Didn't even see the dust.
So, I'm not quite sure how it happened; but it happened. I finally blew. Probably lost two friends in the process, but I just couldn't deal with any of it anymore.
I don't understand how you can call someone your friend if you break pre made plans constantly, don't make much attempt to see them, don't give them the benefit of the doubt...don't do everything in your power to be the best friend you can be, despite everything else.
I don't feel like I'm a bad friend; I may not always be the greatest, but I try. I usually try to do everything I can to be a good friend, in person, online, via text, whatever. Or even just to be there. But that doesn't seem to matter. Plans still get broken and I'm always the one the left alone.
Take this weekend for instance, it was supposed to be a friends' birthday party, two friends and I were supposed to go as a last hurah kind of thing before one friend left the country. Well, friend one dropped out stating she needed a weekend off, but is now going away for four days...the other friend(the one that's leaving) said she booked the time off work, yet has the key to open the store the morning after the party and is scheduled to work...I just don't understand. Now, I'm left stranded, in a sense. I can deal. I'll have too. They're my friends.
Now, we're having a going away party for said friend leaving the country. One of our other friends is not sure she can come- due to family things. Well, I'm sick of her and her family things. It's like it's her and her family or nothing at all. I get it. Family's important, but it's not your whole life. And for the past five years or so, all of us have had to deal with that and in all honesty, I can't do it anymore. I can't keep being put way behind family and everything else in her life. I've tried, despite what she may think, but I have my own things going on.
I have alot of family things going on and alot of my own things going on that need to be sorted, I also work full time, yet I make time, as much as I can, to see friends. I even sacrifice a few things to do so. But it just doesn't seem to be enough.
I understand plenty, I'm pretty understanding, most of the time, but when it's the umpteenth time that I've had to 'understand' that your family is stressing and 'needs' you, I just can't... my family needs me too, I need my family; but I'm doing everything I can, including taking time off work, to see a friend off before she leaves for 6 months. I just thought it was a natural thing for friends to do. Maybe I'm wrong. It's possible, I'm not right about alot of things, this could be one of them. Maybe I'm looking at friendship all wrong, maybe I have been for years. I just hate having to be put last, or even having to work around everyone else. I also hate that I'm chastised for not making plans enough in advance but when I do, people bail anyway. I also can not stand that being the age that we are, some of you are still being told how to live your life. It just doesn't compute anymore.
I've only told this to two people, but feel maybe I should let it out in the open; or however open livejournal can be.
My granny, who I haven't spoken too or seen in two years (due to family issues and clashing on her part with my mum) is dying. It's probably a matter of weeks and my mum is really not doing well with it. Because of this situation her and her sister (who haven't spoken on 'good terms' for over 10 years...) are speaking and doing relatively well. All three of them are actually keeping their relationship quite friendly, the illness aside. It's really hard to find my mum crying when I come home from work or going to see my granny in the hospital after not hearing a thing from her, my own grandmother, in over two years, over some petty feuding with my mum and her sister. I just don't want to end up like that.
Apart from that, my dad's been diagnosed with diabetes. It's not life threatening or anything, but it's still there. No matter how much he plays it down. He also had a cancer scare. They haven't found anything yet, our fingers are still crossed.
Then, there's me. I've got a fucked up optic nerve. They're not sure what's causing this, but I go for a CT at the end of August. It's quite possible it's a tumor.
So, I've got a few things on my chest aswell, but I still make the effort to keep plans and see friends, because as far as I was concerned, that's what you do when you're friends with someone. Despite all the crap going on in our lives nowadays, I always thought that one thing would never change, but I now see that it has. There's not much else I can do to fix it. So I'm just going to let things be and see how it turns out. Because, in all honesty, I'm tired of trying to defend myself or defend my way of thinking. I'm just tired of all of it.
So, to those that I've hurt or to those that feel I haven't tried hard enough; I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do, so I'll just leave you to your own devices.