a place we can't return from
a place we can't return from, jinhyung/yunhyung, g, au, character death; jinhyung should be with them, training, performing, living. instead yunhyung meets him where no one else can.
right now we are like
clock hands at 12:30 -
backs turned to each other, looking at
different places and trying
to let go of everything -
walking towards
a place we won’t be able to return from
even though I’m letting go right now
(I’m letting go of you)
even though everything has stopped -
i believe the broken clock will move again.
They meet as usual in the Forest, where the tall, long grass meet the waterside. It is quiet. It isn’t pretty - the landscape is brown and the trees are bare, and what little green there is seem to have toned themselves down meekly. Spring is late. The floor is hard; Yunhyung yanks free a fistful of grass and tries to pile them neatly at the base of a bony tree. He watches as his breath mist up with each exhalation.
There’s a light sound of crunching leaf litter behind him.
“Thank you.”
Quickly, Yunhyung spins around. It is always when Yunhyung least expects it that he arrives - when Yunhyung’s busy dipping his toes into the lake, trying to break up his reflection as much as possible, when he’s trying to practise skipping rocks, or when it’s getting late and Yunhyung starts to doubt that he would ever turn up. Every time Yunhyung is taken by surprise, his breath catching in his throat and his chest swelling, just a little, just by the sight that greets him, every time, like happiness and relief and longing all rolled into one.
Yunhyung smile is wide. “Hey.”
He gestures towards the pile of leaves.“I made you a… a thing. To sit on.” He has noticed how uncomfortable it gets sitting on the bare ground for extended periods at a time, as they always do.
And then it’s Jinhyung’s turn to smile, his lips parting in a wide grin. But it’s his eyes that Yunhyung’s gaze is drawn to - half-moons and dark and sparkly, exactly like the first time he’d seen them.
-
Jinhyung doesn’t look at him much very more, but Yunhyung understands. They usually just sit side by side, sometimes looking out at the water, sometimes leaning against the row of rocks with their legs stretched out and shoes knocking, sometimes even lying down staring into the air, sides pressed so tightly against each other Yunhyung thinks he knows what Jinhyung’s heartbeat sounds like in his own veins.
Yunhyung still looks a lot at Jinhyung though. He sneaks sideway glances at him while they lie shaded by grass, or spare quick, furtive looks when Jinhyung’s drifts off during their conversations a bit, or sometimes, if the weather is especially good that day and Yunhyung feels up to it, just looks Jinhyung square in the face and stares. Hard.
Jinhyung has the habit of swaying his head side to side, as though privy to a melody Yunhyung isn’t able to catch. It’s enthralling.
“Silly,” Jinhyung says suddenly one time. “You know I know you’re staring right?” Yunhyung fumbles a bit.
“-It-I...”
“Silly hyung.”
Jinhyung’s hand comes up, exploring the air a bit before landing on Yunhyung’s hair, affectionally carding through his bangs. Yunhyung’s spine tingles from the contact, a very strange, pleasant sensation that makes him want to drift to sleep. He looks up to see Jinhyung smilimg. His teeth are peeking through slightly, and his eyes, too, from under his fringe, and Yunhyung wants nothing more than to reach out and grab him, keep him hidden and protected like this from the world forever.
--
Quite a while has passed since then, but nothing’s changed much. It’s still cold, but less cold than when they’d first started meeting here, a world away from the world in the Forest. Yunhyung reminds himself to bring extra scarves for Jinhyung. He imagines Jinhyung gratefully putting one on, laughing in the tender yet alive way he does, dimples studding his cheeks.
Today Jinhyung wears a turtleneck. A black turtleneck under a black jacket. Yunhyung feels like lecturing him on the merits of incorporating colour into one’s wardrobe but keeps it to himself, instead reaching over and wrapping a pea-coloured wool muffler around his neck. It looks really good, he thinks, really good and really appropriate for spring.
Spring is coming. Yunhyung wonders if Jinhyung can feel it, can feel the air shifting and the cold getting tired, and the earth getting softer. But maybe it’s better not to bring up seasons, so Yunhyung only asks if Jinhyung’s cold.
