Untiltled.
I’m sorry.
I hated you. I really did.
Because you were always perfect… and I wasn’t. I was never perfect enough to match you, and it haunted me.
I hated you, too, because you made me feel stupid. You, who were always smart, clever, and put together, made me feel so damn stupid, all the time. I was always inferior to you, wasn’t I?
But most of all, I felt stupid next to you, because you made me fall for you.
I fell for you, hard.
***
The closeness was the worse. Whenever we were close - damn the closeness - I’d feel so out of place, so jittery. It was silly, really. But as much I didn’t want to admit it, I’d feel so safe next to you.
Safe behind your arms, it was the best feeling in the world.
***
I knew I had nothing to fear with you around. I could actually make mistakes - be myself - and it’ll be okay. It’ll always be okay because -
Because you were always there to fix the things I broke.
***
But you were weak, too, you know?
It had been so weird - and yet so natural - when you lost your voice, and I was the one who picked up the broken pieces.
It had always been you who did that.
It has felt so natural for me, to go up to you and rub your back, saying soothing words I myself tried to understand. But it didn’t matter, because -
It’s okay, it’s okay.
We believe in you.
It’s okay - don’t bother about what they say -
Because there had been so many nasty comments. I always gritted my teeth when I heard them.
You had turned to me, those protective hands of yours quivering with uncertainty, and my mind had gone numb at the fear in your eyes.
I don’t know.
… I’m doing my best.
- Help me.
I had no trouble reading your thoughts, and I just had to do something - anything - to make it better, nevermind that it was always you who made me feel better.
***
That night, I did not plan on sleeping over.
But it was getting late, and the room was getting invitingly warmer as time as I sat there.
Stay for the night, someone had suggested.
But I don’t have a sleeping bag.
… Oh. Right. I got up to leave. But -
Share mine, Your voice had been soft, and I turned to you in surprise. Are you su -
Yes. You blushed, and I was slightly puzzled. It’s big.
You had lied, though - it wasn’t that big, but spread out, it was good enough for both of us. Lying on your sleeping bag, I had turned to you, wanting to tell you how much I appreciated it, and…
But you weren’t there, having left to brush your teeth. Maybe, in the morning…
I woke up, halfway through the night, to sound of teeth chattering.
You’re cold? Feeling guilty, I had asked. It was my fault, after all, because I was using the part of the sleeping bag meant to be a blanket. You only nodded in response, and I felt a pang in my chest.
I’m sorry.
Let me warm you. You widened your eyes in surprise, but I ignored it. Pulling you close to me, I slipped my arms around your waist as I buried my head in your neck.
Better? You nodded, again, and the chattering.
***
I don’t know why, but it came to a point where I didn’t know how I felt about you, and I hated you for that, too.
Things changed, soon after. Suddenly, I didn’t know the place I had in your life, in your heart. What was I to you, exactly?
We stopped talking altogether, and you became happy with other people. I never knew how I felt as looked at you laughing, with other people.
Sometimes, I would come across the texts you sent me, and would wonder if you ever sent it to someone else.
I’ll miss you when I leave.
Would you, really?
Of course. You’re my one and only, why wouldn’t I miss you?
Sure?
): You’ll be missed by me, dear partner.
***
I’m sorry.
Because thinking back, I realized we actually had good memories.
And I probably ruined it all with my feelings, with my hatred.
I’m sorry.
I want to go back, and make things right with you. I can even imagine how it’d have happened.
Jonghyun…?
Yes, Taemin?
… I don’t hate you, you know.
Even though you think I do.
______________________
Sorry if this was crap
I hated you. I really did.
Because you were always perfect… and I wasn’t. I was never perfect enough to match you, and it haunted me.
I hated you, too, because you made me feel stupid. You, who were always smart, clever, and put together, made me feel so damn stupid, all the time. I was always inferior to you, wasn’t I?
But most of all, I felt stupid next to you, because you made me fall for you.
I fell for you, hard.
***
The closeness was the worse. Whenever we were close - damn the closeness - I’d feel so out of place, so jittery. It was silly, really. But as much I didn’t want to admit it, I’d feel so safe next to you.
Safe behind your arms, it was the best feeling in the world.
***
I knew I had nothing to fear with you around. I could actually make mistakes - be myself - and it’ll be okay. It’ll always be okay because -
Because you were always there to fix the things I broke.
***
But you were weak, too, you know?
It had been so weird - and yet so natural - when you lost your voice, and I was the one who picked up the broken pieces.
It had always been you who did that.
It has felt so natural for me, to go up to you and rub your back, saying soothing words I myself tried to understand. But it didn’t matter, because -
It’s okay, it’s okay.
We believe in you.
It’s okay - don’t bother about what they say -
Because there had been so many nasty comments. I always gritted my teeth when I heard them.
You had turned to me, those protective hands of yours quivering with uncertainty, and my mind had gone numb at the fear in your eyes.
I don’t know.
… I’m doing my best.
- Help me.
I had no trouble reading your thoughts, and I just had to do something - anything - to make it better, nevermind that it was always you who made me feel better.
***
That night, I did not plan on sleeping over.
But it was getting late, and the room was getting invitingly warmer as time as I sat there.
Stay for the night, someone had suggested.
But I don’t have a sleeping bag.
… Oh. Right. I got up to leave. But -
Share mine, Your voice had been soft, and I turned to you in surprise. Are you su -
Yes. You blushed, and I was slightly puzzled. It’s big.
You had lied, though - it wasn’t that big, but spread out, it was good enough for both of us. Lying on your sleeping bag, I had turned to you, wanting to tell you how much I appreciated it, and…
But you weren’t there, having left to brush your teeth. Maybe, in the morning…
I woke up, halfway through the night, to sound of teeth chattering.
You’re cold? Feeling guilty, I had asked. It was my fault, after all, because I was using the part of the sleeping bag meant to be a blanket. You only nodded in response, and I felt a pang in my chest.
I’m sorry.
Let me warm you. You widened your eyes in surprise, but I ignored it. Pulling you close to me, I slipped my arms around your waist as I buried my head in your neck.
Better? You nodded, again, and the chattering.
***
I don’t know why, but it came to a point where I didn’t know how I felt about you, and I hated you for that, too.
Things changed, soon after. Suddenly, I didn’t know the place I had in your life, in your heart. What was I to you, exactly?
We stopped talking altogether, and you became happy with other people. I never knew how I felt as looked at you laughing, with other people.
Sometimes, I would come across the texts you sent me, and would wonder if you ever sent it to someone else.
I’ll miss you when I leave.
Would you, really?
Of course. You’re my one and only, why wouldn’t I miss you?
Sure?
): You’ll be missed by me, dear partner.
***
I’m sorry.
Because thinking back, I realized we actually had good memories.
And I probably ruined it all with my feelings, with my hatred.
I’m sorry.
I want to go back, and make things right with you. I can even imagine how it’d have happened.
Jonghyun…?
Yes, Taemin?
… I don’t hate you, you know.
Even though you think I do.
______________________
Sorry if this was crap