just as cold as what he showed to me tonight. I was right about the night being different and special. It was different for it feels surreal however hurting. And indeed, this night will always be memorable for me.
It felt so unfair and I felt so alone. If this is God’s place, why oh, please just take me out of here and I want to rest. If it’s a place where we should rest then why I did I felt so restless all along. I never felt so tired not until tonight. Not physically tired but emotionally. It’s like I’m in a boxing match that I’m already knocked out but the contender continues to punch me and what’s worse is that, the referee is not calling for a time out. I’m lying down already, wasted but it continuously kicks me. I cried that night. I wept. They saw me weeping but thought it was of a different reason. If there’s one thing I’m thankful for God tonight is that, it’s a retreat and they won’t ask you questions of “why” you are acting like that. And as far as I know, God didn’t left me because there are two other friends that I’m holding onto. Good thing they had an idea of what’s happening because I told them earlier that day. Life is being so unfair yet God somehow makes it fair. And I was right, didn’t sleep that night for every time I closed my eyes, I can still watch it playing on a replay. And it hurts. The feeling is just the same as the feeling I felt during the moment.
It’s crazy how life showed me the red signal. How I saw the red signal in a hard way. I didn’t realize that the “heavy feeling” was a sign to slow down. No, it’s not just this night that I felt those heavy feelings, since last week, or maybe since before the semester starts. It feels like something isn’t right. Especially before we went here, this feeling became so intense but I just tried to ignore it. That yellow signal has been light up for a very long time but I ignored it so when it’s time for the red light, I have to hit the brake right away and I crushed and bumped my head. It all turns out as an accident that leaves bruises and wound. Bruises and wound that will leave permanent scars. Scars they wouldn't notice and wounds that I will hide. And now, the signal is green already, I have to move or else I’ll be left behind. But who says I need to rush? I can be on a slow driving motion. Heal the wounds and bruises as I continue. For the stoplight will never wait for me, it will give signals and was set as a cycle. I will move. I have to move. But this time, I’ll be on a slow motion. wouldn't e totally left out because when the time will come, I can regain the speed and catch up at least or take the different road maybe.
Green. Yellow. Red. The cars started to move, with sudden flashes of memories, it felt so real. But then like the stoplight signals you to slow down and stop, it will continuously give people signals. And just like the car on the streets, you have to continue. Life goes on