Current Thoughts & Feelings for People
Soundtrack:
So here's what I've been thinking, as if I didn't think at all. Might as well not be thinking at all, considering that, to quote PMToday, "[I'm] a machine: work, eat, sleep, repeat." But in the midst of the day-in, day-out repetition of supply and demand, I do manage to squeeze in little thoughts that will later grow into deeper thoughts that I once had.
Discovered The Color Morale with a little help of Alex Jaich. Definitely an awesome band.
I had a cold for several days a couple weeks ago, when about 4 or 5 people at work were sick simultaneously, including the store director (Mario) and two of my immediate supervisors (Rikki and Alex). During this sickness, I had an intermittent smell of what I call "the smell of strep throat." I happened to have something that I determined to be Strep Throat, and I experienced this strange smell for the first time during this episode.
Ever since then, however I seem to have reacquired this strange phantom olfactory sense of copper that began during the end of my high school years and was at its peak during my first year of college. It's been intermittent since then, but has seriously returned to annoy me further.
Google searches turn up nothing but possible brain tumors, inactive inhibitor neurons, and Alzheimer's. I'm too lazy to get this checked out, since the doctor I can see is all the way up in Torrance.
Califur is coming up in a couple weeks. Still not sure if I'm going to fully attend, though I'm really curious to see what the hell the Cabaret contains.
I think I have feelings for someone, but I sure as hell have no right to. She already has a boyfriend and it probably wouldn't work out anyway considering my lack of self-esteem. I'm not telling anybody who this 4-6-month-long crush is. I don't need drama during a time where I need to search my scant soul for an identity. Defining myself is easy yet impossible. Not having any self-esteem remains an efficient way to keep myself single. And being single doesn't bother me as much as it did because I know that I have to resolve my own issues that I cannot yet describe in any sort of detail. I know that I have problems. I just don't exactly know what all of these problems entail. And yet, every night I think of her. I used to condition my hair more often, but I've grown lazy and only condition my hair once a week. I don't want her to know that I like her. Damn, she's beautiful to me, even though she's not physically perfect according to modern societal norms. Nobody is: Not to me, not to anybody else. So it remains difficult to "Just Be Friends," but it's necessary if we're going to continue to harmoniously function every time I see her.
In a predominantly superficial society, how can I possibly gain any sort of self-esteem when I cannot see any good physical features in myself? I can derive some self-esteem from the person I am: the "content of my character" and morals. Yet this source of self-esteem is nullified by the type of society in which we live, where people only see with their eyes and not with their minds. This is probably why I don't like to be a human.
All of this is up for debate, but I'll not discuss it with anybody. Not now, anyway.
5:29am
Click to viewSo here's what I've been thinking, as if I didn't think at all. Might as well not be thinking at all, considering that, to quote PMToday, "[I'm] a machine: work, eat, sleep, repeat." But in the midst of the day-in, day-out repetition of supply and demand, I do manage to squeeze in little thoughts that will later grow into deeper thoughts that I once had.
Discovered The Color Morale with a little help of Alex Jaich. Definitely an awesome band.
I had a cold for several days a couple weeks ago, when about 4 or 5 people at work were sick simultaneously, including the store director (Mario) and two of my immediate supervisors (Rikki and Alex). During this sickness, I had an intermittent smell of what I call "the smell of strep throat." I happened to have something that I determined to be Strep Throat, and I experienced this strange smell for the first time during this episode.
Ever since then, however I seem to have reacquired this strange phantom olfactory sense of copper that began during the end of my high school years and was at its peak during my first year of college. It's been intermittent since then, but has seriously returned to annoy me further.
Google searches turn up nothing but possible brain tumors, inactive inhibitor neurons, and Alzheimer's. I'm too lazy to get this checked out, since the doctor I can see is all the way up in Torrance.
Califur is coming up in a couple weeks. Still not sure if I'm going to fully attend, though I'm really curious to see what the hell the Cabaret contains.
I think I have feelings for someone, but I sure as hell have no right to. She already has a boyfriend and it probably wouldn't work out anyway considering my lack of self-esteem. I'm not telling anybody who this 4-6-month-long crush is. I don't need drama during a time where I need to search my scant soul for an identity. Defining myself is easy yet impossible. Not having any self-esteem remains an efficient way to keep myself single. And being single doesn't bother me as much as it did because I know that I have to resolve my own issues that I cannot yet describe in any sort of detail. I know that I have problems. I just don't exactly know what all of these problems entail. And yet, every night I think of her. I used to condition my hair more often, but I've grown lazy and only condition my hair once a week. I don't want her to know that I like her. Damn, she's beautiful to me, even though she's not physically perfect according to modern societal norms. Nobody is: Not to me, not to anybody else. So it remains difficult to "Just Be Friends," but it's necessary if we're going to continue to harmoniously function every time I see her.
In a predominantly superficial society, how can I possibly gain any sort of self-esteem when I cannot see any good physical features in myself? I can derive some self-esteem from the person I am: the "content of my character" and morals. Yet this source of self-esteem is nullified by the type of society in which we live, where people only see with their eyes and not with their minds. This is probably why I don't like to be a human.
All of this is up for debate, but I'll not discuss it with anybody. Not now, anyway.
5:29am