Recent Rambling Thoughts
I feel like writing something in here. I'll sorta ramble and see where it takes me.
It's strange how I feel like it's easy to socialize with people I know one moment, but have it feel nearly impossible the next moment. The most common incidents in which this occurs is obviously at work, where I interact with regulars. Sometimes I just feel so compelled to greet someone I've seen many times over the past four years, but other times it feels like it would be better if I said nothing. And other times it feels like too much of an effort to even look at them even though I know that they're there. It's strange how life and my motivation for doing anything is utterly inconsistent. I suppose that's why I can talk to the same friend many times over the course of a week, and then go for a week without interacting with that friend. Much of the time, it feels like I've lost that bond of friendship and they've just fallen to the level of "acquaintance." After a long spell of no interaction, it feels to me that the acquaintance just dwindles to something like, "oh, I talked to that person for a little while...that's about it." More like a mere encounter with someone on the street, with no mental or emotional intimacy and only that which can be communicated with simple exchanges of words in such a short time.
That said, I feel like I'm actually better friends with my coworkers than most of the people I've known over the course of my lifetime. It's probably because I'm "forced" to interact with them because it's part of my job to be with them. It's by no means a bad thing, and I really like the people with whom I work. If I didn't have such great coworkers, who knows what I might be doing now? I might be living at home still listening to pop-punk and indie rock, without any hardcore or metalcore, and just sitting around doing nothing. I might have a better job somewhere, getting more pay than what I'm getting now. Who knows...? I'd rather not think about it anymore.
It's great working where I am now, actually. I feel like I'm a part of a family; it's as if I actually have a role to fulfill, such that if I'm not there, some things fall apart. I know that some things, like the checkstand conveyor belts, wouldn't be fixed in a timely manner if I wasn't there. They would have one less combo clerk to use. And I'm always in the top 5 when it comes to cashier performance. That's out of all the other 15+ people who use checkstands for more than 2 hours per week. The cigarette case wouldn't be so organized if i wasn't there to keep it neat (despite the fact that I absolutely despise cigarettes). I feel like I actually have a purpose for once in my life. It's gratifying.
I think I've been losing weight. I can actually slip off my shorts without unbuttoning and unzipping them. This is only because I've been eating less overall, and I guess it's good. I feel better about myself and have a better body image. Though I still feel overweight, I'm not sure exactly how many pounds I weigh now.
Because I tend to work longer shifts at night and go on the computer after work for several hours, I only have the rest of the day to sleep, which I discovered must be at least 8 hours per day. I feel best when I've slept for 8-9 hours, and although I'm slower and have less work output if I sleep for 10+ hours, I feel at my best during my waking hours. I guess I just need lots of sleep. I know I've been learning more and more consistently, but not learning as much as if I were in college. Maybe I'm still implicitly learning lots of information, so I need the sleep to consolidate all of that implicit knowledge. Despite the need for sleep, I try to limit myself by staying up so I can at least force myself to wake up near my clock-in time...so about now would be a good time to sleep. Maybe I'll do that in about half an hour.
So that last paragraph was supposed to be about why I haven't had the time to draw anything. I've actually had almost no desire to work on artwork, and I have a long overdue commission from Leon that I need to finish. After that, I might actually be able to work on some comic ideas, or even work on something artistic for myself. But seeing as work is pretty much my life at the moment, I don't have much time to devote to drawing. I guess it's because I'm constantly learning things at work as well as learning stuff from the Internet.
Speaking of learning stuff from the Internet, I'm thinking of taking up learning more Japanese. I've learned quite a bit over the past few weeks that I've been listening to K-ON! music and figuring out the translations to the songs. Tsubasa = wing(s), hoshii = wish(es), isogashii = busy, and my last name = "peaceful wisteria." Also learning more kanji and reading some common names, as well as exercising my ability to read katakana and hiragana, both of which take me quite a bit of time to read correctly. I used to be able to just glance at something and read it much like I can with English, but my Japanese is pretty bad. I'm improving, though.
I've been wondering more recently what it's like to have a girlfriend, seeing as how my oldest nephew has already had two and he hasn't finished high school yet. I can be quite clueless sometimes like a normal guy, but I think I can pick up more clues than straight guys because of my slightly girl-ish tendencies. And quite honestly, people just don't look attractive to me at all. They only look attractive to me if I actually see them for who they are; being physically attractive is one thing to me (but doesn't mean much), and being just a fun, loving person is another thing. But I don't think I'll ever come across someone who desires a self-loathing, lazy Asian guy who has no ambitions. I guess being single is all I can do right now, especially considering my work-money situation. I only make enough to come out about $200 ahead each month, while the rest of the time is spent on paying my rent. I need to live somewhere cheaper, but I don't want to move too far away from work.
