Better....
Well today is a little better...of course I still think about derek constantly but at least now I can hide it better. I know people say it's not good to keep things locked up but it is when you don't want other people knowing. For example if he were to know how much of an emotional wreak I am he would probably want to forget hanging out and stuff because he would think that I couln't handle it. So I would rather take what I can get (and hide my feelings) then lose everything all together. At least as of right now I have something to hold onto and that's his friendship. I just miss him terribly. No one can understand what I am going through. He means so much to me and I don't know what to do if he never gives me a second chance. At the same time...I wish I had closure. Like I don't want to rush things and push him to make up his mind about ever taking me back or not because then he will be like just foget it and no then because I don't know what I want. But at the same time I hate (yes I actually said hate) the fact of not knowing what is going to happen. I will be forever crushed if he doesn't because I know I will NEVER find any one else like him but at the same time if I knew something then I could at least work on moving on or something even though I really don't want to. How can I make things right? What is it going to take to get him back? I will do anything...whatever it takes. He loved me so much and I blew it...I can't believe what an idiot I am. Nothing in my life will ever be the same without him. And more importantly my life will never be complete.