i just don't know....

[sparksofnight]

Well there's not too much to talk about. After christmas break was over nacho and I started seeing eachother and finally made things official. When we first did I figured that it wouldn't last long considering the fact that we live so far apart, he's busy with trying to get into college, and we're both busy with work and school and everything. Anyway we decided to give things a shot anyway. I thought things were great. We talked all the time, never really faught, and things were good. We didn't see eachother everyday but i didn't mind because it gave me time to hang out with my friends and do my own thing. I never tried to keep him away from his family, or neglect school, or anything like that. If nothing else I was proud of him for working so hard to get into college and really look around. Anyway Friday night we went and saw White Noise (which wasn't all that great for the record) and we really had a nice time together. Well last night I went out with kathy for a couple of hours and then came home. I called him on my way home and we talked however I could tell something was wrong. When I asked him he didn't want to tell me. He told me that him and his dad sat up and talked and he really made him think about some stuff. good and bad. And he said he just wanted the night to think it over. Well that worried me cuz I figured it was something bad about us so i started to cry and everything else. Finally he told me that he thought he was ready for a relationship but he's not. He said I did nothing wrong and he never lied about the way he felt for me. He basically said that he couldn't focus with me in his life (just in not so many words). He told me how he would sit and try to do homework but he would lose focus cuz he would start thinking about me and what i was doing at that point in time. And there was a debut that he wanted to go to but he couldn't. Which I totally didn't understand. I never made him stop talking to his friends or told him he couldn't be friends with people of the opposite sex. I never did that. I don't get it. IF he didn't want to be with me inthe first place then why did he even bother with me? Why?!? Why couldn't he be honest? What is wrong with people these days? He uses me and my feelings to try to figure out if HE can be with anyone! Anyway I pretty much cried all night...made myself sick. I couldn't yell at him or go off on him...even thought he told me I could. What would that really solve? I can't change his mind about wanting to be with me (even though I wish I could), all I can do is respect his choice. Even though it hurts more then I can explain. You know out of all the guys I've ever dated I actually wanted to be with him, I actually enjoyed it...and I think it was because we were such good friends and the official title of a relationship didn't really change much of that. It was nice. I just don't know what went wrong...what i did, what he did. I don't get it. It was so sudden. One night he talks about how he cares for me and wants to protect me and everything else. And the next night he can't be with me? But yet he still wants to talk everyday and be friends. So what the hell is changing?!?!? The title? That's the only thing I can think. I figured it was because he was talking to someone else and didn't want to cheat or feel guilty but he promised there was no one else. So id don't get it. I cried all last night....cried all morning....stayed in bed till one just thinking.
Life sucks....................