I guess I'll sleep now. I'm tired.
5:35am
It's strange how I feel like it's easy to socialize with people I know one moment, but have it feel nearly impossible the next moment. The most common incidents in which this occurs is obviously at work, where I interact with regulars. Sometimes I just feel so compelled to greet someone I've seen many times over the past four years, but other times it feels like it would be better if I said nothing. And other times it feels like too much of an effort to even look at them even though I know that they're there. It's strange how life and my motivation for doing anything is utterly inconsistent. I suppose that's why I can talk to the same friend many times over the course of a week, and then go for a week without interacting with that friend. Much of the time, it feels like I've lost that bond of friendship and they've just fallen to the level of "acquaintance." After a long spell of no interaction, it feels to me that the acquaintance just dwindles to something like, "oh, I talked to that person for a little while...that's about it." More like a mere encounter with someone on the street, with no mental or emotional intimacy and only that which can be communicated with simple exchanges of words in such a short time.
That said, I feel like I'm actually better friends with my coworkers than most of the people I've known over the course of my lifetime. It's probably because I'm "forced" to interact with them because it's part of my job to be with them. It's by no means a bad thing, and I really like the people with whom I work. If I didn't have such great coworkers, who knows what I might be doing now? I might be living at home still listening to pop-punk and indie rock, without any hardcore or metalcore, and just sitting around doing nothing. I might have a better job somewhere, getting more pay than what I'm getting now. Who knows...? I'd rather not think about it anymore.
It's great working where I am now, actually. I feel like I'm a part of a family; it's as if I actually have a role to fulfill, such that if I'm not there, some things fall apart. I know that some things, like the checkstand conveyor belts, wouldn't be fixed in a timely manner if I wasn't there. They would have one less combo clerk to use. And I'm always in the top 5 when it comes to cashier performance. That's out of all the other 15+ people who use checkstands for more than 2 hours per week. The cigarette case wouldn't be so organized if i wasn't there to keep it neat (despite the fact that I absolutely despise cigarettes). I feel like I actually have a purpose for once in my life. It's gratifying.
I think I've been losing weight. I can actually slip off my shorts without unbuttoning and unzipping them. This is only because I've been eating less overall, and I guess it's good. I feel better about myself and have a better body image. Though I still feel overweight, I'm not sure exactly how many pounds I weigh now.
Because I tend to work longer shifts at night and go on the computer after work for several hours, I only have the rest of the day to sleep, which I discovered must be at least 8 hours per day. I feel best when I've slept for 8-9 hours, and although I'm slower and have less work output if I sleep for 10+ hours, I feel at my best during my waking hours. I guess I just need lots of sleep. I know I've been learning more and more consistently, but not learning as much as if I were in college. Maybe I'm still implicitly learning lots of information, so I need the sleep to consolidate all of that implicit knowledge. Despite the need for sleep, I try to limit myself by staying up so I can at least force myself to wake up near my clock-in time...so about now would be a good time to sleep. Maybe I'll do that in about half an hour.
So that last paragraph was supposed to be about why I haven't had the time to draw anything. I've actually had almost no desire to work on artwork, and I have a long overdue commission from Leon that I need to finish. After that, I might actually be able to work on some comic ideas, or even work on something artistic for myself. But seeing as work is pretty much my life at the moment, I don't have much time to devote to drawing. I guess it's because I'm constantly learning things at work as well as learning stuff from the Internet.
Speaking of learning stuff from the Internet, I'm thinking of taking up learning more Japanese. I've learned quite a bit over the past few weeks that I've been listening to K-ON! music and figuring out the translations to the songs. Tsubasa = wing(s), hoshii = wish(es), isogashii = busy, and my last name = "peaceful wisteria." Also learning more kanji and reading some common names, as well as exercising my ability to read katakana and hiragana, both of which take me quite a bit of time to read correctly. I used to be able to just glance at something and read it much like I can with English, but my Japanese is pretty bad. I'm improving, though.
I've been wondering more recently what it's like to have a girlfriend, seeing as how my oldest nephew has already had two and he hasn't finished high school yet. I can be quite clueless sometimes like a normal guy, but I think I can pick up more clues than straight guys because of my slightly girl-ish tendencies. And quite honestly, people just don't look attractive to me at all. They only look attractive to me if I actually see them for who they are; being physically attractive is one thing to me (but doesn't mean much), and being just a fun, loving person is another thing. But I don't think I'll ever come across someone who desires a self-loathing, lazy Asian guy who has no ambitions. I guess being single is all I can do right now, especially considering my work-money situation. I only make enough to come out about $200 ahead each month, while the rest of the time is spent on paying my rent. I need to live somewhere cheaper, but I don't want to move too far away from work.
I guess I'll sleep now. I'm tired.
5:35am