Jinhyung smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes, and Yunhyung misses the sight of the soft dimples he’s come to take for granted. “Can I sit closer to you?” the younger boy asks. He’s looking into the distance, as usual. Yunhyung wants to capture his attention and bring it back where it should be, but instead of answering, he shifts nearer to the younger boy and wraps his arms around him. Jinhyung smells like flowers and shampoo, and Yunhyung closes his eyes - maybe for awhile him and Jinhyung and the flowery scent can be the only things in existence.
Jinhyung fidgets to get closer. Yunhyung wants to tear away every last inch of space separating them - leaves, clothes, air, skin, wrap his arms tight around the other boy just to convince himself of he still exists. That no matter how far he goes they will always come back to meet here, after some time has passed, over looking the same silent lake. “I wish you could come back,” he murmurs into the crown of Jinhyung’s head. He doesn’t quite know why but he’s whispering, but he is, so hard that he strains to hear his own voice. Jinhyung’s breathing slows down.
“I… would…”
Some days Jinhyung’s voice is so quiet, too quiet that Yunhyung lays him down on the ground and tells him to go to sleep instead. Today isn’t one of those days.
“Sing for me, Jinhyung?”
Jinhyung tilts his head, his way of acknowledging and declining at the same time. Yunhyung doesn’t ask it of him often because Jinhyung tires easily from it, and besides, it’s only ever one song that he always wants. But Yunhyung asks today, as he watches a turf of green grass shake in the wind, poking out from a crack in the ground. Spring’s here, almost. And Yunhyung knows Jinhyung would feel it once he starts singing.
“You’re just asking me to sing because you’re sick of doing it so much in training,” Jinhyung says. Yunhyung can see he’s only half-joking, because Jinhyung knows it’s true, that some days he’s so sick of singing and dancing and performing and entertaining, and the days blend into nights blend into days till he feels stuffed on emptiness. It’s the price to pay for what they have, but Yunhyung just wishes he has Jinhyung by his side to go through it together. Jinhyung hasn’t been with them in a long time.
“I just miss hearing you,” Yunhyung mumbles, embarrassed. Practices feel empty. Yunhyung only ever felt most confident performing in tandem with Jinhyung, catching his eyes in between lines, skimming his hand across his when they pass each other on stage.
Jinhyung catches on right away. He’s always had this knack of trying to make everyone comfortable, of accommodating people even if it means going out of his way. He’s a lovely boy, Yunhyung finds himself thinking again, heart bursting with sudden pride. I think maybe I- he almost blurt out, but Jinhyung chooses the time to start singing.
Baby don’t worry
Let’s be together forever
I promise to stay by your side...
Yunhyung blinks despite himself. He knows this song, of course, the only one he badgers Jinhyung to sing whenever they come here. But he blinks back tears now, anyway. Jinhyung looks so optimistic, so sure, so certain they - he - is going to make it out of everything alright, looks at Yunhyung with so much trust and Yunhyung… Yunhyung wants to cry because he knows it’s not going to end that way.
Baby don’t worry
Let’s be together forever
I’ll be there with you...
Yunhyung swallows. His eyes sting and his vison's blurred, but Jinhyung’s voice is as clear in his head as it is in the still air as he joins in the song. His voice is still scratchy from training in overdrive the past few months and is lacking compared to Jinhyung’s. He tries to sing softly, in the background.
Long time no see
I missed you a lot, too
I got lost on the way to you
I’m not leaving you anymore
He looks at Jinhyung, who’s looking away from him with eyes glassed over and smile ghosting on his lips. There’s a hint of his dimples on his cheeks, just a faint shadow. Yunhyung closes his eyes. Jinhyung sings so well and Yunhyung doesn’t think he’s missed him so much as he does now, as he sits by the waterside in the Forest, as the weather turns colder from autumn to winter. As he sits alone on the mount of leaves he created, eyes closed and thinking of the one he hasn’t stopped missing since that almost-spring day, his eyes, his laugh, his hands, always shy, his voice-
It’s really... been a long time.